Chapter 1: Pain

Rating: PG-13 (T-for now)

Pairing: SasuNaru, NaruSai

Disclaimer: We do not own these characters. They all belong to Kishimoto!

Quixotic Delirium

----1----

You gotta hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are learned because of pain.

Sasuke took a step backward and smiled inwardly. Two weeks ago he had left Orochimaru without permission because his training had come to a stagnant point. He had been going through several weeks without any form of training – without killing – and had decided to put matters into his own hands. He had to fulfill his purpose, after all, and his method of training gave him the thrill, the rush he needed to awaken every part of his body, to pulsate power through every pore of his skin. His training consisted of killing every shinobi that came his way, and he now felt a sense of peacefulness as a result. There was nothing better than feeling the extent of his powers, but he wanted more. Power was infinite.

Drip.

Drip.

He turned his head upwards and felt rain drops gently land on his face. Rain. Scowling, he used his right hand to wipe the offending rain drops off. Rain would only serve to wash off his scent, and he wanted the chase that would ensue when friends of those he killed would try and hunt him down for revenge. It always happened - those foolish friends filled with rage only accomplished meeting the same gruesome death their comrades had suffered. Such idiots. Comrades and friends were petty things, only a distraction. Every man was for himself and only himself.

Drip.

Drip.

He extended his hand, and felt something drip on his finger from a tree branch next to him. He slowly brought his finger to his sleeve and cleaned it, leaving a bright red mark on the otherwise white cloth.

Without a glance back, he left the clearing as the rain finally thundered down.

--------

"Sasuke-kun, you were not given permission to leave…Orochimaru-sama is extremely disappointed in you," Kabuto said, his voice serious but his lips hinting at a smirk.

"Look, Kabuto, you stay out of this. This does not concern you, and I will have my way here," growled Sasuke as he walked past him.

"You think this is a game, Sasuke-kun," said Kabuto above a whisper, his voice mocking now. "It seems that you are still a child, and we were wrong to hold you in great esteem."

"And maybe I was wrong to choose you, to give you power," a voice that sounded like a slither said behind him.

Sasuke turned and saw the man, or rather what resembled a man, stand behind him threateningly.

"There was a reason I gave you the power. You know that you were supposed to be my new container, Sasuke-kun. Had you forgotten this? Or did that sudden visit from the Konoha brats some months ago mess with your mind? My opinion of you was so low that I thought you had…reverted to old tendencies of comradeship and run back to them.

"Sasuke-kun, during your sudden trip I fell ill. It was time for me to change into a new body - your body, the container that I carefully looked after and that I shaped to my need. But you see, there was a flaw in my perfect plan. I happened to give power to a boy that does not appear to want to pay me back. Sasuke-kun, you should know I don't give things without expecting something in return."

"The deal was that you would give me power to kill Itachi. Only after that was I to give you my body. I have not encountered Itachi, especially since you've forbidden me to leave the area. I will not hand myself to you until my end of the trade occurs," Sasuke spat.

"My dear boy, did you think that was the trade? My words were never direct. I only gave you power and what you did with it, I didn't care. Waiting for me to transfer into you never involved Itachi-san. You should not make me wait."

Sasuke felt his throat constrict, but he had to fight for what was rightfully his. "Orochi-"

Orochimaru raised his hand to silence him. "I cannot transfer into a new container until three years from now. You were late the first time, and now you are late again. I will give you another chance to be my container, to keep my power for another three years…but there is a consequence for making me wait again."

"You're going to punish me?" Sasuke said, slightly bewildered and at the same time amused.

"Silence! You don't think I'm capable of punishing you? Sasuke-kun, remember this is not a comradeship," Orochimaru said, leaving only a bewildered and wary Sasuke.

Sasuke glared at Kabuto who laughed quietly in the background. Kabuto adjusted his glasses, and continued to smirk at him.

"I am aware that the reason you wanted power was to kill your brother. It is what drove you here, and it is the driving force in which you train with. You strive for perfection, and you think of nothing else. The results of such extensive training are remarkable," Orochimaru said, eyeing Sasuke. "I have news for you though. Itachi was killed one week ago, while you were on your little trip. I killed him, Sasuke. Someone else has fulfilled your purpose, your sole reason to exist, and that is the consequence you will now have to deal with for being foolish and leaving my sight so carelessly, fully knowing the transfer would be soon."

