This story has been lingering in my brain for a minute, so I decided I would go ahead and get it out. It's inspired by a Jill Scott song entitled, "Lighthouse." If you haven't heard it, I encourage you to go give it a listen. The concept is also couple with a recent interview of Duff's where he briefs us with the idea that Flynn will get hurt in the back 8, and that will give us a glimpse in his mind frame and with the BTS shot that was released with the announcement with the order of the extra 5.
As usual I don't own these amazing characters, I am just taking them on a ride! They will be returned to the Duffster!
Thank you to The BAMDAMMMsters for all of their brainstorming help! Without them this would not be possible!
Mind you it is going to be slight AU.
Here we go! Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~ERSL21~~~~~~~~~
I know, oh
I know
That look on your face
Says you're going through some things
And for sure
Maybe for sure
I'm here
Mmm hmm here for you baby
Yes
Whatever it is
Trouble is deep
I can see by your eyes
They're heavy to me
Talk to me baby –Jill Scott
The air between us has been shifting lately. He still loves me and he shows it constantly, but something is eating away at him. I have tried to let him come to me with it, but he has yet to make the move. I can see it in his eyes. He is going through something, but he is too afraid to share it with me. His unwillingness to do so, has me questioning us, but I know it's deeper than that. I know it's something in regards to his health and future as police officer, but he won't say anything. But today, everything changed, he was injured on the job and it scared me. Not just scared me as his girlfriend, but scared me also as his boss. I love that man to fault, but I can't be kept in the dark for much longer. I need to know what is going on. Over the last few weeks, he has been volunteering to stay back in the murder room and do whatever needs to be handled rather than going in the field with Provenza or Sykes. At first I thought it was his slick little way to spend more time with me, so I didn't allow it the first few times. Once, I started seeing it occur more often and I noticed Provenza wasn't griping about it, I realized it had to have something to do with his doctor's appointment that he claimed everything was ok at. I gauged the topic of it a few times on our dates, but he always said "It was nothing." I even brought the topic up after we made love one night, knowing that I usually get the unfiltered truth when we are in the mix of unbridled passion, but I got the same response. Today, was my final straw. I need answers and I need them now:
"Andy, can you come to my office please?" I say as I walk past his desk back to my office.
"Sure, Captain." He says as he follows.
"Close the door, let's talk." I swiftly say.
"Captain, is something wrong?" He asks as his tone is wavering in unsureness.
"I'm not sure, Andy." I rasp sitting down at my desk and clasping my hands in front of me.
"I'm not sure I am following." He confesses.
"Right. First, this is Sharon and Andy talking, not Captain and the Lieutenant. I know I try to steer away from personal conversations at work, but with what has transpired here today, it needs to happen and the sooner the better." I breathe as I feel my eyes stinging, as I try to force myself to hold tears back.
"Sharon, look don't cry. I am ok. It was just…" He starts as he walks behind my desk. I hold my hand up to stop him.
"Andy, I'm tired of hearing 'I'm ok' or 'I'm fine,' I have been hearing those same old tried lies for the last 3 weeks, something has got to give and we are going to get to the bottom of this tonight. So, dinner at Doomie's is cancelled. We will be having dinner at my place at 7 and then we will talk and you will be 100% transparent with me or we will have to do some serious reorganizing of our relationship." I exhale as I stand up and look him in the eyes.
He looks at me flabbergasted at my honesty for a moment and then he rasps, "I will bring your favorite wine." He turns around to head to the door and I grab his arm and whisper, "Thank you."
He lifts my chin and says, "You are welcome." With that he turns around and heads out the door.
That was 3 hours ago and now here we are sitting on my couch. He is babysitting his usual cranberry soda, while my glass of wine is still full.
"Andy? Say something please?" I demand all but gently, as I tuck my legs under my body as I scoot closer to him.
"Sharon, look this hard for me." He breathes barely audible.
"I can tell. Trouble is deep and I can see it in your eyes, and I want to be here for you, but you have to let me be." I say as I run my hand over the top of his back, as his head has fallen into his palms.
