A/N: Okaaaay. Here we go yet again, my darlings. The first chapter beginning A/N. Let's see.
Points I do want to make: This story is rated 'M' and for a reason. There will be themes throughout this story that do call for this rating, but I will put an important note above the chapter if it heads down a darker path. Just as a heads up. Like.. Uhm.. Ooh! This one.
ImPORTANT NOTE!
Unhappiness ensues in this chapter in certain areas. It's nothing too horrible, but I want to give you a small warning. It's not bad, but it's not rainbows and puppies either.
Now. The:
DiSCLAIMER!
No part of The Twilight Saga is my property. I don't claim it to be. I never have, and I never will. All I own is Leandra, and the rest of the little people you don't recognize from SM's work. I only mix the two sometimes.
Okay. Now that that wonderful stuff is over with, let's get down to business.
Chapter One
I had a lot to get used to.
Things had settled down after awhile, and approaching the summer, it was much less rainy. My bruises faded, but as they did so, it seemed to make me more defensive. As if I were expecting them to be replaced just like every other time before.
I was grateful, however, for not having to start the school year here a month before it let out for the summer, but there was a reason behind that, instead of just being for my comfort.
As I had expected, Carlisle and the others were slightly more than deeply concerned.
Carlisle worried about what would happen if I were suddenly placed directly in the middle of a place like school, so it was discussed extensively about testing me. I didn't like the sound of that when I first heard it, and I hated it even more when I figured out what that would mean.
Because of my promise to end the lives of my parents if ever given the chance, and meaning every word I said on the subject, they weren't particularly eager to give me the chance to apply that to anyone else.
To me, I knew I was a bad kid. I knew I wasn't good for anything. I'd denied it for so long, but what happened the last time I saw my mother, I couldn't deny it anymore. I saw no reason to test me. I saw no reason they couldn't just take my word for it, to even attempt putting me into the position to hurt someone, but Carlisle felt confident that I'd be alright.
How wrong he was.
He'd given it time, I had to admit. He had given it time. Giving me time enough to adjust to being home, and being around the family first before being tested to see just how bad I was. None of them were comfortable sending me to school until I could pass this little experiment, or at very least, see how bad it got. I couldn't blame them for being cautious, but had they just taken my word for it, this wouldn't be needed.
They'd had a chance to see what I was like when I was angry, but they hadn't seen what I was capable of. Not yet.
The day of my first test arrived, and the best place to test me was at a particularly well-used park in Port Angeles. Lots of kids went there on a daily basis, and that made me nervous. I was stuck in the mind-set of me against all of them. Choosing to see those little bastards as a threat, instead of the possibility of making friends. That's how it felt to me, and I didn't like it.
Carlisle himself took me there. Just me and him, him only there to observe. It was up to me to prove to him that this wasn't a good idea, and that thought made me nervous. We arrived, and I almost didn't get out of the car. I hated it already.
At first, I stayed out of their way. I stayed beside him, watching all the kids from afar, until he insisted I at least try. I didn't know what to do at a place like this, and it bugged me that he'd choose to test me this way.
I counted nine other kids, parents scattered around watching them. I didn't like this, and I threatened to puke, but Carlisle didn't buy it.
I was nervous, but I knew I had no reason to be. I could take out any one of them if I had to. I hated other kids, and it showed. I took two steps their direction, until I turned back around and landed back on the bench beside him. Shaking my head.
Sitting there, just watching them. They looked around my age, but to me, they were completely different than I was. After enough encouragement, however, Carlisle made it seem like the easiest thing in the world to do. Just go talk to them.
"Do I have to?" I whined, looking up at him.
"It would be preferred." He replied, and I sighed.
That day ended with a talk to the father of two girls younger than I was. When I beat one in the face for trying to stick up for her little sister who I'd thrown sand at. If it had just been a slap or something, I knew their father wouldn't be as upset. Subtly, as I hid behind Carlisle, I tried to wipe the other girl's blood off of the knuckles of my fist.
The entire time, I let him handle it, because I was scared.
The massive difference between me and other children was clear in that moment. The moment I admitted to Carlisle how I felt. I wasn't sorry for doing it. I didn't feel bad for hitting someone else, but I was worried about what would happen because of it.
"You should keep that little animal on a leash." The other father had said before leaving, "She's dangerous." Shamefully, I looked up at Carlisle as he sighed and turned.
That was the first time he saw what I could do if given the chance.
The second try didn't go much better a week later, but this time I waited in the backseat of his car as he talked to the angry parents of the boy I'd hit. Probably just so I wouldn't have to hear the hurtful things they said out of anger. I couldn't blame them, because it was their kid I hurt, but he'd gotten too close to me. He'd accidentally bumped into me while I had my back turned.
He should have known to stay away, even if I never told him.
The third was a little better, as I didn't hurt this kid as bad. I only managed to push him before Carlisle pulled me away. However, the fourth try, this time around, was worse.
It was becoming clear that social situations just weren't my thing.
Anything having to do with interacting with anyone else was out of the question.