Sasuke opened his mouth, but words were unable to come out. A thousand thoughts began swirling in his brain, fighting to be voiced, and Sasuke struggled to make sense of it. Itachi was dead? Killed by Orochimaru? No…it was impossible! This could not be true. Maybe he was dreaming? No, he couldn't be dreaming? Or could he be dreaming? He was not sure anymore. He started shaking uncontrollably, and felt a surge of uncontrollable power that just itched to get out. The sharingan turned on and whirled wildly about as Sasuke tried to make some sense, tried to sink in what had just been told to him.

It was his duty to kill Itachi. Itachi was still waiting for him. He still remembered those hateful eyes that glared at him and told him he was weak, told him to hate. Itachi was to die by his hand and no other.

…But… then that meant… Orochimaru was lying? It wasn't worth it for him to lie. Could it then be…. He felt unable to breath, and he took in breaths, but each intake was painful. The fire inside him died and his eyes turned back to their usual coal black.

Orochimaru smiled tightly, and placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulders. "This will teach you to be good. Correct?"

"He can't even speak, Orochimaru-sama. You broke the news to him so suddenly… was that wise?" asked Kabuto, feigning care for the boy.

"Take him to his room as it seems he is unable to move, Kabuto. I have no further use for him. He may rot on the inside, but not on the outside. I will not be occupying his mind, but rather his body. He will still need to be taken care of."

Sasuke felt someone grab his shoulder tightly, forcing him down a dark corridor.

"Finally Orochimaru-sama sees you for what you really are- a selfish, foolish boy. I always told him that you were nothing special, but he held you in such high regard that not even I, his most loyal servant, could change his mind," he said bitterly. "Things are different now, and I will be Orochimaru-sama's right hand man once again. I'm glad you pulled that trick of yours. Now I will be the only one that has not gone against him. I thank you, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke registered that he was thrown inside his room, and yet he could not get up. Why was he here? Wasn't he in the forest? Was that Kabuto that was talking?

"Look at you, so weak. You can't even get up. You can't walk. Have you truly lost your reason for living as Orochimaru-sama said? Your response to Itachi's death is quite interesting." Sasuke looked up at Kabuto at the mention of Itachi with glazed eyes. "And maybe I can make a medical project out of you. The mind is a strange, complex thing…and trying to get out of your own thoughts…will drive you to the unthinkable," Kabuto whispered, a strange light appearing in his eyes.

"I will give you one piece of advice in return for giving me the honor of having Orochimaru-sama's attention again. Death is your only solution, Sasuke-kun. Die now if you do not want to fall into the depths of your mind and let the darkness enclose you. I have seen similar cases as yours, and you are on the path of destruction. I will not monitor you…so please…surprise me next time I come," Kabuto said slowly before giving Sasuke another glance and leaving the room.

-----

He felt utterly defeated and worthless. He replayed his confrontations with Itachi countless of times and each time he felt he was physically being transported to that specific location. Memories that seemed from long ago brought back the same amount of pressure to kill. In his own reality, he had left everything behind for Itachi. Had it been worth it? He had not done it, after all. He had one thing, and that was power. Yet, in moments of reflection, he doubted it existed and he had to prove it by destroying something in his room.

He felt a sharp pain in the back of his head and he cried in pain. He pulled his black locks, but the pain continued. Surely it was his hair that was causing the pain. He got up from his sitting position and yelled as he stumbled around the room looking for the candle with a hand still pulling on his hair.

Finally, with a shaking hand he lighted the candle, but the light was too bright. He closed his eyes. Shadows were around him, he could feel them taking a hold of him and pulling. Pulling him away from the candle.

He opened his eyes. The candle flickered, and he was alone. He noticed his fists were bloody and his room was unrecognizable but it was not enough. He did not have the proof he needed that gave him the confidence to kill his brother.

He would never give his brother the satisfaction of besting him! He smiled and laughed meekly, and the lock of hair he had managed to pull fell on the floor. He needed to be strong, and he had a plan. Tactics were important, and he would be wise and take things slow. 'All in good time, Sasuke,' he thought.

The candle flickered one more time and died. Enveloping him in the darkness of his room.

-----

Sai sat on Naruto's chair and stared intently at him, his blue eyes hazy with sleep, his hair sticking out on all sides under his nightcap, and his chest slightly exposed thanks to an unbuttoned button. He decided it was time to figure out what exactly he was feeling for the blonde and see if Naruto felt the same way about him.

