My name is Lucy, no last name, just Lucy. Although I so rarely go by Lucy, choosing to change my alias into far more exciting things. Currently, my name is Nicole Moore. I am a Life Guardian Angel. Life Guardian Angels are assigned to a person far before they're born. I am assigned to a specific person who I'm supposed to protect. I am to lead them down the right path, be a shoulder for them to cry on, and take a bullet for them if absolutely necessary. I watch over them their entire lives until the day they die, and then I leave and go off to guard another person. Right now, I'm protecting an amazing, wonderful woman named Quinn. It sounds weird, why would somebody need protecting when God has already laid out his or her fate? See, the thing that most people don't know is that he hasn't. God lays out two different paths for each person. He constantly leaves options and decisions open and allows the human to make them, they can either take the right path or the wrong path. When somebody cheats on a test or does something so drastic as to murder another human being it's not God's doing, it's what the human chose to do. I am only here to hopefully be a positive influence, and even if the human chooses the wrong thing, to stick by them and be their other option so they can always redeem themselves no matter what they've done.
I think people often get wrapped up in the myth of angels. They think it's so incredible to fly, to meet God, to enter Heaven, to live forever, and to have powers humans can only dream of. It is incredible to do that and have all that, but people often forget that angels are tied to God; they are held to a timeless, honored responsibility to protect both God and his loved creations. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for my existence and feeling his love surround me all the time, I could never leave his side and I could never imagine giving up every single gift that comes with being an angel, but sometimes it's hard. Our entire purpose in life is to live for others, but that doesn't mean we don't have our own feelings and inhibitions.
There was a time when I had considered sacrificing my angel to become a human. I had been young and in love with a beautiful man named James Fabray who had the kindest soul I'd ever seen. He would take the shirt off his back to help a complete stranger and take a bullet for a prostitute working only to spend her money on drugs. I had been ready to shed all the darkness I see every day and finally be free to love him, but I just couldn't give everything up. Being an angel is all I've ever known. What would it be like out there? I'd followed many people's lives over the years, but it's not that simple. Serving God is an honor bestowed to few. I am among the holiest and I have done the right and moral thing my whole life. Giving up my angel would be selfish of me. I would be going against my nature, because I'd know I was doing the wrong thing.
Now I'm here, centuries later, still an angel, still vicariously living through someone else's life. I watch them, age with them, fall in love with them, share inside jokes with them, unshakable love with them, until I finally watch them die because in a cruel twist of fate everybody can die but me. Instead I was chosen to live on, an existence I can never escape. It's the worst thing in the world. I come to know people, marvelous fantastical people that have done things for this world that perhaps even God himself may not be able to do alone, and then I watch them die.
**143**
"It's my time now darling," says Quinn with a shaky breath. "It's time for you to let go." Her husband, Jim, takes a deep, tremulous breath. His hand continues to grip to hers as if his life depended on it, caressing it ever so softly with his thumb. The love he felt for her was conspicuous. You could see it in his deep, expressive eyes. He looked at her with nothing but admiration and sincere, pure warmth and intimacy. To her, she would pass happily on to the next life as long as he was by her side.
Jim didn't respond. His quivering breaths spoke the volumes he couldn't say. At any moment he would crack and break. We all knew that if he spoke now he would cry. We all knew that if he cried she wouldn't be able to take it. He was her rock in this mess of a life. She needed him to stay strong and he forced himself to. He needed somebody to lean on, but refused to burden his wife of fifty-four years with his pain. He loved her too much.
"Your going to be alright mom," says her son, Brian. He's standing on her other side, holding her hand. He's been silent this whole time, understanding this is a personal moment for his parents. "Wherever you end up you'll be treated with a hero's welcome and when the time comes we'll all be there with you, waiting for you to cook us some of your famous pot roast." His eye twinkles with a mischievous sadness.
"I love you Brian, but don't be too eager to join me. Okay?" I notice her left hand tighten around his.
"I promise. I love you mom." He kisses her forehead like she's being blessed.
"I love you too Brian. My only son," she says admiringly, caressing her son's cheek. You better produce me some amazing grandkids with that girlfriend of yours! She's a keeper. I like her."
"You got it mom," he promises. The love between mother and son is clear as day.
"Nicole," she manages to gurgle out of her throat. I quickly jump out of the chair as if I'm only twenty-six, ignoring my façade. I'm masquerading as seventy-five years old and with growing arthritis pains.
"Even in death you look more beautiful than you did all those years ago," I comment in awe. Her hair used to be a stunning chestnut brown and her cheeks lit up with a vibrant red color. Now her hair was a thinning, weary grey and her cheeks were pale, lacking their color. It doesn't matter. Somehow her beauty still remains. It's in her eyes, lined with crows feet symbolizing her old age, that light up perhaps even more luminescence than when she was younger. It's in her movements that are more precise and despite her worn-out limbs still fighting to the end with exuberance and pep. It's in the way that she loves with her whole heart and never gives up, much like an innocent, young child who believes they can still do anything. She is still beautiful.