"Look me straight in the eye, Leandra." I'd heard that line too many times today, "And tell me the truth." It was Carlisle. I found it very difficult to lie to him, and he knew this. I rubbed my eye tiredly, sighing.
He'd already been talking to another set of parents when I managed to hit someone else. For telling me how horrible I was for hitting the first person. This time around, I managed to get hurt as well, when the other boy fought back.
That didn't make Carlisle happy in the least. Thankfully, it was just a bloodied nose, but it could have been worse.
Back at home, he hadn't said a word the entire way back. I didn't try to, either. I hated disappointing him, but I was the way I was, and I couldn't change it. Now that we were home, it was easy to see how much he wished I was normal, or could control myself.
"I didn't hit him first." I mumbled, looking straight at him the best I could. He sighed, shaking his head, "He's lying. Just to get me into trouble, because I slapped his stupid sister." I grinned, "I think she lost a tooth."
Two days before my tenth birthday, it was becoming painfully apparent that I couldn't be around other kids, either. This was something that had been discussed over and over with me. Since my first test.
Since these tests started, I hadn't been sleeping very well. Time away from Jack didn't seem like time away from him, considering Jasper could help me with my emotions, but nobody could help me with my memories and nightmares at night.
Dreaming about him, and what my life had held only proved to make me bitter, and mean. Cranky, and irritated, that should have been enough to keep me from having to keep going through these stupid tests, but apparently, it was important. Something I had to learn if I was going to grow up normally.
Right. What a joke.
Carlisle was about to give up making me try, until the next day. One last try, he'd told me, and I thought I was in the clear. I'd just have to get through the day without some parent smacking me for knocking their kid's teeth out, and I'd finally be left alone on the subject.
It was decided that maybe, that park was too busy. I was shocked, surprised really that I was even allowed to keep going there, but today, Carlisle changed it up a little bit. He took me to a park in town instead.
Much smaller, and calmer.
We made it to the park, and at first, I thought the place was empty. I almost told him to take me back home, in full pout, but that faded as I spotted a couple of kids I actually did know.
"Hey." I called, running forward. Something I hadn't done yet. In any other tries, I'd always stuck straight to Carlisle's side like glue until he pressured me to try.
Josh and Zack both turned, smiling as they saw me.
I hadn't seen Josh and Zack since that day in California. The day I had to run from Ken's house. Ken, Jack's father, was someone I hated with a passion. I also feared him just as much as I feared Jack. Ken was the reason I had to run, but I did owe him. He was the one that showed me what it meant to finally have enough, and to finally make a decision for myself.
Despite the way I didn't like being reminded of that day, I still didn't mind these two.
The three of us hadn't had much of a chance to really get to know each other while I was there, but knowing they were in the dream-vision I'd had really helped with my own comfort level. From what I did know about them, their parents were good people, and they hadn't made me feel uncomfortable.
"Hey." Josh's eyes brightened, and he smiled at me, "Where have you been? We've been so worried."
I was a little surprised when he hugged me. I didn't think he cared that much, to be honest. I knew for a fact Carlisle watched me closely now, and I couldn't blame him. I didn't deserve to be trusted without direct observation. For all he knew, I could be fine one minute, then the next, I'd have a fist-full of blood.
"Uh." I murmured, glancing back at Carlisle, "It's a really long story."
Zack greeted me with a hug next, and I surprised myself by returning it a little.
Considering every time I'd hit another kid, it was because they got too close to me. I didn't like contact. I didn't like being touched, even if I knew it wasn't meant to hurt me. This was different.
"Hey, mom's right over there if you wanna say hi." Zack spoke up as he stepped back. I looked back to where he gestured, watching her already standing up.
Their mother, Heather, was Jack's sister, and according to her, the very reason Jack was in my life at all. I briefly wondered if this was the same park I'd first met these boys at when we were babies, remembering the story she'd told me in California.
Always careful, Carlisle slowly followed as the three of us made our way her direction.
"Leandra." The relief in her voice as she hugged me surprised me. She was actually crying with the emotion, hugging me the way any worried mother would. It surprised me, because she felt more relief than my own mother had, even after my own mother thought I was dead for several minutes. At least from what I could tell, Heather's relief was even greater than that.
She held me that way for at least a minute. I let her, still pretty surprised. I hadn't known my disappearing like that would have worried her. She'd been one of the ones trying to get me to stop that day, and even if I knew she was alright, I couldn't go back. Not when I knew both Jack and Ken were waiting for me.
"Um.." I murmured, hoping she'd stop smashing me soon.
"I was so worried, honey." She told me, "God, I can't even tell you."
"I'm okay." I told her, hoping to ease her crying a little, "I'm fine now." She let me pull back, taking my face in her hands.
"I'm so sorry, honey." She struggled with her emotions for a moment, "I'm so sorry I left you there-"
"It's okay now." I said, "I don't blame you." I'd never blamed her. Her attention was taken by Carlisle coming slowly to my side, "Uh.. Heather, this is Carlisle. He came and picked me up that day. I'm sort of staying with them now." I looked to Carlisle, "This is Heather. Remember I told you about her?" Maybe not him specifically, but I did mention her, and I knew he had heard.
