Disclaimer: All character's mentioned are property of NBC / Dick Wolf
Warning: I am sure everyone has already seen both episodes but if not… contains slight spoilers for "Witness" and "Shattered"
Restless
She slowly slid her tall lean frame beneath the thin cool sheets. The sweltering heat that permeated the air around her was forgotten as she folded her hands behind her head and let her thoughts drift to the one person she had never been able to forget.
Olivia Benson.
No matter how badly she wanted to stay, she always managed to leave before things between the two of them could be settled. There was no denying their mutual attraction - though the subject had never been broached. Enough looks had been exchanged and on the rare occasions when they violated each other's personal space the air between them had been charged with what she could only have described as sexual tension - and the four times they had allowed their bare skin to brush together "accidently", had been nothing short of electric.
Alex sighed and turned to her side, looking at the blank wall of the small room she had been assigned to. Her work here was difficult, but nothing short of rewarding - despite the physical danger she dealt with day after day, she knew she was giving hope to those women, who had previously had none. She always told herself the same thing when memories of the brunette detective threatened to overwhelm her. She hated the way she had left things between them.
She had never meant for Olivia to find out the way she did, nor had she anticipated the backlash from such a discovery. After leaving the two detectives on the courthouse steps she had received a message to meet Olivia on the rooftop of the one six. Alex closed her eyes as she re-lived that last encounter.
The wind had been fierce that day and her coat had whipped around her body as she slowly closed the door to the stairwell - wondering why it was that Olivia had insisted upon meeting her in such an unusual location. At first she thought the detective had stood her up but as she rounded the corner she had been struck by the sheet beauty of the sight that greeted her.
Olivia stood motionless as the biting wind whipped her long hair away from her face. She stood arms crossed over her ample chest - the backdrop of a setting sun and the New York skyline making her seem powerful, timeless and incredibly, even more attractive. Alex felt her breath catch as her heart began to ache acutely. She would have been content to simply stare but her heels had no doubt given her away and she was instantly caught in a molten stare by warm, deep brown eyes that now swam with unshed tears.
This was a side of Olivia she had rarely seen and one she had hoped never to see again. It reminded her too much of the night she had been dragged into Witness Protection. It reminded her of the numerous times she had hurt the woman in front of her, the numerous times she had let her favorite detective down. A raspy voice pulled her from her thoughts.
"Why couldn't you have told me yourself Alex? Why is it that every time you decide you don't want to be a part of our lives we get to hear it from someone else?"
Alex swallowed slowly. Honestly she didn't have an answer and Olivia so richly deserved one - especially after nine years had passed since they had first met. Especially since she had given Alex chance after chance at redemption.
"I was going to Olivia. I had every intention of inviting you to dinner tonight to talk about this. I had no idea my witness was going to tell you…"
A cool voice cut across her explanation.
"The fact that she even knew before the rest of us is inexcusable Alex."
She felt her head nod in agreement.
"You are right Olivia, but I felt I owed it to her - to let her know that things were going to change. That her courage would be rewarded, that someone cared."
It happened so fast Alex scarcely had time to register the firm grip that had wrapped around her upper arms and the cool press of concrete against her back as she found herself pinned by what appeared to be a very angry member of New York's finest. She felt the warm wash of Olivia's breath against her face as the detective whispered achingly.
"What about what you owe me Alex?"
She felt the cool texture of a leather glove as it pressed itself between the valley of her breasts, directly above her pounding heart.
"I know you feel it too. I feel your heart pounding and I can see the tension in your body and know it matches mine. It broke my heart to think your life had been stolen that night and it broke again to know that even though you lived you were going to still lose everything you had worked for. I promised myself I would never do this. I would never confess to the way you made me feel, that I would never force you to choose - but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep waiting for you to come back to me, to my squad whenever the mood strikes. You were in New York how long before McCoy made you return to SVU? You came back determined to leave that part of your life behind. If you leave now Alex, I won't wait a third time."
Alex shuddered against the confession, against the close proximity of Olivia's body and against the overwhelming desire to withdraw her request for a leave of absence. She had no idea how long they stood like that, but when she blinked darkness had almost fallen. She felt gloved hands softly caress and cup her cheeks, smooth leather slid across and over her parted lips and Alex felt her head tipped to the side as warm soft lips covered her own. The kiss was deep, slow and sweet but over just as quickly as it had started and the last thing Alex remembered was the whispered goodbye and then the silence that came with being truly alone in the world.
Alex closed her eyes and let the single tear slide down her cheek. What a fool she had been. She had tried to contact the detective later that night and every night after until she had arrived at the airport to board the flight that would put more miles between her and the one person she had always loved. Her body shook despite the humidity in the room. She wrapped her arms around herself, imagining it was Olivia who held her as she let her body fall into exhaustion.
