Desideratum
by ApostasyII


Everyone knows you can't pass the Gate of Truth without a soul. So what happens to a homunculus? Truth offers Envy and the other homunculi a single chance to retrieve a soul. But the cost of salvation is high and the path to redemption is anything but straightforward. Between new military conspiracies, a violent supremacy group, and the strange, secretive Biologics Institute, new alliances must be formed, old friendships are tested and everyone must look within themselves to decide what it is they truly need to find happiness.
Set three years post Brotherhood. Envy/OC, Greed, Lust, hints of Ed/Winry, OC's


Prologue: The Land of Truth

White. Endless white was all that stretched before him like a vast ocean of pure light. It was blinding in its intensity. An infinite expanse of nothing. It rang with a deafening symphony of silence that echoed with painful emptiness through the very depths of its bleak existence. Was this death?

A sharp sound behind him caused him to spin around suddenly in surprise. He took a startled step back as he looked up. An enormous concrete door stretched before him, ancient and crumbling, looming like a monstrous shadow. Well, half a door really. It was broken, as though large chunks had been blasted forcefully away from it. Or perhaps it had been removed itself from a larger whole. It was filled with a complex array of symbols carved deeply into its noble face. Words were scratched into the surface: Saeva, Frigus, Odium, Captiosus, Acutulus. A single word stood out, etched in scrawling red in the very center: Invidia.
He wasn't sure precisely why but there was something incredibly disturbing about all of this. This place was filled with an uneasy anxiety as it was and the dark door, bathed in lonely light, only lent to the tense feelings of disquiet that ran through this place like veins of silver. There seemed to be a charged air around the unsettling door like static that rolled off it in thick waves of warning, screaming at him to get away. There was something about it that made his stomach turn and the hair on the back of his neck stand on end just looking at it. Yet it also held an alarming attraction. He was simultaneously drawn to its siren call and terrified of its solemn depravity. He was filled with a deep and inexplicable longing to touch it but also repulsed by the sickening waves of horror it exuded. He wasn't sure whether to stay and find out what lay beyond its stoic face or turn and run as far from it as he possibly could. His fingers trembled as they ached to reach for its cold, solid surface but remained frozen at his side. Before he could make a decision another sound echoed from behind him like a whisper. He felt the soft presence of a person press up beside him, their aura thick and oppressive.

"Envy." The name was sighed heavily against his ear as though the person had been standing over him. He whirled around in a panic and heard the sinister voice laugh in the distance.

"Who's there?" his voice was unsteady. He hated the way it sounded so pathetically fearful like a whimpering child afraid of the dark. Why was he so afraid? What was there to fear in this barren wasteland? More whispers echoed through the blankness from every direction. They mumbled indistinctly but their tone was filled with malice and mirth. He clenched his fingers into fists, his uncontrollable fear quickly spiraling into a mask of anger.

"Who are you? Where are you?!" his lavender eyes frantically scanned the bleak white, searching for any hint of motion or color. The blinding white was starting to make his eyes hurt as they scanned for the source of the sounds. "Show yourself coward!" he barked and the whispering stopped, the sounds dying into silence again. His heart beat furiously against his rib cage, adrenaline coursing through his body like fire in preparation to fight the unseen forces of this terrible place.

He caught a glimpse of color emerging from the sea of white, his violet eyes focusing on it intensely as he braced himself defensively.

"Envy?" A voice called out to him. An extremely familiar voice colored with a fear he had never believed he'd hear coming from the unbreakably cool, composed woman.

"Lust?" her tall, thin form was beginning to appear amongst the misty white. Her eyes were wide like marbles searching the emptiness just as frantically as his had been and her dark hair fell in disarray around her head contrasting drastically with her pale skin. She looked completely terrified

"Envy, help me! Please! Where am I? Please help me!"

"Lust!" He reached his hand out to her, desperate to touch her, to make sure she was real. His mind welcomed the sight of her familiarity, immediately associating her with safety. He took a step towards her, then another, until he was running towards her frightened figure but the more he ran the farther away she seemed to be. She suddenly vanished back into the mist and the temporary feeling of safety disappeared with her, leaving him feeling empty and alone again.

"No! Bring her back!" he shouted into the void, angry again as the cold claws of fear began to sink deeply into his bones. He sensed more than felt the presence of water and looked down to see a thin sheen of water now coated the entire floor of this place. Its surface was pristine, a perfect mirror reflecting back the white mist that was now starting to roll thickly through the void. He took a step forward, watching as his own reflection rippled in the water. "What is this place?"

