Authors note: This is my first fanfic, and truly one of the first stories I've seriously tried to write down, so of course it's about Eren and Levi!

Warnings: The story incorporates some themes about implied mental illness, so if that makes you uncomfortable, you can choose to continue reading or not :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin or any of the characters!


There's a man standing behind me, in the mirror. I reached out a finger to trace the lines of his back on the moist glass before me.

Pale skin, almost like ivory stood in sharp contrast to the dark strands of hair which lightly touched the tips of his ears. His slender neck curved down into strong shoulders clad in a crisp white shirt. As in a daze, my eyes lingered on the side of his neck. My finger, still on the mirror, trembled, and I could feel tears burn at the back of my eyes.

Who are you?

My thought was silent, but he acted like he heard me. Shifting slightly, he turned his head in my direction. I squinted my eyes to see him more clearly, but his features stayed distorted, hidden from me. My throat tightened, and I swallowed. I ached to see that face. I needed to see that face.

"Who are you?" I breathed, and followed the curve of his now exposed jawline with my finger.

The words were not more than a whisper, but fear of shattering the glass, and losing the image of him forever, kept my voice low. And desperate.

At that, his head tipped down a fraction, along with his shoulders, and just that slight movement made my chest clench. I could feel warm tears trail down my cheeks, leaving my face hot and wet. The desperation laid quivering in my chest, and threatened to rip itself out of my throat, and a small whimper escaped my trembling lips.

Again, he tilted his head towards me, and I could see the outline of his lips, moving soundlessly.

"Who are you?!" I cried out, and whirled around to find myself alone in the bathroom.

Always alone.

Staring into the air where he just stood, I pressed my hands to my head and sank to the floor. Pain spread through me, burning through my limbs and up to my chest. I clenched my face together and tried to catch my ragged breath, but even breathing hurt.

Everything fucking hurt.

For some time I just sat there, and kept my head between my knees. I couldn't keep one coherent thought in my mind. Everything was a blur, and kept slipping more and more away. What had the color of his hair been?

Breathe, Eren, I tried to convince myself.

Fuck you, Eren, my mind screamed, and drew me back into thoughts about him.

W-what had he even looked like? I clawed my hands against my head and tried to remember.

Nothing. I could remember… nothing. Only… the feeling. I squeezed my eyes shut. Longing. No, desperation. I needed to see him. Why?

By the time the image had slipped away, both my breathing and racing heart had calmed down, allowing the rest of my body to relax. I wiped away a few strands of hair which laid plastered on my forehead. With only little strength left in my legs, I rose shakily from the floor and leaned against the sink.

They called this panic disorder, chronic fatigue, or even perhaps post-traumatic stress. Honestly, I'd lost track of the different diagnoses they had put on me for the last year. Ever since the accident, these episodes, or whatever you call them, have occurred, and they always leave me in a state of…

Knock, knock!

"Eren? We need to leave now, Armin is waiting for us."

I jerked my head up, and hurriedly turned the water tap on, slapping cool water on my tear-streaked face.

"I'll be right out Mikasa!" I mumbled while reaching for a towel to dry my face and hands. With some effort I patted down the mop of brown hair on my head, which was still damp from the shower I took earlier. My blue t-shirt and jeans looked mostly unharmed by my –episode- so I just quickly smoothed them down, not wanting her to notice anything out of the ordinary.

Before I opened the door I took a deep breath and put a carefully practiced smile on my face.

My sister, though, was not easily fooled. She looked at me closely, concern evident in her grey eyes.

She started to reach out a hand to touch my still slightly reddened face. "Eren? Are you alright?"

Before she could reach me I gently brushed her hand away. "I'm fine," I said evasively, and tried to sidestep her but instead she gripped my arm, and I knew there were no means of escape. I didn't really want to admit it, but Mikasa is probably several times stronger than I am.

"Your face is flushed. Did you have another attack?"

I tried hard not to meet her eyes, and instead fixed my gaze at the red scarf around her neck. I knew she's worried about me, but these constant questions truly makes me feel like her little brother, with emphasis on little.

