The noble house of Black was an ancient, rotting place filled with secret, underground cult members. The members were very different, but had the common goal of uniting and convincing everyone else in their world that there was a manic, murderous, evil wizard running around trying to kill everyone. Some of the members were a part of a family so large and crazy, it was a wonder that only one of them turned to the dark side. Another member was a deranged, escaped serial killer who had never killed another person, and yet another had a magical eye, gravelly pirate voice, and a peg leg, yet no parrot to be seen.

One of the younger residents was not allowed to join the phoenix death cult, but was pivotal in the war they were fighting as the baby who killed Voldemort, and was then slandered as a teenager for claiming that the evil menace was resurrected. With messy black hair and vivid green eyes, he was hailed as "The-Boy-Who-Lived". Like, is living a crime or something? Anyways, the child's name was Harry Potter.

In an alternate dimension full of Alchemists and with much less segregation than that of the racist wizards and non-magical humans, the country of Amestris had just defeated an evil, omnipotent being who swallowed God and had lived for thousands of years, killing people and splitting pieces of his artificial soul into children (psychopathic adults) named after the seven deadly sins, who also were now dead.

Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, was almost happy. His brother had sacrificed himself for his right arm so that Ed could transmute and punch a bastard with a God-complex in the face. He was happy about his arm, but his cat-loving brother being "dead" was not pleasing.

Ed picked up a metal pipe and started to scratch the concrete plaza with it, sketching a circle. He knew it wasn't perfect, but he had studied so much about Alchemy, he could fix the inconsistencies and use himself as a circle blueprint to transmute.

As the Alchemical genius filled in the shapes and symbols, random people who had helped fight the war asked what he was doing. "This is the Fullmetal Alchemist's last transmutation!" Ed proclaimed. People gasped, some called out "No, Ed!" and such drivel, but Ed would not be distracted. He would save his brother!

He clapped his newly-restored palm to his strong, muscular left palm, an injury through his bicep still trickling blood. A brilliant blue flash overtook everything he could see, and suddenly he was in a white space, with no color except for him and a skeletal boy sitting on the floor in front of an enormous gate.

"Alphonse!" He called to his beloved brother.

"Brother!" Alphonse replied.

"Alphonse!"

"Brother!" Al attempted to get to his feet.

"Al!" Ed finished closing the gap between them and helped Al up.

"Brother!" Al started into Ed's eyes, as gold as his own.

"Al!" Ed stared right back, ignoring his sibling's nudity.

"Brother!" Alphonse embraced Edward, smiling softly.

"No Goddamn Incest!" Ed yelled, startling Alphonse, who he gently supported. "Now where is that bastard Truth?"

"I'm right here, Mr. Al-chem-ist." The entity known as the World, God, Truth, etc, stared at Edward and Alphonse, frowning when they stopped their show of brotherly love.

"I'm here to return Al and myself to the world!"

"Nope!"

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU GODDAMN GOD?!" Ed roared at Truth.

"I thought you didn't believe in God?"

"I don't, that's just one of your names!"

"Anyways, Mr. Al-Chem-Ist, I am going to cut you a deal!" Truth said, his grin restored to its disturbing glory on his face.

"Excuse me?" Alphonse shyly spoke, and coughed his poor, unused throat. "Can we finish up? I want pie!"

"Right, right." Truth calmed. "Mr. Al-chem-ist, I will be sending you to another dimension to guard a boy who is alive in a world of Magic where you can use Alchemy and when you save his life then you can return to your brother, who will be in your world with allll of your little friends. What do you say?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN A PINT-SIZED, MIDGET PIPSQUEAK WHO COULD'NT BE SEEN BY A MICROSCOPE, YOU INFERNAL DEITY WHO HAS RUINED MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A FUCKING KID?!" Ed exploded, dropping Al, who caught himself and did a ninja backflip in his newly-restored body. "Oh, and to answer your question, Hell No, I'm going to give up my gate for Al and go home."

Truth frowned, paused, then said, "They have the best pie in the Omniverse."

"Hell, yeah, I'm in!" Ed grinned with Truth. "Bye, Al! Tell Mustang 'See ya, suckah!'"

"Bye, Ed!" Al called as weird hands pulled him into a gate full of eyes. "Bring home some pie with you!"

"Let's go, pack it up, Mr. Al-chem-ist! Into a world of magic!"

