A/N:
Why hello there everyone. This is basically the Lord of the Rings
version of "Something in the Pumpkin Juice". I will surely offend
many people and many people's sensibilities with this, and if you
are easily offended, you should be the first to read. Why? To amuse
me. So lighten up and get ready to be extremely weirded out, because
this is some crazy crap.
I dedicate this crackfic to Molly because
her encouragement and enthusiasm about the idea got me writing this
in the first place. May there be many more to come.
Please do enjoy.
Something In The Giraffe Meat
Chapter 1: Wildebeests Don't ExistLegolas leaned against a tree, waiting impatiently for Aragorn. He and the human had decided to go hunting to provide food for the fellowship, but despite Aragorn's elven upbringing, he was slow as a cow.
They were somewhere somewhere in a random overgrown forest that only the stealthiest forest-dwellers could slink through. Only a little light could show through the knotted and clustered branches and the air was thick and dank.
Suddenly Legolas' cute, pointed ears twitched. Something nearby had shuffled suspiciously among some bushes, and though he could not see it, he knew it wasn't Aragorn. The human might be slow as boobs but he certainly knew better than to make noise whilst sneaking.
The shuffle reached him again, now closer. He took out his bow and knocked an arrow to it, his sleek, delicious, succulent and otherwise extremely satisfying muscles taut like a god.
Just then an albino giraffe leapt gracefully from the depths of the brambles, red hued orbs glinting tenderly in the dappled sunlight.
So Legolas killed it. :D
"This meat is wonderful!" Frodo exclaimed. Legolas grinned toothily, proud of his catch. They had been eating the albino giraffe all day and everyone, including the elf, felt a little strange.
"What was this beast, Legolas?" Boromir asked giddily.
"I don't know," Legolas said, and looked at Gandalf. "Do you recognize it?"
"Nay," said Gandalf, "but it has a long neck, horn-like appendages, a giant tongue and flabbergasting ears, so it must be a duck."
"You are very wise," Boromir said, and winked.
Gandalf stared. "Did you just wink at me?"
Boromir couldn't help but smirk. "Only if you wanted me to."
"SO ANYWAY," Aragorn interjected quickly.
"I enjoy flapping Legolas' jowls," said Gimli.
Everyone lol'd.
The fellowship continued on, happy as ducks, and left the random forest behind. Soon they came upon a bubbling brooke. The rather confused fellowship pondered over a way to get to the other side.
"Perhaps we should gallop under the brooke," Pippin suggested.
Legolas shook his face. "I'm an elf, I know everything about brooks. We should sit here and pamper ourselves until a wildebeest comes to whisk us away."
Aragorn rolled his eyes, "Legolas, wildebeests don't exist. All humans know a thing or two about water, and it's that you should never be whisked away by a wildebeest on Tuesday."
"Will you two ever stop bickering?" Boromir demanded. "Why can't we build a bridge of love over the brooke? That will surely stop the wildebeests from whisking us away."
Gandalf beat everyone over the head, "You nincompoops! Don't be stupid. You're all so wrong. We must poop in the brooke until we've built a wall of poop and leap over it like a gallant wildebeest."
Merry shook his head. "I respect you, Gandalf, but I don't think that's quite right. Maybe we could just wade through the water. It doesn't look very deep."
"Shut up, Merry, that's ridiculous," said Samwise. "We should seek out the Russians and utilize their intense ability to grow sasquatch plants and ride the sasquatch over to the other side."
"Sam, you're dumb. Go eat a sandwich," said Gimli.
Then they had a baby.
