AN: This story was written for last year's ficathon (I know, I took my sweet time before posting it here) and the theme was to write a story based on a song. Well, this is the end result, hope you enjoy!
Memories
(Makoto/Nephrite)
"Memories" by Within Temptation
14th of December 2000
The car is slowly making its way down the snow covered road, taking me closer to the place that for many decades has occupied both my dreams and nightmares.
While idly watching the passing landscape my attention is drawn to the music that seems to softly fill the silence that has reigned over the inside of the car for the majority of this trip.
I can't help but notice how ironically well the words of this song fit with my current situation: All of my memories keep you near/ In silent moments/ Imagine you being here/ All of my memories keep you near/ In silent whisper, silent tears.
I feel my eyes begin to sting, a sensation I know all too well as my mind reaches back to a time that most people today only know about from the pages of history.
The first time I passed through this place was 62 years ago. Back then I was only a teenager that had turned 18 a few weeks prior but even so my parents were already negotiating my hand in marriage to a man I was to met that night for the first time.
Flashback
25th of December 1938
The car had been silent for quite some time and the reason for that may or may not be my fault, I am not admitting to anything.
My parents telling me I might meet my future husband at this Christmas party we are to attend has managed to put a damper on my spirit, and that was putting it mildly. So let's just say that my last exchange of words with said parents was less cordial but as I said, I am not admitting to any blame in our current silent situation.
As the car took us nearer to the looming mansion in the distance my feelings of anger and betrayal were replaced with those of fear and anxiety.
"Lita, you know that all we do is in your interest" my father said from the opposite seat from which he was facing me "Nikolaus Steinmann's family is very influential, his father is a General and in these times we live in when talk of war is as common as bread he can give you the protection I cannot."
What father says I know for a fact to be true. After Adolf Hitler became Fuhrer he began spending most of our states resources into building the army. Every German citizen could feel it, the war was near.
My father's warm hand on my cheek drew my attention back to him "Lita, if I am to be drafted into this war I only wish to know you safe" looking into my father's eyes made me feel shame for my previous outburst.
"I am sorry for the way I have acted father, you know how impulsive I can be."
"Oh, don't I know it, you take after your mother so much" at that moment mother playfully whacked him over the arm then directed her smile towards me "don't worry too much about this darling, I met your father when I was about your age and though he may annoy me with his comments from time to time the two of you are the most precious people in my life, I'm sure it will turn out the same between you and Nikolaus".
I watched my parents look so lovingly at each other that I couldn't help but wish that my mother's predictions would come true.
Before my thoughts could go any further with their day dreaming the driver announces us of our arrival and again I feel that knot in my stomach that had previously been forgotten thanks to my parent's distraction. I take a deep breath for courage and step out of the car only to be met be the imposing Victorian style mansion.
End flashback
I am awoken out of my reverie by my driver opening the car door.
"We have arrived madam, though, hopping not to sound too rude I must ask if this is the right address?" Looking outside I can understand his question. The once imposing mansion was now an obviously abandoned, dreary looking house with broken windows, faded paint and a sizable portion of the roof missing. Not the sort of place a sweet little old lady would visit, maybe only a senile one, which must be the impression I was giving my driver if his surprised look was anything to go by.
"It's just as I thought it would be" at his perplexed expression I take pity on him and decide to clarify the situation a bit "I have not come here to pay a visit to an old friend but rather I thought it was time I relieve old emotions and face past memories" that should be the last nail to seal the coffin of my sanity in this young man's mind.
I am a bit surprised though to see understanding in his eyes as he nods to me "take your time madam, I shall wait in the car".
I am quite proud of my choice in personnel and make a mental note to give this employee a raise. Turning towards the house I feel the mundane preoccupations of everyday life leave me as another wave of regret for what could have been washes over me.
Sighing I walk up the stairs, the big wooden door is unlocked but it still takes some force to push it open from all the rust it's hinges has gathered. The entrance hall is a ghostly looking place, desolate with its furniture covered in white cloth made gray by dust and eerie silence that echoes my steps. I have half a mind to turn back and retreat to the safety of my car but I am past the age when I would have feared haunted houses, life has thought me that people are a more worthwhile entity to fear.
Being here again brings my memories back with such vividness I am momentarily overwhelmed. I can clearly remember the first time I walked through that same door, the majestic beauty this place once held, the bright colors of gowns, the noise of people and celebration, the Christmas decorations. It saddens me to see all that turn to nothing.
Flashback
As we enter the mansion my parents and I are greeted by various guests, acquaintances of my father but I soon find myself captivated by the imposing and beautiful interior of this house, rivaled only be its outer façade.
The moment you step into this house you can clearly say it's the dwelling place of a military man. The walls are of a dark green color with wooden panels of such a dark brown you might mistake it for black, covering a third of its length from the bottom up.
The stair cases are of the same brown-black colored wood and curve upwards on both sides of the room meeting in a balcony above the entrance of the dinning hall. The walls itself are 25 feet high with 20 feet windows adorned with gray velvet drapes.
