Title : Nightmare
Author : Jaggie 107
Disclaimer : JAG characters belong to DPB, CBS and Paramount – and I hope all parties will allow me to have fun for a little while, and replace them all when I'm done. Thank you.
Summary – After visiting Harm at Mattie's bedside, Mac has a nightmare vision…
Set in Series 10, around 'Death At The Mosque' (the episode where Harm snubs Mac trying to help him), but the phrase "Do I give you nightmares?" (Harm, to Mac – 'In Thin Air') brought this story to mind, and wouldn't leave me alone!
NIGHTMARE
Mac's Apartment, late at night…
Mac twisted in the sheets, her eyes closed but far from restful sleep. The wreck of the SUV taunted her, the torn metal, the burning rubber, and the prone body, slumped forward, held awkwardly in the seat belt, broken and bleeding. Harm. Harm's face taunting her, Harm's mouth telling her he didn't need her. Harm's eyes saying so much more.
"No!"
Mac sat up in her bed, unaware of her surroundings, knowing only that she had to find him. His broken body still imprinted in her mind.
Harm's Apartment, later, same night…
As the door opened, her key still pushed into the lock, Mac fell forward. Harm caught her as she stumbled into the apartment and they both stared in stunned silence at each other, before Mac uttered disjointed words.
"You…alive…dead…I saw you…!"
With shaking fingers Mac traced Harm's face, and he waited while she sought to reassure herself.
And then Mac did something that neither of them expected.
She passed out.
Shocked, Harm easily lifted Mac into his arms and carried her up the steps to the bedroom, to his bed. He removed her slippers and pulled the comforter over her. He had already checked that she didn't have a fever and it was just a matter of waiting for her to come round; failing that, he would call 911. As he waited, his brow furrowed in concern, he recalled the fact that Mac had only been wearing slippers, and she had no coat. It was winter, and she had no coat!
"My God, Mac, what brought you out on a night like this?" he muttered to himself, and was surprised when he received an answer.
"I thought you were dead…" Mac's gaze focused on him, her eyes red rimmed, but she remained still, unmoving beneath the comforter.
"Hey," Harm attempted a smile but it fell short, and Mac closed her eyes in defeat. It had been a mistake, she thought, to come to him. But that nightmare had been so real.
"I…I didn't…did I pass out?"
Harm nodded, unable to force words past the lump in his throat. It was becoming obvious that Mac had been so shaken by something she had seen or heard that rational thought had fled and left her in a panic.
"You…er…you were still wearing your slippers, and no coat. Mac, what were you thinking? You were frozen! You could have gotten pneumonia! You still might," Harm finished, shuddering at the image of Mac unconscious in a hospital bed.
"You're okay, so I'll go…" Mac began to sit up, pushing the comforter aside. As her feet touched the floor and she tried to rise, so her legs buckled and she fell back, sitting inelegantly on the bed. Harm came up behind her, propping her up with an arm around her shoulders, his face close to hers.
With an anguished sigh, Mac gave in to the emotions that flooded through her. The regrets, sorrows, and pains of their past culminating in his rejection of her help at the hospital. With a sound something like a sniffle, Mac turned into his chest and bawled like a baby. It was very un-Marinelike, and totally unlike Mac to be so emotional, but Harm had no hesitation in closing his arms around her, waiting out the storm of her tears until they settled into an occasional hiccup, and finally stopped. Mac, however, stayed with her head bowed against his chest.
"I'm guessing it's pretty damp down there now," Harm murmured, and he felt Mac's head move against his chest as she nodded. "Any chance you want to come up here to a dry spot?"
"Do I have to?"
"I'm not beneath bribery…I have tissues," Harm responded, and was rewarded with a soft laugh as Mac raised her head, leaning back slightly to look at him. Harm raised a hand to brush back her hair from her face, and took in her teary gaze. "I'm sorry I pushed you away, Mac."
"It's okay, Harm…I've been doing enough pushing myself…"
"It's not very productive, is it? All this pushing is getting us nowhere. We still end up together…"
"Yes, we do…" Mac acknowledged the obvious. The push and pull. The merry go round. The dance that had defined their later relationship. All they served to do was bring them back to the same point in their lives where they opted to 'start again', perpetuating the cycle.
"Are you ready to make a change?"
"Change?" Mac echoed, confusion showing on her face. Harm grinned as he leaned forward slightly, so their noses almost touched.
"I'm talking about being together for all the right reasons. Because we want to; not because that's where we are in the cycle once more."
"I want to be together because…because I love you, Harm," Mac stumbled only slightly, but her words had silenced Harm. Mac sighed and pulled away, the pain of rejection showing on her face.
"Whoa! Where do you think you're going?"
"Time I went home…" Mac began, not looking at Harm until he pulled her back against him, her back to his chest. Her head tucked neatly under his chin, she felt the vibrations of his words as he spoke.
"You are home, Mac. Please, let me say…what I need to, to convince you…" Harm felt Mac nod her head slightly, and he tightened his grasp around her, wanting to see her face but not wanting to let her go. His words washed over her, telling her of his hopes and fears, and of his wishes. Mac eventually turned in Harm's embrace and sat in silence as she raised her hands to cup his face.
"I love you, Sarah Mackenzie. I know when I realized it too, but I couldn't…wouldn't tell you because you were happy, with Brumby."
"And you had Renee," Mac whispered, but Harm shook his head.