"It's very nice to meet you." He told her, and she replied with the same.
"Guys, let's go over there." I murmured, looking to Josh, "Let them talk."
"Okay." Zack agreed instantly, not minding at all. Josh looked to me as we turned, slowly heading away.
"I thought you would have gone with Uncle Jack." Josh told me, surprised, "What happened?"
"Um." I sighed, looking down, "He didn't want to take me with him." Which was partially true, "So I'm staying with Carlisle for awhile."
"Do you know where Uncle Jack is?" Josh asked quietly, and I knew he was worried about him. Probably not having heard anything about him, "He's been gone for a long time. Couple months, at least. Since April." I knew exactly how long he'd been gone, but I wasn't about to let him know that.
I sighed, shaking my head.
"Last I heard of him, he was with my mom." I replied apologetically, "That's all I know."
"Grandpa's gone too." Zack admitted quietly, "We haven't heard anything from him since we got back. What happened that day?"
"I had to get out of there." I found myself saying, "I couldn't stay." Frowning, they studied me. I couldn't blame them for being confused. They wouldn't understand. I leaned up against the big plastic slide on the playground we stood beside now. Looking down.
They were boys. Treated perfectly by both Ken and Jack. That wasn't their fault, and I didn't blame them in the least.
"So hey," Josh spoke up, "Does this mean you'll be going to school in August?"
"That probably wouldn't be a good idea." I told him, appreciating the change of subject, "I'm not good around other kids."
"That's too bad." Zack muttered sadly.
"I know." Josh agreed with him, "It'd definitely make school worth it." He looked back, "Hey." Something upset him, so I leaned over to look. Both Heather and Carlisle sat on the bench now, and it was obvious Heather was in tears as she watched us.
"She's okay." I told them before they could worry too much, "I'm guessing she knows now."
"Knows what?" Zack asked, deeply concerned.
"Carlisle is good at talking to people." I murmured instead, "She'll be fine." I could easily see that reaction after finally discovering what had been going on with me. I was grateful I didn't have to be there to deal with her sadness or try to comfort her. That would always be a depressing thing.
We stood there for a second. Until Josh suddenly reached out and shoved Zack a little.
"Tag." He grinned, and I stood there, confused. Taking a few steps back, toward the smaller field of grass a little ways away, Josh laughed. Zack grinned also, starting to follow him, "Uh-uh. There's a third player now. No tag-backs."
"But there's only three." Zack muttered, "It's boring only chasing one person."
"Huh?" I muttered, looking between the two of them.
"Fine, fine." Josh said, "Tag-backs are fine."
"I don't get it." I was getting irritated.
"Haven't you ever played tag before?" Josh asked, and slowly, I shook my head, "You really don't get out much." He muttered, surprised until he shook it off, he sighed.
"Well, Zack's it right now." He said, "He's gotta catch either of us, and make one of us it by 'tagging' us, or touching our arm, shoulder, back, or whatever he can reach. Then whoever is it next has to catch someone else, and make them it. Get it?" I frowned a little, "Whoever is it chases the other people, and if he, or she, touches one of them, whoever he touches is it now."
"So.." I trailed off, frowning a little.
"That means run." Josh spun, starting to run. Zack followed him a little ways, until he turned around and headed straight for me. That got me moving, "Third bench is safe!"
I really started running with a squeal.
I quickly discovered I was faster on grass than I was on sand, which was good.
Zack couldn't catch me. He managed to catch Josh, though. Making me immediately change directions. Josh was faster than Zack was, but Josh was determined to catch me. Which only made me more determined to keep running faster.
Zack was already perched, standing on the bench that was specified as 'safe'. I think that meant Josh couldn't catch me there, and I needed to catch my breath so I hauled it as fast as I could to the bench.
Landing, sliding a little as I sat beside Zack in fits of hysterical laughter. I watched as Zack jumped off the bench, and started off across the grass. Josh following him. Just as I thought, Josh followed him now, meaning Josh couldn't tag me here.
"Five minutes in safe, Leandra." Josh called to me, and I frowned.
"No fair!" I called back, panting for breath, "Zack was here for at least ten."
"No I wasn't!"
"Yes, you were!" I watched as they ran by, going the other direction now. I'd missed this. I didn't know what made them so different, but they were tolerable. I could learn from them. All the other kids weren't tolerable.
After only about thirty minutes, another boy joined us. Making the game even more fun, despite how wary of him I was. He told us his name was Andrew, and his dad joined our parents on their bench to watch us.
At one point, about ten minutes after Andrew got there, I purposefully slowed. Just enough to let Josh tag me. I wanted to see how quick I could catch someone else, instead of running from them.
"Finally!" Josh laughed in triumph, "Leandra's it!"
"Run, Andrew!" Zack warned him, "She's fast!" With a grin, I started off after the new boy, who squeaked and darted off. I nearly had him until he suddenly changed directions, barely dodging my swipes for him. I slid a little, landing on the soft grass with a laugh. He escaped before I could grab his leg.