I was pulled out my thoughts by the approach of our host. General Dieter Steinmann is a tall imposing man, easily a head taller than my 5'8" height. His hair is already white with age and cropped short, his dark blue eyes so cold and devoid of emotion it could chill a grown man to the bone. All in all if appearances were anything to go by, this man was more than worthy of his high rank in the military, his mere presents makes you fell the need to stand at attention.
"Good evening Mister Wiess, Ms Weiss, I am honored to have you as my guests" the General says while shaking hands with my father and inclining his head to my mother, then he turns his gaze towards me
"Good evening General Steinmann, it is a pleasure to be invited. May I introduce you to my daughter, Lita" father says while turning towards me and smiling. "A pleasure to met you young lady" he says while bending slightly in polite greeting. I give a curtsy and manage to say "likewise" without stuttering, a feat for which I feel a bit proud, though it only involved a two syllable word.
"I would like to introduce you to my son this evening, he is momentarily detained but will be with us shortly".
"I would like to met him as well" ah yes, the apple of discord between me and my parents earlier, the only son of the General who graduated top of his class at the military academy.
"Where is Nikolaus anyway, attending to military business" my father asks.
"Yes, he was called to look into something but it shouldn't take him long" and you could feel in the General's voice that he talks about his son with no small amount of pride, the only emotion showing on his otherwise stoic face.
"You must be so proud that he is fallowing in your footsteps" continues my father "not long ago my Lita helped with an article…" and on they went, praising their offspring, proud as peacocks.
You see, my father is the owner of the biggest news paper in Berlin, called "Weiss Wahrheit" and while visiting him once after school I pinched in with some ideas for an article, it wasn't a big thing really but my father always finds any opportunity to mention it to his friends.
Looking between the two men the differences were quite obvious. While my father was more laid back with a genuine smile on his face General Steinmann was ever stoic, maintaining an unreadable expression.
So this was my possible father in law, in this case I might as well join the army, I'm sure it wouldn't be too different from the way he runs his household.
"I must go greet some of my guests, but please, enjoy yourselves"
"We will, thank you" and with those departing words he disappeared into the crowd.
My father lead me and my mother towards the dinning hall, a place so grand that it could contain eight large dinning table and have plenty of room to spare for the dance area and live band that was playing.
We were taken by one of the servants to our table where my mother more than happily started chatting away with her high society friends while father talked business with some men over a cigar.
After being diligently interrogated by my mother's friend about matters of health, school and of course any possible love interest I may have (even teen drama seemed to be gossip material for these women) I was left to my own thoughts.
Being the only person under thirty at that table meant I would have a lot of time to myself while staying out of adult matters. This was fine by me, I was more than happy to watch the dancers that moved before my eyes in elegant steps of waltz, the multicolored dresses having an almost hypnotic effect as they gracefully passed each other.
Glancing towards the dinning room doors I see General Steinmann there, accompanied by a young man in uniform. They were greeting and talking to a group of people who seemed very interested in the newly arrived soldier.
Even from this distance I could see why that was. The soldier was the younger version of the General, equal in height to him with the same cold dark blue eyes and stoic expression. Only his young features and his short cropped mahogany hair set him apart from his father.
He had the sort of beauty that people admired at statues, chiseled features of course but at the same time a distant coldness that was quite imposing and intimidating.
Oh great, another military man that could probably make an entire regiment shiver in their knickers, could my future look any brighter with patches of pink?
He must have felt my gaze on him because he turned his head and looked directly at me. I felt like a deer caught in the headlight and I knew for a fact I had I bright blush from the heat radiating on my cheeks. Nikolaus looked utterly unaffected, if not rather bored as well. Right, that's the type of reaction you want to get from a future spouse. He might as well have yawned at that moment and make my humiliation complete.
I look down at my plate in an effort to look busy, maybe even adopt a distinguished air and not appear like the pathetic teen stuck at the adult table that I know I am.
"Good evening General, Nikolaus, or should I call you Lieutenant now?" someone at our table said and that's the moment I freeze, literally, my spoon was half way to my mouth and stopped mid-air.
I take a couple deep breaths while the greetings continue with our new arrivals which I can feel are standing right behind me.
"And this is my daughter, Lita" I sigh softly, thanks for warning me beforehand father. I turn around and extend my hand while smiling, well at least I'm ordering my brain to produce a smile but I'm not sure of the end result "pleased to met you"
"Nikolaus and the pleasure is all mine" if that deadpan voice was his pleased tone I would hate to hear him bored or angry.
"Lita, you must be bored sitting here with the adults" mentioned the General "Nikolaus, why don't you invite the young lady to dance?" he continued addressing his son while in my head I saw him adopting the role of Cupid. Lord, I do not want to think of that man in a diaper!
"Of course, where are my manners, Miss Lita, would you care to dance?" he asked while raising a quizzical eyebrow at my half amused, half disgusted expression caused by previous mental imagines.
"I would love to" I answered while my mind was in a fit as to why didn't I posses a stony unreadable expression as well. Oh no, my face just has to be the mirror to everything I feel and think, bah.
