Introduction to Social Surroundings
Steve Crocker's heart rate began beating irregularly as he pulled into the student parking lot on campus. It was only his third day in freshman year, but it's two days more than he thought he could've survived. He checked his watch; he still had about another thirty-two minutes before his first class of the morning would start. Maybe there was time for one track to get him through the day.
He pulled up his iPod and scrolled through his albums. Settling on one, he pressed the button and scrolled through the tracks. After making a selection, he reclined his seat while the music started playing.
"Thank you for taking this time to practice this hypnosis daily. Be sure you are in a comfortable position. Let's begin…"
Two minutes later…
His eyebrows were beginning to crunch as he continued to listen.
"…these feelings you experience are nothing more than thoughts, and they too shall pass. You are strong. You are confident. You may not feel so, but that's okay, because deep down, you know you are…"
Steve forced his eyes open after his breathing heightened.
"I can't do it. Damn it…I just can't do it." He thought to himself.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he grabbed his backpack and exited the car.
As he was approaching the campus grounds, he heard the Dean make a morning announcement.
"Good morning! Many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale. And as your Dean, I thought I would share some words of wisdom…"
There was a hitch in Steve's breathing. He hated these kind of announcements. It was like the school was reaching out to him only to have him die of embarrassment if he were ever facing a crowd.
Steve doesn't do crowds. He doesn't do people. He's only taking Community College because it would've been more expensive to hire a private tutor. And with both parents gone, he's already struggling enough as it is to afford rent. He couldn't tell if it was pure luck, cruel irony, or a sick joke when he found out he got accepted into Greendale Community College. As the Dean put it so delicately, he was already accepted.
"The Dean has more faith in me than I do." Steven thought to himself.
"What is Community College? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's for old people hoping to keep their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity…"
Wow. There's a new one.
"…a tax-funded self esteem workshop for newly divorced housewives piecing together shattered identities…"
Oddly specific…
"…halfway school for twenty-something dropouts, crawling back to society with unskilled tails between their legs…"
Who wrote this crap?
"…a loser college for young people who couldn't make the cut at a university…"
"Oh god…" Steve muttered.
"…and a safe space for vulnerable teenagers too scared to enter the real world."
"Day three and I'm already feeling targeted…" Steven said to himself.
The Dean's voice continued.
"That's what you heard. However…I wish you luck!"
Steve stopped in his tracks. "Wait…what?"
"…oh, you know what? There was a middle part of that speech. Does anyone see a card?"
Steve shut his eyes again as he continued walking towards the building that held his class.
!
Annie Edison sat at her desk front row center of the Spanish 101 class. She straightened her books on her desk and aligned all of her purple pens in a nice, orderly manner. She looked up to see the rest of her classmates enter the room.
She smiled to herself as Troy Barnes, football jock and high-school crush entered the room. Her eyes never left him as he made his way to the seat towards the back.
Even after her mental breakdown amidst her pill addiction, he still didn't notice her.
At one minute before the class was supposed to start, Annie's attention was caught by the entrance of the sad looking guy in the black sweatshirt and blue jeans, unkept brown hair and black eyes.
He stopped in his tracks. The seat all the way in the back corner was taken, as was every other seat in the back row. His eyes grew with fear.
Annie looked at the boy, then in the direction of that now occupied seat. Annie looked to her left and cleared her throat. The boy looked at her, then at the empty seat next to her.
Part of her was expecting the boy to look at her in disgust and/or laugh at her for offering the seat next to her.
But instead, there was a look of panic in his eyes. Did she do something wrong? Was she too forward? Was her old habit creeping up again? Her mind was racing as he slowly made his way to the seat next to her.
Unable to control herself, she leaned over and said softly "Sorry if my making you sit next to me was such a hassle. I just thought since your seat was taken, I'd try to be nice."
.
Steve was taken back by the comment directed toward him. His breathing faltered. When his mind registered that this girl felt offended by his hesitation to sit, all he could do was shake his head, and wave his hand repeatedly.
The girl looked confused, unsure of what to think about his gestures. Steve clenched his fists in frustration and got out a pen and a piece of paper. Using all of his strength in breathing, he scribbled out a note, and handed it to her.
.
Annie took the note and looked at it.
"Not you. Me! Can't!"
Annie looked back at the boy, who now had his face in his hands. She could see the hands shaking.
