Craig had been in Dublin for exactly a month. And it had been on that day when he realised that it was the last place in the world he wanted to be. Even since he stepped off the plane there had been a feeling growing inside of him, festering away telling him that this wasn't what he wanted. After all that time of planning, of preparing for this moment. It all seemed irrelevant.
The one good thing he had managed to find in his life he had let walk away. Or had he pushed him away? Or was any of this his fault? He had tried to make sense of the moments that only happened as he watched John Paul walk out of his life. He had thought about everything John Paul had said, remembering every last word he had spoke. He wished that he could have an argument against them, but anything he attempted to think seemed lame in comparison.
John Paul had been right. He didn't know who he was. He thought maybe he did. But as he had got on that plane, as he had found his seat and sat down and then watched the view out the window grow further and further away, watched the plane pull him away from John Paul forever, a feeling that he was completely lost and alone overwhelmed him, and he sat quietly crying to himself.
How long can we wait here to say goodbye? - The words once they're spoken are words that we can't take back to where we were, before things got in the way
He cried for the loss of a love that he had come to hold so close to him. For a love that had taken him completely out of himself, made him feel and think things that he had never even imagined possible before. He sat crying for the loss of an identity that he had been clinging onto for so long, the "Craig Dean" everyone knew was no longer there. Too much had happened, too much had changed. He could never be that person again, not even if he tried. Sometimes amidst all the lies with him and John Paul, he had prayed for time to go backwards, to start from a point before everything had changed, he would think up different ways in which things had happened, but every time he found himself pulled away from those thoughts by reality creeping its way back in. A phone call from Sarah, a text message from John Paul. And again Craig found himself lost in a situation he was unable to control.
He did deserve this. He did deserve John Paul walking away. What had he ever done to be worthy of John Paul loving him? He had lied to him time and time again, hurt him. He had seen that he was hurting him and yet still did it, his own fear over powering any regret he might have felt for betraying John Paul. And he did it all with such ease. He didn't even have to try, it all came so easy to him to be able to lie to John Paul, to Sarah and his family. He never would of found the courage to tell anyone about him and John Paul, he would have got on the plane like normal with the lies still hidden, leaving John Paul and the secret they shared behind, leaving John Paul to deal with it by himself.
Life gets so confusing when you know what you're loosing
The anger that he felt at John Paul for outing him like that had faded away quickly. He tried to put himself in John Paul' position. He remembered how he felt when he had watched John Paul with Spike, watched the two of them together, and how a sickness would always rise in his stomach, and a pain would clench his heart. And then he tried to imagine what it would have been like to have been lied to again and again by someone who says they love you, to be fed lines of promises that didn't amount to anything, and he realised that he couldn't be angry at John Paul, because Craig had been the one who had driven him to that point. Made him feel like he had no other option.
He heard a knocking on his door. He ignored it, like he had been for the past two nights. Jamie. He heard her voice calling through the door. Telling him to open the door. That he had to come out tonight. He could hear other people in the corridor muttering. Sometimes he wished he hadn't given up the flat he had to move into student accommodation. But the place haunted him. From the moment he stepped inside and found the note addressed to him and John Paul from the land lord, he knew there would be no escaping John Paul there. Even though John Paul would never step foot in there, he would never see be part of life they had planned, he still lingered in the place everywhere. In the kitchen where they would have eaten together, talked about what they had planned for the day ahead, coming home at night and telling each other about their day. The lounge where they would have sat at night, wrapped up together, a place for them to escape from the outside world. The bedroom where they would have made love, and slept in each others arms. All of it full of memories of what could have been, dreams left unfulfilled, wishes never granted. He had only been there a week when he arranged to move into halls.
The room he sat in was dark and cold. A bed, desk, wardrobe and bedside cabinet were all what kept him company. There was no life in the room, no love shown to it, the walls still as blank as the day he had arrived. But even this was better than the feeling he had felt in that flat. He would feel empty wherever he was. But being there had been too much. Too much a reminder of what could have been if only he had been braver.