The song "Waves of the Danube" started so we began our waltz. My dancing partner though rather good on his feet wasn't much of a conversationalist and after searching my mind for any topic of discussion I came out empty handed. Giving up on that idea I opted to observe the people around us.
I could see my father talking to the General at our table, negotiating the dowry maybe. Seeing them there so deep in conversation made me recall their brief change of words upon our arrival and I couldn't help a smile from forming on my face when I remembered the proud way they tried to out match each other in praises for their children.
"You have a rather amused and silly look on your face, is there a reason for that?" my dance partner's voice breaks through my reverie. Hm, silly he says, I may overlook this now but in the future he may not get so lucky again.
"My mind was just having an internal debate" and I just left it at that.
"About…." But apparently that wasn't satisfactory for him.
"Well, if you look at our fathers you will see they are discussing something quite intently. That scene reminded me of an earlier conversation of theirs when they couldn't stop bringing praises to their offspring, meaning you and I" at this I move my index finger for emphasis "in my mind they just appeared as a couple of peacocks with ruffled feathers….it amazes me how two grown man, a General and business man non the less can still fall for such childish antics".
There I go again, being overly blunt and sincere, but I just can't help it, it's in my nature.
He blinks once, then twice before looking away. I was mildly upset by his reaction before I notice the almost imperceptible upturn at the corners of his mouth. Now it was my turn to blink once, then twice before my mind went into a victory dance.
End Flashback
After that night my fears started to slowly slip away, Nikolaus was no longer the gull I imagined he would be but a complex and mysterious man who drew me to him, igniting curiosity in me every time I was around him.
While in public places where we were surrounded by people he would wear his stoic mask flawlessly, when there was only the two of us though, he would let a small smile slip from time to time.
I loved seeing those little smiles, it made me feel proud and powerful for being the one he offered them to. With every passing day I felt drawn closer and closer to him. Back them I would call all these emotions as being the result of curiosity, only later would I understand that it was a much deeper and complex feeling than that.
Love, or rather the realization of it came gradually, so much so that on my wedding day I was still not certain of my feelings. The reason for this might as well have something to do with the short amount of time we courted. War was near so there wasn't too much time. We were engaged within three month and to be married two months after that.
In the span of those five months I made it my goal to receive a true, full smile out of him, not just teasing little smirks.
I laugh to myself as I walk up the stairs now, remembering those distant days, the happiest of my life regardless of the pressure of war, and that alone should say a lot.
Once on the first floor I search for the bedroom that used to be ours. The floor boards squeak in protest under my feet but I pay them no heed as I enter the chamber that holds so many memories. The four poster bed is still here but draped in spider webs rather then the velvet that used to once hang from its wooden structure.
I open the wardrobe, looking for an item I wish to see again, and there it is…after all this time, my wedding gown.
Looking at the dress I remember my wedding day perfectly, the day he finally graced me with his true smile.
Flashback
14th of May 1939
I sit in front of the mirror adjusting my dress, make-up or hair for the umpteenth time, doing whatever to keep myself busy so I don't break down from nerves.
Today is the big day, the day I will begin a new stage in my life, today is my wedding day.
I smooth down my dress though there is no wrinkle to be seen. It is quite a beautiful a-line style dress made out of lace and tulle. It also has a dark blue ribbon fastened with a crystal broche around my middle.
I start pacing the room in an attempt to calm myself. It's not that I dread this day, or the man I am to marry, quite the contrary, in the past few months I have come to enjoy and desire his company. No, the thing I fear is the unknown, the uncertainty of stepping in a new territory, a new role. I don't know how to be a wife, what if I do something wrong. I don't even want to begin to think about the wedding night for fear I might start hyperventilating.
Sure, mother tried having "the talk" a few days ago but I was so embarrassed I ended up not paying much attention to what she was saying. I already knew the basics from her speech from conversations with friend and older cousins.
Still, theory and practice, well…are not the same and my future husband of 24 I'm guessing would know more about the subject then just simple words… great, another embarrassing situation to add to my list.
I turn around as I hear the door opening and I see my mother stepping in. She comes towards me and embraces me in one of those hugs only a mother can give, warm and reassuring, just what I needed to calm my nerves.
When we brake from our embrace we start giggling at our own emotional silliness and she offers me her best wishes before heading towards the chapel, towards my new future.
We met father at the church. He was waiting for us outside to walk me down the aisle. He was as emotional as mother but put on a manly façade
After a few calming breaths we stood outside the door, waiting for the wedding march to begin.
Entering those doors was like passing through a portal to another world. Maybe it was only my emotional state but everything seemed lighter on this side, as if touched be magic. But the most enchanting thing of all was the figure waiting for me near the altar.
He was wearing his full dress uniform adorned with medals, making him seem even more majestic and imposing.
My heart was pounding in my chest as we approached the altar, all the while his eyes never left my face, even when father handed me to him.
The priest began the ceremony but everything except for my future husband seemed to morph into background color and noise.
"Do you Lita Edith Weiss take Nikolaus Ferdynand Steinmann to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poorer till death do you part?"
"I do" I say while trying to hold back the emotion from showing in my voice, though I wasn't very successful.
