My phone buzzed loudly, and I looked down glaring at it. Edward was calling me. I picked it up, preparing myself to yell at him, "You know, Edward, I'm really not in the mood to talk to you right now."
I almost hung up there but his words stopped me, "Now hang on, you may be done talking, but I sure as hell am not."
"What, did you call to break me some more?" I growled irritated. Did you call to ask why I cry on the cold, bathroom floor every night? Did you finally listen to my damn voicemails from god knows when?
"No, Bella, we need to talk." He replied.
"About what?" I said, showing in my voice how much I didn't want too.
"About the way you acted around Tanya." He said, waiting for my response.
"Edward, you're not my father. I don't need you telling me about my attitude. I've grown up, surely you've noticed." I said with a hint of venom coating my words.
"From that display yesterday, I would have thought otherwise." Ouch. That hurt. I remained quiet and he sighed, "I didn't mean that."
"You didn't?" I asked doubtful. "Because it sure seems like you did."
"I don't mean that," He repeated.
"Whatever, what do you want, Edward?" I said. I was used to his verbal abuse sometimes; he would claim he didn't mean it. I was only used to it because he was my best friend in high school. He was the only one who noticed me.
"I told you already," Edward said, "Why can't you accept Tanya?"
././.
"Who would you want to marry?" I asked. I was always hoping he'd say me, but I knew that would never be the answer.
"Hm…I don't know," Edward replied, "Most likely, the person I would be in love with," I smirked at his answer.
"Well who do you think that would be?"
"Someone…beautiful, someone I've known for a while…you can't rush love." He said.
"Thank you Doctor Phil," I teased, pushing him away. He laughed and looked around the backyard.
"I'd marry you," Edward said after a quiet moment. My heart skipped a beat. I was always just his best friend; he couldn't mean that.
"You don't mean that," I said aloud, looking down between the grass I was dragging through my fingers.
"Yeah, I do," He replied, "How about this? If neither of us is engaged, or married in the next seven years, I'll marry you."
"That's a second resort, not true love." I answered, bitterly. I had to look away from him.
"We've known each other since before we could walk, Bella. That's got to say something?"
"Well what does it say to you?" I asked.
"It says true love begins with a friendship."
./. / .
"You could fuck him; maybe he'll dump her and go off into the sunset with you." Jacob, or Jake, my best friend since Edward had left for college, always gave me these scenarios. I never had the money to go to more than a few classes a week, and Edward had a full scholarship. I'm not sure how that scholarship wasn't mine, but I had to suck it up and move on. "It's not like he's marrying her."
"Not yet," I muttered.
"Has he proposed?" Jake asked.
"I don't know; I just got back to Forks yesterday, Jake." I replied, stabbing at my salad. I was twenty-one, which made Jake twenty, and Edward twenty-two. My birthday would be here soon though, and I would be twenty-two in less than a month.
"So you haven't talked to him yet?"
"Not since he emailed me a few days ago." I said, "He emailed me asking me to come back to Forks so I could meet her."
"That's rough." Jake commented, "Maybe he wants you to be jealous so you'll make your move."
"If only he weren't madly in love with her." I sighed. I'd read his emails, and when he described things, especially people, he did not disappoint. Unfortunately, he disappointed me by that, but I guess the best friend doesn't count, right? "He's written her up to be this amazing person, and he hates perfection. I've seen a photo of her, but I haven't officially met her. I wonder if I can just claim to be busy with work and go back to Tacoma."
"Oh no, you're not skipping this." Jake said, "You want him don't you?"
"Well yeah, but I'm starting to wonder if that was all just a high school crush thing." Jake shook his head.
"You want him don't you?" He asked again.
"Yes," I sighed, defeated.
"Then you will stay here and try to win him back."
"It's not that simple Jacob."
"Speak now or forever hold your peace, my friend." Jake replied, "Better to break them up now than at their wedding. I know you'll get invited to that, and the wedding might not be as easy to break off."
"He said he wants to propose to her over dinner sometime this week. He wants his friends and family to see how much he loves her, damn it to hell Jake, he's trying to fucking kill me." I growled irritated.
"Exactly why you need to stop it." He continued, "You want that to be you he's proposing too."
"If we ever get that far in a relationship."
