It was a beautiful day on board the SS Normandy. Of course, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking out, since it would reflect back the same starry abyss that hung indefinitely in existence. However, within Shepard's cozy quarters was a new invention tinkered together by Dr. Mordin Solus, which told Shepard's brain what time it would be back on Earth. It consisted of three decorative lamps-which could be easily calibrated to change color-strung throughout the room, and some kind of mechanical process which dimmed or brightened them in 'real Earth' time. Shepard had no idea of the specifics, for she could only stand a couple minutes of Solus' blabbering (albeit intelligent and surely useful to some) before she asked him to sing his famous Scientific Solarian song.

"You should go on Galactic Idol!" she had told him enthusiastically, to which he responded with a stare and an attempt at a smile before listing the reasons why it would be a terrible idea.

If there was one thing you could count on in this life, it would be Solus' obviousness and strict adherence to reason.

Shepard was lying on the floor of her quarters with a cool damp cloth on her forehead, trying very hard to imagine she was relaxing on something painfully hard - a roof, perhaps - under the Earth's sun. Yet every cell in her body, which she sometimes thought was 75% logic, was refusing to forget the light buzzing of the false sunshine lamps, and was keeping her grounded to the Normandy's metal floor.

Shepard's eyes shot open as a sudden sound beyond the door alerted her to a presence.

"What is it?" she demanded.

"Pizza delivery for a Mrs. Vakarian!" a cheerful voice called out cockily.

Joker, Shepard whispered to herself, what an idiot.

The small smile curving onto her lips defied her thoughts and expressed her friendly, bordering on sisterly (and she knew too well how dangerous it was to have more than necessary feelings for people in the circumstances) emotions for Joker.

"Joker, you bastard. Come in."

"It would be my pleasure," he replied, his smile evident in his tone.

Shepard was already sitting uncomfortably straight and at alert when he got inside the doors. He took a relaxed stance leaning against a wall.

"I hate to have to remind you, but I'm not Mrs. Vakarian."

"Not yet," Joker smirked, "but like I said, I can offer you my expertise in the area of wooing men. I know how they run," he tapped the side of his head with two fingers.

Shepard stifled a giggle, reminding herself that a commander does not, under any circumstances, turn into a little school girl. Except for that one time on Halloween when it was essential to infiltrating a moon drug ring, but, reminiscing aside, she kept the laugh to herself.

"You're an expert on wooing men, eh?" she taunted.

Shepard could have sworn she saw a blush creep up joker's neck and start bleeding into his cheeks, but she decided to let it go.

"Jesus, Shepard. You know I didn't mean it like that!" He took a quick breath and then continued, "Anyway, the reason I came here was to -"

"Crash the ship?" she interrupted. Something about Joker made her playful side come out, she thought, which was not very professional, but nonetheless a moderate stress reliever.

Joker pretended to sigh angrily at her but ended up smiling at the same time. Sometimes he felt like he had about the same control over his body as a puppy playing with a toy.

"No, but I'll let EDI know how little faith you have in her skills. I'm here because the Illusive Man told me you're supposed to go to the Citadel with your lovebird for an experiment. Highly dangerous, critical to the advancement of stealth technology - particularly Dr. Solus', and inadvertently top secret. I told him, no problem, just what you like. I don't think he spends enough time with humans to detect sarcasm anymore. Or he just hates me. Either way, you're supposed to be there, ready to be probed, drugged, whatever they're doing, in 0300 hours."

"Why didn't he tell me this himself? Or why not tell EDI?"

"Who knows. He isn't called the Illusive Man for nothing. But he did tell me - and I quote - 'make no mistake, I am trusting you with this knowledge not because you are trustworthy, but because you have no friends and likely will not make any in the time that it takes to complete this mission.' What an upstanding guy. Really is well placed in the customer service department."

He rolled his eyes.

"Well, time to go back to my comfy seat flying this beast. Good luck. Getting into Garrus' pants, I mean."

Shepard rolled her eyes back at him, mentally scolding herself for the childishness of the gesture.

"Appreciate it."

After he had left, Shepard began changing into her official uniform, and in doing so found a sticky note stuck to her chair. It was in Joker's writing.

Shep,

Found out on a mission recently that Garrus likes human feet. Like, like-likes them.

...

Just kidding! Have a good time.

Wear protection ;)