Disclaimer:
I own none of the characters in this little piece of fictional writing.
They belong to the great J.K.R. She alone created them. I'm just having fun
with them- especially Voldemort- he, he, he!
Author's Note: My first attempt at comedy, so be kind. This was originally a little bit of impromptu theatre. My friend Nile Queen and I were on a sugar high.
Harry slipped off the invisibility cloak. The silvery material was caked in snow. Harry shook it out. Then he tucked his father's cloak under his arm. Harry's green eyes became slits as he glanced left and right to make sure no one was watching. Pulling his robes closer to keep out the cold, Harry Potter stepped into the pub.
Lord Voldemort smiled from under his dark hood. His long white digits gripped the Bloody Mary tightly. Oh bliss. Here he was in this delightful hidey-hole, no one knew, he could simply enjoy a quiet drink. Yes, he would definitely come here again.
Harry brushed his unruly hair over his scar. If anyone knew he was here.! This place was worse than the Hog's Head! Harry looked round for a place to sit. All the seats were taken. Cigarette smoke wafted over. Harry wiped his eyes and looked again. Wait. There was a seat next to a guy in a black cloak at the bar.
The Dark Lord blinked. Maybe he shouldn't have ordered that third Bloody Mary. But he never got drunk. Well. *almost never*- there was that *one* time.
Harry Potter blinked. OK. perhaps the double Scotch on the rocks wasn't such a great idea. But it sounded so cool when he said it, "Oh, I'll have a double Scotch on the rocks," what did "on the rocks" mean anyway? Harry turned to the person next to him who was staring sadly at an empty cocktail glass.
"Wass on da ocks mean?" The man stared at him as if trying to remember some difficult potions recipe. "It meanss the tide'sss out..." Through the blanket of alcohol Harry's brain was desperately seeking his attention.
"How'd you get that mark on your head?" The man sounded confused. Harry thought really hard. All he could remember was.green. What was green.?
"A traffic light exploded on me," it sounded reasonable. "Are you sssure?" The man in the cloak sounded taken aback. "Yep, it killed ma dad an' mammy toooo." Harry was confused. "So. wasss your name then?" The stranger looked familiar somehow. "Haaairy, what'd'ya say yours was?" The man in black started to giggle, a high pitched, cold giggle. "Aw. c'mon you know who I am," Harry thought hard..."Nah!" The man grinned. "Yesss, you do!"
The Bartender walked over. He'd worked here long enough to know when a fight was coming, and these two looked like each other's nemesis. "Oi, you gonna pay for those drinks?!" The tall one smiled, Gordie swallowed, *those were sharp canines*, "C-c-cos they aren't free y'know!"
The small one giggled. "He's a *vampire*, I saw his eyes.!" The tall man gave a small hiss and fell off his stool. The small one- he looked like he was just a kid- laughed and jumped on top. Gordie stood there thinking. Ordinarily he'd just chuck them out. but there was something about the vampire that made his blood run cold.
Harry pushed the man out onto the snow. He had vague ideas about pelting him with snowballs. but his arms didn't want to work. The man hissed, then gave a little hiccup. Soon they were both lying face down in the snow.
"Sssooo. was the ting with da affic light?"
"I tol' you. it expowloded!"
"You ssshor it didn't. didn't. didn't. Kadav thingy?"
"Wot ya mean. why was ooo dere anyhow? You made it plode!"
"Nooo I didn't! I died!"
"What wosat like?"
"It was like... pain beyon. beyond. thingy." "Wooow."
Harry's eyes glazed over. He rolled over so he was facing the prone man. It was cold. Harry snuggled into the warmth. The man hiccupped again. His hands were freezing! Harry snuggled further into the warm, black robes.
".Ohh. that's got be worse than the Cruciatus Curse!" After swearing profusely (which just made the headache worse) Harry rolled over in bed. A MAN WAS SLEEPING beside him! The man was snuggled up under silky black sheets.
"Hello. umm. what am I doing here?" Harry shook the man's shoulders, very thin, bony shoulders. Then the strange man sat up. "Bellatrix, remind me never to get drunk again!" Harry's jaw dropped, *he was in a bed with Voldemort!!* Large red eyes stared at him in confusion. "I thought I was the only one with a detachable jaw," Then the Dark Lord seemed to recover from the shock, if not the hangover.
"May I asssk why I'm in a bed with The Boy Who Lived?" Harry didn't know what to say. Lord Voldemort seemed just as horrified as he was. "Umm. I seem to remember. traffic lights?" The Dark Lord then demonstrated that he did, in fact, have a detachable jaw. "*Traffic lights*" "Yeah," Harry wasn't even sure where *that* came from.
Just then, someone knocked on the door. "My Lord, may I enter?" One of Voldemort's pale, spidery hands shot out and, after fumbling around on his bedside table and knocking over a bottle of snake venom, grasped his wand. "Verra Felina," Harry felt his body changing. His hands suddenly weren't hands anymore. They were. paws?"
Bellatrix opened the door. She was wearing a blood red slip and an unidentifiable wispy thing made of black lace. Voldemort clutched the white Persian cat tightly, softly caressing the cat's head with his long fingernails. "My Lord. I didn't know you liked cats," Bellatrix killed Sirius, Harry kept thinking. She tried to stroke Harry's fur. He hissed and gave her a scratch across the face. The Dark Lord gave his servant a dark smile. "Oh. I'm getting on *marvellously* with this particular specimen. I think I'll keep him."