"I wanted you…"
"I know," Mac's eyes filled with tears and she sniffed inelegantly, but continued to speak. "I thought I loved Mic, but he was right. I was only with him because I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't give myself to anyone else because I had already given myself to you, I just couldn't come to terms with that, and that's why I pushed you away. I know I came on to you, in Sydney, but I did it knowing that it would push you away, if only for a little time, but I wouldn't wait for you. I'm sorry for that, Harm. I'm so sorry for not giving us a chance back then. I was so afraid that I would ruin what we had, that I did the only thing I thought I could do. I ran to another man. And I've continued to do that. I ran to Clay."
"And Vukovic?" Harm asked the question, even knowing she had already denied any involvement with the junior officer.
Mac smiled sadly. "I deserved that question. Harm, we can't keep apologising…"
"I know. We have to forgive ourselves and each other, and move on."
"Together?"
The word was a whisper, barely there, but Harm heard everything he needed to in that one word. The hope for a future.
"Together," he acknowledged.
Mac dropped her hands slowly from Harm's face and rested them against his shirt, feeling the heat of his skin beneath. Her eyes never left his face.
"I, Sarah Mackenzie, hereby forgive myself and you for all things past, so that I might move on with my life, and my love for you."
Harm smiled as the words settled in his heart, and he put his hands over Mac's where they rested on him, and echoed her words.
"I, Harmon Rabb, hereby forgive myself and you for all things past, so that I might move on with my life, and my love for you, Sarah Mackenzie." The tip of his tongue peeked from his teeth as Harm tipped his head at Mac. She smiled at the familiar gesture, and waited. It usually preceded or succeeded a comment of his.
"Will you marry me?"
Mac's hands dropped from his chest and came together in a prayer clasp, her fingers pushing against her mouth to still the tremor there.
Marry! Harm!
Harm watched indulgently as Mac fought more tears, and lost. As these were happy tears, she continued to shed them copiously, and at the same time threw herself at Harm, knocking him askew and pushing them both down to the mattress on his bed.
"I'll take that as a 'yes', shall I?" Harm asked conversationally, bringing his hands up to push Mac's hair back so that he could see her face. Her tears splashed on his cheeks as she nodded wordlessly, and then said the very thing he wanted to hear.
"Yes…" Yes, yes, yes! Mac felt like she was doing cartwheels, when actually she was leaning into Harm and rubbing her lips gently against his, inviting him to take the kiss further. Before he could, Harm felt he had to say one more thing.
"Mattie…" Harm began, and Mac pulled back a little, but the smile on her face and in her eyes spoke volumes.
"Mattie is a part of your life, Harm. I know that…as Chloe is still a part of mine. If we…" Mac faltered, and Harm touched her lips with his finger and continued.
"When we are blessed with another child, or children, they will have two very adoring sisters to greet them."
"Harm, what if we can't conceive…if I can't carry…?" Mac protested and Harm's heart felt the pain of hers, but he took a deep breath and gave her one of his brightest smiles.
"Children are a blessing, and it's not the source of the parentage but the love and care given that makes a family. However our family comes about, Sarah, it will be our family. For better or worse."
"For richer or poorer…" Mac murmured, and Harm grinned.
"It's going to cost me a fortune in shotgun pellets," he muttered in mock indignation at the thought of keeping lecherous young admirers from the females in his family. Mac laughed in honest good humor and Harm stopped to listen to the magical sound. Mac's laughter faded to a chuckle and then to silence as the moment grew, and then Harm brought her down to him and kissed her, responding to her invitation of moments before, and carrying them both much further.
Harm's Apartment, early next morning…
Harm woke up to the usual sounds of early morning in his apartment, the traffic outside the window, the birds on the window ledges, yet… something was different!
He was aware of the warmth beside him in the bed, he knew the night before had not been a dream, he had held Mac in his arms all night, secure in her love for him, and his for her.
Declarations made, and received.
And yet…
"What are you thinking, Sailor?"
"I feel different…" Harm answered without thinking, and Mac laughed huskily, sleep still in her voice.
"Mmmn, me too," she agreed, turning in Harm's embrace to face him, her eyes taking in his expression of wonder. "Harm?"
"Hmmn?" Still distracted, Harm looked at Mac and she raised a hand to his face, feeling the stubble on his cheek and chin and closing her eyes briefly as she remembered the same stubble on her skin through the night and into the early hours…
"Mac?"
"Huh?" Mac opened her eyes at the sound of her voice as she answered Harm, and then the blush spread as she drew herself back from the memories.
"You were saying?" Harm murmured, his gaze indulgent as he took in Mac's flushed features.
"I…just…" Mac paused and then smiled serenely. "Did I tell you yet that I love you?"
"Not since the last time," Harm answered, and leaned across to murmur in Mac's ear 'I love you' before moving his lips down to her mouth for a more intense greeting.
"I could get used to this kind of morning wake-up, sailor," Mac managed breathily as they surfaced for air, and Harm's body shook with laughter as he lifted his head from the pillow beside Mac.
"Every morning?" he questioned softly, and Mac nodded in silence, her eyes watching his closely.
"I know it can't be that easy – nothing ever has been, for us…" Mac's voice was barely above a whisper and her eyes clouded briefly, until Harm gave her a sound kiss and then lifted her over him, so their bodies were in close proximity as he brought his hands up to her face and gave her a look of utter seriousness.
"We have some things to discuss with the General, but this is our life from now on. There are going to be times that we are apart, but never separated. Whatever career options we are given and whatever choices we make, we're going to be together."
"Promise?"
"Promise," answered Harm, and Mac's eyes closed on a contented sigh, the sigh turning to a pleasured moan as they came together once more.
The End