Alabaster fingers shook, held above crossed legs that were dressed in soft white cotton. Bleached white, the comforter was just another shade of the same. Gray eyes, the only truly colorful things in the room, stared blankly at the hands as they shook. Tight shoulders seemed to hold the world; regardless of how frail they were, covered in the same soft white cotton.

A shaky breath moved the shoulders in a drastic motion that seemed to startle the boy, his gray eyes going wide in surprise of his own movements. There were few things that could surprise the fourteen year old, but he'd been placed in one of the most startling situations he'd ever had to manage, and the simple rebellion that his body showed was much easier to concentrate on than the tears that pricked at the edges of his stormy eyes.

Mello has won. Near thought. It never mattered how smart I was, he would always win out in the end. It was inevitable.

These thoughts were despondent, vague, and cold, but not because the boy did not feel the despair that came with them. Instead, he was all too aware of the pain he was supposed to be feeling. There were too many thoughts in his mind, too many contingency plans and expectations, and too much confusion. He had had the title in his grasp, had had a place in the world, and the only thing that had stood in his way was himself.

He had no one to blame but his own small frame and ice cold heart.

"Happy Birthday." He whispered to himself, finally letting the tear fall. He checked that the door was locked first, of course, but then he let himself go. There was no point in holding himself in check anymore, other than the fact that he'd been doing it for so long. It was a part of him now, a part of who he was and he couldn't stop.

It was his birthday though, and that meant that he was allowed to feel. On this one single day out of the whole year he could lock himself away for the entire day and do as he pleased with his emotions. It was the one day he was guaranteed to be left alone to contemplate his life. But only after his yearly visit with L.

L.

World's Greatest Detective.

Mello. Not Me.

The top three Whammy's students, whoever they may be at the time, were given the chance to speak to L, once a year, on their birthday. It was a privilege that all the other children envied, regardless of whether they wanted to be the next greatest detective or not, and a privilege that Near had held his entire time at Whammy's. No matter who held second or third, Near would always be first.

Because if anyone could help Near, it would be L.

The tears started to trickle down the soft, pale slopes of Near's cheeks as he realized that after all this time, L would not help him, would not notice that he needed help. No one saw, no one looked, they only understood his white mask, never looking for more. Even L, the most intelligent man on earth, had not truly understood.

He had tried to help of course, that very day he had tried to assist Near in his constant inner battle, but he hadn't caught the one piece of the puzzle that meant the most. It didn't matter that L saw through his facade of emotionlessness, if he couldn't understand the cage around Nears heart that made it impossible to ask for help.

Drawing both his knees up to his forehead, Near started to sob, startled hiccups interspersed with angry tears as he realized that there was no one who could help him. If the smartest man in the world couldn't see it, no one would. Near's sobs grew stronger as he remembered that moment not twenty minutes ago, when he thought L had finally solved his problems, only to realize that the title of World's Greatest Detective didn't extend to helping the children who wished to exceed him.

"Near, another year older." L said, focused more on the Oreo grasped in between his finger and thumb than the boy who'd opted to sit on the floor rather than the couch provided. "Fourteen, yes?"

"Yes." Near replied blankly, not expecting this visit to last more than ten minutes. The others never had, regardless of how much time he actually wished to spend there.

"Your studies are still improving." L told him, his tongue sticking out to one side as he tried to pry the Oreo apart with only his pointer fingers and thumbs. His eyes lit up as he succeeded, all of the crème staying on one of the cookies, the other left bare. "Ah ha!"

Near stayed silent. There were no questions directed at him, and he had nothing to ask in return. L, an enigma to the world, had slowly become just another genius to Near in the past 120 minutes he'd spent with the man. Ten minutes each year, and Near knew more than the rest of the world could wish to learn about his role model.

"I do have one problem with your education." L informed him, half an Oreo cookie sticking out of his mouth. "And your lack of ability to grasp the material concerns me greatly."

"Oh?" Near asked, not wanting to say more. He'd kept ahead of everyone else in their studies, and even added some of his own. There was nothing for L to be concerned about, perhaps this was a test?

"Emotional Attachments." L informed him, promptly scraping the crème off the rest of the cookie with his rather dexterous tongue. Near stayed silent. There was no such class, emotions weren't part of any of the curriculum offered at Whammy's, and Near could find nothing about it in the library. He had looked. But if L insisted that Near was failing a class, who was Near to correct the man who solved three cases simultaneously while only looking at a bowl of ice cream?

