-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:18 pm-

EB: dave
EB: dave
EB: daveeeeee

TG: what

EB: how big would you say you are?

TG: uh
TG: is this really happening?

EB: what?
EB: of course it is! i don't know and its important!

TG: this is important huh?
TG: well i can assure you im not little.

EB: but you kind of are.

TG: what
TG: that depends how you define little
TG: i mean, the scales differ here
TG: this is a very opinionated issue
TG: are we talking like asian dude little?
TG: cuz i assure you i am not asian dude little.
TG: i mean, even if were talking not asian dude here i'm not little
TG: like, at the least average
TG: the least

EB: i guess people in asia are skinnier than people in america

TG: and like stumpy too
TG: i'd like to assure you that i am not infact stumpy

EB: …wait
EB: omg

TG: also, are we talking like

EB: dave

TG: half mast
TG: or full sail?

EB: AAAAAAAAAAUGH
EB: EWW
EB: OMG JEGUS DAVE
EB: i was talking about your shirt size!
EB: SHIRT SIZE!
EB: because i saw a shirt that reminded me of you
EB: and i was gonna buy it!
EB: but now i don't know if i want to!

TG: oh
TG: omg wow
TG: lm fucking ao here kid

EB: do asain people have smaller penises?
EB: also, did you just use assassins creed to describe erections?

TG: well i mean
TG: if karkats rambling about our miniature oriental wangs means anything
TG: hes implying that we have little dicks
TG: and therefore that oriental people have smaller penises
TG: i figure he must know these things

EB: eww
EB: i don't think thats true

TG: but its okay
TG: the chicks always say size doesn't matter
TG: its what you do with it

EB: … are you trying to defend small penises?

TG: what
TG: no

EB: …do you have a small penis?

TG: jesus no

EB: cuz you'll still be my bro
EB: even with a small penis

TG: no
TG: egbert
TG: like almost seven inches

EB: ...
EB: holy fuck

TG: the internet says like six is average

EB: i never wanted to know that dave
EB: never
EB: i don't know if we can be friends anymore

TG: don't lie to me

EB: I think I might puke

TG: shut up
TG: every guy worries about it
TG: every one
TG: like is little jimmy more loaded than i am
TG: cuz i am way fuckin loaded
TG: but the little ones are always the ones that are secretly packing
TG: what if little jimmy is actually big fuckin jimmy
TG: and then you become worried that someones more packed than you
TG: and it's like a vicious cycle of endless worry that you are the smallest guy in the room

EB: do you worry about this dave?

TG: i don't got to
TG: got nothin to worry about

EB: cuz i'm sure no one actually worries about this

TG: i fuckin swear to you dude
TG: ampora

EB: well thats an exception
EB: of course Eridan would worry about that

TG: and zahhak
TG: in fuckin english
TG: i fuckin swear to you bro
TG: my poor innocent ears picked up on this shit
TG: im now aware the size of amporas man meat
TG: his big kahuna
TG: which was actually an average kahuna

EB: omg
EB: stop

TG: and zahhak

EB: dave
EB: STOP

TG: who was like asian dude on the scale

EB: FUCK YOU
EB: ….
EB: I feel like
EB: he'd be like small
EB: but like
EB: super beefed

TG: way super thick
TG: like a potato

EB: omg
EB: smh dude
EB: smhing so hard

TG: your laughing
TG: so stop
TG: its not funny its sad
TG: probably not as sad as your little man crush
TG: i bet nic cage has a tiny dick
TG: fuckin microscopic
TG: need an electron microscope for that shit

EB: shut up!

TG: sir, we cracked the lens!
TG: had to zoom so close we broke the lens!
TG: and anyways 'm waiting

EB: waiting for what?

TG: well come on bro
TG: i told you
TG: bros share this shit

EB: what
EB: no
EB: that will never happen dave
EB: this isn't even happening!

TG: its okay if your smaller than me
TG: i mean i am taller
TG: and just all together better
TG: and sexier

EB: shut up!
EB: that's not true!
EB: fuck!
EB: like 6 ½ okay!

TG: see
TG: no need to be upset
TG: you couldn't beat a strider
TG: we are practically legendary between the knees

EB: fine
EB: you started this dude
EB: were making this happen
EB: circumference

TG: dont use your fuckin math terms at me
TG: and anyways i bet i still beat

EB: i'm sure you do dave
EB: beat it
EB: but come on dude
EB: i'm stronger than you, that must mean something!

TG: im ignoring the mj reference
TG: okay well then I have to check
TG: we are talking hard?
TG: cuz im gonna have to get a string
TG: and
TG: hard

EB: fuck

TG: this might take a minute

EB: dave

TG: was that a scandalized fuck
TG: or a breathy desperate fuck
TG: its okay if you want the d
TG: its a pretty great d

EB: thats it
EB: i'm gone
EB: goodnight dave!

TG: wait
TG: egbert
TG: your right this is important
TG: can you really go to bed not knowing whether your pecker is fatter than me or not
TG: can that thing dish out more seed
TG: can you go to bed thinking im bigger and better than you in every way
TG: i think we both know im better anyways
TG: but are you thicker?
TG: that is the question
TG: john

EB: just
EB: jerk yourself and give me an answer already dude
EB: …
EB: hurry it up!
EB: i actually need to sleep tonight

TG: wait
TG: you go first

EB: what!

TG: cuz
TG: I feel like you would be that guy
TG: that one guy
TG: that guy who waits for the other guy to say it first just so he can one-up him with a larger number

EB: i already told you that i was shorter!
EB: so we both know i'm not that guy
EB: but now i'm worried that you are!

TG: when the clock strikes midnight
TG: we post

EB: wow that sounds corny

TG: midnight egbert
TG: then we can truly know one another
TG: and the closer we get the more our love will grow

EB: i hate you

TG: love you too
TG: okay
TG: 3.95

EB: 4 ¼

TG: fuck

EB: 3.95 really?
EB: you had to be that exact?

TG: im playing the its what you do with it card again
TG: two out of three is still winning

EB: okay terezi sucked you off one time cuz she has that weird thing with tasting people
EB: she still asks me if i want to share in her findings
EB: its weird

TG: okay but thats more than youve had

EB: i've had an actual girlfriend

TG: but we both know nothing happened there
TG: virgin boy
TG: your sloppy make outs dont count

EB: i hate you

TG: code for
TG: i want the d
TG: very tsundere john

EB: okay i'm going to bed!
EB: and i'm going to erase this conversation from my head so i can actually fucking sleep!

TG: your gonna stay awake thinking about my schlong

EB: wow that word is such a turn off

TG: implying that before you were turned on

EB: fuck you
EB: code for
EB: no you pretentious fucknugget

TG: when you start channeling karkat its time to go to bed

EB: yes.

-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 00:09-

TG: gnight
TG: love you


A/N:/ John's gonna wake up tomorrow with a note on his door.
SON,
YOUR SCHLONG IS THICKER THAN YOUR FRIENDS

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also I actually heard guys comparing during English class a few years ago. Yup. Inspiration for fics come from the weirdest places.
And can we acknowledge the greatness of that peckers and seed line? Cuz that was fucking genius.
Wasn't sure if this should be rated T or not. Decided to play it safe.
Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and I only wish I was as hilarious as him.