Naruto waited, his mind slightly wandering and wondering how Sai managed to wake him up during missions right before his dreams went bad, right before they went into the part he couldn't take. He knew it was bearable when Sai was around, something about Sai made him feel like his old self, had him laughing and angry nearly constantly. Lately, though, he'd been feeling something else. A sort of tugging in his loins, an attraction he'd recognized but didn't want to admit or get into. An attraction he feared because of a similar feeling he'd felt three years ago. He cleared his mind and focused back on Sai, not wanting to think about the past too much, but instead of asking Sai what he wanted once again, his lips were caught in a shocking and familiar gesture.

Naruto's eyes went slightly wide as he felt Sai's lips on his own, gentle yet urging, wanting a response from Naruto. Naruto, though, couldn't think. His lips were frozen as images from the past crept up on him. He didn't want to be hurt, not again. He didn't want to experience the same pain twice; he was sure his heart wouldn't be able to take it. He shivered slightly as tears formed in his eyes, but they didn't fall. Instead, he breathed deeply and realized he was free from the searing kiss.

"Naruto?" Sai asked, an unrecognizable emotion in his voice. Naruto snapped back and looked up at Sai, things clicking into place once again.

"Why… why did you kiss me?" Naruto asked, his voice slightly shaking, and looking up at Sai with a furious look on his face. "Why did you kiss me, Sai?" he said, an edge in his voice.

"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun," Sai said, shifting his sad eyes and frowning slightly. "But remember, I'm not Sasuke," he said as understanding crossed his face. Naruto stared at him, shocked once again.

Sai walked over to where he was sitting and placed his hands on Naruto's, slightly caressing them as he looked into Naruto's face. "Naruto, I'm not Sasuke. You must remember that. I don't wish to harm you, ever. I just wanted to confirm my feelings for you and have you know," Sai said, his eyes showing the pain he was feeling as he said this. "I'm sorry to have bothered you, Naruto-kun," he said, and let go of Naruto's hands. He stood up and headed towards the door.

'I'm not Sasuke' echoed in Naruto's mind and as Sai talked to him he stared at Sai, stared at his eyes and saw the pain. He'd felt that pain, the pain of rejection. Sasuke had never felt that pain. Sasuke had never expressed his feelings like Sai had and Naruto wondered how hard it had been for Sai to express himself. He was struggling with his mind, debating with it over what had happened and trying to reason with himself when he felt a sudden coldness hit him. He focused back and realized Sai was leaving, his hands long removed from his own. He was leaving.

"Don't go," Naruto said, his voice pleading. "Please, don't go," he whispered this time, fighting back past memories and focusing on the present.

Sai turned around and watched him. He walked over to his side once again and sat down next to him, watching him and waiting.

"I'm sorry," Naruto said, his voice even softer now. "I'm sorry, Sai," he repeated, before giving him a sad smile. "You see, past things are rather hard to get over and I'm still struggling with them," he said, mumbling out words and trying to make sense to Sai. "I thought I had gotten over them, but when we came face to face with him again, it all came back," Naruto said and Sai nodded, understanding perfectly.

"That's alright, Naruto-kun. I understand and I don't want to trouble you further then," he said, giving him a smile that didn't touch his eyes.

"No, Sai, you're not going to trouble me," Naruto said, reaching out to grab Sai's wrist in order to prevent him from leaving and startling Sai slightly in the process. "I want you," he said, blushing and clearing his throat. "I mean, I want to be with you. If anyone can help me forget, it's you Sai," he said as he stared at Sai, who was looking at him with contemplative eyes.

"You know I won't hurt you, Naruto-kun, and I am more than willing to say yes, but is this really what you want?" Sai asked, trying to hide how much of him wanted Naruto as he waited for an answer. He was startled again when he felt lips on his own. He didn't miss the opportunity to kiss him back though, and after a few seconds they separated. Sai smiled at him as he got up and walked towards the door. "I promise I will never leave you, Naruto," Sai said, kissing his lips once more before standing up and heading towards the door.

"I will see you tomorrow then, Naruto-kun," he said as he opened the door.

Naruto nodded, smiling almost shyly and feeling something different in his chest, something good and happy. He went towards the door and latched it once Sai was out before going back to his bed and letting his heavy eyes close, his mind clear of any nightmare that might have suddenly come up in his mind.