Olivia leaned against the rusted frame of her fire escape and looked out over her small corner of the world. It was warmer than usual this time of year and the unexpected heat made her think of blonde who had occupied so many of her thoughts for so many years. She licked her lips slowly. Even six months after that brief kiss she could still taste the former ADA. She knew she would never come to terms with the way she felt about Alex. Her first impression of the forceful blonde had not been favorable and she had agreed with Elliot that the young woman's only reason for accepting the assignment to SVU was almost assuredly political - why else would anyone that beautiful and that brilliant accept an assignment to prosecute one of the most difficult area's of law.
Beautiful and brilliant.
Alexandra Cabot was the embodiment of those two words. Flawless features were not enough to detract from the sharp legal mind that lurked beneath the smooth veneer. Despite her desire to dislike the young lawyer, Olivia had found herself captivated from day one and the feeling had never dissipated - not even after nine years.
Olivia shook her head and took a long swallow from the cold beer she held in her hand. The one drink was all the solace she allowed herself to seek after a long day. Solace. She scoffed at the word as a familiar bitterness set in. It had been six months since she had last held Alexandra Cabot, albeit briefly - six months since they had last spoke and six months since she had felt whole. She took another long drink and sighed. How could she have been so foolish as to fall in love with a woman who had no interest in anything more than an off and on friendship?
She wondered again what it was that had made Alex so special. Surely the unit had had a string of interesting and, for the most part, competent ADA's since the blonde's stint in WP. It had taken time for Novak to get used to the cases but she had become one of the team up until her disbarment. Greyleck had been just as beautiful, just as brilliant and just as passionate as Alex - yet Olivia had never felt anything more than a reluctant admiration for the young prosecutor. EADA Paxton had been an intense bitch but her drive for perfection had pushed Elliot and her to dig deeper into their cases - that is up until her alcoholic debut in front of open court. Their newest ADA was also at an executive level and had previously been a cop - her partner's ex partner and Olivia had yet to form a concrete opinion of the intense woman.
She shook her head again. The cases were starting to get to her and she found her ability to compartmentalize fading with every case she worked. She was getting burned out and she knew it. This latest case had shattered her objectivity. Having to press her hands down, applying pressure as blood seeped through her fingers had taken her back to the night Alex had been shot. At one point she had looked down and felt her heart breaking all over again as Melinda Warner's face changed into immediately recognizable alabaster features and blank blue eyes. She had blinked herself back into reality, placing her mind back into the game so that she could save rather than let go.
Olivia looked down at her hands and found she could still see the bloodstains. She had felt the same way weeks after seeing and saying goodbye to Alex. Every night she had awakened drenched in sweat, her heart pounding as her mind punished her for her failure to protect the women she professed to love. She swallowed another long drink and held the bottle up, swirling the remaining amber colored contents. It was nights like this that made her want to re-think her choices - it was nights like this that made her wish she could let the past go and move forward with her life. She had given up so much for the job and had taken nothing for herself - the one thing she wanted most was now definitely beyond her reach. As she looked up into the night sky, she found herself wondering if Alex ever thought of her.
Alex flashed a bright smile at young children that ran, played and danced around her group. Despite the poverty in which they lived, these children still retained a youthful hope and carefree attitude and Alex found herself struck amazed at their resilience. She lifted her wrist to check her watch, concerned that she had let time escape her. She needed to get back to the compound, shower and change for her meeting with the local officials. She also had to finish preparing her argument for the UN and she also had to make the decision to go back to New York while she awaited her next assignment or to stay in the Congo to help the women she had so easily befriended. She didn't know if she could face Olivia again. She didn't want to know that the beautiful detective had moved on, she didn't want to know that she was so easily forgotten; but the desire to lay her eyes on the older woman was so strong Alex didn't know if she could choose to stay away. She felt torn, but hid her emotions behind the stress and importance of what she had to do as she smiled at the villagers - saying her goodbyes and making her excuses before departing.
She tipped her head back under the lukewarm spray of water and sighed as she slid her hands over her soapy wet skin. Her mind flashed a vision of Olivia and immediately Alex felt her body hum and tingle as she imagined the strong hands that had so firmly held her restless body still on that roof, running across her body. A pulse of desire hit her - hard, and she felt her knees buckle slightly, her hand splayed against the wall to hold herself up That single response made up her mind for her. She needed to go back to New York and she needed to make things right. Even if nothing came from it she wanted Olivia to know that she was not the only one who wanted the forbidden, that she wasn't the only one that felt lost when they were apart. Mind made up she quickly finished her shower and made preparations to leave after she spoke with the UN.