I gave up on him, starting off after Josh instead when I got back up.
Thankfully, they weren't rough with me.
When Josh tagged Zack, or vice versa, they literally tackled each other. Bringing the other off their feet to the grass or sand, depending on where it was. Both laughed, so I knew they weren't hurt. Andrew didn't seem to want anything to do with that type of play either. Climbing up the slide, he stood at the top, looking down at them like I watched them from beside the slide.
"I think 'it' just switched like a hundred times." Andrew muttered down to me, and I laughed, stepping back when the boys wrestling threw sand in all directions.
"Victory!" Zack laughed, sitting on Josh's back, until he was flipped. They landed closer to me this time, and I moved again. Attempting to climb up the slide the way Andrew had done. When I started to slide back down, Andrew offered his hand.
Eventually, I let myself take it, and pulled myself up with his help.
"Thanks." I told him, and he laughed.
"Like I'd leave you stranded down there." He replied. Standing up there with him, I could comfortably watch Josh and Zack now. Safely out of the way. I could definitely see why Heather brought them here. She probably didn't want her furniture ruined.
It took several minutes for them to finally give up on wrestling, and they darted up. Running off toward the other side of the park. Andrew and I slid down, and the game resumed.
By the time we stopped playing, it was starting to get dark. We all lounged on the grass, catching our breath and talking. Sitting in a little bunch. Zack was laying down, but that didn't count.
Andrew wasn't so bad, I found. I felt drawn to him like all the others, and thinking about him, I knew he was there too. In that vision I had what seemed like so long ago, he had been there too. I recognized him with his shaggy brown hair and matching eyes.
This felt normal to me. I'd missed this without even realizing I had.
So I cheated. So what? Carlisle was just happy I made it the entire afternoon without damaging another child. So I knew these kids before. So what? I was playing. I glanced over, smiling a little at Carlisle's approving smile.
Having him actually approve of something I'd done was a different feeling than having Jack approve of something I'd done. It made me feel better, instead of making me feel even more pressure like I had with Jack. This was something good I'd done.
Despite remembering how much Carlisle had meant to me before, I was still learning that now. I needed to learn. I needed to let him teach me. I knew then that he knew I'd eventually get it. I just might take a little more time than most kids, because of how I was brought up, but he was willing to try.
"So," Josh said, "You're gonna come back, right?"
"What, here?" I asked, and he nodded, "I don't know. When do you guys usually come here?"
"Usually Saturdays or Sundays." Zack answered, "Mom works during the week, but she has the weekends off most times." I nodded.
"So we'll see you next week?" Josh asked hopefully, smiling.
"Maybe." I said, "I'll ask."
"So.." Andrew spoke up, looking at me, "Is that your dad?" The conversation moved seamlessly from one into another without us even really paying attention to it.
"Well, foster dad." I sighed, not really knowing how to answer. I hadn't had experience with talking about it yet.
"You're really lucky." Andrew replied, surprised.
"I know." I told him immediately.
"No, I mean." Andrew paused, "He's like.. The best doctor in the world."
I glanced to Carlisle again, watching as he spoke to the other parents. I actually hadn't been aware he was all that well heard of, to be honest. Sure, I was sure he was good at what he did, but maybe that was just a little detail that slipped. I wondered how many other little details got lost when I woke up.
"In the world?" I asked, skeptically.
"Well, at least in the country." He clarified, "Everybody knows who he is."
"That's not why I'm lucky." I murmured, shaking my head, "Just because he's a good doctor isn't what makes me lucky."
"Well, your dad is a cop." Zack pointed out, his eyes on Andrew, "Doesn't that make him popular, too?"
"Not really." Andrew shook his head, "Most people don't like cops, remember? Nobody's got anything against doctors."
"Your dad seems cool, at least." I offered, and Andrew smiled at me, "From over here, anyway."
"He is." Andrew nodded, "As far as dads go."
"So what made them bring you guys?" Josh asked, interested, "I've never seen either of you here."
"My dad says I read too much." Andrew admitted, resting his chin in his hand, "He says I need more friends."
"Well, he'll be happy then." Zack offered cheerfully, "Right?"
"There's nothing wrong with reading." I frowned, "Why would that be a problem?"
"I have no idea." Andrew laughed, shaking his head, "But I don't care. If it makes him happy, why not?" I nodded in agreement, "I love my dad. I mean, yeah, he's not perfect, but nobody is. There are worse people out there I could have wound up with." He didn't even know how right he was. I looked down briefly.
"What about you?" Zack asked, looking to me, "What made your dad bring you here?" It amazed me how easily they accepted the fact I wasn't with Jack anymore. They didn't seem confused by it in the least. Just curious, but that was something different.
"I have to learn how to be around other kids without beating them up." I admitted, looking down. I gave a glance around at the stunned silence, "What?"
"You can't hurt anybody." Josh laughed, laughing along with the other two.
"Yes I can." I said, slightly offended, "I do it all the time."