-----

Sasuke grimaced slightly at the smell of blood surrounding him. Otherwise, his face was expressionless. He looked from Orochimaru's dead face to Kabuto's, who seemed to still be alive and in much pain. He felt a smirk coming on, shifting back to his usual self, before he frowned.

What was he going to do now?

He fell to his knees suddenly, holding onto his head with both hands as images accosted him again. Itachi's face, his words, followed by Orochimaru, who now lay dead at his feet. He laughed maniacally as he thought about how he had killed Orochimaru but hadn't been able to kill Itachi, who Orochimaru had killed.

No, Orochimaru couldn't have killed Itachi, he thought frowning. If Orochimaru had been this simple to kill, there was no possible way that Orochimaru could have defeated Itachi. Itachi was still alive and with no other purpose, he had to move.

That, and the smell of blood was getting to him.

Without a second thought, he ran from there, forgetting the fact that he had left Kabuto barely alive in his eagerness. He had to think. Had to figure out where to go, what to do. What if Orochimaru really had killed Itachi, killed him in some tricky sort of way. He might have succeeded then, however smart Itachi was. He stopped suddenly, crouched low on a tree, ignoring his own injuries and trying to think about where to go.

Eventually he started to move again. He had no purpose now. He had to admit it to himself. He didn't want to be a rogue ninja. What did he want? What could he possibly do now that Itachi was dead?

Naruto's face suddenly seeped into his mind and he stopped, eyes going slightly wide. He could go there, but would Naruto take him back?

No, he would have to kill Naruto in order to break the bond and kill Itachi.

But Itachi was already dead, he argued with himself. He sat himself down, clearing his mind and breathing deeply.

Itachi was dead.

Itachi was dead and was not suddenly going to come back.

He had to accept that fact.

He got up again and began running once more, now that his mind was made up. He would take life one step at a time from now on, starting with Naruto.

-----

Two weeks had passed and Naruto was happy. He liked being around Sai, liked a great many things having to do with Sai. He enjoyed the moments when they were together, talking, laughing, occasionally fighting (mostly on his part). He hadn't had a nightmare in a while and his heart felt like it was about to burst.

Which was why he couldn't explain the heavy feeling in his stomach… He was barely paying attention to Sakura, who was mentioning something about Lee, trying to think what could have possibly had him so gloomy, when it hit him.

He nearly cringed visibly, though inside he was tormented. It was the day Sasuke had left, the day Sasuke had fought him so long ago. He didn't notice when the talking stopped nor did he notice when a hand made its way around his waist in a comforting embrace as he continued to think back to the day he would never forget.

"Naruto-kun," Sai whispered in his ear, his lips pressing lightly against it and making a slight shiver go down Naruto's spine, bringing him back to the present.

"Hmm…?" Naruto asked, turning around to look at Sai and realizing Sai's hand around his waist. He blushed slightly as he stared at Sai questioningly.

"I was just wondering why you looked so sad a moment ago," he said, giving Naruto a sly smile. "If it's because you're embarrassed about your penis, you don't have to worry," Sai said, "because-."

"Wait just a minute, Sai!" Naruto answered, anger evident in his features. "First of all, I am not showing you my penis anytime soon and secondly, mine is larger than yours!" He said, pointing a finger at Sai.

"Whatever you say," Sai answered with a sly smile as he got up and led a fuming and slightly embarrassed Naruto away from where they had been sitting.

"By the way, where'd Sakura go?" Naruto asked, calming down slightly yet still looking at Sai through narrow eyes.

"She went to go find Ino after you stopped listening to her," Sai answered, walking alongside Naruto towards his apartment as nighttime began to settle.

"Oh," Naruto answered, remembering what he had been feeling sad about but pushing it quickly out of his mind, slightly annoyed with himself. He was stronger than that. He shouldn't be reminiscing on the past and "what if's" or moaning about his broken heart. Instead he should be enjoying his life, planning what to do with his future, figuring out different ways to get Sasuke back. He realized his thoughts made it seem like Sasuke had escaped from his grasp, from their grasp, and he was disgusted at himself for even thinking that way. He wasn't going to break his promise, no way.

"So, mind sharing what you were so sad about?" Sai interrupted as they neared his apartment.

Naruto shook his head. "It was nothing really. Just a bad memory that suddenly came back up," he said, "but luckily, you were there to snap me out of it," he added as they entered his apartment.

