I Love You
Blaine's POV
Kurt and I sat next to each other on the plane ride as we traveled to NYC for Regional's. As we flew we talked about everything from the weather to how thrilled we were to be going to Regional's. Then about an hour into the flight the pilot came over the intercom and said we'd be experiencing some turbulence, but that it was nothing to be alarmed about. Right after he finished the plane started shaking and jerking from side to side, and I knew that this was not normal turbulence. No sooner had I thought this that the oxygen masks came down. Kurt and I immediately put them on and then the plane went into a nose dive. I grabbed Kurt's hand and looked at him, as I did I saw the terror in his eyes. We sat there for a moment just looking at each other, and then we heard a crash and looked forward. I saw something fly toward me. The next thing I knew Kurt pulled his hand from mine and threw himself in front of me. Then everything went black.
"Blaine… Blaine?"
I could hear a voice calling my name. I used all the strength I could find to open my eyes. I heard the voice again, but this time I saw a face too.
"Hey, Aunt Lynn" It came out more like "eh, 'nt 'nn," but it was enough to make her go hysterical.
"Mike! Mike! He woke up! He's going to be ok!"
I saw my uncle jump up and run over to my bed. When he reached me he grabbed my hand, kneeled beside my bed, and kept saying "Thank you! Oh, God Thank You! Thank you!" over and over again. Then I remembered something.
"Where's Kurt?"
I saw my aunt and uncle share a look and my breath caught in my throat. Kurt couldn't have died, I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't. Then my aunt spoke…
"For right now he's stable, but the doctors aren't sure how long he'll stay that way."
"I have to go see him." I said as I tried to get up, but my aunt put her hand on my shoulder.
"Blaine, hold on a second. We told the doctor that you'd react this way, but he wants to examine you before you can leave this room."
"Well then get him in here to examine me!"
At this point I was getting very angry. If what she was saying is true then my time with the most important person in my life was limited. I wanted to spend as much of that time with him as possible. There was so much I wanted to tell him: like how much his coming to Dalton meant to me; how he made me proud to be gay, because he was so strong and perfect; and lastly I wanted to tell him that… I loved him. Yes, I Blaine Darren Johnson was head over heels in love with one Kurt Hummel, and I had to tell him before it was too late.
While I was lost in my thoughts I never even noticed the doctor come in. I was so excited when I saw him, not only was he super fine, but I also knew that I was one step closer to seeing him and I needed to see him very badly. The examination went by in a blur, I hardly remember any of it, but I do remember the doctor calling in a nurse with a wheelchair, and the next thing I knew I was holding the hand and looking in to the sleeping face of the most amazing boy in the whole world.
His face was badly scared and messed up, but he still looked perfect to me. I knew those scars were my fault. Those scars should have been mine. That should be me laying in this bed with Kurt standing looking over me. It was all my fault! Kurt leaned in front of that object flying at me. He gave himself for me and there was nothing I could ever do or say that could repay that.
I wanted to pour out my heart right then. I wanted to try and make it up to him, tell him I'm sorry, tell him I love him and make him swear not to leave me, but the words wouldn't come. All I could do was sit there hold his hand and cry. Then all of the sudden I hear my name. I look up and see Kurt's beautiful face smiling up at me. That moment was the happiest I'd ever been.
"Kurt! I'm so sorry! I love you and I don't want to lose you! I can't lose you! Promise me you'll never leave me. I need you Kurt."
Kurt just sat there smiling up at me. Then he motioned me forward so I leaned in. The next thing I knew he pressed his lips to mine. I never wanted this moment to end. I wanted to always feel his lips pressed to mine, and to forever have our tongues fighting for dominance. Unfortunately we're only human and we need air. When we broke apart I heard him say "I love you too Blaine."
We looked into each other's eyes, they said for us all that we wanted to say but couldn't find the right words. We sat like that for who knows how long. Then after a while we heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. We look up and see Wes, David, Kurt's step-brother Finn, Kurt's best girlfriend Mercedes, and about 10 other teens I could only assume was New Directions. They were all just standing starring at us.
"Sorry to interrupt, but the doctor saw that you were awake and said we could come in." Finn said.
"It's fine, you didn't really interrupt anything." Kurt said. Then he looked at me. "Blaine I don't think you've met all of the New Directions yet. You know Finn, that's his girlfriend Rachel." He pointed to a brunette girl holding hands with Finn. Kurt continued. "Next to them are Artie and Brittany." He was referring to a guy in a wheelchair and the blonde girl beside him. "Then behind all of them we have Mike, Tina, Puck, and Santana." Here he pointed to a very adorable Asian couple and a guy with a mohawk with his arm around the shoulders of a very tan girl with dark hair. "Then finally we have Sam, Quinn, Lauren, and you already know Mercedes." Here he pointed to a blonde haired boy holding hands with a blonde haired boy (they kind of reminded me of Ken and Barbie) and lastly was a very chubby girl with glasses standing next to Mercedes."