"No," He shook his head, "That's not what I mean. I mean, you seem too nice to be like that."
"To you guys." I allowed with a nod, "I don't know why I'm not mean to you." That was a lie. They'd been there before, so I did have an idea.
"It was meant to be." Zack sighed dramatically, laying to the side. I wasn't the only one finding that funny.
"Maybe." I murmured, shrugging a little. Again, he didn't know how right he was.
"Boys." We all looked over at Heather's voice calling a little ways away, "It's time to go. Come on, guys." Despite her only calling them, all four of us stood up, and headed that direction. I smiled a little at Carlisle as I neared his side.
"Bye, guys." Andrew smiled, and we responded likewise, "Next week, right?"
"Hopefully." Zack grinned, "Unless it rains."
I looked up at Carlisle as he stood up, letting him pull me into his side. Andrew and his dad walked away. Toward the small parking area outside the park.
Heather seemed fine now, but I could tell immediately by the way she looked at me now that she knew. Carlisle had told her what I couldn't tell her before. Considering it was her brother that had terrorized me, I didn't mind her knowing. She knew how her brother could be, she'd admitted it, and I knew she suspected something was wrong there.
I knew she had so many questions for her, but I knew I had even more questions for her.
However, right then wasn't the right time to ask them, so I let her hug me goodbye, and followed Carlisle back toward the car after bidding the boys goodbye.
It was so strange to return home after a good day. Every other try had failed, and every time, I knew the others were disappointed in me. Now I didn't have to worry about that. Today had been good.
On top of that, I fell straight to sleep that night. Worn out from running around all afternoon, I don't think I even moved. Curled comfortably, I didn't even remember dreaming.
Despite my good day the day before, I could feel it the moment I opened my eyes. It was July 14th. The day I was born ten years ago. I'd been alive for a decade. I felt it.
I knew I didn't need to dread today anymore, but it was learned by now. It'd take a few years, probably, to learn how to not hate my birthday.
All of the holidays or days of significance I hated. Of significance meaning all the days Jack could possibly use to make my life more of a living hell than it already was. Giving gifts usually in the form of another group of scars or bruises.
I'd never admit that, though. My birthday was one day I couldn't stand. My birthday, his birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and God help me on Valentine's Day.
I closed my eyes, hoping to just sleep through the day. I hadn't moved yet, so I knew they wouldn't bother me yet. Usually, all I had to was climb out of bed, and they'd know I was awake. It didn't take much to alert them.
I think I did manage to fall back to sleep for a minute or two, until I woke myself up again.
This time, though, I made myself climb out of bed. Struggling with emotion, I let myself drift out of my room, and up the hall. I wanted company, even if I was cranky.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty." Emmett called from where he probably sat on the couch all night. It wasn't the right time for them to need to hunt, and Edward wasn't around for him to torture. I sat down beside him, sniffling a little. That caught his attention, "Have a nightmare, shorty?"
"No." I mumbled, shaking my head. I yawned, and that seemed to ease his worry. Yawning sometimes made my eyes water, so that could easily explain my quiet sniffle. If I could get away with not admitting any more of my weaknesses, I would.
"Is Jasper around?" I asked, looking up at Emmett.
"Nope." He answered, "He and Alice are out hunting."
"Again?" I frowned, "They just went last week."
"Just as a precaution, shorty." Emmett replied, "You know we're just trying to keep you safe."
"I know." I sighed, laying back. I did know. I understood. I just hated knowing I bothered him so much by just being alive. He never seemed to blame me, and believe me, I looked for the signs, but that didn't help. I blamed myself.
"So." He said, trying to change the subject, and I looked up at him, "A little birdy told me something about today."
"A bird can't tell you anything." I sighed, looking forward again at the TV, "There's nothing special about today. Other than that I'm a burden again."
"Don't say that." He told me, throwing his arm around my shoulder and squeezing me into his side. I couldn't help laughing a little as I struggled.
If you've ever seen anybody playing idly with a playful puppy, that's about how it seemed with Emmett and I. He'd try to lightly cover my face with the palm and fingers of his hand, or try to tickle me lightly, but I'd try to grab his hand and push it away. He'd prevent me from grabbing his hand by moving it away until he made another attempt.
I was never angry at him, but it was something to do. It was a little game, I guess. He knew my moods now, and knew not to try that when I was irritated or grumpy. Today, it was okay. Today, I appreciated having my mind taken off of what day it was.
"Leandra." Alice's tone made me suspicious. She sounded way too happy about something. I slowly looked at her where she stood in the front doorway, slightly surprised they'd come back so soon in the morning. They must have gone the night before.
Emmett leaned over. Closer to me, "There's the birdy. Make no sudden moves." The way he said that made me laugh. She moved inside, Jasper trailing slower behind her. I offered him an apologetic smile, and he gave me a comforting one in return. Telling me silently that I was being stupid, being sorry for having a heartbeat.
"Funny, Emmett." She sighed, but she was smiling, so I knew she wasn't mad at him. She came to stand in front of me, and I looked up at her, "So. What do you want most for your birthday?"
