The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters or anything else is doing something more productive. Just thought of a fun little office fic. Takes place after Attack of the Squishy Wishys. This is a prime example of…
How To Not Increase Productivity
"Well…" Lana sighed as she walked into the bullpen. "AJ is having a nap in my office. She tired herself out with that giant squishy pig Krieger made."
"Too bad it didn't tire Cheryl out," Ray remarked as he watched Cheryl play with her toys.
"Well at least it's not stuck in the hallway," Pam shrugged as she took a drink of malt liquor. "Okay there's some slight damage on the walls but still…"
"We've done worse damage during Christmas parties," Ray nodded.
"And nobody even died," Cheryl agreed. "Big whoop."
"Yeah that's the bar we've set around here," Cyril grumbled. "Everybody in. I'm calling a meeting. For once!"
"Here we go," Ray groaned as the Figgis Agency sat down in the bullpen. "Another day, another headache."
"Cheryl stop playing with your toys and focus here!" Cyril snapped.
"The toys help me focus," Cheryl pointed out.
"Cyril you'd better just power through," Lana sighed. "You know this group has a limited attention span."
"I agree," Pam said. "Some of us have things to do. And people to do!"
"Phrasing!" Ray quipped.
"The only thing we've done today," Cyril snapped. "Is play with toys! And in case you were confused, that's not productive!"
"We also annoyed Ms. Archer," Cheryl spoke up. "Does that count?"
Cyril paused. "Okay I'll allow it. But we need to do something really productive. And I have come up with a way to help us be more productive."
"Does this involve shock collars?" Krieger asked.
"No," Cyril said. "It doesn't."
"How about tasers?" Krieger asked.
"No," Cyril sighed.
"Cattle prods?" Krieger asked.
"It doesn't involve any type of electricity at all!" Cyril snapped.
"How about microchips in the brain?" Krieger asked.
"No microchips, no electricity!" Cyril snapped. "Or any kind of violent awful thing of any kind!"
"Well then I'm stumped," Krieger shrugged.
"We're going to talk about increasing productivity at this office," Cyril said. "Because quite honestly this office can't get any less productive."
"Wanna bet?" Pam quipped.
"I think this meeting proves that point," Ray remarked.
Cyril turned on the monitor. "This presentation will go over all the ways that this office can be more productive."
"Just so I get this straight," Lana held up her hand. "Your idea of being productive is to go over a list of how to be productive?"
"Yes. Let's start with Number One," Cyril went on.
"Phrasing," Pam quipped.
"You got this off the Internet, didn't you?" Lana asked.
"Like no one else does," Cheryl shrugged. "Face it Lana. The machines tell us what to do now."
"Can they tell you to be quiet?" Cyril snapped. "May I continue now?"
"If we say no, can we go home?" Pam asked.
"Number One! Track and limit how much time you are spending on tasks," Cyril went on. "For example: Pam, how long it takes you to do Number Two!"
"Burn!" Ray quipped.
"I just walked right into that one, didn't I?" Pam groaned. "But what's wrong with my bathroom breaks?"
"Besides what comes out of your body during them?" Cyril snapped. "They're too damn long! A bowel movement does not take an hour!"
"It's technically not an hour," Pam said. "Forty-five minutes tops. Sometimes fifty. Sometimes sixty."
"Sixty minutes is an hour!" Lana snapped.
"Oh," Pam blinked. "That is a tad too long isn't it?"
"YOU THINK?" Lana snapped.
"I'm glad you agree Lana," Cyril looked at her. "Because it's not just Pam that wastes time around here."
"What? What did I do?" Lana protested.
"More like what you haven't done," Cyril grumbled.
"Or in Cyril's case," Cheryl spoke up. "Whom you haven't done."
"You know because he's desperate for you to nail him," Pam added.
"Shut up!" Cyril snapped.
"What exactly are you bitching about Cyril?" Lana asked. "What did I do wrong?"
"Oh, where to start?" Cheryl quipped.
"I was talking about at work," Lana said.
"So was I," Cheryl said. "You're always sneaking off doing dumb baby stuff."
"I do not!" Lana protested.
"Girl, please!" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Seriously," Pam nodded.
