Chapter 1: The Morning After

Goyle woke up with a deep guttural groan and felt the crusty remnants of sleep scratching at his eyes. He tried to slowly come to consciousness but startled awake to find himself eye to eye with some kind of inflatable human with a very large "O" shaped mouth.

"Aargh! Merlin! What the fuck?! Blaise? Theo? BLAISE? I'm stuck! Help! Help! I'm stuck!" Goyle screamed, he also discovered his favourite appendage was somehow glued to the doll like 'thing'.

Blaise, who had been face-down barely a metre from Goyle slowly raised his head and assessed the mayhem surrounding him.

They were lying on what appeared to be the floor of an opulent muggle hotel. Once opulent may have been a better choice of words as what Blaise saw made him gasp as his eyes shot wide in horror.

The plush cream carpet was strewn with bottles of alcohol in varying degrees of emptiness. To his right a gaudy pink feather bower was draped over what was left of a large leather armchair that had been torn to pieces. Lying precariously on its side in front of him was an ornate chandelier that had had its crystal adornments replaced with a rainbow of dildos ranging in sizes. Shredded black silk bedding was tossed around the room as well as pieces of lacy muggle lingerie. What was cause for alarm, however, was the rather large sleeping Lion lying in front of the fireplace adorned in a Slytherin scarf.

Oh, and the intricate mahogany king sized bed stuck to the ceiling.

"Goyle, mate", Blaise whispered, "I need you to very slowly and quietly move over to that door which I'm assuming is the en-suite". Thankfully the door was located behind them at a short distance because they were clearly fucked.

Goyle very slowly pushed down on the dolls head to see the situation for himself. Unfortunately, the inflatable doll made a loud squeaking sound that activated an audio component and it started moaning "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" Rather boisterously. The lion jolted awake and quickly readied itself to leap over the fallen chandelier.

"Run!" Yelled Blaise, and the two men legged it to the door behind them, wrenched it open and gracelessly tumbled inside.

"Shit, shit, shit! Where's our fucking wands?" Goyle said, whilst looking around the white marble bathroom from the floor. Blaise stood, shaking, and almost cried in relief when he spotted their wands floating on top of what appeared to be a beer filled, claw footed bathtub against the far wall. He strode over and snatched them up, quickly casting a locking and silencing charm on the door.

"Right, right. Just give me a minute; we need to think about what happened last night. We're in a muggle hotel. There's a sodding lion and...wait...what the!?", Blaise glanced at his appearance in the gold gilded mirror next to him and frowned. He was dressed head to toe in a muggle magician Halloween costume complete with a thin Edwardian styled mustache and a fake wand jutting out of a red glittery waistcoat. Hanging from his left wrist was a pair of fluffy leopard print hand cuffs and a bunch of fake flowers was bulging out of the pocket in his shiny synthetic pants. Blaise closed his eyes for a moment and took some deep breaths; he tried to remember the events that lead to their current situation.

Goyle, meanwhile, quickly vanished the blow up doll and grabbed the black monogrammed bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. He turned and slid down the tiled wall to his right taking his head in his hands. It was a moment before he spoke again, the residual glue from the doll still flaking on his skin. He absently picked at it and turned to Blaise.

"Granger, map, strip club." He blurted out.

Blaise's eyes narrowed and he stared at his friend on the floor.

"Granger", he growled.