"Do you Nikolaus Ferdynand Steinmann take Lita Edith Weiss to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poorer till death do you part?"
"I do" and at that moment the most beautiful and real smile appears on his face making him, if possible, even more handsome. If he would smile more often I fear I may have to beat the women away with a stick, usually his cold demeanor keeps them at bay. I guess it's true what they say, you should be careful what you wish for.
He wakes me up from my reverie when he presses his lips to mine in the traditional kiss to end the wedding ceremony. We have kissed before, even if not often but this kiss made me feel tingles I never before experienced.
I sit in front of the vanity combing my long brown hair in an attempt to distract myself from thinking of the events that are to come.
I sigh when looking at the clock, it is well past midnight yet this is the first time in the past 18 hours when I am finally alone, able to look back and meditate on today's events.
The celebration was held at the Steinmann Mansion, the place being big enough for our long list of guests as well as grand and elegant so as to appease the most fanciful of tastes.
What fallowed our arrival at the mansion was a whirlwind of congratulations, hugs, kisses and of course plenty of dancing. I had completely lost track of time when Nikolaus suggested we should retire to our chamber since most guests have already left and those who remained, he knew from experience, would stay till sunrise.
I agreed with no small amount of anxiety, bid farewell to my parents, who were already preparing to leave, and went up the stairs to our room.
Nikolaus told me he would be up soon as well after he attended to some matters but I suspect he was doing it more for my benefit, to allow me some time to myself. I used that time to take a shower and change into a cute satin night dress. Now here I am, sitting at the vanity, chanting a mantra of "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this without embarrassing myself".
The room was silent and I found it relaxing to listen to the quiet sounds that one would usually ignore like the "tick-tack" of the clock, the brush softly moving through my hair, the click of the door lock…..Wait, what?
I turn around to find Nikolaus in the room. Well, all that military training has certainly made him stealthy.
"I'm sorry, have I startled you?" he asks while removing his tie.
"No, I was just deep in thought and didn't hear you come in" he nodded at my answer then went towards the closet.
"How many guests have remained?" I ask trying to keep our conversation going and not fall into awkward silence.
"Around 70 and as I mentioned before, I suspect at least half of those will stay till morning". Ah yes, he had already mentioned that but what else could I ask him? While my mind was searching for a topic of discussion I feel his hand on my shoulder. Looking up at him I see he has discarded his jacket and waistcoat and was now dressed only in his trousers and white shirt.
"You are nervous" and it wasn't a question, quite clearly an affirmation "you should not fret and think too much over it, just let your senses dominate you tonight". He lifts me up into his arms and takes me to the bed, laying me down on the pillows. He lies right next to me, half above me and I fear that I may have lost my ability to speak from my overwhelming nerves.
For a few moments he just looks down at me, his hand playing with one of my hair strands, then bending his head he presses his lips to mine in a soft kiss.
I can't stop my hands from wrapping around his neck while he continues moving his lips against mine. I feel his hand on my breast and gasp, giving him the opportunity to add his tongue to our heated kiss. He tasted of mint with a hint of alcohol and the way he explored my mouth had me panting beneath him.
Through a hazy mind I feel his hand inching up my thigh, bunching the material of my night dress in the process. His rough, calloused hand against my sensitive skin caused goose bumps to form all over my body.
In a bold move that may have resulted from the glasses of wine I drank or maybe the euphoric way he made me feel, I started to undo the buttons of his shirt. The feel of his warm skin under my fingers caused a rush of heat to course through my body.
He must have taken my actions as his cue to advance in his ministrations for he started to push up my nightgown in order to be rid of the obstructing cloth. With his arm around my waist he lifted me a couple of inches off the bed to be able to get rid of the gown. Once the dress was discarded my panties accompanied it soon on the floor.
For a moment I cover my breasts with one arm while the other tries to reach for the blanket only to have my wrist pinned to the mattress by my husband's hand.
"There is no reason for you to hide yourself from me" he says in a low husky voice that I barely recognize, coming from this usually emotionless man.
Taking my other wrist in his hand he pins it in a similar fashion he had done with my other hand thus leaving me completely exposed again to his gaze.
Lowering his head to the crevice of my breasts he starts planting little soft kisses there, making my breathing quicken. I felt him move his mouth to my left breast, while one of his hands found its way to the other.
My freed hand comes up to play with the strands of hair at the base of his head, turning later into scratches down his back when his mouth clamped around my nipple.
I close my eyes, letting my other senses take over. I can smell his cologne mixed with the sweat of our bodies, I listen to the sounds we make in reaction to each other, I once again feel his taste on my tongue as he resumes kissing me.
The most wonderful sensation though is through my sense of touch. I could feel his chest pressing above my own, I could feel a hand squeezing my breast while the other moved further up the inside of my leg, towards the apex of my thighs.
The ministration that fallowed once his hand reached its destination left me panting even more then before, making me feel a tightening inside me, taking me closer to a sensation that felt so foreign but that I needed with an intensity I never felt before.
And all of a sudden he stops, lifting himself from me.