I gave her an incredulous look.
"You're serious?" I asked, and she nodded, "Uh. I don't need anything." Emmett looked over, amused at the conversation.
"Please." She placed her hands on her hips, "Anything you want?"
"Okay, anything I want?" I asked, and she nodded, "I want for it to be tomorrow already. I want for today to never have happened."
"Aw, shorty." Emmett chuckled, "Come on."
I leaned back on the couch, sighing, "A million dollars, and a flamingo in a baseball hat." That one literally made Emmett laugh out loud, laying his head back, "Really, Alice. I hate my birthday. I always have."
I wasn't in the mood to laugh anymore.
"Why?" She asked, sitting to my other side, "It's such a great day."
"No it's not." I mumbled seriously now, shaking my head. She seemed concerned now, and even Emmett's laughter had ended as he looked at me.
"Okay." She finally said, "I got it. What you want most is to forget what day it is, right?" That took my attention, "I can do that."
"You can?" I asked, curious.
"I can." She nodded, looking to Emmett, "There's a storm coming." His grin was instant, and I remembered what happened last time she said that.
"Aw, Alice." I mumbled, "I don't want to have to go back to Phoenix. That really sucked."
"No." Alice laughed, shaking her head, "You don't know what we were doing, do you?" I shook my head.
"Don't tell her." Emmett requested, standing and pulling me up. He flung me up over his shoulder, and carried me off toward my room that way. I had to laugh, squealing breathlessly.
"Don't drop me!" I laughed up at him, clinging tightly to the back of his shirt. He pushed my door open, stepped across the room and dropped me on my bed.
At his insistence, I got dressed. Choosing plain jeans and a pale pink t-shirt. While I got dressed, Alice and Emmett rounded the other members of the family. Aside from Edward, of course, who had been spending so much more time with Bella lately after what happened a few months back.
Grabbing a jacket, we were off. I still hadn't a clue where we were going, but Alice told me she could distract me, so I was hesitantly hopeful. So far, the mystery was enough to keep me from locking myself in my closet and refusing to leave.
It seemed like no time at all that we arrived in a wide open, grassy field.
The field was huge. Of course, sitting on Emmett's shoulder made it seem a lot bigger as I had more of a view of it, but even that view was interrupted as he took me to the middle, and spun me around. I had to close my eyes at how fast he spun me, and I had to laugh. It was impossible not to as my stomach dropped at the sudden movement.
"Stop!" I squealed, clinging to his shoulders as tight as I could.
"That's not fair, Emmett." I was plucked from his shoulder, "Making her dizzy before she can learn." Alice was the one that had saved me. She set me on my feet, and I took two steps before I fell over. Luckily, the grass was soft so it didn't hurt to fall.
I had to lay there for a few minutes, waiting for the dark gray sky to stop spinning.
As soon as I was back on my feet, Alice took my shoulders in her hands, and moved me forward. Looking around us, we stood in the middle of the wide open space, and I half wondered why, until Alice kept me from wondering for too long.
"You're going to be pitching." She smiled at me, and I was surprised. Pitching? As in baseball?
"What?" I asked, confused as she placed a well-used and worn baseball into my hand. I was right. I had no idea they played the game. That must have been another little detail that had slipped away.
While everyone else moved to their places, I stood there with Alice, the baseball in my hand, looking up at her.
"So, I just throw it?" I asked, and she smiled.
"As straight and as hard as you can." She said, "Give it a try."
"Five bucks says she throws like a girl." Emmett called to me, and I stuck my tongue out at him.
"Let me aim at your head." I called back, and he returned the gesture I had given him, but grinned.
"Ready?" Alice asked me, and I nodded.
Jasper was waiting on me, so I bit my lip and just threw it. Of course, I couldn't throw like Alice could, but at least it flew straight, and made it to him without falling short. The sound the bat made as it hit the ball was loud, and I flinched with a laugh. Though I took a step back, I wasn't all that scared. Having watched him swing.
"Not bad at all, Leandra." Alice smiled at me, "Good job."
Okay, so this was fun. I couldn't contribute to the game any other way, but this, I could do.
I got better at it as I gained more confidence. When nobody made fun of me for my human throwing abilities, I started to learn more about the different ways to throw the ball, and I was quickly catching on. Since I wasn't officially on either team, I could stay there and keep throwing it.
It always amazed me to watch how fast everything moved once I let go of the ball. Of course, nobody ever missed hitting a ball I threw, and sometimes Alice would throw, but it was still fun.
"Next lesson." Emmett suggested after about an hour of playing, "Hitting."
"You want me to pick up a bat?" I asked incredulously.
"Sure." He said, "Come on, shorty." Nobody seemed to mind, so I handed the ball to Alice. And walked over to where Carlisle stood with the bat in his hands. I stood with him as he showed me how to hold it, feeling unsure about it. I was confident I would manage to hurt myself.
"I can't hit like you guys can." I said hesitantly, looking up at him, "If I can even hit it at all. I've never done this before."
