Can't Kill Me!
Disclaimer: I don't shit, son.
Warnings: It's all totally fucked, mate. The characters, the universe, all of it—it's all on straight up craaaack, yo. Read for fun, cause its dumb, makes fun of some, and is full of ejaculate. Not really: au, ooc, nudity?, gore, rhyming, fourth-wall damage, and DJ Khaled. Thou hast been warned.
Chapter One: The King of Clusterfucks
Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha, very carefully placed the last sheet in what had been a hellaciously large pile of paperwork to the side, the tower of paper in his 'Outbox' now a mirror of this morning's 'Inbox'. He reclined in his high-back chair, stretching his old muscles and joints in a mixture of relief and soreness that only the elderly could experience.
It'd been a long day, but by goodness, he was just about done—
The Hokage Office's door slammed open with the force of an exploding tag, and in rushed a teenaged boy, the spitting image of the man who'd both succeeded and then proceeded him as Hokage. A panicked look tugged at the boy's whiskered cheeks, but this was not what troubled Hiruzen. A trio of kunai were lodged ring-deep in the boy's chest, but this, too, was not what troubled Hiruzen.
Naruto Uzumaki stood before him, dripping both water and blood, in naught by a fluffy white towel (well, red and white, now), and not just any towel, but one of the ones used at Konoha's most popular bath house, the Steaming Springs.
This troubled Hiruzen deeply.
Before the blonde could even open his mouth to speak, the aged Hokage had already lit his pipe. Tobacco with a little something extra mixed in it filled his lungs as he prepared for what was undoubtedly going to be a clusterfuck.
After all, Naruto Uzumaki was the king of clusterfucks.
"Hokage-Jiji!" the mortally-wounded-but-really-not eighteen-year-old cried, "this crazy lady is about to come busting in here and start telling you all kinds of lies about me so I just thought you ought to hear from me first that she's totally off of her damn rocker—I mean, where did those snakes even come from? She was naked! Uh, I mean, I guess she was naked, I certainly couldn't say one way or the other, busy being on the men's side of the springs and all, but—"
"Where is he?!" a new voice demanded, and Hiruzen was quick to take a deep triple puff of the good stuff, recognizing Mitarashi Anko when he heard her. To his great shock (and hidden appreciation), she, too, came barging in with naught but a towel to protect her modesty. "Gonna flay 'im—no! Better yet, I'll boil him, do 'im up like a damn lobster! Iwa-roast him with chives and onion—with a can of beer in his ass. Where in the—you! I knew you'd be here, you, you lecherous zombie!"
Hiruzen shared a brief, dead-eyed look with the ANBU agent hidden inside the wall to his right. He wasn't sure if it was anatomically possible, but the Sandaime thought the wall may have looked back at him with a little of the exasperation he was feeling himself. He took another deep tug and waited for the worst of it to blow over.
"Mitarashi-san!" Naruto gushed, doing a complete 180 from two seconds ago, "its so great to see you here, and on complete coincidence too! How lucky. I see you got the toga memo as well, and you'll excuse me for saying this, but you fill the garment out far better than I! Why, I even went so far as to get these body piercings as a way to make up for my lack of stylistic success."
Exactly what the boy thought he was trying to covey to Anko, Hiruzen had no clue.
"If you'd be willing to tell me your secret, I'd be more than happy to... to—uh, shit. I can't follow what I was trying to say."
Anko's face and exposed upper chest (Hiruzen was secretly disappointed at the lack of a nip slip) flushed an angry red. Naruto, still oozing a seemingly endless river of blood down onto his expensive rug, tried for a sheepish smile.
In the puffing Hokage's opinion, the damn kid just looked constipated.
An elongated kunai with a curved tip was suddenly in Anko's hand (and Hiruzen had to admit he too was curious as to where she was pulling these things from). Before he could (bother) telling her to stop, she'd sunk its wickedly hooked edge all the way into Naruto's chest, goring his heart and running him clean through.
"Gaah!" Naruto cried, projectile-shouting a mouthful of blood straight onto his pile of completed paperwork.
Hiruzen shed a single tear.
"Holy mother of deep fried chicken thighs, what the fuck, Mitarashi-san! You've killed me!"
Anko snorted in disgust, wrenching her blade back with a sour look. "Shut up. It completely takes the fun out of murder when the guy you stab keeps blabbing. So unsatisfying. The immortality of a Bijuu with the immorality of Jiraiya-sama—tch! Next time you want a peek at my tits, look me up in the Forest of Death. If you're still in a solid state of matter after an hour... Well, this is a wacky world we live in. Anything could happen."
