Pairing: Adam Lambert/Tommy Ratliff
Tags: Romance, Angst, Drama, Light Dom/sub, Brain Trauma, Coma, Memory Loss, Kidnapping, Size Queen, Size Kink, Heaven, Hell, Temporary Character Death
Summary: When Adam died, he had been taken to the Realm of the Dead (Hell) without judgement, but is eventually granted a second chance to regain his rightful place. One last chance to choose between life or death (the light of Heaven). By all rights, Adam should not be allowed back into the realm of the living yet Tommy has unknowingly kept the last shard of Adam's soul within him-the only thing linking Adam to the world he left behind.
The price to return is steep, but no sacrifice is too great when it comes to the people you love.
Prompt: You die, only to find that heaven is only hell.
Notes: Oh, and I had just finished watching (again) Dr. Who (10th doctor/David Tennant) w/Rose Tyler (my favorite of his companions). In fact, the title of this fic is inspired by Rose and the last two episodes (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday) is where the "This is the story of how I died" came from.
In fact, that is how each of the chapters will start.
David Tennant is Best Doctor Ever. Which... has nothing at all to do with this fic. :D
BETA: TheSupernova
Stay with me now I'm facing my last solemn hour
Hear the crowd in the distance, screaming out my faith
Now their voices are fading, I can feel no more pain
The Heart Of Everything by Within Temptation
Chapter 1: Quietus
This is the story of how I died.
It seemed ironic somehow, that I died the day before my album was to be released. I was walking home from the grocery story with Tommy and we were laughing about something I can no longer recall. It was going so perfectly until the silence descended upon us again. The laughter wasn't real. It was strained and such a terrible sound.
Tommy knew I couldn't carry the groceries back by myself and the store was only a few blocks from my house—our house—so I liked walking.
We were fighting, and it started the night I kicked Tommy out of the house. I apologized later after we both had time to cool off but I wasn't allowed back into our bedroom. The couch wasn't really big enough for me. Tommy perhaps, but he was smaller, shorter and always perfect; even now, he's beautiful and will forever be in my heart.
The fight seems so inconsequential now. It had been going on for more than a week and yet I can't seem to remember why or how it started. Nothing I did was good enough and I was reaching my breaking point but the last words I ever heard from him were heartbreaking.
"You think you know me so well, Adam Lambert? Fuck you, just - Fuck. You. You think you know me? 'Cause you don't know jack shit so you can just take your "I love you's" and shove them up your ass!"
His voice was frigid and cutting. Despite the warm breeze kissing my skin, I felt a cold chill race through my body. In all the many arguments we've had he's never acted like this. I've always said that I could feel his heart beating against my own but I've never felt more alone as I did in that moment. All I've ever done was love him. I know he's been acting odd this week, like something was bothering him but he wouldn't tell me what it was. I never pushed him for an answer even though I was worried. I don't know what I did wrong.
I felt betrayed because I'd given him everything and he knew my weaknesses, knew exactly what buttons set me off, and which hurt me the most. I trusted him because no matter how angry we were at each other, he knew when to back off and when to apologize. I couldn't stop the tears or the cries bubbling from my throat. Why would he say those things? Why would he throw my love back in my face?
Even now, I love him still.
The grocery bags I was holding crashed to the floor, the sound of breaking glass; all I could think about was of all the ruined food.
Tommy's face looked horrified by what he had said when I lifted my head to meet his eyes. I could see he was just as affected by the words he had spouted in anger, a mistake he could no longer take back. If wishes were real, I'm sure if it were possible he would rewind the sands of time, but there would be no second chances.
Tommy dropped his own bags in response; cracked jars of dill pickles and salsa filled the air. His face was set in disbelief and the dawning realization that he might actually have meant what he said, or maybe he was afraid of what was to come because of it? He moved towards me, hand outstretched and I automatically backed up. I didn't want him near me. Didn't want the comfort or excuses to wash over his behavior. I wish, too, that I could have stopped myself retreating from Tommy's proffered hand.
