My name is Harry Potter, and I am a certified badass. If you're looking for somebody to blow shit up, I'm your man. If you're looking for somebody to rip through a set of ancient wards like tissue paper, I can do that too. Or at least, I could once. Sadly, I am a fictional character, and thusly, I am subject to the whims of any who choose to write of me. Sometimes that can be great, I've lost count of the times I've shagged Fleur Delacour and Emma Watson, and Bellatrix really is an evil bitch, so the fact that I've killed her thousands of times is great. I've played host to the memories of an inordinately powerful Dark Lord several times, and more than once I've been the heir to all four founders of Hogwarts. To be honest, I'm not sure why that should matter, but it usually seems to entail having a few dozen animagus forms. If that weren't enough, thanks to wonderful people such as Shezza88 and JBern I've played host to a genuine fallen angel, and been a curse breaker badass enough to make Indiana Jones look like Rowlings version of me. Basically, I'm a pretty damn cool guy a lot of the time.

Of course, being a character as popular as I am has its downsides too. Some of the biggest downsides are these: Draco Malfoy, and Severus Snape. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with homosexuality, but sex with Snape? Sure, his voice is gorgeous, but his skin and hair are far to disgusting. But do you know what the biggest problem is? Snape and Malfoy are total gits. I loathe them, and they loathe me. It's not a faked loathing born of unresolved sexual tension, we just fucking hate each other. That's why I hate being forced to fall madly in love with them, whether or not they've somehow become Veela. Sadly, Snape and Malfoy aren't the worst things to happen to me. I've been made a girl. I've been pregnant. But even these pale in comparison to what comes next.

I've met Charles Xavier and Captain Jean Luc Picard. I've had a threesome with them. It was awesome. I've met Han Solo and Indiana Jones. And had a threesome with them. Again, awesome. Those men are straight up awesome, and so I'm ok having sex with them. What I'm not ok with is when I end up bringing an army of star wars soldiers back to fight Voldemort. It's ridiculous in the extreme. First of all, nobody has any reason to follow me or obey my orders, and secondly, one X-Wing with its laser cannons and 6-9 torpedoes (depending on the model) is more than sufficient to eliminate one lousy dark lord. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is this: think twice before you put me into a crossover. It's hard to do well.

If it's hard to write a good crossover, it's impossible to write a good story of this sort: the sort where I am stripped of my power, and hurled into a not-so-random muggle highschool. I am forced, once there, to penetrate some sad lonely teenage girl, and then become the bestest of buddies with, well, what's the opposite of a Nazi? The internet, which as a muggle highschool student I have access to, says "unsocialist". I am forced to cavort, both sexually and platonically, with grammar unsocialists. Calling these pathetic individuals who put me into a story about their lives authors is like calling Obama a Swiss born Muslim. By the way, I have been forced to do that on occasion as well.

Please. I implore you. I may not be real, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person. Please. Please for the sake of all that is holy STOP. Just stop putting me into these terrible, terrible situations.