"Its fine, it's not like it's the first time." The words came out a bit harsher than I meant them to be, and I felt her grip around my arm loosen.

"Sorry," I mumbled immediately, and peered up at her. To others her face may appear calm, but I could see the quiet worry still lingering in her grey eyes. A twinge of guilt gnawed in my stomach. It was my fault she had to worry all the time.
I shifted uneasily where I stood, not sure what to say. Even though she was my sister, it didn't make it easier talking about stuff like this. "It's just…I'm just nervous about today, I guess," I said, trying to sound a bit more cheerful. I tugged at the ends of her scarf and tied them into a loose knot resting on her chest.

She seemed to ponder the truth of my answer since she didn't make any effort to try and get any more out of me. And for that, I was grateful. For a moment or two, we just stood there, regarding each other. Finally she came to the conclusion that either I was telling the truth, or that I wasn't going to say anything else.

"Okay, I'll wait in the car," she said and gently squeezed my arm.

I nudged my head towards the bedroom, "Just going to grab my stuff".

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Looking through my closet I decided on a thickly-knit grey sweater, and shrugged it on. Feeling the soft material on my skin, and though the smell was long gone, I imagined it still smelled like my mother did. Like the way your home smells, but you only realize it when you have been away for a long time.

She had kind eyes, and people often said that mine looked just like hers, though hers were brown, and mine are green, with a splash of blue. Just like the ocean, she used to tell me. When I was little she used to ruffle my hair, and promise we would go there one day. But that day never came.

I ran a hand over the sweater, and a small smile curved my lips. "I'll go there one day, mom, and then I'll promise to come and tell you about it."

Since it was only the beginning of October, and I was often too warm as it was, I let the jacket hang in the closet and clicked the door shut. The suitcase, which I admittedly packed hastily only an hour ago, sat on my bed, so I grabbed it with one hand and swiped the other over the nightstand to retrieve my keys. Sunlight caught on the small keychain, and cast glimmers into my eyes. There was a small silvery plate dangling from the delicate chain, showing a pair of interlocked wings. My father gave it to me when I was little, and the memory simultaneously makes me smile and grit my teeth.

Smile, because of how happy I was back then. All us of were together. Mom, dad, me and Mikasa.

Grit my teeth because that's all that he left behind when he decided to leave us.
No, not really, I correct myself, he also left me a bank account, and supposedly a safety deposit box, though I never bothered about those things.

Not until now anyway.

Without giving the keys or the room a second glance I strode outside.

After locking up my apartment, I headed outside where Mikasa was waiting for me in the car. Since Mikasa had a part-time job as a trainer close to her university, she managed to save up to buy her now most prized Toyota. The sleek, red vehicle was polished to the extent I could almost see my reflection in the metallic surface. When I squinted my eyes to see, the unwelcomed thought crept into my mind again. The stranger in the mirror. I pushed the image away before it could throw me into another attack. I tossed the bag into the trunk, slammed the door shut and slid into the passenger seat, with the keys still in my hand.

Mikasa remained quiet until we reached the first traffic light, a few blocks from the apartment.

"Are you sure about this, Eren?"

I heard the question, but didn't answer right away. At first, when people asked me that, I wasn't sure at all. Like, who actually wants to go to a place like that?

"Yeah," I finally managed to say, my gaze drifting back to the silvery key-chain in my hand.

"I can stay with you for a few days, you don't know any of those people there, it's not safe-"

I cut her off before she could go on with explaining how helpless I am, and sent her an annoyed glare. "Mikasa, I'm already 19. I don't need my sister to babysit me."

She just stared straight ahead, her expression guarded, but I saw her knuckles around the steering wheel turned white.

"Eren, you're my brother, I worry about you."

My glare dropped and I slumped into my seat. "I know, I know, but you don't need to save me. We aren't kids anymore."

She cast me a sideways glance, and raised one eyebrow. "No?"

I felt my cheeks heat up, and I turned my head away from her. "That was months ago, Mikasa, and Jean was being an asshole."

"Okay," she said, and from her tone I knew her lips where turned up into a pleased smile underneath her scarf.

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Jean had been an asshole.