Olivia sat heavily at her desk and frowned. Cragen had ordered her to take some time off - just as he always did after she dealt with a difficult case. And always, she paid lip service to his offer only to find herself back at work the next day. After all, what did they expect, this was the life she had chosen. She noticed her partner was missing and felt her lips curve into a small smile. It was good Elliot had stayed home - too often he came in to keep her company but the past few years of dealing with a strained marriage had shed some light on the man and now he stayed home more often than not. She was proud he was giving his marriage another shot - Kathy was a good woman, wife and mother and he would have been a fool to let that go. She envied him - but she loved that he had something more than cold case files to go home to.
She slid her fingertips over the bouquet that had been delivered earlier that morning. It had been two weeks since the incident at the ME's and though she didn't feel as though she had done anything that Melinda would not have done for her, she appreciate the gracious gesture of thanks. Her stomach still turned slightly when she remembered how hard she'd had to press that scalpel into living flesh and the rough way she'd had to force the small piece of tubing into the open wound. Shaking her head to clear the memories she caught Fin's eyes as he stared over at her and smiled. The tale of her brief foray into playing doctor had spread throughout the precinct and she'd been subjected to the hero worship by far too many people. She was no hero. She had only done what she had had to - just as she did every day she spent working at this job.
Having no pressing cases, Olivia opened her email and sat, staring at the blank screen. She did this all too often as a part of her yearned to contact Alexandra Cabot. She had written letter after letter only to delete them after her feelings had been purged. They all started out the same way and ended with the three words she had never had the courage to utter in person. She was startled by the sound of her name and minimized the open window before turning around to see the disappointed look on her Captain's face.
"Olivia, I thought I told you to take some time off."
She nodded and looked away, her gaze falling to the stack of files on her desk. She felt the weight of a heavy hand resting on her shoulder.
"You've got to stop doing this Olivia. This place shouldn't be your life. You are a beautiful woman - go out - live a little."
She moved, letting the hand fall off her shoulder as she picked up a file, opening it to an incomplete page.
"I've seem more of life than I ever wanted to being in this squad. I'm fine Captain and I will go home early, I just want to finish my paperwork."
He stepped back in silence and watched the dark haired women for a moment. She was like a daughter to him and he had watched her grow from a women wrought with inner demons to the strong secure person in front of him. He hated to see her give up on having something - someone - outside of the job, but he couldn't council her to reconsider… after all… the job was his life too. He walked back to his office, he had his own pile of paperwork to complete.
Alex stared at door to Olivia's apartment. She had come straight from her hotel and had not been surprised to find nobody home. She had not wanted to call, had not wanted to alert the beautiful women that she was in town. Her last attempt at contacting the detective had not ended in success. She rested her back against the wall and wondered just how late Olivia would be. She was prepared to wait this out. She had two weeks before she would be re-assigned and was too stubborn to take no for an answer - she only hoped that tonight didn't end in a battle of wills. She heard heavy footsteps and what sounded like the sound of a heavy bag dropping to the floor followed by a barrage of soft curse words. She scarcely had time to prepare herself before the woman she was waiting for rounded the corner. She walked briskly head down as her hand sifted through her purse and Alex found her lips curling in amusement. Not wanting to startle the detective, she stepped aside and stood silently.
Olivia frowned in concentration, mentally cursing her decision to wear pants without pockets and the purse with its damning depths. She exclaimed excitedly as her fingers closed over her keys and as she slid the key into the lock she felt an odd tingle at the base of her spine. The air seemed warmer and she sniffed, frozen as a familiar fragrance assaulted her senses. She slowly swallowed and spoke softly, hating the husky tone her voice took on.
"How long have you been standing there?"
Alex felt her eyebrow lift at the impressive detective skills. Without even turning her head Olivia knew it was her. She started to ask how the detective knew but had her question answered as Olivia swung her door open.
"It must have been awhile - the whole hallway smells like you."
Alex felt her eyes narrow as she followed the detective into her apartment, not bothering to wait for permission, taking the still open door an invite. She leaned against the frame and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Was that your attempt at a compliment?"
Olivia slid her leather coat off of her shoulders, throwing it across the couch as she slid her gun and badge off of her belt.
"No, simply a statement of fact."
Alex stepped deeper into the small apartment, closing the door behind her. She caught the trapped look in the deep brown eyes that glanced back at her and felt the air thicken. She bit her lower lip, a habit she had retained from her time in hiding, and slowly slid her own coat off, letting it join the leather jacket on the couch. She let her fingertips slowly slide over the familiar material, resisting the urge to lift the leather to her face and inhale the warm clean scent she knew she would find there. She had gone over what she wanted to say during the long flight home. She had played with different scenarios - ones where Olivia would push her away, ones where the detective would take up where she had left things on the rooftop, ones where they would fight, scream and even ones that mirrored this… silence. It was unsettling and Alex found herself at a loss for both words and actions as she watched the woman who had been all she could think about pointedly ignore her presence.