"Near?" L asked, the last of his cookie set aside as he looked the aspiring detective in the eye. Near looked back, neither curious nor any other emotion, not revealing his surprise at L's complete disregard for the remains of his cookie. He simply stared back. "Would you like help in this subject?"

And that question killed all of Near's hope in one blow. Mello would have been jealous of how much that question killed Near, if he had known.

"I have been reviewing a case that made me realize what a hindrance it can be to ignore emotional attachments, a case that I ought to have taken more seriously." L continued, mumbling around the last of the cookie that he'd remembered. "Now, I realize I have been remiss in my beliefs that emotions cannot be useful in a case, and I've realized that my successor cannot be without feelings. Unfortunately, this leaves me with a problem."

"Oh?" Near asked again, only half as interested as he had been before.

"Unless you learn emotions, I cannot accept you as my successor." L said bluntly, the sugar coating of his words disappearing with the last vestiges of his Oreo, washed away with strawberry milk.

L continued to prattle on, but Near was no longer listening. L had almost found the piece that was missing within Near, and he'd only managed to lodge it deeper into the fourteen year old's psyche. The one thing that Near could not do, no matter what the circumstance, was ask for help.

From the very first memory he had, when he was three and L was looking down at him, promising to protect him from whatever nightmare had left Near an orphan, all he could remember was a wall that separated him from the joy he knew he ought to be feeling. The ringpop in his mouth was too sweet, too over-stimulating for his mind as he tried to climb that wall, to reach out towards the black haired man with intelligent eyes.

He hadn't moved though. His body refused to reach, even as his mind begged to touch that silky black hair, to be held in a comforting hug, to show the relief he felt at being rescued. His body would not respond to his emotions, and his overstimulated mind was trying to understand and keep up with the situation.

He couldn't remember anything before that, but his past didn't matter. All that mattered was that as he was lead towards a hospital bed at three years old, his eyes catching notice of every little thing that everyone else was doing, he realized how much easier it was to allow everyone to assume what he was feeling instead of explaining it to them.

How could he explain how he felt, when he couldn't climb the wall that separated him from his emotions?

Now, as he stared at the pink line of milk that ran along L's top lip, moving up and down as he spoke before being licked away by a strong and determined pink tongue, he was moments away from getting the help he knew he needed, and he couldn't do it.

His body froze against his will, his voice refused to beg L to help, his eyes only reflected the same intelligence that he'd been met with at three. He was on L's level, mentally, but emotionally he could not react. L, who was so smart that he could see Near needed help, was not smart enough to realize that Near could not ask for it, could not accept it on his own. He needed someone to force it upon him, and even then he wasn't sure it would work.

"So, either you learn to express yourself, or you are out of the competition and this is the last time I will be allowed to see you." L finished, a strawberry balanced on his finger, his eyes no longer on Near. It wouldn't have mattered anyways, as Near could not react to this either.

Sitting in silence for three minutes as L concentrated solely on his food, Near could no longer take it. Standing, he slipped quietly out of the room, his inability to answer deciding his fate for him. He would no longer be allowed to compete for the position he desired the most, because no one could see how much help he needed. Mello would win.

Near was not crying because he had lost the position, no matter how much that hurt as well. He would go on to do a great many things that L would not, and he would exceed anyone who tried to outdo him. No, he cried because there was no helping him. If there was a possibility that someone could see his reactions, he would not be able to react. He never would.

It wasn't only the wall that kept him from his emotions anymore. It was L's inability to help despite all his intelligence, and Near's own tenacious pride that were also to blame. The only thing he could do was take advantage of his sanctuary; a room filled with white, and release his emotions alone, on the day of his birth. Once the day was over, his privacy would not be guaranteed by the caregivers in the orphanage and he would have to wait another year to consider releasing everything he felt.

"Near! Why the fuck did that take so long?" Mello's voice called, full of contempt as he opened the suddenly unlocked door. Near, wide gray eyes moist with tears that were frozen in shock, did the only thing he could think of. He pulled his blanket over him as fast as he could to hide from the monster that hid under his bed and lived in his closet and haunted his childhood.

Shivering, he wiped the tears away with the edge of his blanket, trying to assume a semblance of normalcy before Mello attacked. He knew there would be red rings around his eyes, but he could explain those away if he absolutely must, or simply refuse to react, but if Mello saw tears there would be no going back.

It was too late for that, regardless.

"Near?" Mello's voice was unsteady, the same tone he used when Roger took away his chocolate once, as a punishment for scaring the younger children. Near froze, trying to make it look like he were asleep, or maybe not even there at all. Mello's rather soft footsteps informed him that his ploy had not worked or that Mello didn't care that he was asleep.