Part of her felt relieved that it wasn't anything she did to upset him. But the other part was asking herself, what's wrong with this boy? What did he mean by "can't"?
Before she could dive in any further, their Spanish Professor entered the room.
"Buenos Dias." He said to the class. The class responded back. The Professor, Ben Chang, noticed that the one kid in the front's response was barely audible. He looked over in the kid's direction.
"What's the matter? My greeting's not good enough for you?" Chang asked him.
.
"Seriously?!" Steve thought to himself.
"Need I remind you, that class participation is still in effect even in college?" Chang continued.
Steve's breathing became rapid. He didn't even notice Chang getting up in his face, and in his best Chris Rock impersonation, say "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!"
.
Annie was unnerved by Chang singling this already upset guy out from the rest of the class. Her heart began to break as he clutched his ears tight as Chang continued.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the kid grabbed his books and bolted out of the classroom.
The rest of the classmates fell into an awkward silence as Chang went about his lesson plan for the day. Even though Annie did her best to pay attention, that new kid was still in the back of her mind.
!
Steve sat at his booth in the far-off corner of the cafeteria. He moved his fork around the plate, unable to eat its contents. His other hand was firmly on his water bottle, as if it were his best friend.
The corner of his eyes alerted him to an approaching figure. He looked up to see a familiar girl in a green sweater and tight skirt. He crouched down even further, hoping she was just passing by.
"Excuse me? Hi. Remember me?" the girl asked, softly.
Steve looked up, nodding his head up and down slowly. "Are you okay?" She asked. Steve looked down again.
"Is it okay if I sit here?" She asked. Steve, for his part, merely shrugged his shoulders.
Annie took the signal and sat herself down in the seat facing Steve.
"Hey, listen…" she began. "I'm sorry, I feel like that was my fault. I shouldn't have asked you to sit next to me. I didn't know Senor Chang was going to do that."
Steve shook his head, motioning to her that he didn't blame her.
Unsure of what to do about his lack of responses, Annie took in a deep breath. "Um…I'm afraid I don't know sign language that well, so I'm not sure how much help I can…"
Before she continued, Steve made a noise with his mouth. Annie stopped.
Taking in a deep breath, Steve motioned with his hands again, as if trying again to signal her. "Ss..sss…sorry. I…I can…I can talk."
Annie exhaled a sigh of relief. "So, what happened?" she couldn't help but ask.
Steve shrugged his shoulders. "I…I was…was having…a panic attack in there…"
"Oh." Annie said. "Well, it's okay to feel nervous during the first week of school. I mean…"
"No." Steve shook his head. "Not…not just nervous…I don't…I don't…I can't…I can't do…"
Annie stopped herself from prying for more words. She was studying him carefully, trying to put the pieces together. She was startled by the sudden sound of Steve punching the table with his fist. It seemed clear to her that he was frustrated with his trouble to talk.
"Look, it's okay!" Annie said calmly, trying to diffuse the situation quickly, to avoid all eyes on them. She reached into her backpack and pulled out the note he gave her before. "Hey, listen. Would it be easier if you wrote it down?"
Steve looked up at her. "You…you gonna…gonna make…fun of me?!"
Annie shook her head. "No, of course not!"
Steve looked back at the note. With his hands trembling, he picked up the pen Annie laid down on the table, and he began writing.
He finished writing, and then slid the note back to Annie. She picked it up and read it.
"I have really bad panic attacks. It's worse when I'm in public. Once I get riled up, my speech gets garbled, and it gets me angry where I want to punch a hard object."
"Intense social anxiety." He was able to get out.
Annie looked at him confused. "But you're able to talk to me, though."
"Because…you're…you're one…one person. Not twenty. " Steve said.
Now she understood. That's why Steve freaked out in the classroom. "So if Senor Chang didn't single you out, you would've been fine?"
Steve shrugged his shoulders. "I probably could've survived class today."
"Oh." Annie said.
"But now I need to go into class earlier next week and grab that spot before someone else does." Steve said.
Annie looked at him. "Well, you don't have to do that! I mean…"
"Look, Miss…" Steve began.
"Annie Edison." She said, offering her hand. Steve shook it.
"Steve Crocker. Anyway…thanks for the charity, but I'm better off on my own."
Annie offered a little bit of a gasp at the word 'charity'. "I'm not trying to provide charity! I was just trying to be nice!"