All at once, Naruto's death's-door act was gone. He was still standing there with great gory holes in his chest, but now was content to express his pain with a simple wince. He scratched his nose in embarrassment and returned the woman her carmine-stained kunai.
"Yeah, okay. That sounds fun. Sorry again, hehe. See you later, Mitarashi-san?"
The special jonin snorted and turned, not bothering with a proper response as she stormed out the door. All the same, there looked to be a slight swaying to her towel-clad hips as she went.
Hiruzen hoped, for the sake of all future generations, that it had simply been the light, tricking his old (stoned) eyes.
"Ne, ne, Hokage-Jiji," Naruto began, turning back to him as though the last few minutes hadn't just happened. "Any word from Jiraiya-sensei?"
Hiruzen felt his stare flatten. "No, Naruto-sama, as your sworn servant, it pains me to report, I have no news from your wandering master."
The blonde quasi-jinchuriki had the decency to look contrite. "Hehe, sorry about that, Hokage-Jiji, and, uh, that too," he said, motioning towards the bloodied paperwork. "And this," he added, tapping a foot against the soggy rug (he'd loved that rug!). "And, well," he made a general motioning gesture to himself, and while the Hokage knew he meant it as an apology for his current appearance, he decided to take it as an apology for existing.
Hiruzen certainly felt he was owed one such apology, and without the brat's parents around to harp on (very clever, sacrificing your lives to avoid my nagging), he would have to make do.
He sighed all the way from his bones, sparing a mournful glance at his empty pipe. He considered refilling it, but seeing as how he'd likely be here till the early morning redoing all this paperwork, it was probably ill-advised. The last thing he needed was to get so high he started making crazy diplomatic choices. He tried to imagine what might happen if he accidentally sent a marriage contract for the brat in front of him off to, say, Kumo.
'Although,' he thought, 'that'd probably get him out of my rapidly-thinning hair, if nothing else...'
"So, um, I'm just gonna... go. Yeah, I'll just go ahead and—"
"Actually," Hiruzen began, shooing away the crazy thoughts with a physical wave of his hand, "it's good that I have you here now. I've been meaning to give you your assignment, now that you've finally returned from your, what was it? Ten year trip? Something like that?"
"Uh, twelve, but sure."
"It was my intention to speak with you sooner, but you see, I just had so much darned paperwork to take care of—there wasn't any time." His glare could have stopped the heart of a weaker animal, but even if it worked on Naruto, it wouldn't really work, of course. Immortality, as Anko had put it, was just no fun.
Naruto opened his mouth and made it halfway through his sentence of: "Seems like a pretty big administrative flaw—" when Hiruzen cleared his throat and retook the reigns of the conversation.
"Where was I? Oh, yes: your assignment. Being gone with Jiraiya so long has yielded both good and, well, not-so-good results, would you agree?"
"Huh? I mean, I'm pretty happy with it all, but you're the boss-man, so..." Naruto said, and by now the extent of blood that'd poured out of his chest became too much for the rug to handle. Luckily, he was just about healed up, so the anti-flood fuinjutsu woven into the building could be saved for another day.
Hiruzen sighed, and made the mental call to give Naruto the highlight reel version of his assignment. The kid would figure out the gist easily enough.
"I'm assigning you to this year's rookie batch on a rotating schedule—we've got three teams this time, so every other week you'll be filling in as a fourth-slot. There is a high percentage of clan children in this batch, and during this assignment you'll be meeting with many of their..." Hiruzen sighed again and lifted his feet off the floor. Apparently he'd misjudged Naruto's healing factor—either that, or the boy was intentionally not healing himself, in order to escape. Hiruzen didn't like to be beat, but having this bleeding, half-naked moron out of his office didn't feel much like a loss. "Forget it," he finally said, "you'll see later. Begone from here, demon."
Naruto smirked and flashed a crisp salute. By the time his hand had returned to his side, his bare chest was free of all signs of injury, ignoring the blood, of course. "Well then, I'll just make a tree and—"
The blonde disappeared in a swirl of leaves, and Hiruzen sighed once again. "Please," he said, looking sidelong at the ANBU wall, "either clean this up or find someone else to."
His hands were reaching for more of his special stash (arranged marriages be damned!), but then his ANBU operative melted out of the other wall, bowed at the waist, and disappeared.
'Fuck.'
Remorsefully, the Sandaime Hokage returned his hash to its designated drawer. Yuki, his secretary, would have clean (uncompleted!) copies of this paperwork for him. He'd... he'd call for her later.