The blanket began to be removed, but was quickly dropped with a sharp squeal. Near refused to emerge from his soft white hiding place, and only waited in fear for the reaction to what he had just done. It was undignified, something Near would never have normally done, something that only a scared and cornered animal would do.

"The fuck?" Mello shouted. "Did you just bite me?"

"Mello is delusional." Near mumbled from under his sheltering white fort. "I would never do something as inane as that. I imagine Mello would taste quite terrible. "

That was untrue. Mello oddly tasted of vanilla, with a hint of earth.

"Tell that to my bleeding hand!" Mello shouted at him. Near did not react, but if he could have, he would have rolled his eyes at the other boy's dramatics. Instead, he stayed on his back under the covers, mildly wondering if Mello would get bored soon, and how long it would take him to leave. There was only an eight percent chance he would leave Near alone though, after his hand had mysteriously been bitten.

Near's thoughts were interrupted once again as his blanket suddenly disappears, and a covering of leather and yellow hair is used to replace it. Immediately, his body goes numb and he blanks his face, praying that it won't end up black and blue by the end of this encounter. The fire in Mello's eyes increases as Near fails to react in any normal way, and Near mentally flinches.

"Oh, no you don't!" Mello says, in a rather quiet voice. For Mello, that is.

"You're right." Near replies, his mind quickly providing him with the escape he needs. What else would give him space and freedom from Mello, other than the one thing the chocolate addict craved? "I don't. I don't get to be World's Greatest Detective. Congratulations, Mello. You have won."

To give Mello credit, he didn't release Near from his grasp. He did, however, widen his eyes in surprise, let his mouth drop, pause for a moment, and then grin before becoming confused once again. This was the reason Mello would be World's Greatest Detective, and Near would be left alone in his white room with no one but himself to blame for his failures.

"Says who?" Mello asked, pushing back down on Near, but not enough to ensure bruises would form. Near blinked.

"L, of course." He replied monotonously, wishing his hands were free to mess with his hair. If there was one thing Mello had done in his active chase to discover whatever secret Near had hidden under his blanket, it was to calm Near himself. "Your ability to express emotion has ensured that you are now number one, and I am no longer eligible for participation in this particular race. How did you get into my room? I locked the door."

"I've been practicing my lock picking skills." Mello shrugged the question off, more interested in the previous subject. "Why aren't you eligible anymore?"

"Will Mello get off of me if I tell him the truth?" Near asked.

"Um. Sure." Mello said, only just then seeming to realize that he was straddling the smaller boy, holding his arms down in a gentle but determined grip. He didn't let go.

"I wasn't paying much attention." Near admitted. "But I believe the point that L was trying to make was that my inability to show emotion made me unloveable, and that I could not be a proper detective unless I had someone to fight for. Apparently love is the deciding factor in every choice in life."

Mello finally released him, sitting back on his heels, the bed pushed down under his weight. By the time Near had sat up, gotten the blanket off of himself, placed his legs where he prefered them, and reached his hand into his hair, Mello had had yet another emotional epiphany.

"L is wrong." Mello whispered. Near blinked.

"L is wrong?" Near repeated. Mello blinked.

"L is wrong!" Mello shouted triumphantly, looking Near dead in the eye.

"L is never wrong." Near denied, looking right back.

"L. Is. Wrong." Mello said in a defiant tone, leaving nothing for question. Near still had questions regardless.

"Explain your reasoning, what is your proof?" Near demanded softly, still twirling his hair. Inside his head, he wasn't sure what to think, what to do, or what he should feel. Mello, the only other person who worshiped L as much as Near, was committing the cardinal sin.

"He says that to be a good detective, you have to be able to love and be loved, correct?" Mello asked, fishing a bar of chocolate out of his leather vest. Near would be concerned about getting chocolate on his white blankets, but knew that Mello would never waste a drop of his addiction on something as mundane as a stain, even if it were to irritate the albino.

"Correct."

"He also said that you can't be a detective, because no one loves you, and you don't love anyone, correct?"

"Essentially." Near replied, and then paused Mello's epiphany to check facts. "Why does Mello want L to be wrong? Would it not be easier just to win?"

"I wouldn't truly be winning though." Mello insisted. "L's faulty logic would be ruining our competition. Love was never part of it, it was always intelligence, deduction, and drive. No one can compete for a position based on emotions, they're subjective."