"You're always making appointments for the stupid baby," Cheryl pouted. "Dumb baby doctor appointments. Dumb baby school appointments. Dumb baby payments for dumb baby things! And when you're not doing that you're buying dumb baby clothes or reading dumb baby magazines!"
"Well at least I'm not nose deep in glue!" Lana snapped. "Downing scotch and drugged up gummy bears like they were water and Tic Tacks!"
"I have a drug version of those too," Krieger quipped. "I call them Krieger Mints!"
"I think the police would call them something else if they ever found that out," Ray groaned.
"My point is all of you have been screwing around on my dime!" Cyril snapped.
"Cyril we'd all be more productive if there was actual work to do!" Lana told him.
"Including you," Ray said. "Don't think we haven't noticed all those hours you spend watching porn!"
"I don't watch…that much porn!" Cyril snapped.
"Cyril," Ray gave him a look. "You go through two tissue boxes a day! Not even you can cry that much!"
"Ewww," Cheryl wrinkled up her nose.
"My dumb baby things don't sound so bad now do they?" Lana asked sarcastically.
"Let's move on, shall we?" Cyril sighed.
"Truth hurts doesn't it?" Ray asked.
"Lawyered bitch!" Cheryl cheered.
"Number Two is to take regular breaks," Cyril said. "Regular short breaks!"
"This whole meeting is Number Two," Pam quipped.
"Number Three," Cyril sighed. "Set self-imposed deadlines."
"That is important," Krieger spoke up. "I mean if I don't set deadlines all my projects will never get done."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing Krieger," Ray sighed.
"Let's move on to Number Four," Cyril sighed. "Follow the Two Minute Rule."
"Uh duh!" Krieger snorted. "I do that all the time."
"What the hell is the Two Minute Rule?" Cheryl asked. "Is that how long Pam is supposed to be in the bathroom?"
"Are you kidding?" Pam snapped. "I'd barely have time to sit on the toilet, much less take a dump!"
"You might want to consider adding more fiber to your diet," Lana suggested.
"If I did that I'd never get off the john!" Pam snapped.
"The Two Minute Rule has nothing to do with the toilet!" Cyril snapped. "It just means do the tasks you can do in two minutes or less right away."
"Is that what it means?" Krieger blinked. "I was thinking of something completely different."
"Me too," Ray agreed.
"I don't want to know what that is," Cyril sighed. "Number Five…"
"How long is this damn list?" Pam spoke up.
"Fourteen items," Cyril told her.
"Aw man," Pam groaned.
"Number Five," Cyril tried again. "Stop multitasking."
"What's wrong with multitasking?" Lana asked. "I thought that would be encouraged for productivity."
"What do you think I do during my bathroom breaks?" Pam asked. "Besides you know, taking a dump."
"I really don't want to know," Cyril sighed.
"I read. I go over my e-mail," Pam said. "Send out some e-mail. Come up with some new art projects. Figure out where I'm going for lunch. Or dinner depending on what time it is. Then what I'm going to eat when I get there. Do I want dessert or not? Well maybe not want dessert? Because let's face it everyone wants dessert. But do I want dessert at the place where I'm going to eat? Or do I want to get dessert somewhere else? Or with someone else? There's a lot of decisions I have to make."
"Maybe that's why you take so long in the bathroom?" Ray suggested. "Your mind can only do one thing at a time!"
"Are you saying I'm so dumb I can't…" Pam began. "Hang on. Now that you mention it I do have faster bowel movements when I'm not doing anything but focusing on them."
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Cyril sighed. "But Pam has just proved the point of Number Five."
"I thought Pam's problem was with Number Two?" Cheryl was confused. "Wait there are three more kinds of stuff that comes out of your body when you're on the toilet?"
"Technically there's three and a half things that come out of your body when you're on the toilet," Pam said. "But only if you're a woman."
"The point is…" Cyril was losing patience. "By focusing on one thing at a time you can get things done faster!"
"Oohh," Cheryl nodded. "So where does the toilet come in?"
"It has nothing to do with…AGGGH!" Cyril groaned. "Why is it you people's minds are always in the sewer?"
