Title: Sanrio Knights
Author: Acerbic
Time: Post Chosen / NFA
Rating: PG-13 (A swear word or two)
Part 1 – Meet the Flintstones
Gary, Indiana
June 2007
I hate Indiana. The place is full of really nasty bloodsuckers, and I don't mean just the vampires. The mosquitoes hang in the air, drifting amidst dancing lightning bugs like little stealth fighters waiting to zip in and stick ya. Who knows? Maybe they are vampires in disguise. I envision a special breed of vampires, unknown to the Watchers, who possess the ability to change into blood-sucking bugs the way some other do into wolves and bats.
My hand smacked at one of the little monsters currently drilling a hole in my arm; my other hand was full, holding up a pair of night vision binoculars so I could peer down into the Restful Cemetery below at the base of the hill. We had the entire cemetery under surveillance from all sides, ultra sensitive mikes picking up every cricket chirp and moth flutter. My perimeter was the north fence, which sat just at the base of the hill. I was above that, watching from a safe distance and acting as the team coordinator.
I finished scanning the perimeter of the cemetery. "Hello Kitty, there are those two vampires near the south wall. No sign of the target," I said into the tiny microphone that was part of my headset. The receiver lodged in my ear enabled me to hear everything that was said. Every member of my team wore one. We all have code names too. Mine is Cinnamoroll. Cinn for short.
"Roger that, changing my heading," said Peggy AKA Hello Kitty. The slayer did so, but meandered, not taking a direct path there because it'd blow her cover. Likewise, her mike and earpiece were both concealed. It was her job to patrol the graveyard, and to act as vamp bait.
You know, cute stupid teenage girl alone in a cemetery at midnight? Vampires could smell it a mile off, and amazingly, always came running. You think they'd be smarter. The scenario practically screams, "Slayer!" A staggering number of incredibly stupid bloodsuckers fall for it.
"Any sign of Badtz Maru?" I said, using the target's code name, showing my anxiety in a hundred little ways. I'd already asked that question way too many times tonight, pleading on a high n' squeaky tone for one of my girls to deliver the goods.
"All clear on the west perimeter," said Sasha, a tall and nubile African American slayer who went by the code name Chococat. All of the members of my team are Americans, though, from different parts of the country.
"Likewise over here in the east," said Ling Ling, code name Pandapple. The Asian enchantress wasn't a slayer. Instead, she handles all things that are mo n' jo for my team. She's not Willow – not by a long shot – but she can hold her own in a spell-off.
"Ditto other than the two known hostiles," said Blake who was covering the south wall. Blake was a member of the Initiative and likes to use lots of military lingo. He's also the only guy on the team – our token male. He takes care of the equipment and is a great marksman. He refuses to use a "Hello Kitty" code name but the girls call him Chi Chai Monchan behind his back. Shhh, don't tell him.
Our unit is called the Sanrio Knights. Cute? Yes, we are. Even Blake who has dreamy brown eyes and a generous mouth and a strong jaw, and is so incredibly handsome… He's smart too, except that he's an idiot about the things that matter. Stoopid man.
I'm a Watcher by the way. Did I mention that? I watch. (And give orders.) It's what I do. Isn't that tight?
"Calm down, Cinn," Sasha drawled. "He'll show. He comes through here every night at about the same time."
"Right, I'm calm," I said even though I wasn't. I had all the symptoms of stage fright or first date terror. I'd been hyperventilating into the mike. Dry scratchy throat. Racing heart. Sweaty palms. ShowShowShow, it was a nervous chant in my head, distracting me from doing my job of Watching.
"Oh, I'm so mad at my boyfriend for not showing for our secret assignation," Peggy announced loudly as she neared the area where the two vampires had been spotted.
Peggy is petite and blonde, and incredibly cute. She has big baby blues and the cutest little button nose, and looks just like a pretty little china doll. She's the perfect bait when we're trolling – all except for the fact that she's way smarter than she looks.
"Hello Kitty, dumb it down," I said, exasperated. Jesus. These vampires probably weren't Rhodes Scholars but how dumb could they be?
Peggy muttered a rebellious reply, and then more loudly, "Right."
Luckily, there really wasn't time for more talking. The pair of vampires had taken the bait, and were heading for Peggy. One was a huge, hulking, scruffy Harley Davidson type rider with 'Mom' tattooed on his arm. Naturally, his companion was Barney Rubble short, but equally massive in a barrel-shaped capacity. Between them there was enough facial and body hair to cover a dozen normal people. The first time I'd spotted them I'd wondered whether they were werewolves, but my slayers had all assured me that they were undead.
Peggy let loose with an shrill ear-splitting scream. The amplified mike picked it up and times it by a thousand, shattering my eardrum. I winced and grabbed for my earpiece.
Good thing Peggy cut her girlish shriek of terror short cause her performance had just about deafened our entire team. Curses rang across the line, and general chaos erupted. Faster than a blink, the two vampires were on top of Peggy.
"HELP!" Peggy shouted, and it came through at more manageable level this time. Ling Ling must've adjusted the volume control.
"I'm being attacked by big scary men with funny looking teeth!" Peggy piped at the top of her falsetto, manifesting a very convincing fear all big eyes and trembling.
There's a good reason we always let Peggy be the bait. She's great at it.
"All the better to eat you with, my dear," said Fred Flintstone who apparently had at least a marginal, if not original, sense of humor. The huge vampire grabbed for Peggy who skillfully evaded while making it look like she'd accidentally stumbled clear.
"Should we go in?" Sasha demanded, straining at the bit. Her eagerness hummed along the radio, buzzing in my ear.
"Wait for it!" I said, tense and ready to spring. "Wait wait wait…" Barney began to circle to the left of Peggy; Fred to the right.
"I've got him!" Blake shouted so suddenly that I gave a little shriek and jumped clean out of my skin. "Badtz Maru just passed me! Fuck! He's fast!"
"Yes! Yesyesyes!" I shouted with a burst of joy, sounding embarrassingly close to a woman experiencing a climax. I didn't care. I performed a quick Snoopy dance and then glued my face to the binoculars again.
A melodramatic blur of lithe figure clad in billowy leather coat cleared the fence, using his arms for support and swinging his legs just like a gymnast. He was beautiful: shiny and striking. He landed and advanced with that cocky swagger that said he was Big N' Bad – master vampire.
"Nice work, boys," Spike drawled, sauntering up to Fred and Barney who'd turned slightly toward the newcomer. "I'll take it from here."
"Close on the target!" I instructed my team, drooling with predatory intent. So excited that I was ready to wet my pants. "Go Go Go Go Go!"
End Part 1.