"You'll do fine." He smiled, and he seemed perfectly confident. Despite how nervous I was, I figured why not try. The first two times, though, I flinched away from it. Just something about something being thrown at me made me move. Even if it was a slow throw.
Nobody seemed impatient, only supportive. Putting their game on pause to help me learn.
"Pretend it's Jack's head." Emmett suggested, and I frowned, looking over at him.
"Pretend?" I asked, confused. I didn't understand the word. I'd heard it before, but I never knew what it meant. He seemed surprised at first until he reworded it.
"Imagine, shorty." He said, and I understood that. I looked back to Alice, taking a breath. Nervously gripping the bat like Carlisle had taught me.
"You can do it." Esme offered behind me. I missed this one too, and I was getting discouraged. Mad at myself, and the way I was scared of the ball.
This time around, Carlisle decided I needed a little help, so he kneeled behind me. Helping me hold it straighter, and where it needed to be. I was still nervous Alice was going to hit me, but I comforted myself with the thought that Carlisle would move me or catch it before that happened.
Alice threw it, and this time with Carlisle's help, I hit it. Now I was getting it. It didn't go far, right back to Alice, but it was a start. Twice more I hit it with Carlisle's help, and now it was my turn to try on my own again.
She threw it straight to me, and this time, on my own, I hit it.
I knew it was stupid to feel so accomplished, but I'd never done anything like that before, and I grinned.
Just like pitching, the more I did it, the better I got at it. I didn't want to stop, but I knew they wanted to continue their game, so I kept my stupid grin, and handed the bat back to Carlisle. That, and I needed to sit. My arms hurt from swinging the bat so hard, and my legs hurt from standing for so long.
"Good job, Leandra." Carlisle told me with a smile, "You did so well." Two days in a row, I'd done well. Now, I could just sit and watch, perfectly fine with that. So I stepped back, and sat beside Esme who was still set to catch the ball.
The game picked back up from there, everything going a lot faster than it had been before.
Luckily, nothing bad seemed to happen during this game. Not like last time. I wasn't sure if they were keeping score or not, but I certainly wasn't. I didn't know the first thing about keeping score.
Before I even realized it, we had spent the entire day outside, and sometime passed late afternoon, the rain had found us. With little to no warning, only one particularly loud rumble of thunder that startled me straight to Esme's side, everything was suddenly drenched.
I laughed a little, shielding my eyes as I was soaked to the skin in a matter of seconds.
It wasn't long later that we returned home. I wasn't particularly eager to get back home, because I'd been having fun. Actually having fun. Today, of all days. I never thought it was possible. Once inside, I thanked Alice with a hug.
"We have to do that again." I murmured, sitting down after changing from my soaked clothes, "Soon."
"See?" Emmett grinned, "I told you she'd like it."
"Genius, it was my idea." Alice told him with a laugh. I laughed a little, shaking my head.
They continued arguing lightly beside me, but I stopped listening. Looking down at my hands in my lap, focusing on one long scar in particular on my skin. It was a thin one, not terribly bad and hardly noticeable anymore, but that stole my concentration.
How simple it was, that little thing could steal most traces of happiness, but it did. Like a nightmare while being awake, a single memory scrolled through my mind like a movie I couldn't turn off fast enough.
Something like a sickening form of panic settled into my stomach, and I knew that was left from the memory I viewed while sitting there. Seconds, maybe, had passed from the moment I focused my eyes on my hands and now, but it was enough.
"Shorty?" Emmett asked, and I shook my head a little. Forcing a smile, I looked over, "You okay?"
"Fine." I said, "Just spacing out, I guess." I laughed a little, hating deeply how I had to lie to him. I had to lie. Forcing myself to lie, and struggling to keep the screaming part of me silent.
He didn't seem to believe me completely, but it was enough that he let it go. Glancing over, I realized that I hadn't escaped Jasper's notice. His eyes on me, I didn't bother forcing a smile his way. He knew I wasn't feeling like smiling. He knew how I was feeling, his concerned gaze confirming that.
I managed to make it through the rest of the day without another memory like that.
However, that night, I did dream again. It was nothing light, or easy to handle. It was one of those dreams that stuck even after I woke up. I hated dreams like this, but there was nothing in the world that could keep them away.
Sitting there, the thunder and the dumping rain outside told me the storm earlier had found us.
It was dreams like this that really, fully made me realize that Jack was still out there somewhere. Probably still free. Probably just biding his time. Waiting for the moment when I'd go and find him again. Or he'd come and find me.
It was dreams like this that made that normally small sliver of insecurity blossom into something much bigger than I was. Despite knowing I was safe, protected when my family was around me, I couldn't help wondering. When would I see him again? When would he come back for me? Would he make me kill her this time? Would he decide I wasn't worth it anymore, and kill me?
There were also other more pressing issues I had to deal with.
Though my last encounter with him had left me pretty much physically unscathed, it taught me something I didn't want to know about myself. It taught me that all he'd done, and all I'd had to endure from him had made me, molded me into someone I almost didn't know.
Someone I didn't want to be, but was helpless to change.
