This story starts during episode 2x22, just after that scene with the hooker at the bar. Wasn't Lisbon's expression priceless?


"Novella" waved goodbye and smiled suggestively at Jane as he and Lisbon left the bar. Lisbon refused to look at the woman, or Jane for that matter. Inwardly she was seething. Lisbon had been very embarrassed when Jane told the hooker she was "adventurous" enough to want a threesome. But that wasn't the worst part. No, the worst part was that Jane's stupid acts were the closest thing she had to a real love life, and he knew it. She hadn't had a date, much less a boyfriend, in over year. Jane seemed to get a perverse pleasure out of rubbing her nose it.

Lisbon walked quickly out to the car and started the engine as soon as she got in. Jane hurried to catch up and jumped in just in time. She pulled out of the parking lot and glared at the traffic in front, lips pursed. She could see Jane studying her out of the corner of her eye and that annoyed her even more.

"You seem upset" Jane observed.

"No kidding" Lisbon replied, keeping a death-grip hold on the steering wheel.

"Is it because I told her you're a bit 'out there'? Because you know that was just an act."

Lisbon glanced at him and realized he was making that stupid puppy-dog face he always used when he wanted her to forgive him. The one with wide, innocent eyes and those stupid blond curls that looked like something out of a Michelangelo painting.

"I know it was an act. It's always an act with you. But I don't want to be part of your little games anymore," she said hotly, reminding herself why she was angry at him.

"But Lisbon, you know it helps us solve cases," he replied plaintively.

"I don't care. Use someone else to lie for you next time," she insisted. What she really meant was I don't like pretending to be your lover. But she couldn't say that, because then he would figure out why, and tease her relentlessly about it.

"Van-Pelt wouldn't have been able to pull it off," Jane explained, trying to win her over with reason. "And Rigsby or Cho…wouldn't have been much use in that situation."

In spite of herself, Lisbon was suddenly amused at the thought poker-faced Cho trying to pick up a hooker with Jane. "I'm sure you'll figure something out," she replied. "I mean it Jane. If you try it again, I swear I will NOT play along. Do I make myself clear?" She glared at him, as if to prove how serious she was.

"Yes, Lisbon" he sighed. But there was a glint in his eye and Lisbon knew this wouldn't be the end of it.


As it turned out, Jane only managed to last a couple of weeks before pulling another "undercover" trick. The team was working on a serial homicide case, but couldn't seem to find a link between the victims aside from cause of death. Until Van-Pelt found a lead in their bank records.

"They were both clients of Tremaine Clinic," she informed Lisbon, proudly handing over the printout.

"Tremaine Clinic? What's that?" Lisbon asked.

"They specialize in …um.. sexual therapy" Van-Pelt replied, blushing slightly.

Lisbon raised an eyebrow and glanced over at Jane, who appeared to be napping on the couch. "Ok, I'll take Cho and go check it out."

"He and Rigsby are still interviewing the ex-boyfriends," Jane interrupted cheerfully, jumping up from the couch. "I'll come with you, Lisbon."

"Fine, come on then." Lisbon sighed and rolled her eyes.

When they got in the elevator she turned to him and crossed her arms. "No funny stuff, Jane."

Jane insisted on stopping at a coffee shop for morning tea along the way, where he ordered a bagel and used the rest room. Lisbon ordered a cappuccino and was pleasantly surprised at the quality, but still chafed at the delay. It was 11am by the time they finally pulled up at the clinic.

The building was light and modern and an attractive young woman attended the reception desk. "Can I help you?" she asked, smiling at Jane.

Jane smiled back and Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "We're here to see Doctor Holland," she informed the young woman coolly.

The woman ripped her eyes away from Jane. "Do you have an appointment?" she asked hesitantly.

"Actually…" Lisbon began, reaching for her badge.

"Yes we do," Jane interrupted suddenly. "You were kind enough to squeeze us in at eleven."

"Oh, you must be Patrick and Teresa" the woman beamed at them. "Please, go on through." She directed them down the hall.

"Jane!" Lisbon hissed, grabbing his arm forcefully when they were out of earshot. "You called from the coffee shop to make an appointment? I said no more games…"

"Oh relax, Lisbon. We'll get much more information this way." Jane smiled and put his arm through hers as they walked into the therapist's office.

Doctor Holland (Phd, not M.D) was a middle-aged woman with auburn hair pulled up in a bun and stern-looking square glasses. She smiled encouragingly and stood up to greet them as they walked in. The room was attractively furnished with a glass desk, potted plants, and stylish black leather chairs and couch. The doctor motioned for Jane and Lisbon to sit on the couch and then she sat on the chair opposite.

"How can I help you today?" Holland asked, glancing from one to the other.

"Well, we're having some problems," Jane began, putting his arm around Lisbon's shoulder.

"No, we're not." Lisbon interrupted, glaring at him.

"Let the man finish, dear," the therapist admonished Lisbon gently. "Go on," she nodded at Jane.

Jane gave Lisbon a comforting squeeze and she felt her objections fade. Damn, he really was a master manipulator. Once again, she was being dragged into a charade.

Jane glanced at Lisbon carefully as if asking her permission to continue. "The problem is, my lady here is a bit ...repressed. Sexually, if you know what I mean."

Lisbon exploded in anger and ripped Jane's arm off her shoulder. "I am NOT sexually repressed!" She stood up abruptly. Jane looked so cool and calm in his immaculate gray suit, she wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face.

Lisbon drew her hand back as if to punch him but then suddenly had a better idea. She straddled Jane's legs and grabbed the front of his jacket. Then, kneeling over his lap, she kissed him. Hard. He seemed frozen in shock so she forced his mouth open with her own and explored it with her tongue. Her hands let go of his jacket and caressed his neck and then the soft golden curls on his head. She breathed in his scent and ground her hips against his.

After a few seconds she began to feel the evidence that his body was responding to her performance. Lisbon decided that was enough to make a point. She stood up. Jane stared at her, mouth open and breathing hard. She slapped him across the cheek and then turned to leave. Holland was watching them with interest, as if this kind of thing happened every day. Well, it probably did in her line of work.

Lisbon strode out the door without a word, and got into the SUV and drove away. Jane would have to find his own way back.

Back in Holland's office, Jane attempted to compose himself. He brushed down his rumpled suit and tried to think about cold showers or dead bodies or something equally unappealing.

"She doesn't seem repressed to me," Holland observed thoughtfully. "Although, there do appear to be some anger and trust issues in your relationship. I can help you with those."


It was after 5pm and Lisbon waited in her office. The rest of the team and gone home for the day and she wondered if she should call Jane. He'd had it coming of course, but she hoped he wasn't too freaked out. She felt a mixture of relief and trepidation when he finally walked in the door.

Lisbon pretended to be busy with a case report as he approached. "Did you find anything useful at the clinic?" she asked casually.

"Yes, actually. Holland had plenty of insightful advice," he replied cheerfully.

"About the case, Jane."

"Oh yes, here's a shortlist of the patients and employees you should check out tomorrow." He handed her a piece of paper with seven names on it.

"Thanks Jane." Lisbon was genuinely grateful. Maybe they would make more progress on the case tomorrow.

Jane turned to leave but then paused in the doorway. "By the way, that was a very …intriguing disciplinary method you used back there."

Lisbon snorted. "Yes, well, we've already established that traditional punishments don't work on you. I have to get creative."

"Good for you." Jane grinned.


Yes I know it's a bit of a lame ending. But I think Jane needs a time to mull over the situation. And a bit more provocation. Stay tuned for the sequel. Reviews? Suggestions?