"Nice to meet you," I said as I checked out Kurt's former Glee club.
"And New Directions, This is Blaine." There was a chorus of "Hi's" "nice to meet you's" "sup's" and one "He has nice hair" (I think this was the blonde with the guy in the wheelchair, Brittany)
Then Kurt spoke again "Wes, David it's nice to see you guys. Good to know you didn't get too damaged in the crash."
That's when I actually looked at them. Wes had what looked like stitches on his forehead with a brace on his wrist. David had a cast on his leg, but like Kurt said they looked a lot better than Kurt did, and probably better than I did.
We sat there talking for a while with a few medicine breaks, usually putting either me or Kurt to sleep. We stayed this way until a nurse came in and said that visiting hours were over, but that I could sit with Kurt for a little while longer. We said goodbye to our friends and then soon enough Kurt and I were alone. I reached for his hand and leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the lips.
"You know I'm kind of glad for all of the bad things that have happened to me." Kurt said."I mean if Puck hadn't been such a jerk I never would have spied at Dalton and met you and then if Karofsky hadn't threatened me I never would have transferred to Dalton landing me on a plane to Regional's with you and if said plane hadn't crashed then I might never would have known that you love me."
"Well maybe that that just proves that everything happens for a reason. Plus I have no doubt that I would have told you that I love you sooner or later." I said giving his hand a squeeze.
"Blaine… Would you sleep here tonight? I'm scared of being here by myself."
He sounded so young and terrified that even though I knew we'd probably get in trouble I agreed and climbed into bed with him. I put my arms around him and pulled him close. He laid his head on my chest and soon he was fast asleep. I sat there just watching his peaceful figure then before I knew it I muttered a quick "I love you Kurt Hummel" and I was soon fast asleep.
"Blaine that's not fair and you know it!"
Of course I knew that turning off the TV and stealing Kurt's remote and cell phone placing them out of reach was unfair considering that he couldn't get out of bed, but drastic times call for drastic measures.
"I don't care. I want some alone time with my boyfriend is that so much to ask? Please?" I said that last word in my irresistible pleading voice complete with puppy dog face.
"But Blaine we have alone time EVERYNIGHT!"
Of course he was right. The doctors and nurses had seen us together on that first night and just couldn't bring themselves to separate them. So for the past four weeks we'd spent every night even for the past three weeks while I wasn't a patient. I was there with him every day. When I wasn't at school or Warblers practice I was there by his side holding his hand. Unfortunately there was always someone else there like his dad, step-mom, New Direction members, and every now and then a Warbler would stop bye, so this was a very rare occasion. Even though Kurt and I did have our alone time each night I still wanted more of our special time.
"But Baby this is a rare occasion and we should make the most of it." I was still sporting my puppy dog face.
Kurt let out a sigh. "Ok we'll do something special. Bring the remote over here climb in bed and we are going to watch Dirty Dancing." He looked at me with a look of achievement because he knew I couldn't resist that movie. So I got the remote and climbed into bed. After Kurt and I got settled in each other's arms and soon we were engrossed in Baby and Jonny's immortal love story. We sat there watching and soon it was time for that epic last dance. I started singing "I've had the Time of My Life" quietly in Kurt's ear. Then I stop at the part where the girl starts singing hoping he'll pick it up. When Kurt stays silent I expect he just fell asleep. I shake him and call his name trying to get him up. When he doesn't respond I start freaking out. I call the nurse who rushes into the room, quickly takes Kurt's pulse, and then rushes me out of the room and tells me to sit in the hall. By the time Burt, Carol, and Finn get there it feels like I've been sitting there for years. As soon as she spots me Carol rushes over and engulfs me in a bone crushing hug. Then soon after they arrive the doctor comes over and calls Burt and Carol away for a moment. Finn and I sit there in silence for a while when finally Burt and Carol return. Burt had his arm around Carol who was crying into a tissue and even Burt had tears in his eyes so I knew there was something very wrong. Carol came to sit beside me while Burt puts his hand on Finn's shoulder. Then after a few moments he spoke.
"The doctors did everything they could, but there was just too much damage. He's gone."