"Well, trying to be nice won't do either of us any good. I'm the farthest from put-together. Trust me, you'll get either tired of me, or scared of me, and you'll want to leave."
Annie closed her mouth in confusion. "Um…why would you scare me?"
Steve looked at her, then took a deep breath before pushing his hair back to reveal his forehead.
"What am I looking at?" Annie asked, confused as she stared at his forehead.
"Bathroom door, seven times, in the duration of 10 seconds." Steve explained.
Annie's eyes widened in shock. "Steve, do you hit your head against hard objects too?!"
Steve let go of his hair and let out a small smile. "It's a shame I didn't place a bet on whether or not I'd scare you. I could've used the extra rent money."
Ignoring his last comment, Annie shook her head and looked Steve straight in the eye.
"Listen, I have no idea how many times you've heard this before, but I am not going anywhere. I've been there. I know what it's like…believe me."
"How?" Steve asked.
"I never fit in with the popular crowds. I was so unpopular, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. I got addicted to Adderall and made a public spectacle of myself in front of everyone by having a nervous breakdown." Annie said in one gulp.
Steve looked up at her. "Really?" He asked. When she nodded, he leaned back in his seat. "I guess now we're even."
"How do you figure?" Annie asked.
"We both had a public meltdown and opened up to each other about it."
Annie offered a little smile. "Hm, I guess we did."
"Yeah." Steve said. He then went back to looking at his water bottle. "Well, have a good semester." He said.
Annie frowned. "What? What did I do now?" She demanded. "I thought we were doing okay!"
"We were." Steve said. "That's why I'm putting an end to it before I say or do something stupid or dangerous to you or…" he stopped himself short.
Acting on impulse, Annie grabbed a hold of Steve's wrist, prompting him to freeze in place.
"Steve! I'm not leaving until you tell me right now. Are you trying to kill yourself?!" She insisted.
For his part, Steve shrugged his shoulders. "Steve!" She demanded.
"No…" Steve said, defeated. "I've always had thoughts about it, but never acted upon them. The closest I get is banging my head repeatedly. But…I get…I get too scared."
Annie used her other hand to lift up Steve's chin, forcing her to make eye contact with her. "Steve, I'm not getting out of this booth until I know you're in a safe state of mind."
Steve pulled away from her. "I am." He said. "I opened up to a stranger, didn't I? I wasn't planning on doing anything else drastic today, aside from the scheduled hyperventilating and overthinking before my next class."
"Well, when's your next class?" Annie asked.
"4:15pm."
Annie thought carefully about her next choice of words.
"Okay…well, I have a couple of other classes that I need to prepare for. Can you do me a really huge favor?"
Steve shrugged his shoulders, as Annie took the note and wrote down her phone number.
"There's something going on in the study room over at the library, I was going to go check out. It looks like some sort of study group…"
"Annie…"
"I know. I know you don't do crowds. And I wouldn't ask you to make yourself uncomfortable, especially with a group of people you hardly know…but honestly, I would feel a lot better if you came, so that I'd know you'd be okay."
"I'm not going to hurt myself anymore today, Annie. I've actually passed my five-times-a-day limit."
Annie frowned. "Well, that's partly why I want you to come, but the other part is…I just…I want to at least know that you've at least considered the idea of having a friend, as crazy as it sounds to you. At least promise me you'll think about letting somebody in?"
Steve closed his eyes in frustration. He then looked at Annie, who looked like the blue in her eyes was suddenly enlarging.
"Are you seriously giving me a puppy-dog face?" Steve asked, bewildered.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Annie playfully denied.
Just then, an involuntary chuckle came from Steve's lung, forcing him to crack a smile. "Damn it. Fine."
Annie then let out a little squeal of victory. "Yay! See you there!" She squeaked before getting up out of her seat.
Steve waited until she was out of sight, before leaning back with an exasperated sigh. "What have I gotten myself into?!" He thought.
!
After his last class, he returned to the safety and comfort of his car.
What am I doing? He thought once more. I'm setting myself up for more panic attacks. I don't do crowds!
Why did that Edison girl have to throw me under the bus like that?!
More importantly, why does she care so much about me? She doesn't know me.
I mean, yeah, I gave her a peak into my life. But she doesn't know me. She doesn't know how I work.
She's only seen what panic attacks do to me, but she doesn't know how to make mine go away.
By all intents and purposes, knowing what she knows now, she has every right to not expect me to come…
…and yet, she's the one that insisted I come.