Opening my eyes in confusion I see him removing his pants, a sight that makes me blush and turn my gaze towards the…oh so interesting vase sitting on the night stand.
I feel him above me again, chuckling at my reaction while sucking and biting on my neck. He begins parting my legs, placing himself in between and I feel the need that moment to make my worries known (such awful timing!) "you know I …don't actually, I mean my experience in this area….what I'm trying to say…" if only I could get my message across.
"I know it's your first time and I wouldn't have expected any less" he says close to my ear in a low voice "don't worry, I'll go slow".
I nod at his words and feel him slowly enter me and pull back when I gasp in pain, then went in again, he continued this slow motion a few more times, each time going deeper before entering me completely in one swift thrust that broke my barrier.
My scream of pain is muffled as his lips cover mine in a possessive kiss. He waits a few moments for me to get used to him inside me before starting to move again.
At first it did hurt but before long my hisses of pain morphed into moans of pleasure as each of his thrusts came quicker and harder. I even surprised myself when I instinctively lifted my hips to meet his thrusts, but I don't think he minded much if the sounds he was making were anything to go by.
And so we spent the remainder of our wedding night, in pure bliss.
End flashback
The days that fallowed our wedding were among the happiest of my life. Even with the fret of war at our doorstep I couldn't have felt safer then in the company of my husband.
My father had been right, inside the Steinmann Mansion I felt like in a fortress, untouched by the growing violence outside. But I already expected this, what I haven't expected though was how deeply in love I would fall with my husband and how happy he would make me.
But as they say, all things must come to an end. The end of my happiness came on the 1st of September 1949, when WWII began in Europe.
Nikolaus was drafted to fight on the eastern border and for the next year and a half I lived in constant worry and misery, checking each death and wounded list that arrived from the battlefield.
I can still remember my inability to breath every time I went over such a list, only able to sigh in relief after I'd made sure his name wasn't on them.
Thankfully my father had not been recruited for the war. Being 56 years old with no military training he didn't seem much of an asset for the army and he didn't insist on going either. Thank heavens for that, I don't think I could have handled knowing him off fighting somewhere as well.
The General, being of such high rank, was one of Hitler's war advisors and assisted the war by plotting strategies and presiding over the coding and decoding unit, so during the war he had rarely left Berlin.
I head towards the drawers looking for something I know to be there and I am not disappointed by what I find. Though a bit yellowed by time the letters he had sent me from the front lines were still in good condition.
I feel so attached to these small pieces of paper it is almost silly for a woman my age, but these yellowed pages were my beacon of hope when everything else around me seemed to be crumbling.
He used to send me letters monthly, telling me of how he was faring, thoughts that happened to be passing through his mind at that moment, always ending them with a hopeful "I will return to you"
Then, all of a sudden his letter didn't arrive one month and neither did it the month after that. I must admit at that point I had began to panic, I would have sent him a letter to make sure he was safe, but I had never been able to do that since they were always on the move, going from one battle line to the other.
Not knowing is the worst state a person can be in. I felt useless, not able to do anything for him, not even discover is he was well or injured, I didn't want to even consider the possibility of him being dead.
After almost three month of emotional torture the answer had finally came to me one rainy spring day.
Flashback
17th of March 1941
It's pouring rain outside but I don't care as I sit in the swing hanging from an old oak tree. I remember I used to love rains, love the feel of the drops of water splashing on my skin, love the smell it would leave it its wake but recently I seem to not be able to take pleasure in anything.
It's been three months already since Nikolaus sent his last letter, many would not consider it a long period of time but I know how diligent he is, he wouldn't have waited this long to send a letter unless something detained him or…no, I won't thing about that, I refuse to put myself through those thoughts again.
I get of the swing and head towards the house, I have been gone for quite some time.
While living here I have learned that General Steinmann was not a dictator as I had once imagined him to be, even if he tended to be strict and distant. I imagined it must have been hard for him as well, not having any news of his only child.
Coming out of the garden I see two military cars leaving the driveway. I don't think too much about it, imagining they were here to see the General. Entering the house I head up to my room to change into some dry clothes since I'm wet to the bone. Once inside my room I find there is a military duffle bag in the middle of the floor. And I just stand there, wide eyed, staring at it. Could it be…can this mean?
"I never imagined my bag was so interesting" and I feel my knees weaken at the sound of his voice. I turn around and there he was alive and well, and I'm sure tears are running down my face as I look at him. For a moment I don't know what to do, hug him, kiss him, or snuggle him. In the end I opted for all of the above.
Once his arms are around me everything settles back into place, his lips moving against mine seem to erase all the misery of these past few months.
"I have missed you so much" I manage to say between kisses and anything else I might have though to put in was soon muffled by his lips.
After finally breaking apart I manage to take a good look at him. He had a scar running on the right side of his face from the temple to his jaw line. He looks so tired and pale that it makes me surprised to not have noticed all of this earlier.
"You look exhausted, lets sit down" he nods and reaches for the cane rested against the wall. I watch him limping towards the bed and follow close behind. I sit next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, not sure if I should voice my curiosities.
