SILENT HEIST
1 DECEMBER FRIDAY
How time dragged. Could it drag any worse? The small hand on the wall clock came to a full circle, the big hand shifted with a loud click. It was official. It was now four, and too late to be let off early. James fumbled with the transistor-crystal in his pocket, a mobile radio device in the shape of an amethyst pendulum on a chain.
Professor Jarmy Carkson, who taught Defense Against the Dork Arts, was very tall. He had curly grey hair and something of a stupid, flat face. Also, he used to present a show on television about the latest wand technology.
"My wand is so powerful," he said, strutting back and forth. "Whitebeam, Ultra-Pegasus Core, 50 centimeters. NAUGHT TO SIXTY! Brass knob and indents for gripping, and the really cool thing is that if you unscrew the knob you have a cup for your espresso, and a peep hole for your core health check."
He unscrewed the knob and peeped into the wand like it was a telescope. Then he put it back together, put it aside, opened an ornate snuff box and stuck some of that under his upper lip.
"Ultra-Pegasus core is the most powerful core. My wand is literally horsepowered. It runs on a billion horsepowers, to be precise. NAUGHT TO SIXTY! The modern nano-wand shell technology makes my wand so smooth and sporty, yet so robust that I could chuck it in the fiery pits of Mordor and it wouldn't get a scratch. My wand is more powerful than all your wands. My wand wins. Remember that, if you should ever have to face a Dark Wizard, that if you had just had my wand, you would have survived. Now I want you to copy this because this will be on the exam."
He picked up a chalk stick and wrote in large and clear letters on the blackboard: MY WAND WINS. And when he was finished, he didn't put down the chalk stick gently, he flicked it violently at the bottom frame so it boucned off and broke the clock. Not because he was angry, but simply because he was Jarmy Carkson.
James actually found him kind of cool, but wished that he would get the clocks horsepowered instead of broken. They were already SO LATE!
"For your homework," Professor Carkson said, at last (and those words were like an angelic choir for it always meant the end was nigh!), "I want you to have a competition with your friends about who has the most resistant wand. Ok now I really must dash, I have to pick up my flying Jaguar E-Type from the reparo man. Class dismissed."
Finally! There was nobody in here that hadn't guarded their books and pencil case for the past ten minutes, ready to take off as soon as they got the cue like an olympic runner. So with their arms full of classroom necessities, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter, joined the fleeing horde, abandoned it at the treshold and found the North Hall reasonably undisturbed. There they dumped their things at the foot of a crinkled lump of oxidised bronze, on top of which they squashed together, gathering around James's transistor-crystal. Getting it to sway in the correct rhytm was a delicate task.
"Bzzzt! Bzzzt!"
They were getting reception, and listened with jittery anticipation.
"Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Yarrrr, ye landcrabs!"
The chaps went: "YAARRR!" And then they went: "Shushush!"
"That was Back Stabbers by the O'Jays, and before that we had Elton John with Rocket Man, yarrr! But I am back from the poop deck! It's where I go when I don't like something I hear, usually The Carpenters. Yarr, for I am Captain Meat-Hook and I only play what I like and what I don't like goes to the bottom of the ocean where it is devoured by sea monsters! I was a carpenter on this ship, the MS MY RUDDER, and I can tell you, a carpenter never has time for 'hanging around, nothing to do but frown.' There is always a leg that needs fixing somewhere. Therefore I deduce that The Carpenters are not carpenters, they are liars and what do we do to liars?"
"KEELHAULING! SHUSHUSHUSH!"
"Stay tune for when I keelhaul The Carpenters later."
"Captain Meat-Hook is so cool!" said James. "He says pirate things!"
"I know!" said Sirius. "Last week he called us angelfish!"
"Shushush!"
"Shushushushshush!"
"Have you ever found yourself surrounded with seabirds and asked: Why do birds suddenly appear? BECAUSE YOU SMELL OF FISH! My treasures of the week will continue in a short while. I got some cracking songs coming up for ye mermaids! But now it's time for a letter! This week's letter comes from Hogwarts."
James felt his heart pound like a giant's knocker on oak doors. Sirius's eyes grew wides as saucers.
"Maybe it's our letter!"
The chaps broke sweat they were so nervous and excited.
"Here it is!
Dear Captain Meat-Hook!
We are grade 5 witches at Hogwarts and big fans of your show. We try to catch it every Friday, if we can. Now we would like to ask a favour of you. The Yule Disco is coming up on the 16th of December. Can you please come then and play music for us and do your show?
Your biggest fans
Donna, Gloria and Rhonda
"Well, girls! I may be a ruthless pirate who loots and pillages, yarr! So I have some scary news! On the 16th of December I will crash the Yule Disco and loot and pillage and play some groovy songs! How do you like that, ye eels?! Yarr! My treasures of the week continues, here is Neil Young with Heart of Gold because it is about treasure!"
James's spirit was immediately punctured for he and the chaps were mere grade 2 wizards and as such they were not invited to the Yule Disco. He kicked the crinkled lump of oxidised iron with the back of his foot.
"Ow! Man that sucks! Captain Meat-Hook is coming to Hogwarts and we don't even get to see him although we're his biggest fans!"
"So unfair!" Sirius huffed. "Getting in is going to be really hard isn't it!"
"Yeah! Getting in is going to be a little hard!"
It wasn't going to be easy. But they'd get in. But not without having to make some kind of effort.
