Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, as if that isn't at all obvious. Also, I hereby claim no responsibility if you fall out of your seat in pain rather than in laughter over the humor presented here. Read this fic at your own risk.
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Chapter One: Attack on the Bed Liner
The world shook.
"Jus' five more minutes, Mum," a large man mumbled as he covered his head with a depressingly threadbare pillow. His feet hung over the end of the bed and his wide shoulders barely fit on the frame. The others accused him of being a giant; he accused them of giving him a bed that was too small on purpose. Still, a bed was a bed and after hours of tinkering with Republic equipment and teaching the droids how to swear, it was a place to rest his weary head.
But seeing as the ship this man found himself on was under attack, there's little time to describe his current sleeping situation.
As the Bed Liner shook again, this giant of a man was thrown to the floor, cursing his mummy the entire way down. It wasn't until he managed to open his eyes and shake his mind from its juma juice murk that he realized he wasn't at home. Perhaps that was a good thing as a grown man should not be talking to his mother with such language.
Climbing to his feet, he lifted a brow at the other man in his cabin.
"What're you doin' here," he accused.
"I slept here, too."
This giant of a man held his head in confusion. "Just how much did I drink last night anyway?"
"Eh…?" The little man threw the giant an odd look before pointing at a bed on the other side of the room. With a voice fit for a field mouse, he continued, "I slept there just in case you're thinking of something else."
"Why the past tense?"
"Because I don't think we'll be doing much more sleeping in here. The name's Ulcer, Tictac Ulcer. We worked opposite shifts."
The giant shook his head, ready to clock the man a good one. However, rational thought quickly took over and he sighed. "The name fits."
"Fits what?"
"How much you annoy me and how uncreative the author is."
"Author?"
"Nevermind."
As we are now into the story, it might be helpful to mention that the giant did indeed have a name and that it was Thane Sunrider, Alcohol Consumer of Lore and the Conquerer of Virginity. However, since that title is a rather long one, Thane tends to go with his given name, unless otherwise asked, of course.
The two men looked at each other for a moment before they turned their gazes elsewhere, clearing their throats in that way men do when they're caught staring at another man.
"So, what do we do now?" Thane asked, stroking his perfectly tended roguish growth of stubble.
"We're under attack," Ulcer said, indicating a rather large ship through the nearest viewport.
"So we are." Thane started to turn towards the door. "I'll be seeing you—"
"We need to save the Jedi." Tictac said, grabbing Thane's wrist as the other man prepared to take off.
"And you expect me to help out with this little rescue mission? Jedi are more than capable of taking care of themselves. I'm sure they don't need or want our help."
A stand off ensued that ended with both men once again clearing their throats. Thane did not like this little man in the least and seeing as he hated narration, he decided to speak his mind.
"Look, I'm just a humble smuggler pulling a fast one on the Republic. They wanted information that I had and I wanted the booze and credits they had, not to mention the rights to a certain inconsequential bounty on my head. I plan on booking it out of here as soon as we reach Coruscant." He paused and glanced around as if looking for something. "Is this a bad holovid or did I just reveal my master plan?"
"You just revealed your master plan. Now get dressed and grab a weapon."
"Pardon?"
"If you don't I'll rat you out to the Republic." Tictac stood with his arms folded over his chest, looking as menacing as a mouse.
"That's adult of you."
"You're welcome, now get moving."
Tictac crossed the room and threatened to open the door before Thane was properly dressed. Rolling his eyes and thinking of the many nasty ways he could crush this little mouse of a man, Thane picked up the biggest sword he could find as if compensating for something and swung it gallantly through the air.
"I have absolutely no idea how to use this thing yet I feel strangely compelled to pick it over a blaster," he said without knowing why. Thane shook his head, holding the sword at the ready even though Tictac hadn't opened the door yet.
"Need a quick lesson?"
"Depends on what you have to teach me."
Tictac shrugged. "See the sharp end?"
"Yeah?"
"Stick that into the other guy."
"Thanks for the tip," Thane said, rolling his eyes, again, those thoughts of killing this Tictac coming back to mind. "Let's get this over with since it seems as if we have no choice but to face armored soldiers in nothing but clothing."
"Ready?"
"Did you miss what I just said? Besides, this stance is becoming rather painful." As if the illustrate his point, Thane Sunrider, yadda yadda yadda, shrugged his shoulders to loosen the very large muscles; muscles no ordinary smuggler should have. Though he had no recollection as to how he became so well muscled, Thane wasn't one to complain. The Jedi Do It Better tattoo on his forearm, however, did confuse him quite a bit.
"You're sure you're ready?" Tictac asked.
"Just open the damn door!" Thane said, his thoughts turning from the tattoo for a moment before going back to it. Him? A Jedi? What a laugh. He must have gotten it to impress the ladies.