That dark laugh echoed again as his own reflection suddenly began to rise from the water like a featureless white copy of himself. "This is the land of Truth, little Homunculus." he jumped back in shock as his doppleganger smiled ominously at him with too many teeth.
"The Land of Truth..." he said breathlessly looking around again for a moment in awe and wonder before snapping his attention back to the creature in front of him "Who are you?" he growled through his teeth, narrowing his eyes.

"Some might call me the world. Or the universe. Or God. Or Truth. But all is one and one is all. So I am me but I am also you."

"Speak plainly monster!"

"Monster? I guess you could say that. I am you after all." the creature called Truth laughed as he ground his teeth together. "Oh do you not like that? No one ever likes to hear Truth especially when it is so plainly laid before them."

"Why am I here? I thought I was dead. How do I leave?"

"Tch. Tch. Tch. Why are you in such a hurry to leave? You've only just arrived."

"Answer my question."

"I guess it is a good question. You can't stay here afterall..." Truth seemed to cock its head sideways in contemplation. "Even monsters can't live in the Land of Truth without their souls."

"I'm not a monster." he growled.

"You're perhaps the saddest monster of them all. Envy the Jealous. Jealous of the humans no less."

"I'm not jealous of the pathetic humans! They are weak creatures. All of them! I'm not like them!" he hissed.

"It does no good to lie. You're only lying to yourself afterall."

"You don't know me."

"Don't I? Look at you. The humans think you're abominations. Unnatural creatures undeserving of love or life." It laughed. "Maybe they're right. How sad. So very sad."

"Shut up!"

"You want what they have so very badly. Its the only thing you truly want. You crave it desperately. You want their love and adoration. You want family and friends who care. But you can't have any of that so you sought to destroy it. You think yourself so superior to them but really you're not any different."

"I'm a Homunculus. I am superior to a human!"

"Perhaps in some ways. You are stronger. Faster. More resilient."

"Better."

"But thats not why you think yourself so above them is it? No. Its because they don't accept you. But how could they? You can't even accept yourself. You're so deeply insecure. You want validation that you're life is worth something. You want them to love you, yo want you, to envy you. But they don't. They can't. They're horrified by you, by what you are: the unloved abomination, a blight on the world, a horrific monster, unnatural, ugly. And that little voice in your head whispers 'Maybe its true. Maybe they're right.' Deep down you know they are. So if they won't accept you then you won't accept them. And what better way to justify your alienation then by controlling it yourself and becoming the monster they believe you are. Thats why you think you're better than them."
"You don't know anything!" he spat with as much venom as he could muster his entire body trembling with anger at the creature Truth. He could feel the burning sting of tears behind his eyes but he choked them back stubbornly, refusing to let them fall. He would not show weakness to a creature like that. How dare this creature speak down to him like this, like it understood anything.

"I know everything about you. I am Truth." Truth took a step towards him ominously. "And now it is time to decide what to do with you, little Homunculus. You are a creature of the Land of Appearances. Your body can not live here in the Land of Truth but you also can not pass through the Gate and face Judgement without a soul either."

"You don't know what you're saying! You know nothing!" he hissed vehemently. Truth cackled cruelly then took a step towards him and he couldn't stop himself from stepping back in fear, the facade of anger crumbling away. Truth continued towards him until he felt the cold smooth surface of the door at his back. It crackled with energy as he touched it sending him sprawling onto the floor on his hands and knees in the water. Suddenly it was like a thousand hands had swarmed to wrap tightly around his limbs, dragging his body down with crushing intensity. He struggled against their weight in a panic.

"I know everything. I am everything. I am Truth. You were once a part of the creature called Father but he is dead now and has since passed to face his Judgement. His soul left you behind you poor, sad creature. But you're not him are you? No. You're separate from him. You always have been. It is simply the Law of Entropy. You can not be recombined. Not truly. His Judgement is not your own. But your soul is not here and you can't wait for long. So what can be done with you?"

"Get off! Let go of me!" he strained wildly against the crushing heaviness as his body was pulled nearly flat to the ground. He kicked out senselessly, splashing and fighting as the hands tried to force his face down into the water.

"You hold yourself down." Truth said cooly.

"Why can't you give me one then?!" he forced his upper body up again against the crushing hands, teeth bared furiously at the creature. "If you are God, if you are so powerful then why don't you just give me a soul?!" His eyes held a kaleidoscope of emotions as he stared wide eyed up at Truth with fury, fear, pain, panic, hope...

