Resident Evil 5: PARODY!

LOL I know what you're all thinking…."Seriously! ANOTHER story? Well that's just great…Now updates will be longer…" And you know…that's probably true…hehe … But hey! Only a select few of you really ever review… I could list the devoted ones off…But I don't want to piss anyone off…."Hey! You bastard! You listed my name! Now people are going to hunt me down! Gaah!" lol. But hey… I've decided anyone who actually leaves a review…Will be listed IF THEY CHOOSE TO BE…In the credits to any of my PARODY stories…And don't think "haha! What a dumb ass! She's lying!" Cause it's hard to NOT know when somebody reviews or likes it and doesn't review… Because for some reason… I get an email every time someone reviews or hits favorite or author alert or story alert….. ….. I don't know why….. It is rather annoying actually… Espescially since I am constantly emailing friends and stuff like email conversations…. Then I get a "You received a new email" And it's like Yippee! I click open and…DAMN! FF alert….fav author +…Well…Lets see who isn't reviewing! :3... Or FF review alert! "hmm..Well yes…lets open that…" Double click… "Ahh such a nice review….No no no Mr. anonymous, thank YOU! :P" lol…I'm so cheesy….So I actually do check all the people who are involved with these alerts… But It doesn't bother me so much. Oh one more thing!

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil! That belongs to Capcom!

Story warning: Just understand…. I have never played Resident Evil 5 myself…. Just co-op with a friend… And I was made to play as Sheva… Which I personally have no problem with… But I don't have the full understanding of the game…AND also many of the things I make fun of in this story, I've probably heard somewhere else but I'm going to make fun of those differently than I've heard, with a shit load of my own stuff to make fun of, lol, cause I don't want to steal anything, but its hard to come up with originality when there like a hundred gazillion RE5 parodies. I mean SERIOSLY! Come on! There's 5 story line games! And a crap load of…uhhh….I don't know the term for what Capcom uses… The things that reveal other stuff they have 2 terms… one for what is confirmed and one for what isn't. But anyway! Don't just focus you're parodies on 4 and 5. Just because THEY think that's the best in the series, doesn't mean its true…News flash! They aren't the best! For god sakes they're censored to the point it bores me….4 was okay though…I cheated though using a system I bought from a garage sale but… Yea..After that, it all just went to shit…. Gore I mean… But enough of my rambling ONWARD!

Chapter 1: Welcome To Africa! Home of the friendly!

A cloaked woman slowly circled a black man. She had been doing this for quite some time because she wanted to get it just right for when the time came that everyone finished adjusting the settings for the game. A man in a white suit was in the shadows watching while filing his fingernails. "What are you planning to do with that poor man?" He asked not really caring. The cloaked woman with a bird mask grabbed the man. His eyes began changing color and he cried out. The man in a white suit screamed. "What have you done! AAAHHH! He's turning into a zombie!" He shrieked and ran out.

The cloaked woman sighed and walked after him.

Meanwhile….

Delta team surrounded a warehouse. "HQ! We've secured the underground route to the place we're supposed to go!" Said the Delta team captain. "Very good captain! Now just sit tight until the plan gets screwed up by some un expected disaster!" said the HQ chief. "What does that mean sir? Should we be worried?" asked the captain. "No no no… Nothing to worry about! I'm sure you're mission will be over before you know it!" Assured the HQ chief. "Thanks sir! That really makes me feel better!" They ended the transmission. "BREAK OUT THE BEER COOLERS BOYS!"

XXX Chris XXX

"It didn't take long after the fall of Umbrella corporation….. The worlds umbrella's slowly disappeared making it hard to stay dry in the rain…Not to mention their Bio weapons being handed to naughty people… A new era of bio naughtiness decended, shifting the balance of power throughout nations and making that little bubble go really far to the bad direction! All over the world people feared another incident like Raccoon City was inevitable, I couldn't let that happen! Death to the furries! Even if they are cute and cuddly and make really good hentai! As panic spread like butter on toasted bread, the government turned to a big company to form the anti naughtiness group BSAA (Buff Steroid Abuser Association) Members of the BSAA were sent to stop and neutralize bio naughtiness wherever it reared it shit ugly head! It's people extended to regions around the big flat earth!"

Author: "The earth is round you douche bag!"

Chris blinked "Why do you have to interupt my monologue!"

Author: "Because it's boring god Damnit!"

Chris pulled over and got out of the truck. A woman walked up to him. "Hello tooshy!" Chris greeted. The girl slapped him. "What did you call me?" Chris rubbed his cheek. "Well… You're sexy ass was blocking the camera for a few seconds…So you're name must be tooshy…right?" The girl frowned. "My name is Sheva Alamar." She said. "Well that's a stupid name…" Said Chris smiling. Sheva slapped him again.