"To be fair," Krieger said. "There are some parts of the sewer that are fascinating. What?"
"Number Six," Cyril went on. "Take advantage of your commute. Do things on your commute such as checking your e-mail, do some brainstorming or make a to-do list for the day ahead."
"That's multitasking!" Ray shouted.
"Number Six completely eliminates Number Five!" Pam agreed.
"I have to agree," Lana said. "Number Six makes absolutely no sense.'
"Especially if you drive to work," Ray said.
"First you say multitasking is bad," Cheryl was confused. "Then you say it's good! Which is it?"
"Let's forget about Numbers Five and Six for now," Cyril groaned.
"Okay," Cheryl blinked. "What were we talking about again?"
"Number Seven," Cyril went on. "Take exercise breaks. And, no. Going to a bar doesn't count!"
"It does if you have to walk to it," Ray said.
"That's another example of multitasking," Pam spoke up.
"Are we supposed to multitask or not?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah, I'm confused on that too," Krieger agreed.
"Cyril maybe you should have done more research before you committed to this list?" Lana said.
"Maybe you should have done more research before you committed to a sperm donor?" Cyril snapped.
"Harsh burn!" Ray gasped.
"Inappropes dawg," Pam glared at Cyril.
"Well he's not wrong," Cheryl shrugged. "Even I thought twice when I thought about getting pregnant by Archer to trap him. And then I thought again and realized what a stupid idea that was."
"Considering the alternative…" Lana pointed to Cyril.
"I see your point," Cheryl nodded.
"BURN!" Ray quipped.
"Number Eight," Cyril sighed. "Give up on the illusion of perfection."
Everyone started to laugh. "Okay…" Cyril laughed. "I admit we have that one down pretty well."
"I gave up on that when we started the drug cartel," Lana snorted.
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"Number Nine," Cyril gained control of himself. "Be Proactive."
"Is this another bathroom thing?" Cheryl asked.
"You're thinking probiotics," Krieger corrected.
Cyril sighed. "All it means is basically have a plan for what you are going to do for the day and stick to it."
"For example," Pam spoke up. "I plan to get hammered later on. And I will stick to it."
"That's my plan!" Ray said.
"Oh my God!" Cheryl giggled. "That's my plan!"
"Me too!" Krieger cheered.
"Number Ten," Cyril said. "Turn off notifications. E-mail and other online applications can be a distraction."
Just then a phone rang. "Gee what are the odds?" Ray quipped. "Whose is it?"
"Not mine," Lana checked.
"Or mine," Pam said.
"It's me," Cheryl took out her phone. "Hang on."
"Thank you, Cheryl, for proving the validity of Number Ten," Cyril groaned.
"What?" Cheryl spoke into her phone. "Yeah I can talk. No, I'm not doing anything important."
"Well she's not wrong," Ray chuckled. Cyril glared at him.
"Burn!" Lana quipped.
"Oh, don't you start!" Cyril snapped.
"Really? Thanks!" Cheryl hung up the phone and started to scroll on it. "Guys! You will not believe this! Remember the whole Long Water thing?"
"Vividly," Ray said dryly. "What about it?"
"A major celebrity went broke and can't pay his taxes because he invested like a fortune in it," Cheryl said. "You ever hear of Fabian Eddie?"
"The actor who was recently booted from his own sitcom because he was too drunk to play a guy who was drunk?" Pam asked.
"That's the one," Cheryl nodded. "And you know he's married to that other actress wannabe who is trying to be a fashion icon or something?"
"Willow Pines," Lana realized.
"Well her company just totally went busted right in the middle of this fashion show she was putting on," Cheryl said. "It's on TV right now!"
"Oh, this I got to see!" Pam went and changed the monitor.
"HEY!" Cyril shouted. "We're doing something here!"
"So are we," Pam said. "Getting vital gossip."
"Ohhh," Ray twittered. "Those dresses are so tacky! Somebody should be arrested for bad fashion!"
"I think they are!" Krieger pointed to a couple screaming on the catwalk being arrested by the police.
"Well that's going to hurt Willow's brand," Lana remarked.
SMACK!
"Not as much as that right hook she just gave that police officer," Pam snickered.
