My reason for living

P.O.V. Deeks

(Plane home from Afghanistan)

I can't believe she's dead. She can't be dead; I love her and we never got the chance to be together. It's all my fault she's dead. If I hadn't let my emotions get in the way then Kensi would still be alive right now. That's the problem though. I let my emotions control me; got her sent away and killed and now I can't change what's happened, it's too late. I wish Hetty had just sent me instead of Kensi. Kensi did nothing wrong, it was all me. As I sit here stuck in my thoughts, I see Sam get up from his seat and walk over to wear I sit

" I know this is hurting you most Deeks. You and Kensi were more than just partners and I know you loved her, but she loved you too and wouldn't want you to dwell on her death, okay. I just wanted to let you know that"

I know that I will probably continue to dwell on it but instead of saying that I just say "Thanks, I'll try my best not to"

-Page Break-

After being de-briefed I sat down at my desk and stared at Kensi's desk. Well, I guess Kensi's old desk. I'll probably have to get use to saying stuff like that now. Suddenly I just can't hold it in anymore and I start crying. I cry for the pain of losing a partner, my best friend and my love; my everything. I cry for losing my only reason for living; the only person who kept me sane. What do I do now that she's gone? I just can't do this; I can't live in a world where there is not Kensi. Out of the corner of my eye I see my gun and I know what I have to do to make the ache in my chest go away. I want to join Kensi and spend forever with her. I reach across my desk for the gun and as I pick it up I hear someone behind me ask "What are you doing Deeks." I turn around to see Sam giving me a tired and worried look

"I'm going to join Kensi" I say numbly.

At those words I see Sam's eyes widen and he starts to slowly approach me.

"Deeks, you don't want to do this. Just put the gun down and we can talk, okay"

"I can't Sam; it hurts too much without her. She was my only reason for living and now that's she's gone, I don't see a point in living anymore"

"Deeks, we can get you grieve counselling and you can move on from this"

"I can't get over her and even if I could, I wouldn't want to move on and forget about her"

"Please don't do this" Sam says desperately "Callen and me can't lose you too"

"I'm sorry" I say holding the gun to my head.

"No" Sam shouts as I pull the trigger.

Then everything goes black.