Tictac gave him one last look before hitting the button. Relieved to finally be moving, Thane was met with the sight of…a very empty hallway. Running—not walking—forward, he skidded around a corner and ran smack dab into a large group of Sith soldiers. With a mind to turn around and hightail it back to his suddenly comfortably small bed, Thane simply blinked. The Sith did too, holding up their blasters and not shooting.
When he did make the move to attack, Thane took a single step before pausing in midair for a very brief moment.
"You know, I have been in a fight before," he yelled at nobody in particular, frightening the Sith and Tictac alike. Hell, he frightened himself with the sudden outburst to nobody. However, it seemed to give him an advantage. Slashing wildly as he tried to figure out the sword, Thane was mildly amused to see a helmeted head go flying through the air, followed by a comic jet of blood that would result in a mature rating.
Hacking his way through the boring narration (not to mention the horde of Sith soldiers), Thane came to a door that was twitching and sputtering like an architecture student on a caffeine high.
"That one's broken."
"Thank you for the brilliant observation, professor."
"You're welcome." Tictac smiled like an idiot before pointing down the opposite hallway. "We have to go that way."
"Okay."
"I'm serious!" Tictac exclaimed.
Thane blinked, not following the little man. "What?"
"Nothing."
"Riiight." Thane drawled. "Let's get a move on, then."
Tictac frowned before heading off at a run. With a great, the-galaxy-hates-me sigh, Thane followed Tictac, his breath coming at a perfectly normal rate despite all of their running and battling. He really was a magnificent specimen despite the worrisome tattoo, if he did say so himself.
Growling at the fact that somebody wasn't doing a very good job of flattering him, Thane nearly squished Tictac between himself and a closed door. Issuing a series of imaginative curses involving a rancor and Tictac's mother from his perfect lips, Thane brushed aside a lock of magnificent cocoa coloured hair before he bothered asking Tictac what was wrong, happy that things were starting to go his way.
Tictac pointed down the hall at a partially opened door. Through the opening, the upper half of a Jedi corpse could be seen. "There's a Sith Lord over there who killed a Jedi."
"I can see that. And this concerns us, how?"
"I need to go stop him to give you time to find the escape pods."
"Sounds like a plan."
"You aren't going to stop me? Not even a little? Not even any remorse or advice?"
"Eh, good luck?" Thane said, glancing at his watch. He didn't have time for this.
"That was heartfelt."
"Hey, you're the sacrificial lamb of a minor character and I have a galaxy to save. Can't bother myself with people trying to be heroic for me. If I did, I'd have to find a couple of more hours to tack onto the end of a standard day." Tictac gave Thane a doubtful look, the Sith Lord behind them being very patient as the two men finished up their conversation.
"What can I say?" Thane said, puffing up his chest. "I'm a popular guy."
"Sure."
"Don't you have a Sith Lord to tend to?"
"Oh…yeah…"
"Well, get to it then. Don't let me hold you back." Just as Tictac turned to look at the Sith, Thane gave him a little push in that direction, scowling at the injustice of it all. After all, he wasn't a horrible person, just one who believed in self-preservation.
"I'll see you later, Tictac."
Before the other man could even respond, Thane dashed off, his long legs carrying him through the ship that turned out to be a very poorly designed maze rather than anything else. How was he supposed to find his way around here?
Just as this question surfaced in his mind, the device he had earlier slipped onto his wrist started to beep. Halting midstride and standing still, his breath coming normally, Thane tilted his head to one side as he hit a button. The image of a put upon man—one Garth Omen—appeared on the small screen. He seemed to be typing in the thin air.
"Yee-up?" Thane drawled.
"I've been tracking your movements through the Life Support Systems—"
"That's a little creepy."
"—and it pains me to inform you that we, we are the only living beings on board."
"Does your story have a point?"
"The Bed Liner, the lovely, lonely Bed Liner, is about to explode into a million forlorn pieces; pieces just like those of my broken heart."
Honestly, did everyone have to be an idiot or insane? First that kook of cabinmate and now this wannabe country-western star Republic soldier. When would it end? Honestly. Thane's question wasn't a rhetorical one.
"I suspect you want me to join you at the escape pods?"
"That would be preferable, but even then…"
"Then I'll see you there," Thane said as he ended the transmission. He wasn't in the mood to hear this man's life story. Besides, he was sure he would hear it on the way to the planet, God forbid. Maybe there would be a stash of juma juice in the escape pod.
Frowning, Thane continued his running and battling as he continued to get lost in the ship. Turning around several times and wondering where the hell he was going, he seemed to happen upon the escape pods on accident. Glancing at this Garth Omen (a man of similar height but with a sad look in his eye and a twang to his voice) Thane dove into the escape pod, briefly considering leaving Garth to his own devices. However, remembering that he wasn't a horrible man, he impatiently waited for Garth to join him in the very small vessel. This was going to be a very long ride indeed.
