So this is just something silly my brother (age nine) and I came up with. It was fun to write and if you guys like it I will write more short silly things like this. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit or the title to this story.
"Eww, dwarves," Legolas said, flipping his beautiful blond hair over his shoulder.
"Eww, elves," Thorin challenged, shaking his gray-streaked black hair.
"Are you mocking me?" Legolas asked. He certainly does not like dwarves, and was well aware of their ability to be rude.
"Perhaps," Thorin sassily replied.
"Thorin, lad, that's not the best idea," Balin chided. But Thorin is not one to listen. He is too majestic for that.
Legolas pulled out his twin blades, pointing them at Thorin. "I will cut that hair clean off your head, dwarf!" He exclaimed. And in elven culture, that is a very serious threat. Elves like their hair so much that a threat to it is basically a threat to their life.
"You would not dare touch him," interrupted Kili as the anger got the better of him.
"Legolas, now is not the time," Tauriel said, wanting to avoid conflict.
"Step back, she-elf," Thorin said.
"Which one is the she-elf?" Kili asked innocently. Now Kili has some difficulty in determining which is which*. And you can't blame him. Some male elves look an awful lot like females. But then again, dwarven women are bearded. Anyway, Legolas did not realize Kili did not mean his question rudely so he was infuriated and moved the aim of his blades to the young dwarf.
"He didn't mean anything by it, he just wanted to clear his confusion from Rivendell!" Fili defended his younger brother.
"Don't touch my nephew," Thorin growled.
"That's your nephew? That pathetic excuse for a dwarf? He does not even have a beard!" Legolas pointed out. Of course, insulting a dwarf's beard is just as bad as insulting an elf's hair. So Kili was pretty upset.
"Oh yeah? You elves aren't manly enough to grow beards! Also, your braids are messed up!" And it was true. Well, the part about his braids. Legolas had a few hairs out of place from the fight with the spiders.
"You didn't." Legolas kept getting more and more angry.
"He did," Thorin interrupted.
"That's it! I challenge you two to a hair whipping contest!"
"A what?" Fili asked as all the dwarves were laughing.
"You heard me," Legolas grumbled.
"And who's to determine the winner?" Kili asked, suddenly more serious. Dwarves love competitions, and when challenged will usually compete no matter how ridiculous it seems.
"Tauriel will judge. It will be me and my father against Oakenshield and you," Legolas responded.
"Tauriel cannot be the only judge. It is unfair," Kili pointed out.
"Then assign one of your disgusting dwarves to co-judge. He will have to swear on his life to judge fairly."
"Balin, I choose you," Thorin said.
After a moment and a nod from both Legolas and Tauriel, Balin said, "So it has been determined. When will this contest take place?"
"Tomorrow at high noon. Until then you will remain in the quarters assigned to you by my guards," Legolas said.
"Until then," said Thorin as confirmation.
*In an Unexpected Journey extended edition
0OoO0OoO0OoO0
The dwarves were kept in a large room with many beds. It is there that they discussed strategies.
"How does one win a hair-whipping contest?" Kili asked, just realizing what he had gotten himself into.
"I do not know, brother," Fili answered.
"Well if that elf thinks him and his father are going to win, he's got the wrong idea. He must not know who I am!" And with that statement Thorin whipped his hair so majestically over his shoulder that it caused Fili and Kili to gasp in awe.
"That's perfect! Do it again!" Fili exclaimed. And he did. It was just as majestic the second time.
"That's what going to win it for us!" Kili was proud of his uncle.
"Your turn Kili!" Fili exclaimed. And Kili tried. But failed. It was so bad that it caused all the dwarves who had been watching to burst into laughter.
"Like this," Thorin said as he demonstrated again. And Kili tried again. It was still terrible, but you could call it a slight improvement. All the dwarves laughed again, finding it just as funny as the first time.
"You are the one who got yourself into this," Balin pointed out.
"I know. But I thought I could do it," Kili responded, ashamed.
