To my readers...

I have decided to write ANOTHER parody of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, except with Transformers. Now read, as the Autobots HURT themselves trying to find a great and powerful artifact, and follow their journey...


On the distant planet of Cybertron, lived a race of beings unlike any other in the universe. They were the dream, the creations of the great and powerful Primus, and the last line of defense on Cybertron, capable of changing their shape to fit any environment. They are... the Go-Bots!

We apologize for that narration. Those responsible have been sacked.

On the distant planet of Cybertron, lived a race of beings unlike any other in the universe. They were the dream, the creations of the great and powerful Primus, and the last line of defense on Cybertron, capable of changing their shape to fit any environment. They are... the Transformers!

and they SUCK!

We apologize for THAT narration. Those responsible for sacking the guys who have just been sacked (GASP) have been sacked.


One early morning, when the fog hadn't died yet, Mirage was busy reading the newspaper, when a trotting noise is heard.

"Huh? What IS that trotting noise?" Mirage said to himself, as he looked around for the source.

He notices something moving in the fog...

A mech appears, in vehicle mode, rolling along. Following him is another, smaller mech, also in vehicle mode, with the exception of his arms, which seem to be clapping something together. Mirage examines them, then takes standard guard procedure.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Mirage yelled, as the mechs stopped and transformed into their robot modes.

The head mech, a larger, more imposing mech with a faceplate and antennae sticking out of his head, steps forward and responded by yelling, "It is I, Optimus, son of Sentinel Prime, from the castle of Camelot. Leader of the Autobots, defeater of the Quintessons, sovereign of all Cybertron!"

"Who is this Optimus chap?" Mirage yelled.

"I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy."

The smaller mech said to his larger ally, "Ironhide."

"We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Autobots who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master." 'Optimus Prime' yelled.

"What, ridden on a horse?" Mirage asked, having seen them in vehicle modes.

"Yep." Optimus responded.

"You're using coconuts!" Mirage yelled, getting a good look at what Ironhide was holding, and putting two and two together.

"What?"

"You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together!" Mirage explained, thinking about quitting sooner or later.

"So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Kaon, through..."

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" Mirage asked, the question scratching the back of his mind.

Optimus, somewhat taken aback, yelled, "We found them."

"Found them? on Cybertron? The coconut's earth-bound!"

"What do you mean?"

"It's not NATIVE!" Mirage yelled, thinking more then usual.

Optimus then responded with, "The swallow may be Earth-bound, yet you see them all the time, since the Second Migration back to Cybertron from Earth. So what if a Coconut is found on Cybertron? It's not like it's unnatural or anything..."

"... What? Are you saying coconuts migrate or something?"

"No!" Optimus yelled, "They could be carried."

"What?" Mirage yelled, "A swallow? carrying a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a question of where he grips it!" Mirage explained, "It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!"

Optimus, now exasperated, yelled, "Like it freaking matters! Will you go and tell your master that Optimus Prime from the court of Camelot is here!"

Mirage thinks a little, then yells, "Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"

"Please!"

"Am I right?"

"I don't care!"

Tracks then took the moment to butt in, yelling that, "It could be carried by an African swallow!"

"Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point." Mirage said to him.

"Oh, yeah, I agree with that."

"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!?!" Optimus yelled.

"But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory." Mirage said,

"Oh yeah... So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway." Tracks responded.

Ironhide and Optimus give up and drive away, Ironhide clapping the coconuts to make the sound of horse trotting.

"Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?" Tracks said.

"Nooo..... They'd have to have it on a line..." Mirage responded.

"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!"

"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Well, why not?"


as A cart passes through the muddy road through a village, sparklings cry, Decepticons wrestle in the mud, A femme (Soundwave in Drag) beats a cat (Ravage).

The cart-master, Decepticon Blackout, chants wearily as they trudge along:

"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

As each Decepticon comes forward with his or her dead relative, they throw them on
the cart. He holds out his hand and they pay.

"Bring out your dead!"

Starscream comes out with a dead-looking Megatron in a nightshirst slung over his
shoulder. He starts to put Megatron on the cart.

Starscream then turns to Blackout and said, "Here's one."

"Ninepence." Blackout said, not caring at all.

"Wait..." A feeble voice speaks.

"What?" Blackout said, surprised.

"Nothing!" Starscream responded, "Here's your ninepence..."

"I still function!" Megatron said, weakly.

"Hey!" Blackout yelled in realization, "He says he's still functioning! He's not dead!"

"Yes he is." Starscream said.

"I'm not!" Megatron responded.

"He isn't." Blackout reassured Starscream.

"Well... he will be soon-- he's got Cosmic Rust." Starscream said.

"I'm getting better!"

"No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment."

"I can't take 'im like that!" Blackout said, stern. "It's against regulations!"

"I won't go on the cart..." Megatron protested.

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Starscream said to Megs."

"I can't take him..." Blackout said again.

"I feel fine!" Megatron added.

"Well, do us a favor..." Starscream pleaded.

"I can't!"

"Can you hang around a couple of minutes?" Starscream insisted, "He won't be long..."

"No, gotta get to The Predacons," Blackout said, "they lost Waspinator again today."

"Well, when's your next round?"

"Thursday."

Megatron ranted, "I will eliminate the Autobots! I am INVINCIBLE!"

"You're not fooling anyone, you know!" Starscream yelled at Megatron, then turned to Blackout. "Look, isn't there something you can do...?"

They both look around, then Blackout deals Megatron a swift blow to the head with his wooden
spoon. Megatron goes limp.

"Ah." Starscream said. "thanks very much."

"Not at all. See you on Thursday!"

"Right! All right...."

Optimus Prime and Ironhide ride through the town and past the Decepticons.

"Who the slag is that then?" Starscream asked.

"I don't know. Must be an Autobot." Blackout said.

"How can YOU tell?"

"He hasn't got shit all over him."


Me: Yo! The Author here. Welcome to the Author's commentary, where I-

(The Door is busted down.)

Megatron: I got killed off!

Optimus: Nobody recognized me!

Ironhide: I was reduced to a follower!

Soundwave: I was a WOMAN!

Ravage: and I was being hurt by him!

Me: Please Review to tell me what you think! GAH!! NOT THERE!