I shook my head when he tried apologizing because that wouldn't be enough this time. It wouldn't make it better and I couldn't stop myself from wondering if there wasn't some truth hidden behind those words. I love him and he's never done this to me before. My feet kept moving me backwards, disbelief shining in my own eyes, and for a second, I thought I saw tears running down his cheeks as well.
But I had backed up too far, hadn't been looking where I was going, and suddenly I felt the curb give way under my feet. My body overbalanced and I fell flat on my back, head bouncing with a sick sounding crack against the asphalt. My head felt like it had been split open and I could feel a rash of pain scour my body from the bloody tears and bruises the road scraped against my skin.
My boyfriend was running towards me now, and just as I was struggling to sit up, checking my head for blood... that's when it ended. I never saw it coming, and my body felt one big jolt as I was thrown through the air. The squealing of brakes had been deafening but I was already starting to forget; I was trapped in my body, in my head and I was growing so, so cold. I couldn't feel the pain anymore, and flashes of memories and videos of my life were flashing across my eyes.
My days spent in the American Idol mansion, taking second place in the season finale. I relived the first day Tommy auditioned for my band, the concerts we played together, the touring and jamming sessions. My favorite memories started shortly after: memories of every date I shared with Tommy, each time Tommy allowed me inside his body and the days where we simply sat and laughed together, watching his horror movies or my vampire TV show reruns.
The next memories I held were the times where I watched Tommy finally come to terms with his sexuality, one he had been suppressing - first for his parents then for the peer pressure in high school. Ironically, the way he acted and dressed told of a man comfortable with his body and he acted free and almost unburdened by the dictations placed upon them from the media's and society's expectations.
That too had been a lie, the mask of comfort within him, and the process of acceptance had been a long, arduous one. I tried to understand why it was so important that people think him straight, considering how many times I had my tongue down his throat on stage during the Glam Nation tour. Fear, though, is powerful.
I never allowed myself to follow through on my feelings for him, although I felt a sense of sexuality confusion radiating from him whenever we were together.
Then, one day it was as if his bisexuality was nothing to fear. He called me a few weeks after his revelation, at two in the morning and told me he needed to see me and that it couldn't wait. When he greeted me at the door something inside me just knew. I never noticed how anxious Tommy had been all these years until it was gone; there was a sense of peace that I never noticed was missing before.
"I'm sorry I never noticed before." Tommy tried to keep his voice steady but it was starting to break. "You've waited for me, haven't you?"
I never thought I had been waiting until he asked. I never knew that Tommy had been having a crisis like this, and it was strange to think about. I've always watched him closely and until that moment, I thought I had known... more than I did, I guess, about who Tommy really was.
But that's what dating is for after all, to get to know one another. He asked me out and so, at two am that very morning we went to an all-night diner for an early breakfast and coffee. We were both tired - me more so because I had just gotten to sleep an hour prior, having come back late from a friend's birthday party. I had been fervently refusing to acknowledge the hangover I felt starting to set in.
The worst of the flashbacks came in the form of my dreams, the plans I had for my future. My career, the band, my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him one day; I'm not ready to commit like that just now - I'm still not, but I wanted to. I wanted to retire one day with Tommy by my side, my music living on in my heart and knowing that if my music and all the things it stood for (equality, self-acceptance, tolerance, hope) changed the life of just one person, if I gave them hope, courage, happiness, or even the ability to accept both themselves and the people around them, then I'll know that I had done what I set out to do with my life.
When the images stopped, I found my ears mysteriously plugged and silent, and an intolerable pain was beginning to overwhelm my senses. My vision was dimming and I found I couldn't focus; before my eyes closed for the last time, before I accepted the light which beckoned me through the darkness, Tommy's face hovered over mine.
In one last burst of strength I didn't know I possessed I reached my hand up, Tommy catching it half way and bringing it to his face. I smiled and said the only words which my heart knew to be true even if Tommy would never love me or long for my touch again.
"I still love you, baby."