"Again."
"Again," I agreed.
././.
His lips. That's all I could function on. The sweet taste of his soft, caressing lips.
My first kiss. He was my first kiss on this very night. How I'd longed to kiss him; maybe he knew that. Maybe not; he was always oblivious to my feelings for him. I wasn't prepared for him to kiss me, but I sure as hell knew I wanted it.
Like clockwork, he would climb into my window, while Charlie was out at work, and lie down on my bed next to me. We were fifteen, but that didn't stop the butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw, touched, or talked to him. This is what happened first…
I was lying on my bed, reading a book for school; it was awfully boring, but being who I was, I read it anyway. I heard the window open, and I smirked to myself. I didn't have to look up to know that Edward had climbed up here, at night thirty at night, while Charlie was out, just to see what I was doing. I felt the side of my bed go down more at the extra weight. He had his head down at the other end; I knew what he was looking at, and I tried to keep the blush off my face. I could feel his fingertips on my leg, playing with the loose threads on my shorts. I tried to keep from gasping as he moved his fingers up more; I also tried to keep from moaning. I bit my lip and turned to face him. He kept his hand on my thigh and looked up at me. "I have to read." I said, my voice cracking slightly. I saw the corner of his lips tug into a smirk as he heard it. I turned away from him again to keep from blushing more.
He shifted his position and lay on his back, with his head on my pillow. "You always read." He teased, brushing my hair behind my ear. I laughed a little and watched as something in his eyes changed. His hand moved to the back of my neck and he pulled me down, bringing my lips to his. My heart froze and I was quickly losing air; did I really care, though?
Edward was kissing me. Me! Me? He was kissing me. His lips were gentle and soft, slowly moving with mine. I couldn't believe this was happening. He tangled his fingers in my hair, while the others held onto
mine. It was the sweetest first kiss ever; and it wasn't sloppy or scary…anymore. It was absolute bliss. We heard the front door open, and Charlie called my name. I jumped up, almost like I had been shocked. Edward smirked and stood up. He gave me one last, small, quick kiss before jumping onto the tree outside my window, and going home. "Up here dad!" I called, closing the window once he had gone inside. The one thing Charlie didn't approve of and we'd just broken it: No boys in the bedroom. I couldn't stop smiling the whole night, or the next day at school. He knew that smile was because of him.
././.
Did he know these tears were because of him? I lay, sprawled out on the small bathroom floor, crying my heart out. The floor was cold, but it felt good on my pounding head. I made up my mind; I hated him! I truly hated Edward Cullen!
He was the pigheaded, dumbass that I'd been so stupidly blinded by. I let him fool me again. A kiss here, another there. But what he did this time, I wasn't sure I could forgive him for. He was always the most popular, the not-always-so-bright but kind of smart, handsome, funny guy I thought I loved. I knew I loved him, but right now, I could say otherwise. I threw up again, clutching my abdomen as I lurched forward, purging my stomach of its contents. I'd given him everything, and he gave me nothing in return except disappointment.
I was crying because I thought he was someone different. When I was with him, he made me feel beautiful, and myself. I felt like I belonged. But not, it felt like he threw me in gasoline and lit me on fire. He always thought he wanted the perfect girls, but I knew well enough to know he didn't. He always said that and I knew he believed it. But I caught him kissing another girl at our senior graduation party, and so I took off, not giving him a minute to explain; why would he need to? I'd seen it all already, what could he possibly need to explain? I wasn't sure why this hurt me so bad; we weren't together, together. Not like I'd hoped we were.
"Bella," I looked up to see him watching me from the stairs in the hall. I wiped my eyes and stood up, flushing the toilet of my stomach.
"What did you see?" I asked, turning away from him. I heard him sigh.
"Everything," He replied. He saw me cry, and empty my stomach. He knows he caused this.
"Good," I replied sharply. I hated when people saw me weak, but he had to see what he'd done to me.
"Bella," He started again. I was glad Charlie was out; he didn't need to know this. "I'm sorry…"
"You should be…this isn't the first time I've cried over something you've done." I hissed, "Maybe I was wrong about you."
"What were you wrong about?"
"You like the game," I replied, "I'm just another piece to you, it seems."