That was a deeply frightening thought. Like there was another part of me, other than the part everybody saw, that could just do those things and not even bat an eye. Jack had taught me anger, and hate, and how to just hurt someone like they didn't even matter. He taught me how to hate someone so thoroughly, that it almost shielded me from turning that hate around on myself. Almost.
That even though he was no longer around me, or me around him, these dreams were still teaching me. I was still learning from them. That even though Jack wasn't there to teach me, I was teaching myself.
All these years of living with him, I learned so many things I never should have, but when I was smaller, to me, it was just something he did. Not quite normal, but I accepted it.
I could never forget it, and I could never ignore what that did to me. Just attempting to think back to some of the points of my past, threatened to squeeze tears from my eyes, but knowing I shouldn't cry. A darkness that wanted to hold onto me, and never let me go.
Nobody knew what I struggled with. Nobody really knew how hard, or how dark this was.
All they knew, was the smallest bit of details. I was beaten, and I was hurt. Repeatedly taught what it felt like to feel pain, but it was more than that. There was a lot more to it than that. Something behind those small details that they didn't understand.
They didn't understand how deep those scars ran. As if those scars were all that held me together. They didn't understand that when I went silent, my thoughts were loud. They didn't know that when I was quiet, I was remembering the harder times. They didn't realize that when I was quiet, that was when I felt the most pain. Remembering the way he shouted, and the way he whispered.
They knew the basics, they knew the main details, but underneath that, there was an infection I couldn't fix. A sort of poison in me that I thought if I ever let anybody know about what I lived through, I'd poison and infect them too.
There were six years of horrifying details I couldn't even think about, much less speak about. Things he did, and put me through that I'd never speak about. Fear keeping those secrets. Things he'd say to me, especially when he was in a darker mood. Things he'd tell me, and things I'd listen to. I had no other choice.
I could still hear all he told me.
How not to bother crying about what he did, because life was always that way. How the world was nothing but a place of pain, and that's all I ever had to look forward to.
How it'd be so easy. All I had to do was beg him to kill me. That I could get away from him when I was dead, and he'd be happy to give that to me. Because I'd done so well, and made him so happy. Condescendingly, of course, because I knew then that he would never be happy with me until I really was dead.
One way or another.
They didn't hear the sound of his voice when he wasn't shouting, or being condescending. They didn't hear what his voice sounded like in a murmur, or a whisper. They didn't know what it was like for me to want to cringe away with my entire body, but being unable to, because fear kept me still. To be trapped that way. All the time. The quiet way he told me these things made them even more effective.
How it was almost worse when he was being gentle.
Six years of darkness that would always be a part of me, and continue to teach me that hate was the one way I could be happy. To blame, and to hate others who were supposed to keep me from that sort of fate. To blame, and to hate others who never had to live that sort of life.
To ache with the need for revenge so final, they'd never recognize the pieces. For all of them.
But I fought it. Day in and day out, because I didn't want to be that way. I didn't want to be like Jack, but I knew better. Even from this day forward, if I never saw him again, I'd still turn out like him. At least, to some degree.
And if I could keep the others from knowing that, if I could hide my thoughts from Edward for as long as I could, I would. The only one that could possibly begin to understand how much I suffered would be Jasper. He could feel it, but he just couldn't understand why.
I didn't know if I should talk to him about it or not, as that would open the subject up for discussion. Something I really didn't want. I wanted to hide from it, and talking about it would just destroy that, however I did need to tell Jasper to not mention my pain to anyone else. I needed him to keep that a secret, like I was.
Because my family didn't need to know how dark the world could be. How suffocating it could be just to breathe. To keep breathing. I wanted to hide the disturbing truth, because they were such loving people. I guess I just wanted to protect them from knowing what kind of place the world was.
Or so I told myself.
I was probably more afraid of them discovering what kind of person I was. By admitting all of the things that happened, and all of the things I remembered and felt, I worried they'd finally agree with Jack, and discover how I wasn't worth it anymore. How I never had been worth it. I'd die the day that happened.
Up until that dream, the vision I'd had of my family, my life had been nothing but a damning nightmare. One that ensured I would always be this way. Ensured that I would never be normal, and I'd always remember these things. Filled with dreams of darkness, and fear.
My dreams would always be a thing to fear, because they were always real to me. Vivid reminders of things I'd gone through, and one of the many reasons why I still feared the darkness of a room without the light on.
Those few extra days with Jack were proving to be just as influential as six entire years of my life. I would never admit it, because I wanted to hide from it myself, but I hated much more thoroughly than any of them knew.
They'd never know, but tomorrow, I had to talk to Jasper.
A/N: So that took a very.. I don't even know lol
So here's chapter one. I hope you enjoyed it. :D
Chapter two is pretty much written out, but some things do need to be shortened, and re-gone over. It might take me a few hours to do but I do need sleep lol but never fear. Chapter two should (should) be out sometime tomorrow.
I promise not all the chapters are like this scene here.
I look forward to reading those reviews of those kind enough to leave me their thoughts. :} More than you know.
Until two, my beautiful readers. :D