It was about six months ago, just before Mikasa and Armin had moved to other parts of the city to go to college. We were out celebrating their acceptance with a few of our other friends, Reiner, Bertholdt and Connie. The night was young, the bar was packed, and we were having a great time.

And that's when Jean showed up. Jean and I had been going to high school together, and I'm not sure why, but we always managed to tick each other off. At first he lingered at the bar, together with Marco of course.

I had been chatting away with Reiner, or maybe Bertholdt, anyways, the few beers I already had in my system had started to affect me when Jean suddenly stood at our table.

Leaning in, he immediately focused on my sister. "Mikasa, I heard about your college acceptance. Congrats." He grinned in what maybe was supposed to be a charming way, but how could someone actually be charming with that kind of face?

"Thanks." Mikasa spared him a quick glance, then took a small sip of her drink and continued talking to Armin.

I noticed Jean's cheeks go slightly pink, and he gripped the ends of the table.

I couldn't help myself but let out a small snort, trying hard not to laugh at Jean's apparent humiliation. Judging from his rapid twist towards me, I hadn't been very quiet about it. He pushed away from the table, and a haughty look fell on his face, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly upwards.

"Hey, Jaeger," he said in a smug voice, "I should congratulate you, too. Congrats to being fired again." The quiet conversation around the table died, and I clenched my fingers around the beer bottle in my hand. I refused to let him ruin my night. Jean raised one eyebrow at me and continued without pause, "What was it this time? Couldn't take the pressure?"

At that I flung myself from my seat and balled my fists. "Shut up, Jean!"

His grin widened and he stepped closer to me. Marco, who stood behind him shot me an anxious glance while he tried to urge Jean back, but clearly didn't succeed.

"Touchy subject, Jaeger?" Jean continued and looked even more pleased since his height allowed him to look down on me.

Somehow he always knew how to push my buttons. Though I had no idea how he knew about me getting fired in the first place. Despite that my friends knew about what had happened, I felt embarrassed. Because Jean had a point, or well, two points. One. I had been fired, again. Two, I hadn't been able to take the pressure. Though, not in the way he probably thought. Standing there with that stupid grin of his, Jean had no idea what I've really gone through this passing year. He had been off at his new, supposedly high-paid job, without a worry in the world.

Anger flared inside me, and my intoxication probably didn't help that fact. I was just about to grab his shirt when I felt a strong arm around my waist that dragged me backwards.

"W-what?" I managed in surprise. And of course it was Mikasa. No one could escape her iron grip. While I was focused on Jean, she had slipped in behind me, thinking the situation would go out of hand, as it always did between me and Jean.

"Let's go, Eren," she said calmly.

I struggled without luck, and could feel my cheeks warm up from embarrassment. "Wha- No, I-"

The last thing I saw was Jean, still wearing that shit-eating grin on his stupid horseface.

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Mikasa pulled the car pulled to a stop outside a plain, brickwork house in a calmer neighborhood than the one I lived in. A blonde boy waved excitedly at us, and then turned back to wave at the old man sitting on the porch.

He opened the car door and plopped himself into the middle of the backseat. "Hey guys!"

I grinned and took his outstretched hand and clasped it. "Hey Armin!"

Mikasa shot him a smile, and drove away from the curb. Heading for the highway, she drove just at the speed limit. Careful as ever with her beloved car.

"Helping your grandpa over the weekend?" I asked Armin.

"Yeah, he just bought a new computer, and needed some help setting it up," he said with a shrug.

I found that thought hilarious, so with a laugh I said, "Okay, it's really cool he's into that stuff since he's so old."

Armin laughed as well. "It's possible that I might have told him about the option of buying books online, and get them delivered to the house instead of taking the bus across town to the bookstore."

Armin and his books. I gave him a knowing smile. "Of course you did."

I then sank back into my seat, and looked at the landscape surrounding us. With the many trees along the road their leaves colored in shades of orange and yellow, made me feel more at ease. It was rare I was even outside of the city, but whenever I got the chance I relished the peace it brought.

Armin cleared his throat behind me, and I knew he was about to say something he wasn't totally comfortable with.