You - me - why can't we see that there's more to love than we'll ever know - sometimes you're closer when you're letting go
He was sure after a while the pain he felt would fade. But it still felt as fresh as it did the day at that airport. He thought that after being here a while he would start to feel at home and comfortable, but that feeling had not happened. And now he felt for sure that it would never come. That this is what he was supposed to feel. Deserved to feel. He lay back on the cold, hard bed, the window that was open above his head let in a small draft and Craig pulled the duvet over his body, enjoying the feeling of the warmth on his body. He looked to clock that hung on the wall. It was only 10pm. 10pm. It was Friday night and Craig was a student and he found himself curled up in his bed, tired, always so tired, and dreaming of a life that would never exist to him. He closed his eyes as sleep over took him. He tried his best to fight the feeling, as he did most nights, as he tried to stop the dreams that haunted him.
The dreams where he found himself back in Hollyoaks. In the centre of the village. Everyone there. His family. Everyone. All eyes on him. Whispering about him. And he would feel panicked and look around for a way out of there, but only seeing that anyway he could escape was blocked off. He could the panic only getting worse, his heart beating faster, his breathe quickening, sinking to his knees and covering his face in his hands. Then he would feel a hand touch his own. Resting lightly on top of it pulling it away from his face. He would feel two hands wrap tightly round his and pull him to his feet and into a hug that made him feel like everything else had dissolved away. There was no Hollyoaks village. No family. No one. Just him and John Paul. Holding onto one another for dear life. And almost as he had just felt the arms of John Paul wrap round him, they were gone again. And now he was on the outside looking in. Looking at John Paul standing alone in Hollyoaks Village. All eyes on him.Judging him. And Craig tried to fight through the people, he tried to fight his way in, but every time he found himself get slightly closer he was pulled back again, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get to John Paul. He could see the tears falling down John Paul's face, he could see the sadness in his eyes, but still could not get to him. His strength fading every time he tried.
We'll both regret the hurting that we will do - you'll learn to forget me and I'll try , I'll try to forget...
And every time at that point Craig would wake up. Tears falling down his face. To start with he had feared going to sleep. Knowing that the dream would come. That it would wake him up, leaving him feeling empty. But now he welcomed it. He welcomed that one moment in the dream where he had John Paul in his arms again. He remembered every moment of the feeling of having John Paul's arms wrapped around him, his head resting into his neck. The dream was worth it. The pain he felt after was worth it. As long as he never forgot. He never forgot what he and John Paul had, what made them so special. Even if no one would ever understand that, at least he did. He knew what it felt like to be loved completely, to have someone want you in spite of all your flaws. To be able to look past them and see the potential of what was truly inside.
Craig pulled the covers off him and stood up from the bed. He looked out his window at the view below. The groups of people all going for their night out. All the people living their life. He wondered how many of them had been where he had. A broken heart that seemed unable to be fixed. He knew there was no going back, but at moments like this when he felt more alone than ever before. He thought about it. He actually allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to walk back into that place. To try and make things right. But he knew he was kidding himself. There was no way he could be able to do that, not now. He had to accept that this is where he was now. That this was... is his life. And John Paul had a point. He had lost himself in everything that had happened. And now he had to figure out who he was, who he wanted to be. Only then could he ever love someone completely. And he knew he wouldn't find it in this room. Locking himself away. Because the answers weren't here. All Craig had was his old memories, and he knew he had to learn that instead of letting them haunt him, he had to remember them and take them with him. Use them and help them on the way to becoming the person he was going to be.
If you ever need a place that you can run to I'll be here
He had never felt worthy. Never of anyone that loved him, anyone that cared for him. And he needed to change that. He needed to be the kind of person that they had seen in him, because up until now he hadn't. He had been hiding away and being weak, and he was tired of feeling that way. He was tired of feeling alone. He reached for his phone on his bedside cabinet, and glanced at the picture sitting beside him. He picked it up and ran his finger across the blonde mans face, and for the first time in a month he smiled at the picture, he smiled at the face of the man he had loved more than anything.
I wish the best for you
