What am I doing? I can't believe I'm doing this. My thoughts were racing as I boarded the plane. There was no turning back now. I was on my way halfway across the country. Why? To visit a boy - no, a man - who I hadn't thought about in ten years. I mean, yeah I've thought about him. Of course I had. He was such a huge part of my life. But I hadn't thought about him in that way in ten years. So what has changed? Why was I dropping everything to go visit him? Why now? I don't even know. Eli and I have always just had such a connection. But we were terrible for each other, completely toxic. I know this. I've always known this. But I've always been so drawn to him. Every time these thoughts had surfaced over the past decade, I've pushed them down, burying them deep into my subconscious, and went about my life. But after recently reconnecting after a bad break-up, I couldn't ignore it anymore. As terrible as we were for each other, I knew that neither of us could fight the attraction and the love we felt for each other. It is mutual, I know that, but sometimes I wonder if the feelings are more on my end than his. They do say that a woman will always feel a special connection with the man who takes her virginity. Is that all it is? I don't know, but I know that it's been ten years since we've looked in each other's eyes, and it's been ten years since I've felt his arms wrapped around me.

As I took my seat by the window, the butterflies in my stomach were making me feel especially nauseous. I have never been very good at flying, but today's flight seemed to be particularly nervewracking. A heavyset gentleman took his seat beside me, giving me very little room to get situated. I was starting to have trouble breathing and I realized that this would be the longest flight ever, in more ways than one. Before taking off, I quickly shot off a quick text, letting Eli know that I had boarded the plane, and promptly turned my phone off. I leaned my head back as I tried to calm my nerves and work out my thoughts. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this visit. Is this just going to be a waste of time? Breaking up with Eli was both the best and worst thing to happen to me. I was only 19 years old and he had been my first - everything. Are we just going to pick up where we left off? Are we going to get along, or fight like we always did? We had been texting and talking to each other for the last couple of months and it has been wonderful. We'd been reminiscing the past, admitting past mistakes, and just talked to each other. It was his idea to invite me for a visit, one late night phone conversation that we both didn't want to end.

"I don't know Eli. I don't think I can just drop everything and fly out to Calgary."

"Come on Clare. It'll be like old times."

"That's what I'm afraid of," I muttered, more to myself, but he heard.

"Come on Clare. Please? I just really want to see you."

Somehow he had convinced me. I arranged to take some time off at work, and here I am, practically hyperventilating on WestJet Flight 653. After popping a couple of Gravol, I prepared myself to see my highschool sweetheart for the first time in ten years.