AN: this story stars and centers on Kuwabara. Angst. At least that's what I'm aiming for now.
Chapter 1
It was funny. The boy looked almost vulnerable leaning back in his chair with his feet on the small desk. Not that he would ever let anyone see him like that. Drowsy and unaware, no, none would ever see him like that, because when he was like that, he was vulnerable.
The carrot topped boy sat thinking, no contemplating is more like it. His thoughts ran in circles. Occasionally he even made remarks to himself or burst out in a grim laugh or a harsh cry accompanied by tears though he tried hard to keep himself in check. He was ill, as he had always known. Not physically, but his psyche had seemed to disappear quite awhile ago. Not that he missed it, not that he cared, not that he even noticed. It wasn't because he was dumb, as some thought, it's just that, he wanted to forget, he had the power to do so, so he did.
Then all his hard work, all his forgetting had come to an end. Maybe they weren't memories but just dreams. He hoped so. He gagged in his tears. He didn't want to remember. Everything had been so well he thought he might be able to get over it by himself. Yusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Botan, Koenma, Yukina.........team Urameshi, it had been going well. Yusuke and Hiei did insult him but it was his own fault afterall. He had tried to hide his worthlessness from them by substituting it with pride. He knew what they would think if he told them............he trembled. He'd never told anyone, nor was he about to.
Eikichi was curled up in his lap twitching every so often when Kazuma shook or trembled. Eikichi.......he loved that cat. His father wouldn't of liked it-like it, he corrected himself. He would just have to learn to adjust. Surely his father wouldn't......but then his mother and sister were there all the time before and that didn't stop him. It didn't matter, Kazuma could and would take care of himself. He had his spirit power after all. He desperately wanted to ignore the fact that he was the weakest member of team Urameshi. And where did you get your power from? A voice taunted in his head.
A tear splashed onto Eikichi and she stirred. From his father, his power came from his father. He should know more than anyone, after all, his father was the one who had first introduced him to spirit energy. Very painfully too, everything his father taught him was painful. So many lessons, what if he forgot one? Would his father be mad? Kazuma was starting to have a panic attack. He closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing though he could do nothing about the erratic beating of his heart. He felt sick, he could practically feel the cold sweat rolling off him, even though he knew from experience that there was no sweat. After so many years, so much time, if only.......but nothing he could do would stop it, his mother had told him so when she saw the look on his face. His sister was even upset with him for bringing the mood down when they told him.
Tomorrow, he comes tomorrow. How could his mother just take his father back like that over so many years, they hadn't even talked. He idly stood from his desk and placed the now awake Eikichi on his bed. He would need to get someone to take care of Eikichi for him, he'd die before he put her in a shelter or abandonned her. He started ripping pictures and posters off his wall. His father had never allowed them back then and he doubted he would allow them now. His father would be back tomorrow evening and all he had on his mind was how to get out of seeing him, at least for the first day he was here, he wasn't legal to move out yet. Kazuma had very few possessions so it was no trouble to clear out the pictures, all of which had been given to him, he had owned a camera once but it was stolen, then broken. He had saved all his brithday and christmas money for three years for that thing. That's when he had started fighting, he was so scared and when he won he was overwhelmed. His first fight was over that camera.
He wondered if Kurama would let him stay over. He had never stayed there before but.....well, maybe Kurama already had plans. In fact, Yusuke, Hiei and Kurama had probably made plans without him. He didn't blame them. Both Yusuke and Hiei were still mad at him after all. Hiei was always mad at him and he forgot what Yusuke was mad about, probably something involving Keiko.Besides even if he did stay at Kurama's he'd first have to get his phone number from Yusuke, or go up to him after school and ask. Both were suspicious.
I could stay at the park he reasoned with himself. He'd still have to get rid of Eikichi though, he didn't like the sound of that. He figured Eikichi could spend the night with him in the park if it wasn't too cold and then he could just give her away in the morning. And if it was too cold? Maybe he could just wrap Eikichi up in a blanket. The nights were pretty cold this time of year but maybe they could manage.
He and Eikichi could watch the stars together and it's not like he wouldn't see her again, he could visit whomever he gave her too. He didn't want to give her up. He knelt on the floor and brought his eyes level to the sleeping cat on the bed. He reached out to stroke her. What would he do without her? He choked on his tears.
He switched positions and leant against his bed. At least his father wouldn't use her to get to him. Would he use his sister? He remembered that threat, it scared him. Whenever his father even mentioned his sister's or mother's name he considered it a threat. Kazuma did whatever his father wanted then. He hated himself for that.
The boy drew his knees up to his chest and folded his arms across them then rested his head against his knees. Maybe his father would leave him alone? It had been years. Most people wondered why he liked being homely, because if he was ugly then no one would touch him. He thought he was ugly. All the girls he asked out turned him down, he knew they would. He had never asked a girl who he wasn't sure would say no. He liked Yukina though, she was nice. Obliviously he didn't like her and, like everyone else, she didn't like him. They got along though. He got along okay with Keiko he guessed, and Botan too, seeing as she wasn't a normal girl- she was a spirit. It sounded stupid but whenever he got turned down he was satisfied.
Although he did love, he loved his mom, his sister, Eikichi and other animals. He loved cats. He cared about his team and all the rest as much as he cared about his mom and sister, he supposed that was love too. He would die for anyone of them on his list, even Eikichi. Eikichi was probably the one closest to him, he told her everything. He figured she probably didn't understand but that didn't matter.
That feeling, that dirty feeling had come back ever since they told him his father was coming back. No, that was lie, he knew. Whenever he thought about it, his father, his past, he had always felt dirty. He'd always go into the shower and scrub for hours. He'd be all wrinkly and pruned by the time he came out. Once or twice he had scratched so hard that he'd bled. It's over he reminded himself. He noticed with discomfort that he had abandonned his old theory of it happening only inside his mind.
He wanted help. Could he really fight off his father if he tried it again? But if he told, his father had promised to kill him and hurt his sister and mom. He shouldn't believe him, should he? He could protect them, but did he want to take the chance? He remembered that his father was at least as strong as Urameshi. Maybe he was little and just thought his father was strong. He hoped so. He had read in a book once that it was called child abuse. He had been abused in more ways than one and he was no child anymore. And he did believe it was fault. He could have refused, could have tried harder to stop him. Not many people would peg him as a reader. He wanted to know what was happening to him though, he wanted to know what his father was doing to him. He had also remembered wondering why his father never hit him where it could be seen and if he did accidentally, he blamed it on Kazuma's own clumsiness. His father wouldn't have to worry about that now because Kazuma had the reputation of a fighter. Another fight, another bruise.
He wanted to cry, so he did. Infact, he cried himself to sleep.
Eikichi yawned and padded to Kazuma's pillow and wound around his neck, purring.
AN: A strange view on Kazuma Kuwabara I know, but this WILL NOT be a one shot, I love him to death. I had to write a story for him too. I hope at least one person reads this.
