Author's Note: Hello, and thank you for clicking on my story! This is a slightly different style than most of my works, and to be honest, I was a little nervous about posting it, as it has adult themes. But a good friend of mine reminded me that you don't get better at something without trying something new. I really want to grow as a writer. Thanks so much for your friendship and support, moomieluv, in this and all my writing endeavors! 3
Without further ado, please enjoy!
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The rain hammering on the barn roof was nearly deafening. I knew the weather was supposed to get as bad as it was yesterday, but I had hoped that it would have held off for another hour or so. I guess that's the way it goes sometimes – life throwing you curveballs and all. Yesterday was definitely proof of that. I swiftly pushed my way through the puddles and noticed a leather gauntlet resting atop one of the fence posts. It looked like the local falconer was feeling comfortable enough to be leaving his things behind and I wondered how Gray felt about that.
I wondered how Gray felt about a lot of things.
Tucking the glove under one arm, I continued my trudge and threw open the barn doors. The rain was still a bit loud, but it was nothing compared to the pounding in my chest.
"H-hey… man." I hated how stilted and forced it sounded.
The gap between Cliffgard's feeding trough and the bill of Gray's hat revealed a blue eye that gave off an emotion I couldn't read.
Well, that was nothing new.
He averted his eyes. "Your hat…"
My gaze drifted upward and I remembered that in the downpour, I had flipped the bill forward to see better. He was probably noting that it was backwards from the way I typically wore it. "Ah." I took the hat off of my head and fussed with the gauntlet in my hands. "So, uh… looks like Cliff left this behind…" Gray had focused his attention back on the feed he was distributing. I felt my brow furrow; surely feeding a horse wasn't that demanding of a task. "Y'know… when he was hanging out with Ann the other day."
He turned toward me, and I felt a mild wave of guilt for stooping so low to get his attention. "Thought it was a dead cat."
I wasn't sure if he was referring to the glove or its owner.
Setting the arm wear and my hat on the edge of one of the feeding troughs, I took a few steps in his direction. The spilled feed was still on the floor in the same place as yesterday: against the edge of a vacant stall. The footprints from my boots were still there, a small clearing where my feet had struggled to grip the floor as my knees had gone weak.
I was grateful for the heavy rain last afternoon. Besides watering my crops, it had drowned out a lot of noise.
I tore my eyes from the footprints and Gray quickly ducked his head, his ears red.
"So… are we gonna talk about this or not?" My voice quavered and cracked at the end despite my hope to sound more assertive.
He rubbed the back of his neck, struggling to meet my face. He was a few inches taller than me, but in that moment, he looked so small. This was such a huge difference from yesterday's behavior.
It had started with me simply helping out with chores around the barn. That's the way it had been between us for the past couple of seasons. If one of us came to visit and the other was working, we'd help to finish the chores. We never really chatted much, but neither of us were that talkative to begin with. The sack of feed I was carrying was heavy and I had accidentally bumped into him when I was holding it. His reaction had been anything but angry…
That afternoon I had learned when Gray said he was good with his hands, he wasn't lying.
I lost track of how much time we spent together, but at the sound of Zack's delivery carriage squeaking to a stop, time stood still and we froze. Gray snapped to action and I was brought back to reality as he handed me my overall straps and I swiftly redressed. There was a moment of silent confusion as our eyes met. It was broken when we shared a secret grin. Without thinking, I grabbed him by the shoulders and pressed my mouth against his. His lips tasted like sweat, as was to be expected, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Now, that was a surprise.
To be honest, I didn't know what was supposed to happen next between us. Don't people usually express love or at least affection or interest before something like that happens? It wasn't as if we had talked about our feelings while we were in the heat of the moment, but it had definitely helped get rid of some pent-up frustration I had been feeling lately. Frustration from what, I'm not sure. I mean, I've never really thought of the possibility of being part of a couple with anyone. Girls never interested me in school, and the goals in my future had never included someone by my side. While grandma said every pot has a lid, I figured I was just born a skillet. I figured I'd live on the ranch, and maybe after Doug retired, Gray and Ann would be interested in joining the properties together. The three of us were hard workers, and I thought it sounded like a good arrangement. If Ann and Cliff ended up getting serious, I'd just ask Gray if he wanted to move in with me. No big deal…
It was supposed to rain again, and I thought it would be a good time to visit him again, as I knew he was probably doing the same chores as yesterday. I could feel a tingle run down my spine as I looked at my footprints; perhaps hoping for a complete repeat of yesterday's events was indeed selfish…
"I don't know what you want me to say." He was watching me with interest, and his deep voice pulled me from my memories.