Back in the other boring universe that didn't just defeat a God, a group of children was sitting around a table, staring at an empty pack of exploding snap cards. One child was the famous Harry Potter, and he was sitting with his best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, who don't really matter. One of Ron's siblings, Ginny, was sitting with them, none prepared for the utter stupidity that was to come.

"I wish something fun would happen!" Ron yelled.

"NOOOOOO! Don't wish anything!" Sirius Black, Molly Weasley, Mad-Eye Moody, and various other Order of the Phoenix members cried as they rushed inside the room.

"Why not?" Harry asked hotly, his previously dull green eyes flaring to life. "Will wishing something resurrect a dark wizard out to kill me that you will decide isn't important enough for me to join your death- er, anti-death-cult cult aligned against said dark wizard who is, might I remind you, trying to KILL ME?!"

"Of course not, don't be ridiculous, kid," said Mad-Eye, his magic pirate eye swirling noticeably. "We-"

"Snivellus," Sirius broke in, "made some Felix Felicis, and he turned it into air somehow, and now for the next five minutes whatever we want will happen."

"So I can join your death cult?" Harry asked excitedly.

"No," Mrs. Weasley said, "not even luck can help you there, Harry-dear."

"So I can marry Harry?" Ginny said, and everyone ignored her. "... So someone can acknowledge my existence?"

It was at that moment that a giant blue glowing circle appeared over their heads, and a blonde chick fell to the ground with a crash, right on top of Ginny. Pushing herself to her feet and brushing herself off, she glanced around.

"Who the fuck are you supposed to be?" The chick was not a chick. His voice was high, yet masculine, and his hair was in a manly ponytail. He wore black clothes like a preteen goth wannabe, which was simply impossible with his hair like spun gold and his eyes molten and so deep you could drown in those pools of angst. His right arm was twig-like and looked like a deflated balloon in comparison to the rest of his very toned, very MALE body. This was EDWARD ELRIC, THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!

"I'm HARRY POTTER, the important guy with the tragic backstory!" Harry said angrily. Who was this handsome hunk of BADASS to take away 'the HP's' spotlight?!

"I'm Ed, but you may also address me as 'Overlord' or 'Master,'" Ed said with finality. "Some bastard calling himself 'Truth' and 'God' and 'World' and crap like that sent me to be Potter's stalker- I mean, bodyguard. Yeah, that sounds about right."

"So let me get this straight," Mad-Eye said, hobbling over to Ed on his peg-leg for maximum pitiable pirate effect. "You were sent on a mission from God to be this child's stalker?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"God sent you to stalk this boy."

"Yes, we have established this, Moody," Sirius said, scratching his ass.

"You were sent by God-"

"For the love of God, shut up, crackhead!" Ed yelled at the man while Sirius tried to get his tongue to lick his nose. "I don't even believe in God!"

"But you just said that God-"

"Yes, God sent me!" Ed yelled.

Moody was twitching, his eye zooming every direction and eventually settled on Ed's left leg. "By, God, boy, your leg-!"

"YES, by motherfucking God, you shit-brained cyclops!" Ed said angrily. He suddenly calmed and said, "I believe this is the time where I am obligated to faint." So, in the name of convenient plot devices, Ed's eyes rolled back into his head, and slumped away into a dead faint, knocking into Ginny and sending her sprawling as well.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Cried Ginny, and was promptly ignored, as usual.

"...Should we just leave him on the floor?" Hermione said, looking at Edward.

Before anyone could act on her words, the twins, who had been uncharacteristically silent because the author forgot that she put them in the room, hauled him off their sister, promptly marched over the big-boobed girl, ignoring her mewls of pain, and stood in the doorway, maneuvering Ed between them.

"We're going to take-" The twins began, but were immediately cut off by the adults still in the room.

"Maybe if GOD wills it!" Moody burst into maniacal laughter.

"Come along, dearie," Mrs. Weasly led Moody, whose hysterical fit had devolved into sobs, from the room."

"If there is a God, why do people die?!"

"I suppose that he's just cruel, dear..."

"Well, that was a thing," said Hermione.

"Shut up, woman," said Ron.

"Woo Hoo, go me! GOD sent me a bodyguard! I'm totally gonna wreck Voldy-shorts' ass!" Harry said.

Ron and Hermione stared at their erstwhile friend.

"What even was this?" Hermione muttered.

The End?


A/N (edited 1.8.19) - Yeah, I went back and looked at this again, and it was shit, so I changed some things because they were in poor taste, and just all over bad. It's still not perfect, but I fixed as much as I could, and I think it's a stronger Crack Fic overall now, so please enjoy the revised version!