"Okay, so that method is not going to work for you." Fili had suddenly gotten serious. "Maybe if you did this," he said as he demonstrated whipping his hair by flipping his whole head over. So Kili tried it. Balin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur, the only dwarves watching, applauded.
"Much better!" Fili exclaimed.
"Do you think I could win against Legolas?" Kili was suddenly hopeful.
"Perhaps," Thorin said, not wanting to give his nephew too much hope.
0OoO0OoO0OoO0
Meanwhile, Legolas was confronting his father.
"You what?" Thranduil asked.
"I challenged the dwarves to a hair whipping contest. Do not fret, I am certain you will win against that petty dwarf Oakenshield," Legolas assured.
"Indeed," the Elvenking said.
"My only concern is about Tauriel," Legolas explained. "I've seen the way she looks at that dwarf, the one I'm competing against. I fear she may betray us and allow him to win."
"Do not fret, my son. If it comes to it, Tauriel can be banished, along with all the dwarves."
"I would not wish you to banish Tauriel, even if the dwarves do win! You know I would follow her anywhere."
"I know, my son, but you cannot put so much of your faith into her."
The two were quiet for a moment, thinking.
"That being said, Legolas, you must be victorious, so it will not come to her banishment." This gave Legolas a huge amount of determination, even though he was confident he was going to win already.
0OoO0OoO0OoO0
"It's almost noon. Go fetch the dwarves," Legolas told a nearby guard. Moments later, they arrived.
"Are you prepared to lose?" Kili asked, full of himself.
"Are you?" Legolas questioned.
Meanwhile, Thranduil was discussing rules with Balin and Tauriel. "You must be fair and give your honest opinion with no bias. Do you swear by these rules?"
"Yes, my lord," Tauriel said.
"I do," Balin said.
"Oakenshield, step forward," Thranduil ordered. And he did. Thorin had an air of confidence about him, his majestic kingliness showing. "You will go first." And to the judges, "Are you ready?" They gave him a nod.
Thorin whipped his hair in what looked like it would be the most majestic flip the world had ever seen. Well, until his hand got caught in his tangley hair.
"I… uh…let me start over!" Thorin demanded.
"Nope that was your only chance," Thranduil replied.
Balin and Tauriel wrote their numbers on the boards. Balin held up a five and Tauriel held up a four.
"Nine out of twenty. Great job, dwarf," Thranduil said sarcastically.
"Well it's your turn, Elvenking," Thorin grumbled.
Thranduil whipped his hair over his shoulder so beautifully that it seems to occur in slow motion. A few of the dwarves were silent in shock while the rest were still grumbling about Thorin's performance. Balin held up an eight and Tauriel held up a ten.
"Take that, dwarf! Eighteen out of twenty!" Legolas gloated for his father.
"That's enough, son," Thranduil said.
"Traitor!" Thorin exclaimed to Balin.
"I could not lie, Thorin. You and I both know that." Balin is always honest, no matter what.
"Well it looks like you won, ada!" Legolas was very happy. "I'll go next."
Legolas whipped his hair similar to the way his father did. It was fantastic. Tauriel held up a nine and Balin held up an eight.
"Seventeen out of twenty. Not bad." Legolas stated.
"You better win this for us, Kili." Thorin demanded.
Kili whipped his hair how his brother had shown him. And it was just as fabulous as when he had been practicing. Balin held up a seven, not wanting to anger the elven prince or king. Tauriel held up a ten.
"Seventeen? A tie?" Kili asked.
"Aye, a tie," Balin confirmed.
"You gave him a higher score than me?" Legolas asked Tauriel. "Why do you favor a dwarf?"
Tauriel did not get a chance to answer, as everyone started arguing.
"Rematch!" Gloin demanded.
"There are no rematches in a real competition!" Someone objected.
After a few minutes of this chaos, Thranduil shouted, "Enough! All the dwarves are to be imprisoned. That is final."
All the dwarves groaned as they were ushered to their cells.
Moral of the story: Do not have tangley hair if you are going to do a hair whipping contest. :)