Just something small. Probably a one-shot. Need to work out some stress. You understand. Wrote this at 3 in the morning, so it's REALLY unfocused. Stream of conciousness. Figured I'd give it a try , get the juices flowing

Hello. My name is Fredward Benson. And I am an addict.

To pain. To suffering. To fixing what cannot be broken.

It's an unhealthsome gig, what I do. It's stupid. But it's the kind of stupid I love. It makes me feel alive, gives me a purpose.

Yeah, in the beginning, it was innocent. They needed some one "behind the scenes." I needed to be needed.

I'm still "behind the scenes." Just a different scene. And it's a little less innocent. I gave up getting anything she wasn't willing to give a long time ago. I knew before they did how this would end

Not that it has ended. Far from it, we are still beginning.

Beginning to understand what it all means. Why we're here.

I gave up on making her understand, and I finally understood. What it all means. Why I needed to be needed. Why she was the way she was. Why SHE did what she did.

I wasn't meant for Carly. She wasn't meant for me. I wasn't meant for Sam. She wasn't…. you get the idea.

The hardest part, in the beginning, was hiding this all from Spencer and mom. But Spence was bound to find out sooner or later. We didn't exactly make it too hard to figure out. When he figured it out, he asked why it took so long.

My mother is still convinced I need therapy. She says it's unnatural. I told her that to me, it was the most natural thing in the world. Easy as breathing. So she kicked me out. Yes, my mother gave up trying to change me. That's all the evidence I need that I made the right choice. But not the only evidence presented.

I have to admit, there were some hiccups along the way. What I do has never been easy, but I gladly accept the challenge, and the rewards were too great not to risk losing my old preconceptions about love over.

I know that this may not work in the end. I know that, but I'm not so afraid of losing something that I'm not going to try to have it in the first place.

I have everything I never knew I wanted. And I believe with all my heart that they are happy here. "Here" in this case being more a state of mind, body, and soul than a physical location. Well, I guess there is a physical location involved, too. The Shay apartment, now that Spencer moved out and in with Socko. Except now it's the Benson, Puckett & Shay Home for Lost Children, population 3. Sam's idea of a joke. We aren't really children anymore, and I think we found exactly what we were looking for when we found each other.