Author's Note: I have this story almost complete and will be posting the next chapters fairly quickly. It carries an M rating 'cause things are gonna get steamy eventually!
************
John walked slowly down the hallway. The team was supposed to be gathering in the mess hall for an informal lunch to celebrate Teyla and Torrin returning to Atlantis after having been gone to visit the Athosians for the last six days. To John, it felt like much longer since he had watched them walk through the event horizon and disappear.
Even now, his gut clenched at the thought of the happy little family reunion he envisioned happening as soon as they appeared on the other end of the wormhole that carried them back to Him. In his head, John knew it was irrational and selfish to wish Teyla would stop taking Torrin to see his father, but his heart – and gut – just wouldn't listen to logic.
Every time they left, John felt like a little piece of himself went with them. He had trouble sleeping and spent a lot of time working out in the gym or running to keep his mind off of the fact that Teyla was with Him.
And if he were to admit it, the biggest reason that he hated her going was that he was so afraid that one day she wouldn't return. One day, she was going to decide to take Torrin back to raise him with her people. John knew it was coming and was actually surprised but very, very grateful that it hadn't already happened.
John's jaw clenched as he watched Teyla half-heartedly joining in the conversation around her. Rodney, Jennifer, Radek, and Lorne kept up a fairly steady stream of talk and laughter, but Teyla kept her head mostly down, continuing to spoon pureed fruits and vegetables to Torrin. She hadn't even really looked at John at all since returning and his brow furrowed as he wondered what was bothering her. He was just about to try and broach that subject when Ronon walked up to the table.
"Hey Teyla, Little Man. Good to have you back." Ronon stood right behind Torrin who was sitting in a high chair at the end of the table. Torrin, now nine months old, looked all around and then finally up, in search of the owner of the deep voice. Ronon grinned down at the baby and lightly ruffled his soft hair.
John watched Teyla smile up at Ronon but noticed that the smile never quite made it to her eyes and quickly disappeared off of her face altogether. "Thank you, Ronon. It is good to be back. Now, if you all will excuse me, I think I will try to get Torrin to take a nap."
Teyla rose from her seat and gently lifted Torrin to her hip, then leaned down to gather up the remnants of her half-eaten lunch. John reached across the table and lightly touched her hand. "Hey, I'll um…I'll get that. You've got your hands full with him. I swear he's grown in just the few days since you guys've been gone."
This finally earned him a full blown Teyla-smile and the force of it shot straight to his heart causing that funny little flip-flop feeling that he had come to associate with her alone. "Yes, he is growing and changing so much each day." Again the sadness appeared around the edges of her eyes and she looked away.
To a chorus of good-byes and see you laters, Teyla and Torrin departed the mess hall. John watched until they turned a corner out of sight. He was still staring at the door when Ronon's form suddenly blocked his view as the big man turned Teyla's vacated chair backwards and straddled it, facing John across the table.
At Ronon's knowing look, John scowled and returned to his food, keeping his head down. He wasn't in the mood for any of Ronon's teasing in regards to his feelings for Teyla. John had tried to convince Ronon that he felt nothing for Teyla beyond tremendous respect and close friendship but the perceptive Satedan wasn't fooled.
It wasn't that Ronon had anything in particular against Kanaan, or Him, as John referred to Torrin's biological father, but he had seen the difference in the way that Teyla looked at Kanaan versus the way she looked at John. There was no denying that she cared for Kanaan, but it seemed to be a bland, easy friendship, born of knowing each other their entire lives. Even in their mutual grief of losing family and friends to the Wraith, she and Kanaan had not bonded as closely as had Teyla and John.
Only after Jennifer, Radek, and Lorne left to return to their respective job duties, did Ronon speak. "She looked tired. Did she say if something happened during her stay with her people?"
John shook his head. "No, she just said it was a good visit but that's all. It seems like every time she goes there though, she comes back even more upset, and it takes longer and longer for her to get over it."
"Kanaan is pressuring her to move there." The words were thrown out in Rodney's typical super-quick way of talking and he looked guilty the instant he said it. As Ronon and John stared at him, he shrugged. "What? She uh…she talked to Jennifer about it the last time she came back from a visit and Jennifer told…me."
"Then why didn't you tell us, Rodney?" John said through gritted teeth and glared until the scientist flinched. Ronon also shot Rodney a dirty look but NOT, the Satedan told himself, because of Rodney mentioning his relationship with Jennifer. No, that didn't bother Ronon at all – or at least not so much anymore. Not since a certain very pretty 'gate technician with kickboxing skills had claimed his attention.
Rodney again flashed a guilty look. "Well, I thought that if she wanted everyone to know, then she would have mentioned it herself. It wasn't my place to tell." At this, Rodney paused and tried to look indignant but failed miserably. Sighing, he finally muttered. "Okay, okay, I just didn't want to tell you guys – I was hoping she would."
"Well, she didn't!" exclaimed John hotly. He shoved his food away, having now lost his appetite. "I knew this would happen – that she would eventually take Torrin and go live with Him." John's disgust was evident.
Ronon eyed his friend speculatively. "And yet, she's still here – on Atlantis, isn't she? You ever wonder why that is?"
John glanced up but was unable to maintain Ronon's stare. "No – I don't wonder why that is!" he said a little peevishly.
"Well maybe you should!" Ronon was practically glaring at John now.
"What are you getting at, Ronon? It's her life – her choice. If she wants to leave, there's nothing I can do about it!"
"You could give her a reason to stay." Ronon said quietly but emphatically and then rose, shoving his chair away, and leaving the mess hall.
