The Passover Alien
By Ben Miller
"And now I want to show you something really special," said Rabbi Harris. It was Sunday in Bethesda and Rabbi Henschel was showing the Second Grade Hebrew School class some of the most interesting books in the Beth El library.
"I bet it's a butt," said Ari in a whisper.
Asher laughed.
"Quiet guys," said Solly Miller. "We're here to learn."
"I already showed you the Babylonian Talmud," continued Rabbi Henschel, "which is a collection of lessons taught by rabbis long ago. Recently, some historians looked in the basement of an old library in Italy and found this."
He brought out an ancient book, dusty with age.
"They think it is a lost book of the Talmud. It's on chayot, that's the Hebrew work for beasts."
"Beasts… do you mean like lions and tigers," asked Tobias.
"Sort of. But the beasts that this book talks about are things like unicorns and werewolves. Things that we hear about in stories but never see. Things that nobody knows whether they are real."
"Like legendaries in Pokémon?" asked Solly.
"I guess so," said Rabbi Henschel. "Although, I have no idea what those are."
"Can we see a page?" asked Scarlett.
"Sure," said Rabbi Henschel and he gently opened the book. A puff of dust rose from the crackling pages.
Everybody gathered around.
"Yikes," said Ella. "I wouldn't want to meet that in a dark alley"
On the page of the book was a drawing of the most fearsome creature anybody at Beth El had ever seen. It looked like a black lizard, with a long black head. And in the head were sharp teeth dripping with drool. It looked like a predator that wanted its prey.
"Of course, this is in Aramaic, the language that the writers of the Talmud spoke. But I can tell you what it says. It says, 'This is the alien. It is a savage beast. Compared to this thing, the Angel of Death is like Pikachu. The alien kills anything in its path. There is only one thing that can stop the alien: matzoh."
"Sorry to interrupt you, Rabbi, but it is 11:45. Our time is up," said Sarah, the Hebrew school teacher. "Guy's don't forget that Passover starts tonight. We don't have Hebrew school next week because it will still be Passover, so I'll see you in two weeks."
Everybody started to leave.
"What are you doing, Solly?" asked Jonathan.
"This thing is awesome," said Solly. He was looking at the page of the book and the drawing of the ferocious creature.
"Happy Passover!" said Rabbi Henschel as they left the library and headed out to meet their parents.
***
That night was the first seder. Solly and his family went to his grandparent's house.
"Ma nishtana ha layla ha-zeh mi kol ha laylot," sang the kids during the Four Questions.
They had matzah ball soup, gefilte fish, matzah, charoset, tzimmes, and all kinds of other things to eat.
"You look tired," said Solly's mom to his sister.
And it was true. It had been a long day.
"Time to put on shoes," said Dad for the thousandth time.
As they walked to the car, nobody noticed the blaze of light flash across the night sky. A pilot-less spacecraft, carrying a cargo of extraterrestrial horror to Earth.
***
"Tssssss!" The matzoh brie mixture hit the pan and started sizzling.
"First matzoh brie of the year. Passover begins now!" said Mom.
Dad came in with the paper.
"What the…" he said.
Solly looked over his shoulder at a bold headline.
"NASA investigating mysterious object that fell from space," read Solly. He kept reading, "A pod that appears to be alien in origin fell to earth last night, landing in the field behind Wyngate elementary school. The door to the pod was open. Nothing was found inside except what appeared to be large amounts of drool. NASA Alien Response Team Director Hevel von Bru said, 'There is absolutely nothing to worried about. The pod was empty! There is only one thing the people of Bethesda need to do today: chill.'"
"Oh, phew," said Dad. "At first I was nervous. Who wants coffee?"
"Me!" said Solly's sister Shoshana.
"But Dad, if the door of the pod was open. Who—or what—opened it?" asked Solly. "And why was it drooling so much."
"Brei time!" announced Mom, sliding steaming plates across the table.
"Oh, you know what we need to do? Plant those light up things you bought in the back yard," said his Dad to his Mom. "Where should they go again?"
"Let me show you," said his Mom. "We'll be right back guys. We're just in the back yard. We'll leave the door open. It's nice to get some fresh air in here."
"Shoshana, your stomach's growling," said Solly.
"No, it's not. Yours is."
That's when Solly looked up. And noticed an inky blackness filling the doorway. Razor-sharp claws, a swaying tail tipped by a cruel point. The long sleek head ended in a rows of dripping fangs. This thing was wasn't here for a coconut coated marshmallow. It was here to attack.
Time seemed to stop until the alien screeched and pounced, jumping through the doorway and landing on all fours in front of Solly and Shoshana.
"Aaah!" they screamed.
But Solly had an idea. He grabbed his dad's cup of coffee and dashed the scalding brew across the alien's head.
It's head steamed but the monster didn't seem to care. In fact, it seemed even madder. With a second screech it lunged toward them.
They were too quick for the alien. Instead of biting them, it bit the edge of the table, chomping of a chunk of the wood.
The alien started shaking its head.
"It's choking on the wood!" said Solly. "Run!"
Shoshana ran into the living room just as the alien shook the chunk of wood free of its jaws. With a low growl, it stalked toward the living room, its barbed tail swaying like a snake behind it.
Shoshana grabbed one of her mom's weights and with all of her strength hurled it at the alien. It thudded against monster's forehead. For a second it was still. Then it started to shake. It wasn't hurt. It was angry.
"Nothing's stopping it!" yelled Solly in frustration. "How are you supposed to stop an alien?!"
That reminded him of something.
"Wait a minute. The book we saw at Hebrew school! It said the only way to stop an alien was… I can't remember!"
The alien turned around. It looked at him in a way that was not friendly.
Solly looked around for something—anything—that he could throw at the beast from space. But all he saw were plates of…
"Matzoh!" he said.
He grabbed a handful of matzoh brei and flung it at the creature. It screeched in pain, shaking and writhing on the floor. Solly and Shoshana threw more matzah brei on the creature until finally it was dead.
"And that is why you need to pay attention during Hebrew school," said Solly.
