Presents
Hogwarts Wizarding Radio
"Hellooooo Hogwarts! This is Pansy Parkinson speaking,"
"And this is Hermione Granger!"
"We're your radio hosts for Hogwarts Wizarding Radio, HWR54, the station that brings you magic for your ears!"
"Pansy, that's stupid!"
"We need a slogan! Do you have something better, Miss Smarty Pants?"
"Well, if I did, I wouldn't tell you, Miss Slytherin Pants."
"Oh, I'm hurt."
"Just shut up and get on with it, Pansy!"
"Time for the daily bulletin-"
"No, Pansy! We have music that goes along with the daily bulletin!"
"Too late!"
"No, here."
"Out of my-"
"CRASH."
"… Damnit."
"First up in the bulletin, breaking news! Hermione Granger swears on the set of HWR54, perhaps for the first time in her life! Any comment, Miss Granger?"
"Shut. Your damn. Pie hole, Parkinson."
"Miss Granger has no comments, but do you? Ringing in the first caller. Hello, Seamus."
"Hello, Pansy."
"What comments do you have on this breaking piece of news?"
"If Hermione swore, it must be a sign of the apocalypse. I say we test her for polyjuice potion. I'm betting it's an imposter sitting next to you, Pansy, not Bookworm Granger."
"I resent that! Just because I like to learn-"
"Very good idea, Seamus. Next caller!"
"HWRS?"
"You know our name, let's hear yours."
"I'm snicker Rafag. Yu Rafag."
"Well, Yu, what do you think about Hermione swearing?"
"I think snicker it's haawtt. Know what I wanna do? I wan-"
"Aaand enough of that, Pansy. How about we move onto the next subject?"
"Righto, Hermione. Next subject on the bulletin… Hermione Granger walks into the set of HWR54 with a huge hi-"
"PANSY!"
"Mmph"
"You said you wouldn't tell!"
"Mmm-"
"OW, you bit my hand!"
"No shit, Sherlock. Besides, I can't help but succumb to the magical powers of gossip! A lady's second language, you know!"
"What a friend you are."
"Oh, Hermione. Don't get all mad at me. I can't help it! It's in my nature!…. Hermione?… Hermione, answer me… C'mon, friends don't do this to each other!"
"But they spill each others secrets to the entire castle?"
"I can't help it! I need to tell someone if my best friend comes into work with a-"
"Fight it, Pansy. Be stronger than that. Don't succumb."
"Alright, okay, I'll be nice."
"Uh, we had some, uh, technical difficulties-"
"What the hell are those, Granger? Another muggle term? I told you to stop those!"
"-here on the set, but we're up and running now. Here's Pansy to finish the daily bulletin."
"Next up, Slytherin suffered a tragic loss at the hands of the back-stabbing, good for nothing-"
"Pansy."
"Lovely Gryffindors! Hogwarts has opened the school's first guidance office, to be run by students. Everything said there is confidential, and you can help a fellow student cope with his or her problems. Second floor, west corridor. Pick up a brochure at your next Transfiguration class for more details, and it appears Mister Longbottom has, once again, lost Trevor, his pet toad. If anyone on campus sees a lost toad, please pick him up and bring him back to the care of Neville."
"Now it's time for your daily sports information-"
"Wait, Hermione, I've got one more piece of news for our viewers!"
"… No, that's the list, right there. There are only those two things on it."
"I'm sorry, dear friend. I can't hold back any longer."
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
"HERMIONEHASAHUGEHICKEY!"
"PANSY!"
"I'm sorry! Sobbing Gossip got to me! First caller!"
"Hey, it's Michael Corner, from Ravenclaw."
"Hello, Michael. What do you have to say?"
"After swearing and this hickey, we have to wonder what else our little bookworm is doing behind closed doors…"
"Very good point, Michael. Any comment, 'little bookworm'?"
"…"
"Seems the 'little bookworm' is entertaining herself with muttering under her breath and staring out the window. No comment for now. Next caller?"
"Pansy, it's Daphne."
"Hi, Daph!"
"Hello. I just wanted to say that I bet it was Zabini. She's always helping him with his… homework, if you catch my drift."
"Ooh, I catch it, alright. Thanks, Daphne!"
"It wasn't Zabini."
"What's that, Hermione?"
"It wasn't Blaise."
"Then who was it?"
"You really think I'm going to tell you while we're on air?"
"Then whisper it! I need to know!"
"I need assurance you won't tell anyone."
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me a secret you don't want anyone to know, and I'll tell you who it was."
"Ooh! Ooh! Uh… hmm… okay, I got one."
"Now you tell me…"
"I once made out with Longbottom under the quidditch bleachers."
"You WHAT?"
"You heard me, now tell me-"
"Girls?"
"Why, hello, Professor McGonagall!"
"What can Pansy and I do for you?"
"Well, you can start by turning off the microphones when you're talking about such subjects. I'm afraid the whole school heard your confession, Miss Parkinson."
"… Damnit. Don't tell me you knew about that, Granger."
"They don't call me smart for nothing."
"GRAN-GER!"
"CRASH."