Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Wish I did... -sigh-
8 Hours in the Life of Envy
3:00 a.m.
Woke up this morning thanks to Father's newest creation. Really, who needs a bloody Chimera that can run around your room screaming, "Wake up, naughty boy!!"
I didn't wait to find out. Suffice to say, the dog/parrot creature had soon 'mysteriously' vanished, after having been brought by a certain cute green-haired Homunculus to Gluttony's room and been subsequently thrown in. Its cries of, "Naughty!!" were quickly cut off by the sounds of chewing and all that.
Ho hum.
3:12
Wandered into the bathroom feeling considerably better, but then I looked in the mirror and God was I a mess! (Not that I believe in absurd human notions like "God.") There were parrots feathers stuck in my hair and something sticky and white that smelled suspiciously like bird shit was slowly dripping down my chest, staining my sexy black top. Damn.
3:30
Took a shower and accidently used Gluttony's shampoo, which smells like bacon. Bacon! I ask you... (Coincidentally, why does that fat tub of lard need shampoo anyhow? He's bald!) So now my hair smells like bacon... On the bright side, I used Pride's Axe shower gel... He'll never know. Unless he's watching me, being the creepy stalker/pedophile that he is...
3:32
Gluttony burst in and tried to eat my hair. I broke his neck and threw him out. Fat ass. Lust's probably going to be mad, but who cares? Oh wait, just remembered the stupid bitch is dead. Haha, good riddance.
3:33
Ewwww-my-God! I just looked in the mirror and my hair looks awful! It's all bunched together, instead of stringy and I look like a fucking transvestite!
3:35
Am rifling through the cupboard under the sink looking for hair products with which to fix my hair. So far I've come up with an almost full can of hair spray, a quarter full bottle of hair gel and half a can of mousse.
3:41
Tee hee. My hair's back to its normal, lustrous-self! It's all pretty and green... Like grass, only so much sexier... Mm, this hair spray smells nice...
4:01 a.m.
Greed just walked in. Cocky bastard. Hasn't he heard of knocking?
His hair is so black... Black and dark and empty...
"What the hell are you doing?!" he demanded, immediately covering his nose. I can see the Ouroboros on the back of his hand. What kind of retarded snake/bird Chimera would bite its own tail?
Oh well, pretty red color... Like blood! I like blood...
"Hair spray smells nice," I explained, spraying some at the newest Homunculus. (If you're not counting Gluttony, but I'm not. He's just the same as before.) I was trying to spray, anyway. Nothing came out.
I giggled and tried again. Still nothing. Naughty boy! I scowled at Greed. "You made it go away," I said resentfully.
"Whatever. You're probably high on it or something," Greed grumbled, stalking out.
Ooh, pretty pink label says, "Do not shake."
I giggled again and shook the can.
BANG!
4:07
Woke up again to find Father glaring down at me. Not the most pleasant experience in the world, let me tell you.
I saw up amidst the rubble formerly known as the bathroom. Oops.
"What were you doing using my hair spray?!" my creator demanded.
I sweat-dropped. "...I didn't know it was yours." What the hell did he use it for anyway? To slick back his hair? I snickered at the thought.
This reaction did not go over well with Father.
6:12 a.m.
Had to endure a ridiculous lecture about respecting others' property.
Hello, my name's Envy, remember?! Not Respect. Envy. Therefore, I don't respect people, I envy them! Idiots. And besides, that's a human concept. Homunculi are above that!
Didn't say that of course, otherwise the lecture probably would've gone on for 4 hours instead of 2.
To sum things up, I'm forced to tail Colonel Mustang for a week as punishment. I asked, "Isn't stalking more Pride's area of expertise?"
Now it's a month of Mustang-tailing. Sigh.
...Was that a joke?
And why does the Flame Alchemist need tailing anyhow? Wrath's got his most-loved subordinate, Hawkeye or something, as a hostage, so Mustang's really not a risk factor at the moment.
What the fuck is love anyway? The original Greed didn't even want it, so it must be some kind of over-rated human delusion.
7:30 a.m.
Changed into my sexy military form. If only the soldiers didn't have to wear such ridiculous uniforms. It completely ruins my hotness. (Well, not completely. More like it takes away about 15 percent of my hotness, so I'm only at 85 percent.)
7:36
Wrath's informed me that I've now been station under Mustang and I'm now to be called 2nd Lt. N. Vious. Haha, funny. Not. If I wasn't in such hot water with Father, I would've beaten the shit out of the old geezer.
Seriously, why the hell would Father want Homunculi that aged? I'll never understand that. Does that mean Wrath and Greed will die eventually, of old age? Or will they just spend the rest of eternity looking super old? Either way, you couldn't get me to do that if you paid me.
8:00 a.m.
Am sitting at the only desk in Mustang's office. Oh, how exciting life is. Dammit.
He's late. I thought all officers were supposed to come in at 7:45? Gr...
8:08
That Hawkeye woman just walked in. She's staring at me. I'm tempted to attack her, but she's a 1st Lt. My life sucks.
8:09
She's still staring at me.
8:11
Finally, she speaks.
"Where's Col. Mustang?"
Is that all she can think to ask? Come on a sexy guy like me, alone in an office and she asks where her former commanding officer is.
What. The. Hell.
How degrading.
I don't bother to answer. I sit in a dignified silence, glaring back at her.
8:14
Mustang's just entered. Hawkeye said something to him and left.
"You're in my desk," the State Alchemist said to me. Wow, aren't you the smart one?
"Sorry. But there weren't any other desks," I answered.
"...You're 2nd Lt. Norman Vious, correct?"
Norman. Norman?! Screw you, Wrath. I'm going to kick your ass when I get out of this job.
"Yeah. I've been assigned to watch you-- Er, work under you." Smooth. But who cares? I sure as hell don't.
"I see. Well, 2nd Lt., you'll have to go find yourself a desk, since the one you're currently occupying is mine."
Oh, the arrogance of this human. Father should have made him Pride. "Yes, sir." I stalked out in search of a desk.
9:24 a.m.
Didn't find a desk. I wasn't looking very hard, admittedly, but still, it's the try that counts. Or something like that...
But I found something much better!
Hair spray!
10:01 a.m.
Wrath just walked into the bathroom. He seemed upset.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT TRANSVESTITE PALM TREE?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH YOU SEXUALLY HARASSING ALL THE MEN THAT WALK IN HERE?! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF YOU'RE HIGH ON HAIR SPRAY! AGAIN!!"
Scratch that. He is upset.
His face turns a wonderful shade of magenta. Bring out the red in his eye.
...Hold on, why isn't he wearing his eye patch?
Oh, he took it off and gagged me with it. Tee hee.
He's still yelling, but I'm not really paying attention anymore.
The room's spinning nicely.
...Aw, the colors are fading... It's all black now, like Greed's hair... Empty... Dark...
10:59
I'm chained in Marcoh's old cell. Stupid bastard. Why'd that Ishbalan help him anyway?
Oh look, there's Father. He looks rather displeased. Giggle.
11:00 a.m.
Wrath's just come in with a nasty looking tranquilizer gun. Meep! ...Pretty colored feather sticking out of my arm... Greed's hair again...
All right, I hope you liked it... You may not have, but that's all right too, because I'm happy with it. I'm not sure who I'll do next... Anyway, please R&R!