Olivia forced herself to ignore the tall blonde. Her heart hammered against her chest and she fought to keep her hands steady as she filled the kettle up and turned her stove on to heat enough water for a cup of tea. A single cup of tea, she told herself, purposefully only putting in enough liquid to do just that. It was an ungracious thing for a host to do, but since she had never invited Alex in, she felt justified with the ill treatment. Part of her wanted to ask what the former ADA was doing here, back in New York, back in her life but she refrained. Part of her wanted to grab the slender frame and demand an explanation and part of her wanted nothing more than to peel back the layers of clothing that separated them and give into the lust that pulsed through her body. It was the latter reason that made her keep her distance. She wasn't ready to confront her harried rooftop confession and the lack of response from Alex had not been encouraging. It had been her own anger and embarrassment that had kept her from accepting or returning any of the lawyer's calls prior to her leaving for overseas. As far as she was concerned she had said her goodbye's and was in no hurry to say her hello's.
Alex watched the jerky way Olivia moved as she transitioned from sink to stove, from stove to sink, from kitchen to hallway and beyond. Having been witness to the natural grace that radiated from the brunette, Alex knew her presence was not unnoticed and she could recognize the attempt at ignoring it. The familiar stubborn action made her smile. At least that had not changed. Minutes passed and for a moment Alex thought she had been left alone in the living room indefinitely but the shrill whistle from the tea pot made her jump and she walked to the kitchen to take it away for the heat that made it scream. She lifted the handle and slowly poured the steaming water into the cup Olivia had left on her counter - smiling faintly when she found there was only enough water for a single cup. She looked up at the broken tone that greeted her attempt to finish preparing the tea the way she remembered the detective liked it.
"Don't"
Alex found herself trapped by a shower dampened Olivia whose eyes looked imploringly into hers as she repeated her request to stop. Slowly Alex backed away from the steaming cup and leaned against the counter in the small partially enclosed kitchen. She wanted so badly to reach out, to pull that athletic frame against her and ask the thousands of questions she had never given voice to. She let her eyes wander over the familiar frame, noticing the small differences that enhanced rather then detracted from the older woman's beauty. Her hair was much longer, her frame only slightly thicker, her muscles stood more pronounced and there were lines in her face that had not been there since they had last seen one another. It was obvious the past six months had been rough and Alex wondered if it was personal or just the job. Deciding to break the silence she inquired into the only neutral area she could think of.
"How is Elliot?"
Olivia rounded on the tall lithe woman invading her kitchen and glared.
"You came back all the way from Africa to ask me how my partner was doing? If you want to know so badly he still lives in Queens - go ask him yourself."
Alex felt her eyes widen, taken back by the animosity that seethed from the calm voice. She could have cared less how Elliot Stabler was doing, she had only asked thinking that it was safer than asking how things were at the one six. Dejectedly she straightened, pulling away from the counter as she took a chance and reached her hand out, letting it rest lightly on smooth damp flesh of Olivia's forearm.
"I didn't come back for Elliot… I came back for you - for… us… if there is still an us."
Olivia almost jerked her arm away but the soft words stilled her movements and she looked over into the impossibly blue eyes that never failed to take her breath away. She started to deny that there was an "us" between them but the words stuck in her throat. She acted on instinct instead, giving in briefly to the need that had always threatened to consume her all the times she had found herself alone with the striking attorney. She reached out swiftly, wrapping her arm around a trim waist, her fingertips digging into soft flesh as she roughly pulled the other woman against her. Her other hand buried itself in long blonde hair, cupping the back of Alex's head as she crushed their lips together.
Alex felt her body jerked forward and her mouth assaulted before her mind had even caught up to what was happening. Even caught up, she ceased to think as she wrapped a free arm around the detective's neck and parted her lips - encouraging the shared kiss to deepen. Her tongue slid against Olivia's slowly and tangled in an attempt to mutually please and taste. She felt her back pressed against the counter again as a muscled thigh slid between her own - the friction making her groan.
The groan broke through the haze and Olivia slowly pulled away, slightly disoriented by her actions. She felt her body pulled back against Alex and felt the ADA's warm breath against the sensitized lobe of her ear.
"Don't leave me Liv… please… just let this happen."
Olivia felt a small whimper escape her parted lips as permission was given to complete an act she had only ever fantasized about. She felt overwhelmed, hesitant but not even she could turn away such an opportunity. She slid her hands up, cupping the strong stubborn jaw - holding it still as she gently brushed her lips back and forth, teasingly, as she whispered softly.
"I want you Alex… I've always wanted you."
Alex licked her lips slowly, her tongue teasing the edge of Olivia's before sighing softly.
"Then what are you waiting for detective."
A/N - Ehhhh, yes I know I am evil. This will be a three parter of how I wish NBC would let Stephanie March's character come back to the series. It will never happen that way but if I had a say...
