It Doesn't Matter What I Need

It doesn't matter what I want

It doesn't matter what I need

You've been on a road

I don't know where it goes or where it leads

Haley stood in the doorway of the cheap, tacky motel. Fear raced in her chest. Apprehension thick in her veins, but she tried not to show it. Always wanting to be strong, though her legs felt like they should quake with the weight of her. Her 'Hello Kitty' duffle bag with pink and yellow piping along the edges was clutched tightly in her hands against her chest. Haley's eyes were glued to her hands, gripping that bag for her life.

She could feel her father's secure hands on her shoulders. His reassuring grip, gave her tiny shoulders a squeeze. Leaning down to her ear, his rough breath hit her neck.

"Go have a seat Haley." He softly instructed.

Nerves shook harder inside but Haley didn't show it. Unable to speak she gave a slight nod and forced her legs to work.

Staring at the dingy carpet, Haley walked to the table. 1960's linoleum top, colored fire truck red. The chair made of plastic and metal, the plastic cushion the same distasteful red as the table top, Haley took a seat.

Bag securely in her hands, Haley held onto it with everything she was holding inside. Refusing to look at the others seated around the table, her eyes fell to her father across the room with his new friend, John.

Watching them, Haley tried to pick up on their conversation.

The burly men stood together deep in conversation. She could only make out a little. "Does she know?" John, the man she had just met asked her father.

Sadness to her father's eyes, he nodded briefly. "I haven't told her but she knows. I told you how she picks up on things. Don't let it worry you, her mother was like that. I checked into it, nothing dark, just something in the blood."

Scratching the whiskers on his cheek, John nodded with understanding. His soft brown eyes finally falling back to the girl. Haley's father's eyes followed with John's lead.

They spotted the young girl, sitting quietly at the table. Fear in her orbs as she stared over at the men silently, with big, brown all knowing eyes.

Wrapping an arm around John's shoulder, Jimmy, Haley's father turned John the other way. Their backs to Haley, so she couldn't hear them.

Haley's eyes dropped back to her bag, as she picked at a loose string along the edge.

Lost in her own worried thoughts, Haley was pulled free as a kind voice filled her ears.

"You hungry?" The young boy beside her questioned.

His high pitch voice filled her ears and finally Haley glanced at the other children at the table. Her eyes falling to the boy who spoke to her first, he appeared about her age. He had scruffy brown hair, button nose and big eyes but they were soft like a puppy. Looking into those big brown eyes, Haley felt her nerves lessen. She could sense he was gentle, it oozed off him. Too shy to speak, Haley shook her head no in response.

Staring at her intently, Sammy was surprised to be around another kid. She captivated his attention, with her long brown hair and matching dark eyes. Sammy felt like she could see right into him, but the softness of her face put him at ease with that. In fact she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.

"Come on." Sammy pushed. "It's not the best but my brother Dean made it. Here you can have mine." He offered before shoving his plastic bowl of alphabet soup in front of her.

Haley stared at the bowl for a moment before the other boy finally spoke up.

You've been in a cage

Throw you to the wind you fly away

"Sammy!" He barked, clearly the older brother. This boy's voice was rough, having already passed puberty. "You have to eat your dinner." Dean growled. With short blonde hair and piercing green eyes that shot your gut. He was edgy and cute if you were his age but Haley didn't see him that way.

"She needs to eat too." Sammy shot back, concern in his eyes, always worried about others.

"Fine." Dean barked again, full of teen angst. "She can have mine but you have to eat." He demanded, looking after his little brother. Without letting Sammy agree, the older boy pulled the bowl from in front of Haley and pushed it back in front of Sammy. Before promptly pushing his own half empty bowl in front of her.

The older one made Haley nervous, rattled her bones. She could sense he didn't want her here. Not wanting to irritate him more, Haley shook her head no, but wouldn't look at him. Her voice finally squeaking out in a high pitched whisper. "Not hungry." Hunched in her chair, Haley tried to keep to herself.

"Fine, whatever." Dean scowled with a roll of his eyes, before yanking his bowl back in front of him.

"I'm Sammy, that's Dean." The young boy spoke up again, introducing himself. It was plain to see he was naturally polite and the brothers were polar opposites.

Forcing a smile, she responded back quietly. "Haley."

Haley looked over just in time to see her father coming to her, sadness consuming his tired eyes. Kneeling down in front of her, Jimmy gently wrapped his hands around his baby's cheeks, cupping her face.

His face was round and jolly but the grown in stubble and wrinkles around his eyes made him look harder, Haley new he was anything but hard.

His hands felt worn and rough but reassuring in their familiarity. Haley stared into her Dad's eyes, mirroring his sadness.

"I gotta go baby but you're going to stay here with John and the boys for a few days." Her father finally admitted the truth she had already known in her heart. Earlier this morning, when her father told her to pack all her stuff, Haley knew she was going somewhere. When he didn't pack, Haley knew she was going alone.

Uncontrollable tears filled her eyes as her father tried to say goodbye and leave her with strangers. Shaking her head frantically from side to side, Haley protested.

Holding her face steady, her father silently nodded. Licking his lips he spoke. "I won't be gone long and I'll call you every day but I can't take you with me." He lied with a weak smile.

"No," Haley cried out quietly, a tear finally slipping down her cheek, as the young girl's heart cracked.

Wiping her shed tear from her plump cheek, her father nodded again. "Remember what we talked about. You're going to be strong and you're going to listen to John." Jimmy explained his expectations gently, never leaving her eyes as his own threatened to break. Nothing had ever been harder then leaving his baby girl. Only thing that came close was watching his wife walk out their door at midnight and never return.

"Dad," Haley called as her heart broke into pieces, more tears falling from her shattered heart.

"I love you Haley." Her father said, making sure she knew. Then as the tears began to fill his eyes, Jimmy quickly leaned in and placed a kissed upon her forehead. Before she could respond, he stood. Turning from her, he promptly walked out the door.

Leaving Haley broken and abandoned yet again.

It doesn't matter if I cry, doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years

Alison Krauss, "It doesn't Matter"