A/N- If you would like to hear about the further adventures of The Cat Who Lived please review and tell me so.
Author's Note: My first attempt at comedy, so be kind. This was originally a little bit of impromptu theatre. My friend Nile Queen and I were on a sugar high.
Harry slipped off the invisibility cloak. The silvery material was caked in snow. Harry shook it out. Then he tucked his father's cloak under his arm. Harry's green eyes became slits as he glanced left and right to make sure no one was watching. Pulling his robes closer to keep out the cold, Harry Potter stepped into the pub.
Lord Voldemort smiled from under his dark hood. His long white digits gripped the Bloody Mary tightly. Oh bliss. Here he was in this delightful hidey-hole, no one knew, he could simply enjoy a quiet drink. Yes, he would definitely come here again.
Harry brushed his unruly hair over his scar. If anyone knew he was here.! This place was worse than the Hog's Head! Harry looked round for a place to sit. All the seats were taken. Cigarette smoke wafted over. Harry wiped his eyes and looked again. Wait. There was a seat next to a guy in a black cloak at the bar.
The Dark Lord blinked. Maybe he shouldn't have ordered that third Bloody Mary. But he never got drunk. Well. *almost never*- there was that *one* time.
Harry Potter blinked. OK. perhaps the double Scotch on the rocks wasn't such a great idea. But it sounded so cool when he said it, "Oh, I'll have a double Scotch on the rocks," what did "on the rocks" mean anyway? Harry turned to the person next to him who was staring sadly at an empty cocktail glass.
"Wass on da ocks mean?" The man stared at him as if trying to remember some difficult potions recipe. "It meanss the tide'sss out..." Through the blanket of alcohol Harry's brain was desperately seeking his attention.
"How'd you get that mark on your head?" The man sounded confused. Harry thought really hard. All he could remember was.green. What was green.?
"A traffic light exploded on me," it sounded reasonable. "Are you sssure?" The man in the cloak sounded taken aback. "Yep, it killed ma dad an' mammy toooo." Harry was confused. "So. wasss your name then?" The stranger looked familiar somehow. "Haaairy, what'd'ya say yours was?" The man in black started to giggle, a high pitched, cold giggle. "Aw. c'mon you know who I am," Harry thought hard..."Nah!" The man grinned. "Yesss, you do!"
The Bartender walked over. He'd worked here long enough to know when a fight was coming, and these two looked like each other's nemesis. "Oi, you gonna pay for those drinks?!" The tall one smiled, Gordie swallowed, *those were sharp canines*, "C-c-cos they aren't free y'know!"
The small one giggled. "He's a *vampire*, I saw his eyes.!" The tall man gave a small hiss and fell off his stool. The small one- he looked like he was just a kid- laughed and jumped on top. Gordie stood there thinking. Ordinarily he'd just chuck them out. but there was something about the vampire that made his blood run cold.
Harry pushed the man out onto the snow. He had vague ideas about pelting him with snowballs. but his arms didn't want to work. The man hissed, then gave a little hiccup. Soon they were both lying face down in the snow.
"Sssooo. was the ting with da affic light?"
"I tol' you. it expowloded!"
"You ssshor it didn't. didn't. didn't. Kadav thingy?"
"Wot ya mean. why was ooo dere anyhow? You made it plode!"
"Nooo I didn't! I died!"
"What wosat like?"
"It was like... pain beyon. beyond. thingy." "Wooow."
Harry's eyes glazed over. He rolled over so he was facing the prone man. It was cold. Harry snuggled into the warmth. The man hiccupped again. His hands were freezing! Harry snuggled further into the warm, black robes.
".Ohh. that's got be worse than the Cruciatus Curse!" After swearing profusely (which just made the headache worse) Harry rolled over in bed. A MAN WAS SLEEPING beside him! The man was snuggled up under silky black sheets.
"Hello. umm. what am I doing here?" Harry shook the man's shoulders, very thin, bony shoulders. Then the strange man sat up. "Bellatrix, remind me never to get drunk again!" Harry's jaw dropped, *he was in a bed with Voldemort!!* Large red eyes stared at him in confusion. "I thought I was the only one with a detachable jaw," Then the Dark Lord seemed to recover from the shock, if not the hangover.
"May I asssk why I'm in a bed with The Boy Who Lived?" Harry didn't know what to say. Lord Voldemort seemed just as horrified as he was. "Umm. I seem to remember. traffic lights?" The Dark Lord then demonstrated that he did, in fact, have a detachable jaw. "*Traffic lights*" "Yeah," Harry wasn't even sure where *that* came from.
Just then, someone knocked on the door. "My Lord, may I enter?" One of Voldemort's pale, spidery hands shot out and, after fumbling around on his bedside table and knocking over a bottle of snake venom, grasped his wand. "Verra Felina," Harry felt his body changing. His hands suddenly weren't hands anymore. They were. paws?"
Bellatrix opened the door. She was wearing a blood red slip and an unidentifiable wispy thing made of black lace. Voldemort clutched the white Persian cat tightly, softly caressing the cat's head with his long fingernails. "My Lord. I didn't know you liked cats," Bellatrix killed Sirius, Harry kept thinking. She tried to stroke Harry's fur. He hissed and gave her a scratch across the face. The Dark Lord gave his servant a dark smile. "Oh. I'm getting on *marvellously* with this particular specimen. I think I'll keep him."
A/N- If you would like to hear about the further adventures of The Cat Who Lived please review and tell me so.