"So, Mello wants me to love?" Near asked, the word feeling foreign on his tongue despite saying it only minutes before. "Mello wants me to be number one again?"

"No, of course not!" Mello scoffed. "Obviously I want to be number one. I can't say I've earned the title though, if you drop out because L decides you aren't qualified based on asinine things."

"But, L already said I had to advance my emotions." Near tried to explain. This was always the hardest, explaining things in a way that others would understand. Near didn't think like others, and it made life that much harder because of it. "I can't."

"Who says?" Mello asked again.

"Me, Mello, L, the universe." Near replied ambiguously.

"Well, I've changed my mind, the universe can go fuck itself, and you don't get a say." Mello replied. "I guess that leaves L himself, and we have a secret weapon against him."

"We do?" Near asked, his eye moving around, wondering if he'll spot an evidence bag that would stun and defeat L. There was no such thing, as the only things that would give L pause were a table full of chocolate fountains, or news that the universe's sugar supply was stolen.

Rather than explain, Mello leaned in, rolling onto the pads of his feet and getting right into Near's personal bubble. Near would have flinched, if he could have. As it was, he only watched blankly as Mello braced himself with a hand pressed against the wall behind Near, the other tan hand settling on a white clad knee. This was why Near refused to allow people near, because he would freeze up, unable to control his actions or defend himself. If someone touched him, he froze, so it was best to avoid the situation altogether.

"There is one thing that is greater than L's intelligence." Mello informed him, still looking directly into his flat, emotionless eyes. Near didn't raise his eyebrows, or quirk his lips, or ask any audible or discernable question, but Mello seemed to take his silence as permission to continue. "We are greater than L."

"We are not greater than L, L is the World's Greatest." Near blurted, not able to form any coherent reactions with Mello only inches away from his face. "Mello is not greater, nor am I."

"You're right." Mello conceded, as though that were the whole point he had been making. "But together, we surpass him by three hundred percent."

"Mello's calculations are extremely skewed." Near told him, knowing quite well that even if they worked together to surpass L, their bickering would eventually lead them to destruction. Mello obviously hadn't added that into the equation. "Mello's emotions are affecting his logic."

"Exactly!" Mello exclaimed. "That is exactly my point!"

"I don't follow." Near breathed, trying not to let the smell of chocolate and vanilla affect him. It didn't matter if he had though, his body wouldn't have moved away regardless. Mello leaned back though, much to Near's relief, and sighed exasperatedly. He paused for a minute, staring at Near, obviously trying to find a way to explain his thoughts. This was why they fought so much, because their minds worked so differently that it was almost impossible to actually communicate.

"Let's try this." Mello finally said, slowly, as though he wanted to be sure Near followed. Near's eyes focused on him, waiting patiently for Mello to continue. "I cannot be number one unless I beat you in a fair fight. You cannot participate in our battle unless L sees you as a proper competitor. In order for that to happen, you have to have someone love you, and you have to love them, correct?"

"We have already established these facts." Near told him flatly, watching as Mello covered up his remaining half a bar of chocolate carefully. The blonde boy's shoulders tensed a bit, but he didn't react like he normally would have when confronted with Near's bland disregard for his opinion. He only took calming breaths as Near continued. "Mello has yet to prove his point. How does Mello believe I can learn emotions? How does Mello expect to help me and defeat me at the same time? How does he expect us to surpass L if we can't even work together?"

"Mello has a secret weapon." Mello said calmly, although Near got the distinct feeling he was being mocked regardless. Mello never used third person pronouns, especially not on himself. "I am more stubborn than anyone else, I will succeed. If I have to take you to the top along with me, then so be it. "

If Near's eyes could have widened in surprise, they would have. As it was, he started twirling his fingers through his hair as he thought, wondering when he'd stopped in the first place. Had it been when Mello declared L incorrect? Had it been when Mello had moved into Near's space, or when he had leaned back again? It didn't matter much, after all, so Near moved on to more important thoughts.

Mello had declared himself the most stubborn person in the world, and Near could not deny this claim. Mello's stubborn streak ran a mile wide, and it was the biggest reason that Near doubted the boy could help. If Mello had decided to turn that stubbornness away from beating Near, and began using it to work with him instead, then Mello's calculations were correct and Near was the one who's math was falling behind.

"If Mello refuses to allow me to lose, then we must work together." Near realized. "In that case, we are greater than L by three hundred percent."