"Don't you lie to me," she chastises teasingly. Her broken body manages to raise a tsk-ing finger at me.
"They say that once a person is dead, that's when you have to start being all nicey-nice and regretful. Don't think your getting that treatment early! You're not dead yet," I poke at her with a happy smile. In that moment it's just us again. I can pretend she's not about to be willingly unplugged from the machines that are keeping her alive and we're still only thirty years old, just for that moment.
"I will be soon," she says. Her voice is still joking but gloom soon mixes in. Fantasy Over. Reality is back.
The somber sound of the silent hospital washes over me. The beep of her heartbeat and her soft breathing are the only noises. I've been through this so many times. I've been around since the dawn of time. I've been a guardian angel to hundreds of people in this world and I've had to say goodbye to every single one of them. This one's harder. She was more than an assignment, as all of them were, but she was also more than just a friend. She had been my best friend for almost the last hundred years and she had been a truly beautiful soul. If soul mates do truly exist for angels than Quinn would be mine—platonically. They warn us not to get too attached to our "assignments." Every Life Guardian Angel knows that's nearly impossible. When your entrusted to watch over somebody from the beginning of their life to the end, watching them grow over the years and slowly befriending them, a bond is made that cannot be easily broken, if at all.
"I love you Quinn, you know that right?" I ask. My hand latches onto hers. This was always the worst part. There are times when your assignment might die, but you know it's not their time yet so you're supposed to stop it. You know that there's still something you can do to save them and you try your damndest to do so, because that's your job here on earth. Times like this, when you know that they're meant to die and there's nothing you can do about it, these are the times that suck.
"Of course I know that Nicole," she says sincerely. "I love you too. You were my best friend."
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Dr. Stevens patiently enters the room. He walks in with a feel of warmth and comfort for Quinn but I can read his thoughts and his aura. He's a sick human being. Inside he's confident and arrogant. He's determined to get the promotion at the hospital and is working on his bedside manner for it. He can't wait for Quinn to die so he can get on with his line of work. It's sickening. I'm going mad near this vile excuse for a human being. I can't believe God could create something so… heartless. "Is the family ready?" His voice drips of false concern.
I grit my teeth and ignore the perverse doctor for a moment as I focus all of my love and concentration on Quinn. I give her an apprehensive look, asking the silent question. She nods. You'd think that after my years of experience I'd be better at letting people go, accepting God's wishes in peace. No. I continue to hold on when I shouldn't and the pain still follows me everywhere.
"I love you my Quinn," says Jim, gripping her hand like it's the last life preserver left.
"I love you too Jim, more than you'll ever comprehend." She uses all her strength to lift his hand to her mouth, placing a small kiss.
"Goodbye Mom," says Brian. He grips her other hand like it's the end of the world. I grab his free hand to help relieve him of his pain as well as help ease mine. He grips hard.
"I'll be seeing you," I say. We both know each other so well. This is our version of 'I love you.' It doesn't need to be said to know it's there.
You better not anytime soon," she jokes back. Maybe sooner than you think…
"Are you ready?" The doctor asks. Both Jim and Quinn nod their heads. Slowly, the doctor begins unplugging the equipment sustaining Quinn's life and the machine measuring her heartbeat begins beeping slower and slower.
Brian's hand grips mine so tightly I think it might be turning purple, but I'm sure I'm doing the same to his. My free hand rests on Quinn's thigh as the pace slows to an almost dull spike. It's only seconds now.
Beep
..Beep
...Beep
... ...Beep
...Beep
...Beep
...Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The haunting sounds of the flat line echo against the empty room. Jim's tears finally explode as he mourns the death of his wife, his lover, and his soul mate. Brian's tears are more controlled, dripping slowly down his face. Despite their lesser appearance they mean just as much as his father's.
"Quinn. Oh my Quinn," moans out Jim through his heavy sobs. I go around to the other side of the bed to comfort him. I lay a hand on his back and hug him closely. I've known him for years. I practically introduced him and her.
It's only until Brian gently brushes away a stray tear on my cheek that I realize I'm crying. I haven't cried for somebody's death in a very long time. I haven't cried for anything in a very long time.
Five Years Later:
Year: 2013
Heaven. People look forward to heaven. They hope they arrive here. Some anticipate majestic gardens and a place in which to enjoy the rest of their forever in peace. Some expect soccer fields and never ending fun. Some even believe Heaven is simply a state of mind. It is whatever you imagine it to be. Some aren't convinced that it exists at all. If you'd like to know the truth I can tell you exactly what Heaven is. Heaven is nothing. Heaven is a never-ending empty, blank space. Heaven is everything. Heaven is filled with all your wildest imaginations and dreams. Heaven is nothing and everything. It sounds insane but that's the best way to describe the undescribable.
It's been nearly five human years since Quinn's death. I've managed to cope with her death. The peace that Heaven brings is healing. The eternal, empty nothingness I'm surrounded by is everything I need. It's given me the proper time to meditate and come to terms with her death.