"…So, how are things?"

I noticed he tried to sound casual, but the slight wavering of his voice gave him away.

"It's fine," I said, mostly out of habit, since everyone kept asking me the same thing.

Mikasa gave me a quick, questioning glance. "He had another attack before we left," she remarked, and darted her eyes back to the road.

"Mikasa!" I snapped, but managed to bite back the rest just at the tip of my tongue. I didn't want to be fighting on our last day together for what might be some time forward.

"Eren." Armin's voice was calm, but I could hear a bit of hesitation in it. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's alright. "

I sighed, and turned to face him. "The thing is…I don't know what to say."

He looked at me with about millions of questions in his eyes, but he only said, "Anything different this time?"

I tensed when the memory of what happened in the bathroom earlier drifted into my mind. "Not really," I mumbled, dragging my palms over my thighs, and then pushed them between the seat and my legs. "I saw…him…again, and as usual, it you know…it affected me."

Armin looked deep in thought where he sat in the middle of the backseat, his gaze fastened onto something far away. I hoped he didn't want to analyze it any further, the big thinker that he was.

"Then," he finally said, "I think you made a good choice going to this place."

Reluctantly I turned in my seat to wait for him to explain.

"Rose Hill is supposed to be one of the best," he continued, "after setting Granpas computer up I took another look at their homepage, and they have all the right qualifications."

Then for a moment Armin seemed to hesitate.

I frowned. "And?"

"Eren, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get a spot there?" When he saw my deepening frown, he waved his hands in the air and made a weird face at me, "And no, I'm not saying you don't deserve it or whatever, but the website said the waiting list is like a few years, and some of the doctors only take on special cases."

I realized I hadn't really told him any of the details about my admission. Since when did we not talk to each other about everything? He was my best friend after all. Deep down, I knew why. Since the…accident…I had changed. I'd started distancing myself. Not like I wasn't hanging out with my friends anymore. It was just…Something happened that day that changed me. And when Armin moved to go to college, we talked even less. Still, here he was. Here to follow me, and support me.

"Well…" I said at last, and braced myself.

While Mikasa turned off the highway onto smaller, less crowded roads, I told Armin how I'd found Rose Hill.

It was just two weeks ago, and I'd just gotten home from my last therapy session. I had been so angry, because I still wasn't making any progress. My therapist told me it would come in time, and I just needed to be patient, and had once again told me to tell her about my feelings. It was all we ever talked about.

How are you feeling today, Eren? How have your week been, Eren? Bla-bla-bla.

I was so sick and tired of talking about my feelings. Fuck, I wasn't even sure I even know how I felt myself, how was I supposed to tell her?

I'd crashed down into the sofa in my less than tidy living room. My goal had been to sit and sulk, but I soon grew restless. Flipping up my laptop, I decided to look at some video clips. Don't tell me how, but instead I ended up searching after pictures of horses. They always made me laugh. Then I found this image. It was a side of a woman's face. She had long hair, and it looked like she wore a crown of some sort. Something about the picture bugged me. Why was it in along with funny pictures of horses?

I was still feeling a bit riled up, so to entertain myself I thought I should report the picture or something for being in the wrong category. But, when I clicked it, I found myself on the page of The Rose Hill Institution. Only 10 minutes ago I was close to swearing therapy off for good, and there I was, writing an e-mail to this guy called Erwin Smith, who supposedly run the place. Like, there was nothing to lose anyway, was there?

He soon wrote me back to confirm what I've just read, that the waiting list was very long. I got disappointed, and it took me another day to send him a reply. Somehow, I didn't want this chance to slip away so I gave him a short version about my situation, explaining me seeing visions of someone, and having kind-of-panic-attacks. Almost immediately, I got a reply. He'd told me a Dr. Hanji might be able to help me. After exchanging a few e-mails with this Dr. Hanji, I found the idea of finally using the money dad had left me on something like this would be great.

"And here I am, on my way to see her," I concluded.