I warned her that I would push her away or scare her, and yet she still reached out.
What's next? I try to find a plausible loophole to this theory and then next thing I know, she sends me a sign that throws me off once more?
Just then, Steve's phone vibrates. He glances at the screen and sees that he has a new text message.
"Hi, Steve! Don't forget, the study group is meeting in the Library, Study Room F at around 6:30 or so. I really hope I see you there! Until then, stay safe! Happy thoughts!
Annie E. 3"
Steve looked at his phone in bewilderment. Cheating a little smile to himself, he opened the sunroof of his car. "What's next?" he asks out loud. "A million dollars?"
And then he looked up to the sky, sarcastically waiting for a response.
Later that night…
To say that the first study group meeting was eventful would've been an understatement.
As it turned out, the quote-unquote Certified Spanish tutor, one Jeff Winger, actually faked the group just to hook-up with fellow classmate Britta Perry.
It escalated further when her friend Abed Nadir came to the group and invited middle-aged divorcee Shirley Bennett, old-timer Pierce Hawthorne, and Annie's high-school crush, Troy Barnes.
Once the group was convened for the first time, Annie checked every once in a while, to see if her new friend would come to the meeting. To her hidden dismay, he did not enter the room.
!
When it came time to bring the meeting to an end, everyone else gathered their books and bags, and began meandering out of the study group room.
Annie was the last to gather her things, when she heard the door open.
She turned around, and there he was.
"Steve! Hi!" She said.
"Hi. How was it?" Steve asked.
"Well, there was a lot of drama going on, to be honest. I mean, I'm sorry you missed it, but maybe it was for the better, with how everyone was."
"Actually, I knew."
"What?"
"I was here the whole time. I was sitting in a chair outside of the room."
Annie gasped. "But, why didn't you…"
"Because I told you, Annie. I don't do social environments. I knew that at some point, when we would all be going around the room introducing ourselves, I would've had to have talked, and all eyes would've been on me. I wouldn't have survived, Annie."
Annie sighed, acknowledging what he meant. Then a lightbulb went off in her brain. "But you came. Doesn't that count?"
Steve shrugged his shoulders, before continuing. "If you tell anyone this, I will deny it until the day I die."
Annie nodded.
"I thought a lot about what you said…about wanting a friend. The truth is, I never imagined myself not wanting a friend.
"But that doesn't change the fact that just because I want to have a friend, that doesn't mean that I can have a friend."
Before Annie could interject, Steve raised his hand to continue. "I don't mean 'can' as in 'allowed' to have a friend. I physically cannot have friends, because my panic attacks and my self-esteem get in the way, whether or not I want it to."
"But they haven't affected me." Annie said.
Suddenly, Steve closed his eyes in frustration, and tugged on his hair tightly. "Why can't anyone ever understand me?!" he said.
Annie began noticing rapid breathing emanating from Steve. And before she knew it, he struggled to find a chair, and placed his head down on the table.
Heart breaking, she grabbed the seat beside him and put her hand on his back to rub it.
But the moment she touched him, he jerked up, as if she hit a nerve.
"Please…not the back!" He cried out.
"Why?" She asked.
"Because…it…" Steve said in between short breaths. "…makes…panic…worse…"
"Okay! Okay, then what can I do?" Annie pleaded.
"Just…give…minute…" Steve insisted.
So she agreed to let him be for one minute.
Five minutes later…
Steve's head slowly rose up, and his breathing seemed normal.
But there was something new in his facial expression: there was none.
He sat there and stared into space with no emotion noticeable on his face.
"Are you okay now?" Annie asked.
Steve nodded. "Yeah." He said in a monotone voice.
"So…what happened?"
"Sorry…I can't have people touching my back. It makes the lack of breathing worse." Steve said, still with monotone.
"Steve? Why are you talking like a robot?" Annie asked.
"I'm drained, Annie."
When he saw her still-confused gaze, he sighed and continued. "I can only have so many mental breakdowns until I mentally exhaust myself until I start getting all Kristen-Stewart like."
Annie involuntarily chuckled. "Abed would've liked you for that reference. He seems to really like movies."
Steve nodded. "Sorry…it takes a lot out of me to talk."
"It's okay." Annie said.
Steve took another deep breath. "What I meant before, was…" he began.
Annie leaned back in her chair, waiting for him to gather his words.
"Okay, if I'm being honest, I can't say it in a way that you'd be able to understand."
