Attack of the Sue
A/N: Let's bash some Mary Sues! :D
hii guyz! dis is ma frist stry, kay? so be nice ;))
Once upon a time there was a girl named Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick. But everyone called her Jewel. (Don't ask why.) Jewel was very beautiful. She had beautiful red hair past her waist that glistened gold in the sunlight. She had beautiful eyes that changed colour from purple to blue to green to silver. She had a beautiful body and wore beautiful clothes and a beautiful voice that could tame the fiercest beasts.
One day, Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick was ambushed by some Cyclonians in her home terra called Terra Facepalm. Terra Facepalm was a magical place with a huge, Atmos-shattering secret, and Jewel was the secret keeper, as her family had always been. (Thinking about her family made her want to cry.)
"Tell us the secret!" the Cyclonians roared. They took out their crystal staffs and zapped her with them. Jewel was injured and she fell. But she was brave. "i wil never tel u nything!" she said. Realising that Jewel was really beautiful, the Cyclonians lowered their weapons.
"You're very beautiful," one of them to her.
"I kno" she said. "evn if i dnt use propar grammer"
"Especially because you don't use proper grammar. Will you be my girlfriend?" said the other Cyclonian.
"no!" Jewel shrieked.
Angry and humiliated, the Cyclonians raised their weapons again to kill her.
Then out of nowhere (because that's how things worked in Terra Facepalm) a huge airship, the Condor, came up on the horizon and blasted the poop out of the Cyclonians. The Cyclonians ran away screaming, with the heroic and amazingly superbly awesomely original line, "WE'LL BE BACK!"
The Condor landed and this super hot sexy beast Sky Knight with red hair and green eyes stepped off it with his strange little blue weasel. Then this ugly know-it-all girl came behind him, followed with a stupid looking rhino-man and a stupider looking blonde boy. Then a creepy, smelly green lizard thing also came and twitched for no reason.
"My name is Aerrow!" said the red-headed sexy beast. "I have come to save you."
"cool m Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick bt u cn call me Jewel cuz m that purty."
"YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL!" shouted the stupid blonde boy. He came up to her and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Y doz evry1 ask dat? No! I wont!"
Then the ugly girl's eyes widened. "Aerrow, guys, back away! I know what she is! She's a Mary Sue. Fabled to ruin everyone's lives and be the bane of fan fiction! There are so many in the canon universe as well! Bella Swan from Twilight, Piper McLean from Heroes of Olympus—"
"You look hurt," said the sexy beast Aerrow. His green eyes glimmered like emeralds in the sea of purple prose. "Come to the Condor. We will take care of you."
"Yes, we will!" said the stupid blonde boy. "My name is Finn, the Finnster, the Finn-Man!"
The green lizard guy twitched again. "Piper, what do we do? I've heard that these…Mary Sues…can lead to…doom."
"Only to the sexy main male characters," Piper responded grimly.
"And to the readers of fan fiction, plus the canon—"
"I know, Stork, thank you."
So they took Jewel to the Condor and fixed her up and she whined and whined and whined about being in lot of pain and then said that she was fine and she could deal with anything. Because that's the way, ah-ha, ah-ha, she likes this way, ah-ha, ah-ha. (And it was so NOT attention seeking behavior, by the way.) The blue weasel came up to her and decided that she was awesome, along with Junko and Finn and Aerrow.
Only Piper and Stork remained unconvinced because they were too badass to fall for Mary Sues. (Unless it was a Stork/OC fic, obviously).
Suddenly, Jewel started crying. "Those Cyclonians wer vry scary n i cudnt do nything 2 protet maself! wht wud ma mothr hav said? O i mis ma mothr"
"What happened to her, my darling cherry-pie?" cooed Aerrow as he cradled her.
"Cyclonis killd hr whn i ws rly small n ma dad hd nvr been thr 4 me n i hav no1! No1 luvs me!"
"I love you," Finn said seriously.
"I love you too," said Aerrow.
"I love you the most!" said Junko.
And they started fighting amongst themselves to get the girl while Radarr gave running commentary. ("Chirp, chirp…CHIRP! CHIRP! RWAR! CHIRP!")
Stork, meanwhile, looked at Piper seriously. "We're so dead. So very, very dead."
Piper groaned. "Let's get them to stop fighting." And so Piper punched the poop out of Aerrow, Finn and Junko (what? She's awesome, okay?) and then looked disdainfully at Jewel. "Get off our ship, Mary Sue!"
Jewel burst into tears again. "No1 luvs me! m so sad!" She was so beautiful that even when she was crying, with snot running down her nose and her hair askew and her eyes red, she could have totally won the Miss Universe contest.
"My love, please don't cry," Aerrow declared. "Let me kiss those tears away." And they started to make out.
When they broke for air, Jewel said, "i hav a teribel secrte"
"What is it?" Aerrow said.
And so, with the room full of people she did not know, she told her big secret.
"i m teh secret keepr of Terra Facepalm!"
Everyone in the room gasped like it was a really bad courtroom drama. Piper jumped to her feet. "What's the secret?"
"its abt hw atmos ws created n hw to destry teh cyclonans"
"THE ULTIMATE SECRET!" screamed Piper. "Atmos' biggest mystery!"
With shock and horror, Stork realised that his only sane-minded ally had been warped by the Mary Sue.
"teh secrte iss…!"
OMG, liekk, WAT a cliffy! Constructive critik totaaly welcom kay! no flamez, pls. Thanks! ;))
A/N: By the time I was done, my poor spell-check was so confused…I think I'm going to let it rest its poor tired head. XD Two-shot, so the next one should be up as soon as I know where to take this story.
