-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:18 pm-
EB: dave
EB: dave
EB: daveeeeee
TG: what
EB: how big would you say you are?
TG: uh
TG: is this really happening?
EB: what?
EB: of course it is! i don't know and its important!
TG: this is important huh?
TG: well i can assure you im not little.
EB: but you kind of are.
TG: what
TG: that depends how you define little
TG: i mean, the scales differ here
TG: this is a very opinionated issue
TG: are we talking like asian dude little?
TG: cuz i assure you i am not asian dude little.
TG: i mean, even if were talking not asian dude here i'm not little
TG: like, at the least average
TG: the least
EB: i guess people in asia are skinnier than people in america
TG: and like stumpy too
TG: i'd like to assure you that i am not infact stumpy
EB: …wait
EB: omg
TG: also, are we talking like
EB: dave
TG: half mast
TG: or full sail?
EB: AAAAAAAAAAUGH
EB: EWW
EB: OMG JEGUS DAVE
EB: i was talking about your shirt size!
EB: SHIRT SIZE!
EB: because i saw a shirt that reminded me of you
EB: and i was gonna buy it!
EB: but now i don't know if i want to!
TG: oh
TG: omg wow
TG: lm fucking ao here kid
EB: do asain people have smaller penises?
EB: also, did you just use assassins creed to describe erections?
TG: well i mean
TG: if karkats rambling about our miniature oriental wangs means anything
TG: hes implying that we have little dicks
TG: and therefore that oriental people have smaller penises
TG: i figure he must know these things
EB: eww
EB: i don't think thats true
TG: but its okay
TG: the chicks always say size doesn't matter
TG: its what you do with it
EB: … are you trying to defend small penises?
TG: what
TG: no
EB: …do you have a small penis?
TG: jesus no
EB: cuz you'll still be my bro
EB: even with a small penis
TG: no
TG: egbert
TG: like almost seven inches
EB: ...
EB: holy fuck
TG: the internet says like six is average
EB: i never wanted to know that dave
EB: never
EB: i don't know if we can be friends anymore
TG: don't lie to me
EB: I think I might puke
TG: shut up
TG: every guy worries about it
TG: every one
TG: like is little jimmy more loaded than i am
TG: cuz i am way fuckin loaded
TG: but the little ones are always the ones that are secretly packing
TG: what if little jimmy is actually big fuckin jimmy
TG: and then you become worried that someones more packed than you
TG: and it's like a vicious cycle of endless worry that you are the smallest guy in the room
EB: do you worry about this dave?
TG: i don't got to
TG: got nothin to worry about
EB: cuz i'm sure no one actually worries about this
TG: i fuckin swear to you dude
TG: ampora
EB: well thats an exception
EB: of course Eridan would worry about that
TG: and zahhak
TG: in fuckin english
TG: i fuckin swear to you bro
TG: my poor innocent ears picked up on this shit
TG: im now aware the size of amporas man meat
TG: his big kahuna
TG: which was actually an average kahuna
EB: omg
EB: stop
TG: and zahhak
EB: dave
EB: STOP
TG: who was like asian dude on the scale
EB: FUCK YOU
EB: ….
EB: I feel like
EB: he'd be like small
EB: but like
EB: super beefed
TG: way super thick
TG: like a potato
EB: omg
EB: smh dude
EB: smhing so hard
TG: your laughing
TG: so stop
TG: its not funny its sad
TG: probably not as sad as your little man crush
TG: i bet nic cage has a tiny dick
TG: fuckin microscopic
TG: need an electron microscope for that shit
EB: shut up!
TG: sir, we cracked the lens!
TG: had to zoom so close we broke the lens!
TG: and anyways 'm waiting
EB: waiting for what?
TG: well come on bro
TG: i told you
TG: bros share this shit
EB: what
EB: no
EB: that will never happen dave
EB: this isn't even happening!
TG: its okay if your smaller than me
TG: i mean i am taller
TG: and just all together better
TG: and sexier
EB: shut up!
EB: that's not true!
EB: fuck!
EB: like 6 ½ okay!
TG: see
TG: no need to be upset
TG: you couldn't beat a strider
TG: we are practically legendary between the knees
EB: fine
EB: you started this dude
EB: were making this happen
EB: circumference
TG: dont use your fuckin math terms at me
TG: and anyways i bet i still beat
EB: i'm sure you do dave
EB: beat it
EB: but come on dude
EB: i'm stronger than you, that must mean something!
TG: im ignoring the mj reference
TG: okay well then I have to check
TG: we are talking hard?
TG: cuz im gonna have to get a string
TG: and
TG: hard
EB: fuck
TG: this might take a minute
EB: dave
TG: was that a scandalized fuck
TG: or a breathy desperate fuck
TG: its okay if you want the d
TG: its a pretty great d
EB: thats it
EB: i'm gone
EB: goodnight dave!
TG: wait
TG: egbert
TG: your right this is important
TG: can you really go to bed not knowing whether your pecker is fatter than me or not
TG: can that thing dish out more seed
TG: can you go to bed thinking im bigger and better than you in every way
TG: i think we both know im better anyways
TG: but are you thicker?
TG: that is the question
TG: john
EB: just
EB: jerk yourself and give me an answer already dude
EB: …
EB: hurry it up!
EB: i actually need to sleep tonight
TG: wait
TG: you go first
EB: what!
TG: cuz
TG: I feel like you would be that guy
TG: that one guy
TG: that guy who waits for the other guy to say it first just so he can one-up him with a larger number
EB: i already told you that i was shorter!
EB: so we both know i'm not that guy
EB: but now i'm worried that you are!
TG: when the clock strikes midnight
TG: we post
EB: wow that sounds corny
TG: midnight egbert
TG: then we can truly know one another
TG: and the closer we get the more our love will grow
EB: i hate you
TG: love you too
TG: okay
TG: 3.95
EB: 4 ¼
TG: fuck
EB: 3.95 really?
EB: you had to be that exact?
TG: im playing the its what you do with it card again
TG: two out of three is still winning
EB: okay terezi sucked you off one time cuz she has that weird thing with tasting people
EB: she still asks me if i want to share in her findings
EB: its weird
TG: okay but thats more than youve had
EB: i've had an actual girlfriend
TG: but we both know nothing happened there
TG: virgin boy
TG: your sloppy make outs dont count
EB: i hate you
TG: code for
TG: i want the d
TG: very tsundere john
EB: okay i'm going to bed!
EB: and i'm going to erase this conversation from my head so i can actually fucking sleep!
TG: your gonna stay awake thinking about my schlong
EB: wow that word is such a turn off
TG: implying that before you were turned on
EB: fuck you
EB: code for
EB: no you pretentious fucknugget
TG: when you start channeling karkat its time to go to bed
EB: yes.
-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 00:09-
TG: gnight
TG: love you
A/N:/ John's gonna wake up tomorrow with a note on his door.
SON,
YOUR SCHLONG IS THICKER THAN YOUR FRIENDS
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also I actually heard guys comparing during English class a few years ago. Yup. Inspiration for fics come from the weirdest places.
And can we acknowledge the greatness of that peckers and seed line? Cuz that was fucking genius.
Wasn't sure if this should be rated T or not. Decided to play it safe.
Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and I only wish I was as hilarious as him.