In truth, I have visited Quinn more than a couple of times. It's been nice to see her. She's content. Her husband joined her four years after her passing. She couldn't be happier. It helps me to see her, so I know that she ended up happily in a better place. The scars on my heart have been stitched up and faded.
The time off has been nice. I haven't been home in a very long time. Of course, on Earth I can meditate and my mind can visit Heaven, but my physical existence has not been here in a very long time.
"Lucy?"
My eyes open lazily from their meditative state. He truly is an angel. His brown hair is about shoulder length and sweeps down across his face in a way that makes me just want to reach out and run my fingers through it. "Hello Michael," I say fondly. Michael and I have been old friends since the beginning of time. Our paths even crossed a few times as we watched over humanity. When he saved an innocent bystander as well as his assignment from death, Michael's bold contribution to the world earned him a place as one of God's archangels, while I just remained a Life Guardian Angel.
"Hello Lucy," he replies back, admiringly. "Your beauty seems to have grown over these years."
"As has yours Michael," I reply. I haul myself off of the non-existent 'ground' and give him a kiss on the cheek. "It has been too long my good friend."
"Indeed, but I'm afraid that I am not here for pleasure," he says, turning far more serious, as if it he wasn't already intensely serious to begin with.
"Do you carry a message from Him?" I ask, staying as formal as possible. I much prefer staying professional, that's what's nice about Heaven. I am expected to be professional, but when I'm on Earth I have to act in an absolutely atrocious manner, eating hamburgers like a pig and speaking in slang. Hideous.
"There's been a disturbance," says Michael gravely. We both know what it means.
"Satan." It's not a question. It's a statement. Michael nods in agreement with me. "What has happened?"
"A young, foolish girl has performed a séance and summoned a demon," he reports. I audibly gasp and bring my hand up to my mouth. He stays calm, always the strong and fearless messenger. "It turns out that this girl used to… have intercourse with another female named Santana," Michael cringes. God has always accepted gays, he made them that way, he created their fate and has always loved the idea of two people together, no matter the gender, but Michael is still a bit hesitant. He's not a homophobe but he's not exactly supportive of same-sex relationships. I, on the other hand, support them. "Their fate was pre-written to be friends and an experience to remember but never to end up together, but when this young girl performed the séance it completely rewrote their fates. She's asked the demon to force Santana to love her back and we both know there's nothing more sacred than love." There's a warning in his words. He, and every other angel, knows of my story with love. "By changing His plans this girl, Santana, is in danger and must be protected. He feels you are ready for this responsibility. Since the devil's work has entered her life she will never be safe from it and must be watched over for the rest of her life. You are to become Santana Lopez's life guardian angel. I know it's a bit of a peculiar case, coming in so late to her life, but then again, you excel in peculiar situations."
"The Romeo and Juliet situation?" I ask. That was a tough time. Juliet's sleeping potion had accidentally woken her up before Romeo arrived. I took a major risk by revealing to he that I was an angel, which of course made her pass out. Thankfully, she awoke quickly after Romeo's demise. She had asked me would she go to heaven and see Romeo. For some reason, tears welded in my eyes. I had known that the two were destined to die in the name of true love, but it still had such an effect on me. I had been watching over the couple, back in the days where life guardian angels didn't integrate themselves into their assignments' lives, and it broke my heart to see such unbridled passion destroyed by fate. I had nodded. Then she stabbed herself in the stomach and joined her fair Romeo.
"You made a daring yet well-planned decision. Where demons and devilry are involved we need a mind like yours," responds Michael.
"Thank you," I respond. "But I am not so sure I can fulfill such a responsible roll. I haven't guarded another human for five years."
Michael lays a tender hand on my shoulder. I can practically feel the power radiating off his body pulse back into mine. "He believes that you're ready. Believe in Him." I look at him, his sincere faith in God being enough for him to believe in him, to agree with his decisions without question, to fight for him, to die form him.
"Will everything be taken care of?"
"As always."
"Is there any particular name you would like?"
I've taken up a lot of names in the past, I've become one with each name and identify with all. I've been known as Sam, Nicole, Joy, Emily, Nancy, Lady Bonibelle, and many more names. Sometimes I reuse names but mostly, I like to recreate a new identity for each new life I have. This time is different. This time I'm choosing this for somebody else, for two somebody else's. "Quinn. You can call me Quinn Fabray."
You should know, that this is starting slow, but by the next chapter you should be meeting the infamous Santana.
I also have no religious alignment, I suppose is what it would be called, so therefore what I do and what I say religiously will have no meaning and no intentional harm to anybody that takes anything I do or say personally.
Finally, this is only the first chapter. This is a teaser; this is to see if anybody is interested. Updating will be sporadic at best, I could update in two days or two months although if I'm motivated enough (follows or reviews) I'll update fairly quickly if the muses lend a hand that day.
So what do you think? Are you thrilled or should this story be killed? Let me know in the comments.