"So I'm your prince in shining armor?" Sai said, smirking as he closed the door behind him.

Naruto scoffed. "Right," he said.

Sai smiled lightly and walked over to him, engaging Naruto in a kiss which Naruto didn't resist. On the contrary, Naruto pressed himself nearer to Sai, deepening the kiss and beginning to slightly moan in pleasure.

Sai kissed him back, an uneasy feeling spreading through him at Naruto's eagerness but extinguishing itself as lust and something he could only guess was love spread themselves over him.

Naruto pushed Sai back against the wall and then began rubbing himself against him, startling Sai. His kisses broke and he began to kiss Sai's jawbone, then neck, his hands caressing the skin right above Sai's pants.

"Naruto," Sai said, his voice hoarse and more of a groan. "Naruto, stop," Sai said and Naruto, shocked, dislodged himself from Sai.

Sai panted slightly, as did Naruto as they looked at each other for a few seconds before Naruto turned away, both in embarrassment and anger.

"Go," Naruto said, "I need my sleep."

"Naruto-," Sai began but Naruto cut him off.

"I said go, goddamn it," he said, balling up his fists and staring at Sai through angry eyes.

"I didn't think you'd want to go this far, Naruto, that's all," Sai said, making no movement towards the door and instead facing Naruto.

"How do you know what I want?" Naruto asked, angry.

"Naruto... I know you… you're trying to forget something and I didn't want you to do something you weren't ready for…," Sai said, "or something you would later regret," he added in a softer voice.

Naruto stared at him, anger leaving his face and hopelessness settling in. "You're right, Sai," he said, ignoring the tears that threatened to make their way towards his eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressured you…," he said, "but I wouldn't have regretted it," Naruto added.

Sai smiled. "You never know," Sai said softly, "you might have been forever embarrassed because I would have realized you have no penis."

Naruto nearly smacked him. "Sai, you bastard. That clearly would never be the case," he said as he walked over to Sai, his expression still slightly despondent.

"Hopefully not," Sai said, smirking as he kissed Naruto one last time before making his way towards the door. "Goodnight, Naruto-kun. I'll see you in the morning," he said, giving Naruto the privacy he probably needed at the moment and slightly afraid of what could continue to happen, sure that Naruto wasn't ready for any of it. He hadn't wanted to stop, but had to force himself to stop, to push his emotions back, something he found unable to do around Naruto. He hoped he really was the best for Naruto as he walked back towards his own apartment, not too far from Naruto's own.

-----

Naruto twisted in his bed, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he faced something in his dreams. It was the same nightmare, he knew. He was walking along the same path and soon would find Sasuke. They would then talk and then he'd be flung into an abyss from which he wouldn't be able to get out of, from which more taunting would ensue. He knew this dream, had it memorized, and was afraid of continuing, but he couldn't wake himself up, couldn't walk down another path, or at least had never tried. He looked towards his left and followed it, afraid of where it might lead to but hoping it would be better than Sasuke's inferno. Trees eventually began to surround him, unlike the barren land in which he usually found Sasuke, and a figure could be seen up ahead, though it was only a dot. He moved towards it, not exactly eager and fearing what he might find, but he puffed out his chest and continued. Fear would never hold him back, he thought to himself as he continued walking, or at least, that was what he hoped.

He neared the figure and saw he was near a body of water, sitting down and relaxing against a tree. He neared the person, curious to know who it was, and stared as various emotions ran through him once the face was visible.

'Sai,' he said and in his dream, Sai looked up at him, opening his eyes and putting on a welcoming smile. 'Naruto-kun, I'm so glad you decided to join me,' he said, his face expressing everything he was feeling. He got up and immediately embraced Naruto, pushing him back only to look at him, the same smile on his lips. 'I was wondering when you would finally come,' Sai said, his lips nearing Naruto's until they were pressed against his own. Naruto felt his own heart do a flutter before Sai moved away, laughing at apparently an expression on Naruto's face. 'Naruto-,' he was about to say when a crash startled Naruto out of his dream.

"Damn it," Naruto heard as he stirred up, completely awake. He heard someone pick up something and continue to walk, or more like drag himself, after placing whatever he had dropped back, and muttering a few curses along the way. Naruto stood up, his hand reaching for the kunai under his pillow and ready to attack, focusing his eyes on the moving figure.

His heart stopped once the figure stepped into the light.

"Sasuke?"

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