"Owwie!" Said Chris. "You'r not a very nice lady, you know that…?" He whined. "What makes you're name so cool then!" Growled Sheva. "Duh! It's REDFIELD! Like a field covered in blood! Blood is cool!" said Chris hyper actively. "Lets just go…We're partners now…" Sighed Sheva and started walking. Chris whispered something and had a dramatic flash back of Jill Valentines grave. "Are you coming?" Asked Sheva. "Yes…I'm sorry….I couldn't hear you because my head is very thick like my rippling muscles! Hooha!" Said Chris flexing. Sheva's mind was blown away by his massive pecks but hid her amazement. "Can we just go?" She said. "Fine…." Grumbled Chris. They walked into the village.

"Casualties continued to amount over the long years I've struggled…More and more I find myself wondering….Chocolate or Vanilla?…" Chris continued in his monologue. "Who are you talking to Chris?" Asked Sheva. "No one… I was just thinking up some stuff for my novel I'm writing!"

As they walked a African army grunt walked out and blocked they're path. "Halt! Debluda bla bla!" He said in a language no one in America understands. He started patting down Sheva and then felt her butt.

Sheva pushed him off. Chris gasped. "Hey! You can't touch tooshy! Tooshy is my buddy!….But if you pay me 50 dollars you can touch tooshy for an hour!" Said Chris. Sheva stared at Chris in disbelief. "I'm not a prostitute!" Shouted Sheva. Chris made a O shape with his mouth as if he now understood everything.

Sheva flashed her a BSAA badge and the man stood aside. They continued walking.

"There is one thing I do know…I have a mission to complete….I have to find a grocery store that sells canned ham." Chris said finishing his monologue. "Can you please stop talking to you're self Chris? It's freaking me out." asked Sheva. Chris sighed. "Fine…" He said following Sheva through a gate.

A sub title appeared in the sky. "Chapter 1-1 Civilian Checkpoint"

Chris slapped Sheva's arm. "Sheva! Sheva!" Shouted Chris grabbing the line of words. Sheva turned to look at Chris and was slapped across the face by the sub title Chris wielded. "OWW! What the hell Chris!" Sheva growled. "I just wanted to show you Sheva….Words can hurt people….So don't nag me on our mission okay?" Chris explained. Chris put the sub title in his item cache box. "Lets go Toosh!" Roared Chris and ran through the village. "ARRR! ARRR! I'm Chris! I like to run because walking is boring! And for some reason I never get tired!" He said in a deep manly voice.

He saw a man being chased by 2 people. "Ahh! Stay away from me!" shouted the African man being chased. The man was grabbed by two other African villagers and then dragged off. "Sheva! That man needs help!" Shouted Chris running after him. But Chris found they were gone. He walked back to Sheva. "Come on Chris!" Yelled Sheva. "GOD Sheva! Don't tell me what to do! I'm wearing the big boy pants here not you!" said Chris.

They continued to walk through the village, Chris stopped at every shop that had someone who called him sir. Chris bumped into a man. "Oh hey! My names Chris! What's you're name?" Asked Chris excited to make a new friend. The man stared at him silently. Chris stared back. The man stared more intensely, Chris stared back twice as intense. They stared each other down for another 30 seconds then Chris broke the silence. "Well I've got to go…You are starting to creep me out." He said and walked off in search of Sheva. "Tooshy! Tooshy where have you gone?" Chris seen 3 men beating a sack with sticks. "Oh hey guys! My names Chris!" They turned to look at him saying nothing. Chris looked at the sack that had blood on it.. "What's in that sack?… I know its not potatoes…" He said. They stared at him some more.

"You're evil….I'm getting out of here…" Said Chris and looked around. "Tooshy! Where have you gone?" He turned around and seen Sheva walking. "Oh there you are toosh…Wait for me tooshy!"

They walked up to a butcher shop. There was a creepy voice. "Go around to the back….I have popsicles there…" Sheva walked to the back. Chris followed. They were let in by a man in a turban. "HOLY SHIT! IT'S A TERRORIST!" Screamed Chris. The turban man raised his hands screaming "Where!"

Chris punched the turban man. "Ouch! What was that for you ass hole!" Shouted turban man. Chris grabbed turban man. "SO! Benladdin! You've been hiding in Africa have you!" The turban man laughed. "Sir… I think you are mistaken… I am you're contact.." Explained turban man. Chris nodded understanding and let go of the turban man.

"You're mission is to meet up with Delta team… They are having a party… So collect you're weapons and leave… I have a meeting to go to…." said the turban man walking out. Chris picked up a hand gun and aimed it around. "Look Tooshy! I got a shooter-meh-jigger!" cheered Chris. Sheva loaded her hand gun. Chris stared for a moment. "Tooshy! Why are you're Pillows blocking the screen! That's it! You're new name is Pillow!" Sheva screamed and tackled Chris and started slapping the shit out of him.

END OF CHAPTER 1: Next Chapter: Angry Neighbors!

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