"You would like that, wouldn't you? That's not how this works, little Homunculus. I can not give you something you already have nor can I take something from you which you do not." His arms shook with the effort of trying to hold himself up.

"Some all powerful God you are. No wonder my Father wanted to dethrone you. You're useless!" he spat, his tone like acid as though the acerbic words could corrode the crushing disappointment he unexpectedly felt rising in him. The feeling didn't linger long, quickly replaced again by panic as the hands squeezed painfully tighter, dragging his body back down to the watery ground. "Stop!" He could feel a particularly forceful hand grab harshly at the back of his neck, shoving him down into the water. He flailed and struggled, as his mouth filled with cold water and his lungs suddenly burned for air, his head rushing with the blind fear of drowning despite its irrationality. He would've screamed if he could but there was no air. Water was quickly filling his lungs with a rushing heaviness like concrete. Just when he thought he wouldn't be able to take any more, the hand holding him loosened its grip infinitesimally letting him push his head up out of the water to gasp for air, choking and coughing and spluttering. He stared up at Truth with wild, round eyes, through the curtain of dark, wet hair now clinging to his face.

"You're not in control here, Homunculus." Truth laughed. "What an arrogant creature you are. You get a small speck of power and you think you own the world. You think you control it. You don't even know what that power is." Envy's body trembled in fear, a chill running down his spine as his own words were parroted back to him, unable to speak as he panted for air he never knew he needed. "You're so afraid aren't you? How does it feel? What are you more afraid of? Drowning? Burning? Or being alone?" The questions angered him as he burned again with the humiliation of being humbled by this evil creature and he growled low in his throat between labored breaths. He couldn't take this again. One crushing defeat was enough.

"Let go of me!" he threw himself angrily forward towards Truth like a rabid dog lunging to attack its handlers but the hands still clinging to his body kept him where he was.

"You're such a fascinating creature. I don't want to see your destruction just yet. You have much to teach and much to learn. You're fortunate you've shown me you can learn and change. So unlike the Father you were created from yet so much the same..." Truth knelt down in front of him reaching out its hand to grab at his collar and pull him up closer, rescuing him temporarily from the hands trying to drown him. It didn't actually touch him but somehow it was like it had grabbed onto him like a vice. Water dripped down his face.

"Alright. You have a choice little Homunculus. A choice few are ever given. So listen closely because I'll only say it once. You want a complete soul? I'll give you one. Or at least a chance for one. But its a trade. There will be a cost. You know how it works. Equivalent exchange."

"What cost?" he narrowed his eyes furiously.

"The price of salvation is high."

"What cost?!" he spat angrily through his teeth.

"Do you accept?"

"I-"

"Of course you do." Truth let go of him, letting him fall flat to the floor again.

The thousands of small hands were suddenly pulling and dragging him back through the water towards the portal instead of down into the ground. He could hear the painful groan of the heavy doors as they slid open behind him and even more hands grabbed onto him.

"Be careful little Homunculus. Remember your time is borrowed. And you don't have a Philosopher's Stone this time around." It cackled . "You must find yourself. Only then will you be able to retrieve your soul."

All he could hear was the insane laughter of the creature called Truth as his body was pulled back through the crumbling portal and everything disappeared into blackness.


A/N: Ok so not exactly my best piece of writing but I kinda have this sort of loose idea for a story and I don't want to spend eons trying to get everything perfect. I'm going to just try to get the story out faster and then if I feel like it later I'll go back and add in more description and metaphors and distinct tone and try to smooth things out better. I'm also not entirely certain where I want to go with this story so I'll replace my crappy summary later when I've actually decided on more solid plot points.
Anyway. This story is about the homunculus, primarily Envy because he's my favorite and little of Lust who didn't get a ton of character development. And now, that I've written some more in depth notes Greed too because I also really like him and there just aren't enough stories about the homunculus. Its just sort of about what would happen to the homunculus if they got a chance to possibly redeem themselves and maybe find the love and affection they need and crave. Right now its just me sort of playing with these characters in different situations and trying to figure out how they would react and behave. I haven't planned anything too terrible to happen just yet so for now rating is T but due to the darker nature my writing typically takes and my fondness of the word Fuck there's a pretty good likelihood it'll end up M. Just a warning.
If you enjoy it please please leave me a note and let me know! I'm hoping at least one person reads this. This is the first time I've ever actually posted anything I've written in a public forum, so don't be too harsh... Thanks!
- ApostasyII