"There ya go!" Mello exclaimed, his eyes lighting up and his blonde hair swishing around in triumph. He was bouncing on his heals by then, making the bed rock as he moved. Near could see his muscle aching to start moving again, not used to sitting down for long periods of time like Near was. He did pause his movements though when his hand hit the wall, and he frowned at it before looking Near in the eyes again. "No more biting me though, you got that?"

"Mello was bitten?" Near asked, feigning ignorance. This was the natural course of their relationship, and if Mello wanted it to change, he would have a lot of work to do. Near couldn't change, couldn't show the hope he was supposed to be feeling. Who better to teach him how to access his emotions on a regular basis, other than than the one person who emoted more than anyone else? If Mello had the patience, Near was willing to try.

"Uh huh." Mello muttered, taking in the small albino in front of him and seeming to ignore Near's complete disregard for his pain. He had the look on his face that told Near he was working out a problem in his mind, a look that Near had become accustomed to seeing, especially when they competed for test scores.

Near let him sit there and think for a moment, taking in the details of the older boy's movements and committing them to memory just as he did with everything else. He was awed, as always, by the way that Mello could stay in the exact same spot and seem to move all at once. The way his hands fidgeted, and the way his eyes narrowed and shifted as though he were looking at something no one else could see, and the way his hair swished around with the smallest movement of the air all pointed to movement, but he never strayed from his spot.

Finally his eyes widened as he came to the solution for whatever problem eluded him, and he clapped his hands together in a way that Near had seen many times before. Whatever the question had been, Mello now knew the answer without a doubt in his mind. He looked up at Near, his bright eyes not startled in the least that Near had been watching him. Instead, he seemed pleased, a reaction that Near had never encountered when it came to Mello.

"Are you ready to beat L?" Mello asked, leaning forwards again, but not quite as close as before. His cross came out of his leather vest, dangling between them and swinging back and forth as he waited for an answer. Near's eyes centered on that small, detailed cross, finding it easier to concentrate on the metalwork rather than the question he had been presented. This would be their most difficult block, and Near feared that Mello would come to the same conclusions that L had, and then give up when Near refused the help.

He wanted to feel though, desperately wanted Mello to help him find someone to love. He wanted, more than anything, to be number one again. He'd deluded himself into thinking that becoming number one was all about getting L's help, but now that L could not, would not, help, he had to admit to himself that he wanted to win. In order to win, he would have to rely on Mello, and in order for Mello to help he would need to know the problem.

"Not really." Near admitted, twisting his hair. "I don't think I can love."

"Didn't we just go over this?" Mello asked, sitting back again. He was less irritated than he normally would have been, and it was a surprise to Near that the boy could exude so much patience with him. He'd never done so in the past. "I'll teach you. We'll find someone for you, and I'll teach you."

"There is a riddle that must be solved before we can begin." Near told him, hoping that vague statements would lead his new partner to realize the problem. The albino's inability to connect with his emotions, his non-reaction to everything around him, and his refusal to seek help kept him from telling Mello the problem, but he hoped the blonde was smart enough to figure it out on his own. Otherwise, the entire afternoon was for naught.

"Ah, what riddle?" Mello asked, not even bothering to become upset that Near was throwing up another road block. Mello's reactions confused Near to no end, but he decided not to 'Look a gift horse in the mouth' as it were, and just continue with his predicament.

"The riddle is me, the solution is you. The answer is opposites and what do they do? If I were you, and you were me, what exactly would you not be?"

"That's it?" Mello asked. "Do I get any hints?"

"I can't." Near tells him, both as an explanation for why we must do this in riddles and also an extra hint towards the answer. The smaller boy hoped his companion would catch it instead of listening to the words at face value. Mello nods, staring out the window at the setting sun as he mulls the riddle over in his head, muttering the two words he'd been given, asuaging Near's concern.

"I can't. I can't. I can't." He mutters over and over again using different inflections. Finally he turns from the darkening window towards the motionless Near and sighs. "This is going to be more difficult than I'd imagined, won't it?"

"Indeed." Near replies, a small yawn involuntarily escaping from his mouth. Mello's own mouth turned to a soft and uncharacteristic smile, his frustration gone. He stood from the bed and headed towards the door without a word, and Near's first emotion in front of another person appeared to connect in his brain. Mello's back was turned, and Near's mask was in place, but the fact that he'd felt anything at all shocked him so much that he almost didn't hear Mello's parting whisper.

"I'll think it over tonight, and let you know what I've come up with in the morning." Mello said, crushing all the disappointment that had filled Near, leaving nothing in it's place. For now, there was nothing to worry about, but there was nothing to hope for either. For now, everything was up to Mello.