"Well, I-I guess you could say what you're feeling, for starters." I hoped I didn't sound too pushy, and I still couldn't fight the tremor in my voice.
He gave me a shrug. "I… I dunno," he admitted. "H-how about you?"
I don't know why this came as such a shock that the question would be turned over to me. I tucked my hands into my pockets and tried to walk to his side of the barn casually, but failed miserably. My legs had turned to gelatin, not unlike the day before. My face felt hot and I tugged at my collar. Focus, dammit.
"I… I can't stop thinking about it…" I said softly.
I thought I saw a ghost of a smile on the corner of his lips before he tugged the bill of his cap down. "Same."
My heart was throbbing and the same rush that had hit me while I was redressing the day before overwhelmed me again. I cupped his cheeks in my hands and leaned forward-
"D-don't." His body became rigid.
Startled, I pulled away. I don't know why I had just gone for it like that, but Goddess, did it hurt for him to reject me like that.
Are we not going to be friends anymore? Should I leave? Why does it feel like my heart's been ripped out?
"I-I'm sorry…" He cleared his throat. "C-can I…?" He stared at me helplessly, as if begging for me to finish the sentence for him. He had often done that when he couldn't think of the word he was trying to use.
I had no idea what he was trying to say now, though. I jammed my hands back into my pockets and looked up at him.
"I'm just really confused right now," he confessed quietly. He heavily leaned his shoulder into mine, and in my surprise I stumbled a bit. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and sighed; I tried to fight the goose bumps that started to form all over my body. "I mean, what is this?"
I had never heard that tone in his voice before. There was a genuine concern to it with a little bit of hope and fear.
"I dunno, man," I admitted. My breath caught in my throat as I struggled for the right words. "D-do you like it?"
Another sigh. "That's what I'm afraid of."
I listened to the raindrops hit the barn roof and bit my lip. "Do you believe that every pot has a lid?"
"What?" He stood up straight and removed his head from me, staring at me incredulously. I immediately regretted saying something that would make him move.
"Huh… it sounds like a bad pickup line," I admitted sheepishly, relaxing a bit when I saw a hint of a smile on his face. "I guess what I mean to say… I never really thought that there was someone for me…"
Goddess, this sounds so cheesy… Why doesn't he stop me?
"Before we met?" he finished for me.
I gulped, nodding slowly. Despite the fact that he was the one that undressed me yesterday, I was concerned about coming off as too strong. A shock went through my body as I realized I was laying my heart on the line. I did care for him. A lot. "I-I mean… well, yeah." I hated it when my voice cracked.
The rain thudding on the roof did little to cover the sound of my pulse slamming in my ears. Why wasn't he saying anything?
His sudden voice startled me. "I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life since I was five years old. That was taken from me. Now the best I can do is raise the horses I've trained my whole life riding. I'm not even thirty and I'm already washed up. A failure." The color rose in his face and he locked eyes with me. "Why? Why me?"
I knew he was going to fight anything I said. I frowned. "A pot just knows when the lid fits right, y'know? It doesn't question it."
He pulled the bill over his eyes and his shoulders began to shake, sniffling. My heart sunk; I managed to offend him somehow, just as I often had. Strangely enough, we always remained good friends despite our constant missteps around each other.
"Goddess… That is so… stupid!" Gray laughed freely and brushed the tears from his eyes.
I stared at him in shock, unsure if he was angry, insulted, or just thought I was an idiot. I fought the urge to slouch my posture. If he was going to reject me, I was going to accept it bravely.
The corners of his lips turned up. "I hate how you make me laugh when I don't want to. I… kinda love it when you don't make any sense. You make me feel… like less of a failure."
I couldn't help but smile. "Wow, thanks."
We burst into laughter, the raindrops above accompanying us. Gray was still my friend, and that was all that mattered in that moment. I wasn't alone. Whether I was a skillet with the delusion that I was a pot, I wasn't sure.
A kiss on my cheek made me fall silent. It was clumsy, a little rough, and frankly, it kind of hurt. But it was heartfelt. I chuckled.
"Ah, that sucked…"
He gave me another.
And another.
And another.