"Steve, I do understand." Annie said. "Anxieties suck. I'm not gonna try to convince you that they're not. And hey, you've heard my backstory, so I can legitimately tell you that I know exactly what it feels like, so I'm not patronizing you."
Steve slowly nodded. Annie continued.
"Anyway, to make a long story short, your anxiety is wired in a way where you feel like it's preventing you from making friends, and that's why you don't try."
And it was at that moment, that Steve's lips trembled, and he pinched his nose. "Uh huh…" He mumbled, his voice shaking.
Annie's heart broke. She wanted to comfort him, but she didn't dare to touch him again, fearing it would provoke another outburst, whether Steve could control it or not.
When Steve leaned forward, and rested his head on his arms, he mumbled "I'll be okay. Can you just leave me alone now?"
Annie hesitated. She didn't want to leave him here alone and in this state of mind. "I don't know, Steve."
"I already told you I'm not going to kill myself."
"But I can see that you're not okay." Annie insisted.
Steve lifted his head. "But after these 'meltdowns' I don't have the energy to even think about harming myself anymore. So, as usual, I'd go to my car, drive and get home safely, go to bed, and tomorrow starts all over again."
"But that's no way to live, Steve." Annie said. "Look, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go outside and put my books in my car, then I'll come back. Would you be okay with that? You can get some space to let it out. Is that okay?"
Steve shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever…" he muttered.
.
Annie stepped out of the study room and was surprised to see the rest of the group standing in front of her.
"What are you guys still doing here?" Annie asked.
Britta spoke first. "We noticed you didn't come out with the rest of us, and I saw that guy with the black hoodie head in your direction, so we wanted to make sure you weren't in any danger."
Annie gasped. "Guys! He's not dangerous at all to me."
"But he is mysterious. That certainly is B-plot material." Abed pointed out.
The others looked at him.
Jeff refrained from commenting, feeling a little bad about his earlier remark about Abed having Asperger's.
"I thought B-movies were over in the 50's, A-bed?" Pierce asked.
"B-plot. They're a form of a staple for any sitcom or serial show involving more than one subplot. By adding this new character into the mix after the original band has dispatched, it adds a new element of content to the show, especially if it's intentionally after a pilot premiere." Abed explained.
Troy looked lost in thought. "I had a cousin that got his piloting license for Southwest Airlines. They never gave him his own premiere."
"Anyhow…" Jeff spoke up, trying to get to the point. "What's the deal with Mr. Black Hoodie over there?" He asked, pointing to Steve who was oblivious to them.
"Jeff!" Annie shushed. "He's in our Spanish class…"
"Oh, we noticed, An-nie." Shirley added. "Especially after that little interaction with Senor Chang."
"…and I wanted to make sure he was okay." Annie continued. "I don't want to get personal about him with you all, since we've all just met today. But…if it's okay with all of you, and with him, I'd like to add him to the group."
The rest of the group looked to Jeff for an answer. "Well, I guess so. The more the merrier."
"Actually…" Annie said, looking in Steve's direction. "Maybe eight is plenty."
The others nodded in approval, before she continued. "I only ask that you all just…bear with him at first."
"Annie, we've seen the majority of what happened." Britta pointed out.
Annie's eyes widened. "How much did you see?"
"Enough to figure out that this kid cannot be left alone ever." Jeff sighed. "But you've spoken with him the most, so we'll leave it to you to figure out what the course of action would be."
"Okay." Annie said.
And on that note, the rest of the group walked towards the exit door, while Annie looked back at Steve, whom to her surprise was looking back at her.
Taking a deep breath, she slowly opened the door and crept back in.
"Are you doing okay?" Annie asked.
"I heard everything." Steve said.
Annie's heart dropped. "Steve, I didn't mean…"
Steve held his hand up. "Annie, it's fine. As mentioned before, I'm too worn out tonight to have objected. Actually…I kind of appreciate it to be honest."
Annie exhaled a sigh of relief as he continued. "Look…all I know is, if I had joined your group to begin with, I never would've survived it. So…thanks for softening the blow for me."
"Of course!" Annie said, a small smile creeping on her face. "Thank you for letting me be a friend. I know it wasn't that easy. Will you be okay driving home?"
"Yep."
And with that, the two of them exited the library together, before parting ways to their respective cars.
For the first time this entire day, Steve himself cracked a smile.