Armin sat with his mouth slightly open. "Oh, both of them have really good qualifications. I read that Dr. Hanji only takes on cases she finds extra interesting. I'm sure she can help you too. "

I let out a small laugh, "Ha, yeah, she actually seemed really excited about me coming. She wrote her e-mails with all these emoticons and stuff." Excited might have been an understatement. I wasn't so sure how professional the use of smiley faces was, but I was willing to meet her anyway.

Armin seemed happy I told him, and I found even myself relaxing a bit more. I was so used to talking to professionals, I had almost forgotten that friends sometimes were even better to talk to.

When the tension left my body, I yawned. After talking for so much my eyelids felt heavy, and since we had some time left on the road, I allowed myself to drift off into sleep.

I woke when I felt the car started moving unevenly, taking in the curves of the smaller roads.
While blinking slowly, I tried to make sense of where we were. I started to think that we were truly lost. But since it was Armin who was in charge of directing Mikasa which turn to take, I was sure we were on the right track after all. There were hardly any road signs in the area, and I found it a bit odd placing an institution out here. After some time Mikasa pulled onto an even smaller road. A dirt road so narrow, it would be impossible to even pass by an oncoming car.

It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but giant trees surrounding us.

When the trees finally thinned out, a clearing opened up and in the far end, an enormous white house was set on a curved hill. Though house was an understatement. In fact, it looked more like a mansion.

Mikasa pulled to a stop beside the few other parked vehicles, probably belonging to the staff. For a moment, I just sat there staring at the building without moving. I studied the large framed windows, which made up a large part of the exterior. It didn't look new exactly, but not very old either. I'd have to ask Armin later, since he was studying to be an architect.

A thrill suddenly went through me, and in the corner of my eye I saw movement in one of the windows of the top floor. It was like someone had watched me and then disappeared quickly. Scanning over the windows I was sure it was the top right one, so I stared at it for a few heavy seconds. My breath seemed to get caught in my throat, and for a moment I could both feel and hear my quickening heart. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I found myself unable to look away. In my mind I peeled off the layers of the house one by one to see the person within. Who was I looking for?

Confusion mingled with my sudden longing to go inside and search for that person. What was wrong with me?

My brain seemed to rewind itself and then forced me back to reality. Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted this. It was like one of those moments, when life is about to turn in another direction, and you barely manage to hold on. If this was in a good way or not, I didn't know.

"Eren?" I felt a firm hand on my shoulder.

With a jolt I turned around to see Mikasa and Armin eyeing me. Seeing their faces, I made up my mind. They had worn the same concerned expressions for a long time, and I just wanted them to be as they used to, and not worried whenever they saw me.

"Come on, let's go inside," I said and opened the car door.

I barely had the door open before I saw a brown-haired woman marching towards us with a broad, excited grin on her face.

Somehow I immediately knew who she was.

Stopping to a halt before, me she grabbed my hand before I could even make a sound. "You must be Eren Jaeger!" Excitement shone in her brown eyes, which seemed to be enlarged by her spectacles. I faltered where I stood as she grabbed my shoulder with her free hand. "I'm Doctor Hanji Zoe, but please call me Hanji!"

Still reeling over her eager approach, I finally managed to greet her back. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Hanji."

"It's Hanji! We're already friends, aren't we?" She beamed, and almost crushed my shoulder and hand. Then she realized I wasn't the only person present, and I was relieved when she let go of me.

"Oh! You must be Eren's friends!" She skipped over to where Mikasa and Armin stood hand fallen, mirroring my own surprised reaction.

I took the opportunity to glance up towards the window again, but saw nothing. Somehow I felt a bit…disappointed.

Dr. Hanji motioned us to follow her inside the house, and we hurriedly shuffled after her, trying to keep up with her pace.

"That explains all the emoticons," I murmured to Armin, and motioned towards the door where the slightly hyperactive woman had just disappeared in to.

"She seems a bit eccentric, but I'm sure she's professional," Armin said quietly, although he didn't look completely convinced.

Mikasa looked even more troubled and hesitant when we stepped through the door.

I was sure my life had just turned, and whether I liked it or not, I was already in for the ride.


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So, this was chapter one, and it's only the beginning! I have a few more chapters in the making, so please tell me what you think!