"It's not that simple for me, to say this." He confesses as I feel him tense up beneath my hand.
"Andy, look at me." I breathe. He refuses. "Andy, I said look at me!" I forcefully rasp. He jerks his head to my raised voice. I can see that he is ready to let that wall crumble, but I have to push him some more.
"You will not shut me out, now! We have come too far! You don't let me shut you out, and I will not let you do the same! Understood?" I say lowering my octave, gazing into his misting chocolate orbs.
"Sharon, I don't know how to put this." He confesses.
"Just start out with a small part, we have all night." I assure him.
"Well…" He starts but then stalls, "Andy, you can do this." I reassure him as I grab hold of his hand.
"The doctor says that I need to think about retiring sooner rather than later." He finally confesses as his head falls back down to gaze at the floor.
"Ok. Why is that?" I inquire.
"Due to my last test results, coming back not so well." He whispers.
"What did they say?" I ask as I feel his squeeze on my hand become tighter.
"That I am in the highest percentile to have a stroke in the near future, due to the demands of the job." He whispers. I release a gasp, unable to hold it back. He looks over and me and I notice a tear has fallen. "This is why I didn't want to tell you. I don't want you to feel sad." He mumbles.
"Andy, sweetheart, I am going to be sad regardless, but I would be devastated if you had stroke. So, you will retire, right?" I breathe as I feel the tears stinging my eyes.
He goes silent and his gaze drops back to the floor. I have had enough of the silent treatment, so I get up and sit on the coffee table in front of him and force my knees between his clasped hands, and lift his face to mine, "You will retire, right?" I ask again.
"I'm scared." He confesses. Then it finally dawns on me like one of Oprah's "Aha moments," he is afraid of retiring because this all he has known for the better part of 30 years. When he lost his wife and kids he threw himself into his career and for the most part, it has been successful.
"I understand." I whisper as I run my thumb over his lip.
"Sharon, this is all that I know. What am I going to do? You know as well as I do, that I don't do well with idle time." He mumbles.
"You will figure it out. Spend time with the kids and grandsons. Go to as many Dodger's games as you can stand! Learn a new hobby or finish that damn backyard grill area that you have been working on for over a year!" I state, earning a chuckle from him.
"What about you and the team, Sharon?" He inquires.
"We will be fine. We can find a new member for the squad. But I'd rather do it because you heeded your doctor's advice, rather than you being forcibly retired due to a stroke or worse your death. We would never cope with that loss!" I toss out as the tears begin to steadily flow.
"Hey, beautiful don't cry!" He says as he cups my chin and pulls my face closer.
"Andy, do you not realize that this is the moment in which you need to be selfish? I know you love looking out for others, but this won't end in a good way. You must take care of yourself first and that's the only option. Either you will retire under your own recognizance, or as your commanding officer who will see your physical exam results, you will be forcibly retired!" I rasp as I wipe my tears away.
He falls silent for a moment, and then I see his eyes light up, like he wants to ask me a question, but he is unsure of my answer.
"What?" I inquire.
"Would you do it with me?" He asks.
My mouth falls agape and I sit straight up. I am unsure how to answer that question. Sure I would love to retire but I love my career and I love what I do for the city. But I love him too. But I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness for him? Do I want to hold that burden of regret over his head for the rest of our lives? I'm not ready to retire, but I love him almost to my detriment. Is he serious?
"Umm, are you serious?" I ask unsure if I am prepared for his response. As I brace myself for his answer, he leans over to me and whispers in my ear, "as serious as a stroke."
He pulls back and we exchange a silent response.
I look away from him and I stand up and walk towards the balcony door and gaze out into the city for a moment. I can feel his eyes burning a hole in my back. I turn around and head back to the table to sit, or so he thinks. I make my way to stand between his legs and place my hands on his shoulders and look down at him and rasp, "Yes, but…"
{TBC}
~~~~~~~~~~ERSL21~~~~~~~~~
Go ahead and leave me some nuggets (reviews) of love! If you feel inclined that is, but be forewarned that is only way my muse will feel inclined to complete the story. Sorry, she can be a bit of a brat!