'As expected,' he thought, leaning back while he waited for whoever got stuck with clean-up duty to arrive, 'a complete and utter clusterfuck.'
'Post-it note for the brain: avoid Hokage-Jiji for at least two weeks.'
An incredulous, downtrodden-faced group of genin passed him on the side, escorted by the ANBU babe who'd been renting out the old man's wallspace. Naruto thought it was a damn shame, hiding as curvy a woman as this inside something as flat as a wall, but could only shrug. He wasn't wearing the 'Baddest Motherfucker' hat just yet, but once he was, Naruto could think of far better places to hide an operative of her generous, uh, skillset. Under the desk ought to do.
'Post-it notes for the brain two and three: avoid that genin team for the standard two weeks as well, and send Ryozo to look after the ANBU babe. She must be protected until my revolutionary Under-The-Desk policy can be put into place.'
With a series of handseals so fast he almost started a friction fire, Naruto whispered, "Kuchiyose no Jutsu," summoning a poof of smoke.
Actually, he summoned the silent two-tailed fox Ryozo, who dashed and then melded onto the ANBU before she could blink, changing into a tattoo that just-so-happened to reside millimeters above her shapely bottom.
The ANBU paused, radiated a loathsome aura at him through her facemask's eyeholes, and then continued on.
Naruto smiled and nodded, pleased with himself.
Remembering his inappropriate and rather horrific state of dress all on his own (actually a mother and her child had rounded the corner, spotted him, and begun screaming), he decided to write the clothes he'd left behind at the Steaming Springs off as a loss and head home. The sun would be setting within the hour, and not only did he have his own personal training to do tomorrow, he also had peeping, spying, antagonizing, and figuring out who/what/when/and where he needed to meet up with the genin squad he'd been assigned for the next two weeks.
Honestly, it was a lot, but somebody had to do it.
Shunshining to just outside of his apartment (he didn't want to get blood all over his floors), Naruto dropped the now truly macabre cloth from around his waist, letting the mass of cotton and clotted blood fall to the ground. This, naturally, left him stood starkers in the middle of a rather busy red-light district street, the royal scepter and family jewels left freely a-dangling.
Everyone stopped and gaped.
"What?" he cried, "You rubber-neckers never seen a real-man's wang before? People used to fight in the nude, you know. It's noble. Please, learn some culture."
"Fuck you Naruto," a familiar cart-pusher called, his stall full of questionably ripe tomatoes suddenly hidden underneath a tarp. "And your culture. Trade it in for some decency, why don't ya?"
Naruto reached down and grabbed his dangly bits in a groping hand. "I got your decency right here Akio-teme! And fuck you too! Your tomatoes taste like dirt, and your eyes are too far apart!" Before the cart pusher could get his retort out, Naruto had switched targets, turning to pin a nearby young man beneath his shameless gaze. "You, what's your name?"
"M-muh-me?"
"That's a helluva name, Mummy-san, but all the same, I'm going to have to ask for your slippers, please and spanks."
"What? My slippers?"
The man's incredibly boring face was frozen in a look of utter confusion.
"Really? You'll let me have them? That's damn decent of you, Mummy-san, and don't worry, once I've secured the 'Baddest Motherfucker' hat, I'll be sure to pay you back big time. I'm talking, titty-dancers-serving-you-sake-every-night, big time."
"Uh, o-okay," Mummy-san replied, blinking slow, stupid eyes in dazed confusion.
It was the work of a few seconds that saw a completely naked Naruto transform into an only 98% naked Naruto. The blonde, caked in dried blood, wearing a stranger's slippers, and bearing-it-all from the ankle up, bid the street as a whole "Goodnight!" and then dipped into his apartment.
Well on its way to becoming desensitized, the red-light district only remained paralyzed for a moment, before returning to business as usual.
Hatake Kakashi, having followed the... eccentric? blonde since he left the Hokage's Tower, bore witness to the madness that was Uzumaki Naruto with reluctant amazement.
'What the fuck?' he thought.
Aloud, he just whispered, "If nothing else, these next two weeks will be interesting, I guess..." before disappearing.
Watching the both of them, Zetsu, too, thought, 'What the fuck,' before taking his leave.
Watching all three of them, the spirits of Minato and Kushina sighed, exasperated.
Reading all of this, you wondered, 'Just how many layers deep is he going to go?'
Monitoring your vitals from outside of the Matrix, The Machines continued about their business, harvesting our body heat as an infinite energy source.
And beneath all of these levels of scrutiny, Naruto Uzumaki slept peacefully, clean from a shower and eager to start on what was sure to be an amazing adventure, bright and early the next day.