"You can ask me if you want" I look up at him surprised "I can feel your anxious to know, the only thing I ask of you though is to stop feeling pity for me" I open my mouth to protest but he stopped me by continuing "I saw the way your eyes widened when you saw the cane" he says coldly while looking away.
For a moment I felt anger that he thought that of me, then after calming down I let him know how I truly felt.
"You are wrong" he turns around to look at my, with a skeptical glint in his eyes "it was not pity I felt but pain…can't you understand you idiot, I love you so much that when you are happy I can't help but feel the same, and the things that hurt you, hurt me as well". I finish as I stare into his eyes, tears trickling down my cheeks.
I feel his arm wrap around my waist as he pulls me closer, his hand coming up to touch my cheek as he rests his forehead against mine "it seems the ugliness of war has made me forget the wonderful things I still have in my life" he whispered close to my lips "I love you Lita" and seals his words with a kiss.
He was a proud man that didn't apologize often, he rather preferred to show his repentance through actions, though I must admit I wasn't complaining of his methods.
End Flashback
I put the old letters into my purse, they are mine after all and I find that I am not able to leave them behind.
I remember Nikolaus had later told me of what had happened. The reason why he was not able to send any letters was because he had been sent on a secret mission from where he could not communicate with anyone for about two months, all messages sent to the camp were encoded and hand delivered by one of his subordinates. They had been discovered by enemy forces though and most of his men had been killed, while he received his leg wound and a contusion to the head that knocked him out for a few days.
Waking up in the hospital he was told that they managed to save his leg but the bone was so fractured he wouldn't be able to use it to its full capacity again and will probably need a cane for the rest of his life. Because of this, he was no longer considered fit to fight and was sent home.
Once he arrived home he was given the rank of Capitan for the bravery shown in battle but the biggest honor of all came when he was offered to become part of the SS, Hitler's elite army that mostly dealt with Jews and concentration camps.
Nikolaus though didn't see it as such an honor, he would often say how they changed his status from a soldier to a jail guard. He was to work at the Sachsenhausen concentration camp just outside of Berlin, and he despised that though. I knew he'd rather be on the battle field then there but to refuse the position of SS military would mean to refuse the Fuhrer himself.
I have to admit that I had been selfishly happy to know he would work in a place that presented minimum danger, to know that he would come home from work every day as any working man did before the war but soon I found myself wondering if it was worth the change it caused in him.
Every day I would notice Nikolaus become more quiet, closing in on himself. Sometimes he would come home from Sachsenhausen with such a hallow look in his eyes that it made me fear for his sanity.
Trying to talk to him was in vain, he would never tell me what went on there instead he strictly prohibited me to ever bring up that subject, saying it was for my own good that I didn't know.
He started coming home late or in the early hours of the morning, always explaining that he had been detained to take care of some things. He was acting very strange and it annoyed me to be held in the dark like that, as if I were a mere child, incapable of understanding grownup situations.
Flashback
23rd of November 1941
It is three o'clock in the morning and I find myself pacing the room, unable to sleep knowing that Nikolaus has not returned yet.
This situation has gone on for some time now, him coming home late, giving the same old explanation that he was held up at work.
I had gotten used to this and even gave him the benefit of the doubt, choosing to believe him. So what makes tonight different, well, around noon I had received a phone call from one of his colleagues at the concentration camp telling me to let him know that he would take care of the documents and that Nikolaus didn't have to return that day if he still felt ill.
To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I struggled not to drop the receiver while promising to pass on the message. He had taken a sick leave for that day yet I knew he left early in the morning.
So here I was, 15 hours later, nervously pacing around not knowing if the next time someone would see him it would be in a ditch.
I hear the door open and turn to see him come in and at that moment I'm not sure if I want to throw my arms around him or hit him on the head with the nearest object. He closes the door then turns towards me with a surprised look on his face.
"Why are you still up?" he asks in a tired voice.
"Where have you been?" I ask with hands firmly set on my hips.
"You know where, now you haven't answered my question".
"Neither have you".
He sights in a tired sort of way, rubbing his temples, leaning even harder on his cane.
"We will have this conversation tomorrow, I am far too tired to deal with this right now" he says in such an exhausted voice I am almost persuaded to drop the subject but my stubborn half disagrees.
"So you need until tomorrow to think up a good excuse as to why you took the day off, presumably sick, yet left home pretty early in the morning, only to return at this hour"
"How do you know about that?" he asks in an annoyed voice, looking suspiciously at me.
"Capitan Schiffler called, he wanted me to let you know he'll be taking care of some documents" he seems to be frozen in place for a moment, expression undecipherable.
"And what have you told him?" he asks looking straight into my eyes, testing the truth of my answer.
"That you were asleep and I would pass on the message" hearing my words he visibly let out a sigh.
"Now, are you going to answer my question?"
"I told you, we shall talk about this tomorrow".
"Is there another woman?" I immediately regret asking that question, I don't know what came over me. It had only been an idea that made its way to my mind during the nights I would wake up alone in bed, not knowing where he was.