Those two words cut me like a knife. Kurt couldn't be gone. He was so full of life just a few hours ago. They were lying to me… they had to be. It just couldn't be true. I jumped up and ran toward Kurt's room calling his name. I could hear Burt, Carol, and Finn calling after me but I didn't care. They were lying to me and I had to see Kurt. Then I felt two strong arms around me and I collapse crying. I didn't even care whose arms they were, all that mattered was that they were there. After a few moments I look to see who was holding me and I recognize the doctor that had treated me and assisted with Kurt.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save him." He said. "The damage was just too severe. After laying on the arm rest for so long and then the force of the crash… It was just too much for his organs to handle. In all honesty we didn't even expect him to make it this long, but he had something he wanted to live for. He had you, Blaine."
We were standing again at this point and we just stood there in silence before the doctor spoke again. "Would you like to see him?"
I had to think for a moment… did I want to see him? See the empty shell of the person I loved or just remember him as he was so young and alive? Then I thought about what Kurt would have wanted…
"No." I finally said. "Kurt wouldn't have wanted me to. He'd want me to remember him as he was."
With that I turned around and walked away. Then after shaking hands with Burt and Finn and giving Carol one last hug I went home.
About a week after Kurt's death Burt and Carol held a funeral for him. They ask me if I'd say a few words, sing a song, and be one of the pal-bearers and of course I couldn't refuse. So here I am sitting in the front row, getting ready to speak about the one person I ever truly loved. Then all of the sudden it was my turn. I stood up and went behind the podium looking out at the sea of people that loved Kurt just as much as I.
"Um, Hi, I'm Blaine Johnson. I was Kurt's boyfriend. I loved Kurt as I'm sure many of you did, but I got to see the Kurt that no one else got to see. The Kurt that most people saw was the outgoing crazy yet collected Kurt, but that's not the Kurt I saw. I saw the scared, vulnerable Kurt. I saw the Kurt that was trying to do math homework while typing an English paper at the same time while eating breakfast, because he stayed up all night watching RENT. That's the Kurt I knew and that's the Kurt I love. Not 'loved' because as long as I have these memories of him he'll always be in my heart, but he will always be missed." I paused for a moment and then began gathering my things for my song as I spoke again "The Family asked me if I'd sing a song today and of course I had to say 'Yes'" So I chose a song from this great online musical that Kurt and I once watched together. I've had to change a few of the words to fit this situation, but the meaning is still the same. So here goes."
I can't remember dad
And I can't remember mom
Aunts and uncles aren't quite the same
(Now I love my aunt and uncle but it's really not the same as if they were my birth parents)
But I had him
And life seemed fair
Yes I had him
And he was there
To give me strength
Show concern
Ask for nothing in return
Say 'Hello'
Walk me through
Do the things that [boyfriends] should do
(Here my mind drifted off to those late nights at Dalton in our hall common area when Kurt and I would just sit there and talk about anything and everything_
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
There it is he's gone and he's [left] me [here] to [cry]
But when I had him
My life was fine
When I had him
He was mine
He'd share his thoughts
Be a friend
Stick with me until the end
(Here my mind did a flashback to the first day that I met him when he was telling me about his troubles at McKinley and then it fast forward to that final day when we watched Dirty Dancing together and it stayed here for a little while longer)
Watch a movie
Roller-skate (even though we had never actually roller-skated I figured I'd leave it in there)
Fill the world with [love] and [cake]
(Here my mind went to the day when Kurt and I spent all day making a cake to share with the Warblers after practice and then we remembered that we didn't have rehearsal that day so Wes, David, Kurt, and I ate the whole thing.)
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Now I'm all alone
Now you're gone for good
Now I'm stuck right here wishing I understood
You gave me hope when my [notes] weren't right
(I remembered one day in particular when Kurt was helping me practice for Regional's and there was one note that I messed up every time and finally Kurt had, had enough. He came over to me and punched me very hard in the arm and said that every time I messed up the punches would get harder and harder. The next time we went through it I didn't mess up. I remember Kurt saying "The Hummel method… works every time")
You gave me someone to hold every night
(Here my mind drifted of to those nights in the hospital and it stayed there for the rest of the song)
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
I'm just missing you
I'm just missing you
As I finished there was a moment of silence and then everyone broke into applause and there was not a dry eye in that whole place.
Then it was finally time to take the casket to the gravesite. I watched as everyone said their last goodbyes and laid flowers on the top of the casket. Finally it was my turn. I walked up to the casket, laid my flower down, and stood there for a few moments before I spoke. "Kurt, I love you and I always will. I know that you want me to move on and find someone else, and I promise I'll try, for you, but Kurt there won't ever be someone else like you. I love you."
Fin