"ENOUGH!" Cyril changed it back.
"HEY!" Everyone else complained.
"We were watching that!" Pam protested.
"Finally, something interesting happening in a meeting!" Cheryl agreed.
"Number Eleven," Cyril glared at them. "Minimize distractions!"
"Aw man," Pam pouted.
"Like we're not going to hear this on the news later," Ray waved.
"Good point," Pam nodded.
"Number Twelve," Cyril sighed. "Work in a nice well decorated space."
"I think we have that down," Pam spoke up. "The Figgis Agency ain't much but it's better than the dump we used to work in back in New York."
"The stench of failure isn't half as strong here as it was back there," Cheryl nodded.
"It's a lot less depressing too," Lana admitted. "I mean it's still pathetic and sad but…"
"But not to the point where you want to kill yourself," Cheryl finished. "I saw where you were going there."
Ray agreed. "There aren't half as many bloodstains here as our old office."
"Or claw marks on the walls," Krieger added.
"Number Thirteen," Cyril went on. "Work in 90-minute intervals. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!"
"All right!" Pam shouted. "I get it! I'll cut back on my bathroom breaks! Jesus! Happy?"
"In general? No. But I'll take what I can get. Number Fourteen," Cyril sighed. "Just say no to meetings."
"Okay!" Ray got up and the others began to leave.
"You couldn't do that one first?" Pam snapped.
"Wait! Where are you going?" Cyril shouted.
"Saying no to meetings," Ray said.
"They are a time waster," Pam agreed.
"Definitely a hindrance to productivity," Lana added.
"NOT THIS MEETING!" Cyril shouted.
"I disagree," Lana said.
"Me too," Krieger nodded. "I could be doing…Pretty much anything really."
"Even my bathroom breaks are more productive than this," Pam nodded.
"Come back here and let me finish!" Cyril snapped.
"Things you say to your dates," Pam quipped.
"Burn!" Ray smirked.
"I'll wrap this up as fast as possible okay?" Cyril snapped. "I'm almost done!"
"Phrasing," Lana said. Cyril glared at her. "I'm serious. You've said that one or two times on our dates."
"If you must do a meeting," Cyril went on. "Try to do a standing meeting."
"What do you mean by standing meetings?" Pam asked.
"Exactly what it sounds like," Cyril said. "Meetings where you stand instead of sit."
Cheryl paused. "I don't get it."
"What a shock," Cyril sighed.
"You said we couldn't use shock collars," Krieger spoke up.
"Basically, you're saying that we have to put up with boring meetings by standing around?" Pam said. "So that our legs will fall asleep instead of our bodies? Yeah that's productive!"
"Actually, I think Cyril has a point," Ray said.
"Yeah in his head," Pam snorted.
"I'm serious," Ray said. "I think a meeting where you stand is a good idea."
"Thank you Ray," Cyril grinned.
"Of course," Ray added. "It's very important where you stand."
"What do you mean?" Cyril blinked.
Thirty minutes later…
"Ray I have to admit," Pam grinned as the gang stood around a bar drinking and eating appetizers. "This was a great place to have a meeting."
"Everybody loves FJ Fugetaboutit's," Ray grinned. "Even overworked parents and kids."
He pointed to a huge play area nearby where kids were running wild and free on colorful playsets. Some people in clown outfits were desperately trying to keep order among the wild kids, and some parents.
"They even have clown child wranglers," Pam remarked as she watched. "Classy."
"That's why I picked this restaurant," Ray said. "A bar for us. A play area for AJ. Everybody wins."
"It was rated one of the best play areas in restaurants by LA Parents Monthly," Lana admitted as she watched AJ. "AJ don't kick the clown! I don't care if even the parents are doing it. Don't do it!"
"And we can watch the whole Fabian Eddie/Willow Pines scandal right here," Cheryl pointed to a series of TVs on the wall. "Oh man look at that mug shot!"
"Fine. I give up," Cyril groaned as he drank a glass of beer. "I don't know why I bother! I really don't!"
"Neither do we," Ray quipped. Cyril glared at him.
"The scariest part is," Lana sighed. "This is the most productive we've been all week."