The glare he was directing at me was enough to chill me to the bone.
"What did you just say?" he had never before addressed me in such a cold voice and I feel stupid for even asking the question. I mean, what man takes a sick leave to visit a mistress when he can do so after work.
"Nothing, just forget it" but by the look he was giving me that didn't seem probable to happen.
"Another woman you say?" he asks while advancing towards me, baking me up towards the wall "do these dirty, mud stained clothes lead you to believe that I have been out visiting my mistress" my back touches the wall and I can only stare up at him feeling like a pray trapped by its predator.
"Damn it woman!" he screams while his palm hits the wall beside me, effectively trapping me "I could have been dying in a ditch yet your worries were whether or not I was whoring around" I tried to say that I had been worried sick for him but his booming voice interrupted me.
"Are you that much of a rich spoiled brat as to think of only yourself" his words hurt me deeper then he would ever know, how dare he say those things of me when I would willingly give my life for him. I can feel my eyes stinging with tears as I look up at his harsh gaze.
"You are ignorant to what happens around you. What do you know of the pains this war has brought when all you've ever had to worry about was whether your shoes match your dress and apparently other women now as well" he says, mocking me with his words and I could no longer hold my tears back.
How can he be so cruel, is this how he has always seen me, shallow and stupid, nothing but a trophy bride.
"You call me ignorant but might I remind you that it is you who keeps me in the dark, always hiding things from me, sheltering me and now you accuse me of something you created" I say in a low voice as I stare at the floor, not wanting to see his hurtful gaze anymore.
"As for not having experienced the war, you are WRONG" I couldn't stop myself from shouting that last word, speaking my mind with more ferocity "You think the battle is only seen through the eyes of a soldier, or that pain is only felt by those who fight. You know what? You are WRONG again" I say while looking him in the eyes.
"You forget about those that remain behind waiting for their loved ones, those that have to live through every day as if blindfolded. You know nothing of the torment I went through when I stopped receiving news from you, of the constant state of worry I was in" and I felt in that moment the need to bitterly add "and all this beside those SHOES that didn't MATCH" he didn't say anything but his eyes had softened and I could almost make out a hint of regret in them.
We remain in silence for a few moments, each looking in another direction, not knowing what else to say.
I feel his arm wrapping around my middle, his cheek resting on the top of my head and in the form of a peace offering I allow my hands to circle his middle, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I didn't mean all those things I said to you, it's just been such a tiring night" I nod and he tightens his hold on me.
"Are you willing to shed some light on today's events, or would you still rather keep me in the dark?"
"I will one day, just not now. I'm not doing this out of possessive reasons or chauvinistic ideas, I just couldn't forgive myself if something were to happen to you because of me."
"Let's go to bed, you are so tired I feel like I'm holding most of your weight up"
"I will have to undress first" he says while looking down at his dirty clothes.
"I could help you with that" I answer with a wink and I think he liked my idea for he grinned back.
End Flashback
Looking around the room one last time I decide it's time to leave. Who knows how long it will be until this house shall receive any visitors again, if ever.
Walking down the corridor I can't help but remember the distinct noise Nikolaus's steps made on this floor, the tap tap tap of his cane accompanying his footfalls. It was a noise I had come to await in anticipation, for it always announced his arrival.
After our fight that night things didn't change very much. He continued coming home late, the shadows of worry and tired expression continued to frequently show on his face.
Reaching down stairs again I spot the room I had been trying to avoid. Sigh, since I'm here I might as well face my demons.
The General's study is dark and gloomy but that isn't much different from what it was before.
Seeing it again vivid imagines of that dreadful day overwhelm me, and I collapse against the door.
Flashback
16th of May 1942
I love tenting to my flowers, I always have since I was a little girl. The gardens had a relaxing effect on me, during my stay here this place has been my refuge, my place of meditation, witness to both happy and sad moments of my life.
While watching the landscape, my hand out of habit finds its way to the small swell of my abdomen. It's such a strange yet wonderful feeling knowing that a new life is growing within me.
My moment of peace is broken by the hasty approach of my husband. He has a rather disheveled appearance with his hair tousled and clothes stained in blood and dirt. His face is clouded by anxiety and fear as he approaches me.
"What has happened, what is the matter?" I ask as I feel fear taking over me as well.
"We have to leave, quickly, I shall explain everything on the way" he grabs my hand and rushes me towards the house.
As we reach the corner of the mansion I see two military cars in the distance, coming down the drive way
"Damn it, there is no more time" he says pulling me towards the back entrance of the house and into his fathers study.
Once there he opens the secret door disguised as a book case that leads to a small chamber.
"You will wait in here until they leave and then head straight to your house" he says while trying to push me inside the small compartment but I was of a different opinion.
"No, not until you tell me what's going on, I am tired of never knowing…please just trust me this once and tell me"
"Lita, this isn't the moment…."
"Well the moment never seems to come" I interrupt his usual speech which I have by now learned by heart "I worry for you and need to know what's going on, please Nikolaus" I say while looking pleadingly into his eyes.
