"The Best Kisser Takes All"
A Season Six Episode

Scene- Apartment

Jack and Terri Are Watching "Laverne and Shirley"

Terri: That Cindy Williams is the best!

Jack: Boo-Boo Kitty is waaaaay better!

They Start Fighting

RF Enters

RF: Hi kids!

Terri: RF, you should knock!

Jack: We might have not been decent!

RF: That's the day Squirrels fly!

RF Starts Laughing

Terri: There are flying squirrles RF!

RF Stops Laughing

RF: I watching you two!

Jack: Now, what did you come up here for?

RF: I forgot..............I'll come back later. Bye, kids!

RF Exits

Janet Enters

Terri: Janet, who's better: Boo-Boo Kitty or Cindy Williams

Janet Starts Crying

Jack (To Janet): She must be a Penny Marshall fan!

Terri: Janet, what's wrong?

Janet: Dave....Dave-

Terri: Who's Dave?

Jack: Her boyfriend. What did he do?

Terri: Not that, I hope!

Janet: No........he said I was a.......bad kisser!

Janet Really Breaks Down

Terri: I heard of that.

Janet: What?

Terri: The nerve of that!

Janet: Tell me the truth.

Terri: I heard you have.......fishlips!

Janet: What!?

Terri: Fishlips! Ya heard you, fishlips!

Janet: Oh yeah?! I heard you have....have....have

Terri: What have you heard?

Janet: That your lips bleed often and make your kisses taste like blood!

Terri: What? My kiss taste perfectly fine, Mrs. Tuna!

They Start Fighting

Jack: Girls, girls, there's only one way to solve this: Both of you kiss me.

Janet: Okay! But no funny stuff!

Janet Kisses Jack

While She's Kissing, RF Enters

RF's Eyes Bulge

Janet Finishes

Jack: Did I taste fish?

Janet: Oh yeah!

Janet Gives Him A REAL Big Kiss

RF's Eyes Bulge Real Big

RF Faints

Jack: That was a KISS!

Terri: I'll show you a kiss!

Terri Grabs His Head And Gives Him a HUGE kiss

RF Comes To

His Eyes REALLY Bulge

He Faints and Falls Down the Stairs

A Cat Screaming Is Heard

Janet: What was that?

Jack: The steam from us must have set the smoke alarm off!

Terri: So, who was better?

Jack: The winner is- TERRI!

Janet: I'll get you next time, Terri Alden!

Later........

Janet, Jack, and Terri Are Talking

Larry Enters

Larry: Hi guys! Did you hear what happened to RF?

Terri: What?

Larry: He broke his leg.

Janet: Really? How?

Larry: He said he was standing in your doorway when he fainted and fell!

Jack: You don't think-

Terri: I do!

Janet: Me too!

Larry: What?

Jack: See, we were kissing-

Larry: I knew it wasn't platonic!

Jack: No let me-

RF Enters, With a Moustache on

Terri: Hi RF!

RF: I'm JF. CAn I ask you a question? (They Know It's RF)

Janet: Sure!

RF: I heard a rumor that you two girls and Tippytoes were kissing.

Jack: It's true! I've changed! The girls have to lock their doors at night!

RF Takes Out a Piece of PAper and Gives It to Jack

Terri: What does it say?

Jack (Reads): JACK TRIPPER: YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED. GET OUT IN TWENTY THREE HOURS.

Janet: But you're not RF!

RF Rips the Moustache Off

He Groans

RF: I saw you three kiss!

Larry: You called that a kiss? Girls!

Girls: No way Larry!

Jack: Wait! Girls Come To Me!

They Huddle and Whisper

Terri: Larry, I'll kiss you!

Larry: Yahoo!

Terri: But Close Your Eyes the Entttire time!

Larry Closes His Eyes

Terri Winks at Janet

Janet Runs Into the Kitchen

Clanking is Heard

Janet Runs Out With a Mop And Gives It to Terri

Terri Puts the Mop In Her Place

Larry Trys to Kiss the Mop, But He and the Mop fall to the floor

Larry Jumps Up

Larry: What a cheap trick! (To RF) But I'm telling you, that was no kiss!

Terri: How would you know? You weren't there!

All (Except Terri and RF): TERRI!

RF: You almost fooled me! Now, out!

Janet: Wait a minute! You invaded our privacy.....I think we should call a UNION!

RF: Not a union! Bart Hates Unions!

Jack: And all these health violations will keep you jobless for years!

RF: No, no, no!

Terri: And the consistent scareity of water in this building is a welcome wagon for heat stroke! We'll make millions!

Janet Goes to Phone

Janet: I'll Call Them Right Now!

RF: Hush that mouth, Janet! Jack can stay

Jack, Janet, and Terri All Hug

RF: But what were you doing?

Jack: I wasn't going to tell becuase it would embarress the girls but.....they were trying to figure out the best kiss.

RF: For shame, Terri! For shame Janet!

Janet: Well, a girl's gotta have some fun!

RF: But not at the expense of other people! Jack might never be normal again! But then again, he never was!

Jack: Comfort me, RF!

Jack Holds His Hands Out

RF Goes Into a Karate Stance

RF: Don't touch me! Now, no more of this! Girls, leave poor Jack out of your problems! From what I hear, neither of you can kiss!

J&T: Oh yeah?

They Push RF Out

He Falls Down the Stairs

Janet, Jack, Terri, and Larry Run to the Top Step

Terri: I didn't see anything!

Larry: Me too!

Jack: How did that happen?

Janet: I don't know!

The Tag of the Show

Scene- Furley's Apartment

Janet, Jack, and Terri are Gathered Around RF, who has two broken legs and is Sitting on His Bed

RF: Terri, can you get me some punch? Janet, can you get me the newspaper?

T&J: Sure!

They Exit

Jack: Now, I think it's time that we get to know each other!

RF: No, JAck! Control Yourself!

RF Smashs His Head On the Headboard

A Lamp Proped Up On a Shelf Above the Bed Falls And Hits RF On the Head

Jack: Oh no!

He Goes to the Door. There's a Note There

Jack (Reads): Dear RF, It's me Cindy! I'm getting back at you for leaving me at the Zoo! Cindy Snow

Jack Screams And Runs Out

The End