Armin looked into the sunset and sighed.

It had been three years since Shrek had died. The coconut-headed soldier felt a salty watery tear fall down his cheek. Somewhere, Jean could be heard calling him a little bitch.

Armin looked up into the sky. He prayed to Jesus Christ himself to bring back the one he loved the most. After waiting a good thirty minutes just staring at the fucking sky, Armin decided he didn't believe in Jesus Christ himself and went inside. Jean called him a little bitch again.

The next morning, Armin woke up to a large commotion going on around the house... cabin... fucking whatever building they're in.

"What's going on?" he asked Mikasa.

"I don't fucking know but this homeless guy came and said he was looking for you."

Armin pushed his way through the crowd and he couldn't believe his yaoi eyes.

It was Jesus Fucking Christ.

"Holy shit, is it really you, Jesus Christ?" Armin asked.

"You fuckin' know it bitchboi. Now come with me. I'm bringing ur bae back."

"what the fuck does that even mean, Jesus."

"Shut the fuck up and hop on my back you douchebag."

"alright."

So Armin hopped onto Jesus's back and Jesus took off into a sprint. Like, he just fucking took off. Look at him go. His dad is so proud. #1 track star Jesus Christ.

As Armin and Jesus ran through the grassy plains, there were fucking titans just everywhere. Like, literally everywhere. One of them was chasing them but Jesus was a #1 track star and ran faster. Armin turned around and flipped off the titan. Fuck that guy, seriously.

Finally, they arrived at the old building where Armin last saw his beloved Shrek.

Jesus put Armin down and walked over to where Shrek's gross as fuck guts had fallen three years ago.

"Aight, so I need like, 2 minutes. Just chill the fuck out over there or something." Jesus pointed to a rubble pile and Armin walked over there. His asshole whistled a little bit. Jesus pretended not to notice.

Armin looked around and started to cry. He remembered all the good times he and Shrek had together there. There was a lot of anal.

Meanwhile, Jesus Christ was working his miracle magic and he punched the ground where Shrek's gross body was. The ground started to glow and a very soft, acoustic version of Smashmouth's "Rockstar" started to play.

Shrek began to ascend from the fiery depths of hell. As he came out of the ground, the music got louder and louder. By the time he was fully out and back on Earth, the music was deafening. Then, it stopped altogether.

Armin started crying like a little fucking bitch. Jesus did the Will Smith pose towards Shrek.

"Ta-da, I've answered your prayers! Believe in me now, fucker?" Jesus Christ did some jazz hands.

"I can't believe it's really you, Shrek! I missed you so much!" Armin ran over and hugged Shrek.

"Aye, I missed ye too, my little onion." Shrek looked at Armin. "Guess I can't call ye little anymore, eh? You got taller."

Armin blushed and buried his face into Shrek's chest. Shrek grabbed Armin's face and fucking macked on that blonde boy like no tomorrow.

"Alright, that's fucking gross. I'm outta here. Seeya." Jesus evaporated and became part of the holy water cycle. Evaporation Condensation Precipitation. Reduce Reuse and Recycle.

Armin pulled away from Shrek's chapped as fuck lips to breathe.

"I missed you so much, Shrek."

"I missed ye too." Shrek suddenly got very close to Armin's face. "Too bad I made a deal with the devil and now I gotta kill ye."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Shrek?"

"I made a deal with Satan. He's my new little onion. So long, fuckboi."

Shrek grabbed Armin and just fucking ate him. He ate him. Shrek ate Armin.

Then Shrek took off at a sprint towards Armin's home camp.

Everyone died.

Shrek is back. Shrek is life. Shrek is all Satan needs.