Dormata
I'm dying.
Slowly, slowly I'm dying.
It is as if though my body has forgotten how to breath. It has become so heavy, so full of pain. I can't breath.
When his face… when his face is slowly being drawn into that… when he's covered by that… that thing… all I want to do is scream. Scream, shout, cry. Let go of all the horrors inside of me.
I want to wake up. Wake up from this nightmare that is the worst of all my nightmares. This is the one I never dared to really face, the only of my fears that has finally come true: the reality of living without you. And it hits me, in this moment, with full force it hits me. I can't.
I can't, Jack. I can't.
I can't live without knowing you're there. I can't live without that stupid expression you wear when pretending you've understood what I've said. I can't live without your pats on my shoulder, telling me that its ok. I can't live without you trying to win over me when doing the Sunday crossword. I can't live without your smile, especially not that one that plays in the corner of your mouth.
I can't Jack.
And I tried to tell you. I tried. And you said: I know. I know.
I know too. And I have for a long while. I've known.
And you're disappearing. You're being drawn into some alien device that has just saved the planet, but I don't care about the planet. I care about you!
My heart is being ripped out. It's like all the pains in the entire world is in me. Because I am loosing someone I always pictured would be there. You were a safe bet, remember? No, you don't. That wasn't you, I know.
I try to be strong but not even my military training is in use here. I've met something stronger. I've met you. And I've lost you. Jeez, Jack. I've lost you twice these latest months. Don't make it a third. Oh, please don't make it a third!
Not you. Janet was tough. Yes, she was my friend.
But you…
You're more than that.
And all I manage is to place my hand on whatever it is that's holding you. It's cold.
Not like you, Jack. I need you! Stay with me! Come on! Wake up, smile at us, say that it's ok, say that it was just a quick nap á la the Ancients, ask if someone recorded the Simpson's. Do something!
But you're eyes are forever resting on the spot where I stood, where I will always stand. Because I can't go on without you.