John just watched Ronon's retreat with a shocked look on his face. He turned to Rodney. "What was that all about? How can I give her any reason to stay on Atlantis?"
Rodney stared back at him open-mouthed. "Are you purposely being dense?"
John's eyes widened in surprise. "What the hell's that supposed to mean, McKay?"
Rodney shook his head almost sadly and frowned. He lowered his voice and leaned towards John. "Look, I know you're going to get mad at me but I'm just going to say this anyway." He took a deep breath and continued. "You feel so damn much for her that it scares the crap out of you. And I'm pretty sure she feels the same way about you. She's conflicted and confused and if you don't tell her how you feel…you're going to lose her."
With that little speech, Rodney rose to leave as well. John remained seated at the table, looking down at his hands, his chest heaving slightly. Feeling bad for him, Rodney lingered a moment. "I…I'm sorry, John. It's just that I see you and Teyla both fighting so hard to not let it show how you feel about each other, but the truth is – it does show. I'm not sure why it scares you so much but it scares her too. Go talk to her, John. Go talk to her…before it's too late."
Rodney had only taken a few steps when John's voice quiet voice stopped him. "I can't be what she needs."
Turning back to him, Rodney quirked an eyebrow and replied "You should ask her what she thinks about that."
John remained in the mess hall for a little while longer, contemplating what Rodney had said. Were his feelings for Teyla so obvious to everyone? That thought made John extremely uncomfortable. He was the military leader of this expedition and everyone looked to him for guidance and stability. He couldn't let his emotions get in the way of his duty.
But did that mean he had to deny himself a chance at happiness – at love? Finally, sitting in that damned uncomfortable chair in the mess hall, surrounded by discarded food trays, John admitted it to himself – he loved her. He loved Teyla and couldn't imagine his life without her in it – didn't want to imagine it. But did she really feel the same way? And if she did, then why had she chosen to be with Him – to have a baby with Him?
Still muddled, John wandered towards the gym. He found Ronon there, attempting to beat the stuffing out of a large punching bag.
"You imagining my face on that thing?" John asked casually.
Ronon just grunted and continued punching for several minutes. Finally, he stopped and looked over at John, breathing heavily. "It's good for gettin' your frustrations out. You should try it. I'm sure you have a face to put on it."
John smirked. "Yeah, I can think of one."
Then John's face fell and he sat down heavily on a bench. "That's the thing, Ronon. She's tied to Him. I mean, don't get me wrong, Torrin's great and I wouldn't have him gone for anything, but she chose to be with Him…and have a baby with Him."
Ronon's voice rumbled. "Yeah, she was with somebody else. You're really going to hold that against her after you've been with how many other women since you got to Atlantis? And you know as well as I do that she didn't intend to get pregnant."
"But that's just it – there's a child involved now. That changes things – a lot. Torrin might have been an accident, but he's very real, Ronon. And it can really screw a kid up not to have his father around."
"And it could be pretty great to have two fathers that really care about you too" Ronon said quietly.
The big man continued, looking intensely at John. "Look, if she really wanted to be with Him, she'd be there right now. Those are her people. She was their leader and she gave that up to come live here. At first it was so she could make a difference in fighting the Wraith. But now – now that she's got a kid to raise, what do you think keeps her here?" He raised an eyebrow at John, challenging him to come up with an answer to that question.
John just stared at him, dumb-founded. "You think she's here because of me? And even if she is, how am I supposed to live with the guilt of keeping her away from her people – of keeping Torrin away from his father?"
"As you pointed out, John – it's her choice to make. You should give her a chance to make that choice. Tell her how you feel."
John stared out through the large windows and spoke quietly. "What if I let her down, Ronon? I tried long-term once and I sucked at it – big time. If I screw this up, I'll lose her friendship – and likely yours and Rodney's too!"
"So don't screw it up."
John glanced over at him, mildly irritated. "Easy for you to say. This is a big deal! I mean, she's on my team and she has a kid by somebody else. And we risk our lives on a regular basis. What if something happens to her? How do I live with that after having been with her?"
Ronon's voice was gruff with restrained emotion. "Hurts like hell. But it'd hurt more if you didn't have the memories of being with her to keep you sane. And if something did happen to her, wouldn't you want her to have known how you felt about her?"
John looked over at Ronon again and saw that his friend's jaw was clenched and his hands were knotted into fists. "I'm sorry, Ronon. I didn't think…" And he hadn't thought – thought about how Ronon had lost his love in a Wraith attack and how devastating that must have been for him.
Ronon shook it off. "It was a long time ago. And yeah, it still hurts, but like I said, it'd hurt more if I hadn't told her I loved her, if I hadn't shown her, and if I didn't know for sure that she loved me back. I wouldn't change a thing about our time together. Can you say the same for you and Teyla?"
John shook his head slowly. "No…no I can't."
"Don't let your fear cause you to have regrets."
One corner of John's mouth turned up. "How'd you go from Chewbacca to Obi-Wan?" Ronon just looked at him confused.
John chuckled lightly. "Never mind." He sat there a while longer, lost in his own thoughts, and then finally spoke again. "Guess I'll go knock on Teyla's door. I've got some things to talk to her about – at the urging of couple of nosy friends."
Ronon just grinned at him in response. He watched John slowly exit the gym then he hung his head and briefly let the grief of losing Melena wash over him again. He sat like that until he heard someone quietly enter the gym.
Looking up, Ronon's eyes met those of Amelia Banks, who smiled warmly at him. He felt his heart open again – just a little, and knew that Melena would be happy that he was finally able to deal with her death and go on with his life.