He covers my cheek in his big hand and sights "I wish I had explained things to you earlier, confided more in you but it's too late now, we have not the time for me to properly say all there is to know but I want you to be sure of one thing Lita" he says while bending his head towards mine "I love you more than I have been able to show during our marriage, you and our child" he says while touching the swell of me abdomen "are the most important beings in my life"
He seals his words with a kiss that has such finality in it I fear to think of what it means. Throwing my arms around his neck I hold on tighter to him, deepening our kiss, savoring every moment of it.
We break apart when we hear loud knocking at the door.
"Quickly, go inside" but before he pushes me in I embrace him, not willing to let go.
"I love you Nikolaus, I can't leave you, why can't you hide here with me."
"Because it is me they are after and will search relentlessly until they find me. This place though hidden isn't that hard to find if they put their heads to it and I can't endanger you more than I already have"
"I don't care what happens to me, I can't let you be bait in order to save"
"You must, I am no longer the only person you have to worry about, what about the baby" he says stepping out of my arms. At that moment we hear the doors breaking.
In one swift move he manages to get me inside the small room "now please keep quiet and everything will be fine" he says before closing me inside.
The small room has an opening above one of the book selves, which allows me to see above the books lined there. Through it I watch Nikolaus heading towards the door only to reach it when it bursts open.
The soldiers on the other side of it point their rifles at him, backing him up in the room again. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it loud and clear, I'm amazed those outside haven't yet.
"Capitan Schiffler, we have found him" with that more soldiers entered the room lead by the Capitan himself.
"Check him for weapons, be thorough" I see Nikolaus lifting his arms, allowing two of the soldiers to disarm him.
Capitan Schiffler approaches Nikolaus and punches him in the face before sneering down at him.
"People like you Steinmann disgust me, a bunch of traitors that turn their backs on their country and for what? to free a load of animals."
"And people like you disgust me Schiffler, cruel, arrogant, with no respect for life. Do you believe yourself superior if you treat the Jews as animals?"
"Your father doesn't mind our methods, he didn't even try to intervene for you, saying you were no longer his son" those words had hit their mark for I saw pain flash through his eyes even if for just a moment.
"You have gone quiet, no smart quip to add?"
"Non that you would comprehend, lets just leave."
"Oh, but we are not done here" he turns to the other soldiers "Husser, Kurtz guard the door, the rest of you search the house for Ms Lita Steinmann" I am shocked to hear his command and the look on Nik's face seemed to mirror my feelings.
"She has no involvement in this"
"Well, maybe not directly but she is your wife and I have always found her to be a very beautiful woman" he says with a suggestive look that made me feel nausea.
"You will die before you touch her"
"You seem to forget who has the upper hand here" Schiffler says while pointing his gun at my husband.
"I have fantasized about your wife before" he says, baiting Nikolaus to react "plus I'm sure the rest of my men wouldn't mind her…company either"
Nikolaus remained still as a statue, the only sign of emotion being the glint in his eyes that showed his desire to kill at the first opportunity.
Just then a soldier entered distracting Schiffler for a moment. Taking advantage of the situation Nikolaus launches at him struggling to take the gun out of his hand.
Watching the scene I feel the urge to go there and help him but his earlier words kept replaying in my mind "I am no longer the only person you have to worry about"
All of a sudden, I hear a shot go off and I am torn to see the person falling to the ground clenching his chest was my husband.
I cover my mouth in an attempt to muffle my sobs. Tears are cascading down me cheeks as I slide to the ground.
I feel so alone, so scared, I feel like I should have died today as well.
I wake up on the floor, curled up in the fetal position. I must have passed out quite a while ago since looking through the opening I notice it's already dark outside.
Cautiously I step into the empty office and tip toe towards the door.
Today I have lost the person that was most dear to me and had watched his death occur, helpless to do anything. Remorse is eating me up inside, while my mind if filled with "if only". If only I were stronger, if only we would have known earlier they were coming, if only he wasn't so protective of me.
Why didn't I do anything, why? Then, at that moment I know the reason.
The innocent life growing within me, the small part of him that I still have needs my protection, with this thought in mind I step into the hallway which thankfully is empty and out of the house leaving my memories behind.
End flashback
Why have I come here? Why did I put myself through this? Am I that much of a masochist? I think while shaking with sobs.
After leaving this place I had found refuge in my parent's house, with their connections we managed to get to Switzerland which was a neutral country. There is where my baby boy Nikolaus Steinmann II was born.
Everyday he resembled his father more and more, both in looks and manners. I never remarried but rather dedicated my time to raising my child.
Today I have two grand children and four great grand children around which my world revolves. In each and every one of them I see a part of him, whether it is in their manner of speaking or physical looks and knowing Nikolaus lives on through them brings me joy every day.
I wipe my tears and leave this house passing through its front doors for the last time.
Historical Data:
The SS were a military group separate from the main army and responded directly to Hitler, kind of like his personal army. They dealt mostly with concentration camps but a part of them went to the battlefield as well.
The SS was divided in three groups and the SS Totenkopfverbande dealt exclusively with concentration camps. This was the group Nephrite was assigned to (poor guy).