"No you're not Bella." He said quickly, walking over to me. I felt his arms almost around me.
"Don't touch me," I snapped, pushing away from him, "I mean it this time, Edward."
"Bella what can I say to make this right?"
"You should already know that." I replied.
"Bella please," He said; then he cracked a smile, "We both know I'm an idiot."
I almost smiled, "Don't make me laugh. I'm pissed off at you…you are an idiot."
He sighed and wrapped his arms around me again. I didn't shove him away like I wanted to.
"I'm sorry Bella. I'm really, really sorry. I fucked up, and I don't blame you for hating me." Edward said, "I can't take it if you hate me though. I just didn't know what you wanted in our relationship." That set me off again.
"So you thought kissing another girl would make me decide what I wanted?" I yelled, this time shoving him away.
"No Bella! That's not what I meant by that at all." Edward answered. I turned away from him to brush my teeth; I couldn't stand this horrible taste any longer. "I just didn't think you like me that way."
I spun around fast and glared at him, "You thought I didn't like you that way—god what the hell is wrong with you?" I shrieked, "I've been in love with you since sixth grade! What fucking signs did you misread? Because as far as I know, I've tried getting your attention for years, Edward! Years! How the fuck didn't you notice that?" I was crying again. My eyes burned from the earlier tears, but somehow they still fell. "You were my first kiss; the first to know everything about me. Hell I wanted you to be my first everything! I loved you Edward! But you didn't seem to love me back!" He stared at me with his mouth hanging open. I stormed into my bedroom, Edward in tow, and lay down on my bed, turning away from him. He closed the door behind him and kneeled down by my bed. I sighed, "Go away, Edward." I couldn't believe I had just told him everything. I felt his hand slip over mine and I turned to face him, "I said leave me alone."
"I don't want to do that, Bella." Edward replied just above a whisper. "I can't lose you." I forgot how pissed off I was at him when he said that. Everything I'd said I'd meant. I still wanted him to be my first; I wanted to know that he loved me as much as I did. I'd had boyfriends, but he didn't seem to really care. I never let them near me "that close" because I wanted that to be Edward. I was still a virgin for a man who never picked up on anything I let him know about my feelings for him.
"Then prove to me," I answered, "Prove to me you're mine, and maybe I'll forgive you."
"How can I do that?" Edward asked, holding my hand. I thought about it for a moment before pulling his lips to mine. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him up on the bed, on top of me. I put my hands under his shirt and held his waist. I began to unbutton his shirt, but before I had it completely off of him he held my hands. "Bella…"
"I want you, Edward." I replied, "I want to know I'm yours. Please."
"What if Charlie comes home?"
"He has a late shift tonight." I dismissed, "I know I was angry with you…I know what I said. But I love you too much to give myself to someone else."
"You love me?"
"Yes," I replied, my voice shaking. He kissed me again and worked on getting my clothes off. I was completely bare before he was; I felt vulnerable. I didn't look at him; I kept my eyes closed as I felt him get back on top of me. I was scared to do this, but if I told him that now we would stop; however, I think we were too far to stop now anyways. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tightly. I could feel him close to me; he was about to enter, but I stopped him, "Edward wait, I need a moment."
"Are you scared?" He asked, "We can stop."
"No, I don't want to stop," I shook my head, "I just need a moment to prepare myself." After a long minute, I nodded and he filled me. I cried out in pain, tears brimming my eyes. I bit my lip and dug my nails into his shoulders, gasping at the pain.
"It's okay, Bella." He whispered, kissing behind my ear, "You're okay, it'll pass." It became a dull pain after a few seconds, and I nodded again. He slowly began thrusting in and out of me; whispering in my ear, "You're beautiful."
My fingers flew to his hair. I held it between my fingers tightly, gasping as each breath became short, and each thrust became a new level of bliss. Before I knew it, I had come undone. I gasped out in pleasure this time, holding him close to me. Edward kissed me, his body erupting in shudders as he came. We lay there, regaining our breath; he was still inside me. He was big, and when he pulled out I almost sighed. I missed the contact immediately. "Don't go yet, please." I said as he pulled the blanket up over us. He wrapped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.
"I love you." He whispered.
I'd never heard him say it, but I smiled, "I love you too."