Disclaimer: I own nothing, Dick Wolf owns everything.

A/N: I'm now learning to juggle. This is the third story I've started and I promise I will finish them all. It's just when the ideas come, I have to start or I'll either forget or get into something else. Many people seem to assume Alex has had a charmed life or something but like Bobby's Defining Moments, this one is the moments that have made Alex the person she is today. It starts older for her since I think her childhood probably was pretty normal.

The End of the Fairy Tale

Alexandra Eames was the third child of John and Elizabeth Eames. She was a happy child. Nothing about her childhood stood out as extraordinary except that she was from a family of cops. Her father, grandfather and two uncles on her father's side and one on her mother's side were cops. Her mother worked as a secretary at the precinct her father worked at. That was how they met in the first place.

Alex, her older brother and sister and her kid brother were your typical children. They played together, argued and protected each other as the occasion warranted. Alex was bright and did well in school. She was popular and was voted Prom Queen in her senior year of high school, which was a surprise to her family considering she was such a tomboy and showed no interest in being Prom Queen.

After graduating high school, Alex headed straight to college. She had worked part-time jobs and got a partial scholarship to pay her own way. With four children to raise, money was tight in the Eames household. Since Elizabeth had quit her job to take care of the children after Alex was born - Elizabeth's parents were older and barely made it with the two they had already and by the time Alex came along, it was too much for them.

It had never been a question in her mind what she would study and what she would do upon graduation. Alexandra Eames graduated from college and headed straight to the Police Academy. While at the Academy she met and fell in love with Joseph William Connors, a fellow cadet. They dated for a couple of years before they finally decided to get married. They made a handsome couple. Petite Alex with her blonde hair and honey brown eyes and Joe who stood at 6' tall with his dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes. A friend told them they looked like they could be the model for the couple on top of the wedding cake.

Joe and Alex had a traditional Catholic wedding. Her family loved Joe and his family loved Alex. It was perfect. They had three years of happy wedded bliss until things started to go down hill.

The problem started shortly after their third anniversary. Joe and Alex had discussed having children before they married. Both came from large families and they talked of having at least two children. Alex was more wary about having more than two but Joe loved kids and if Alex agreed, he would have been happy to have as many children as possible.

It had started innocently enough. Alex and Joe had just finished babysitting his niece and nephew and Joe was missing them already.

"I'm gonna start dinner," Alex said as she kissed her husband and headed for the kitchen.

Joe grabbed her hand and pulled her back down onto the couch beside him, "Dinner can wait, I need to talk to you."

Alex smiled as he pulled her into his arms, "Did you want to actually talk or did you have something else in mind?"

"Maybe both," he replied as he pulled her onto his lap.

"So which do we do first? Talk or something else?" Alex asked as she kissed him.

Joe chuckled, "As tempting as it is to start the something else first, I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now."

"Okay," Alex said as she rested her head on his shoulder. She was seemingly relaxed but her mind was racing. She had a feeling she knew what the 'talk' was going to be about. Her fears were realized when Joe finally spoke.

"I think we should start working on starting our family now."

The word hung there as Joe felt Alex tense in his arms. This had been one of those issues she had kept putting off. While they both agreed they wanted to start a family, it was the when that was in contention.

At first it wasn't an issue. But in the past year or so, Joe had been mentioning it more and more and Alex felt herself reluctant to follow that path. She had just started in Vice and she didn't want to stall her career at this point. Work was important to Alex. She liked her job and while she did want children, she just didn't want them now.

"I'd like to try and get settled in my new department, Joe. We've had this discussion," Alex said as she pulled away from him and stood up.

"No, you had that discussion."

"I'm not ready to have children!" Alex exclaimed as she walked out of the room towards the kitchen.

Joe followed closely behind her, "Alex, you can't keep making these excuses or we'll never have children!"

"Stop being so melodramatic, I didn't say never! I said not now." Alex started grabbing things to start dinner.

Joe grabbed her hands and turned her towards him, "We've been married three years, Alex. I thought we said we wanted to start a family after about a year?"

Alex pulled her hands away from him, "Things change, Joe. When I said that three years ago I didn't know I'd be where I am right now."

"And where were you two years ago?"

"I'm still young enough and I still will be young enough to have children in another year or two and..."

"Now it's two years? It's always been one year increments with you. At this rate we'll be too old to have children! Or is that your plan?"

Alex bristled, "Why can't you understand that I'm just not ready!"

"Because you said..."

"I know what I said!" Alex yelled. She knew she was starting to sound unreasonable. Truth is she found herself enjoying work too much and the thought of children suddenly wasn't as important to her as it was when she first got married. She had no idea how to tell Joe, so she just got angry.

Storming out of the kitchen, Alex went to the bedroom where she grabbed her purse and keys and headed out.

"Alex! Where are you going?" Joe yelled to her as she stormed past the kitchen. He followed her to the door and grabbed her by the arm, "Alex!"

"Away from you!" she yelled as she pulled away from him again.

Stepping in front of her and leaning back against the door, Joe held Alex by her arms, "Alex, we need to discuss this like two adults. Nothing is going to be resolved by your running off every time we have an argument."

"I don't run away every time we have an argument!" Alex protested.

"No, just everytime we argue about children." Joe looked at his wife who was on the verge of tears. He hated seeing her like this but he wanted a child so badly and he was so unhappy he just couldn't ignore it any longer.

"I'm sorry...I just..." Alex began as the tears began welling up in her eyes. She hated crying like this. She hated using it against her husband but at this moment, she just couldn't help it. Alex loved Joe but she knew he wanted something she wasn't ready to give him and she was afraid it was going to drive him away.

Pulling her into a hug, Joe kissed the top of her head and rubbed his hand soothingly up and down her back, "I'm sorry, too. I love you, Alex. I want to have children with you and I want us to grow old together. Sometimes I think maybe I just get a little impatient, you know?"

Alex allowed herself to be comforted by Joe. She nodded and slipped her arms around his waist as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you so much I hate it that I can't make you happy."

"You do make me happy, honey," Joe said as he gently caressed her face. "We'll work it out."

As she stood there being held by her husband, Alex wanted to believe that but deep in her heart she knew he wouldn't be happy until they finally started a family. The frightening thing was that she was finding the more that time went by, the more it was becoming a secondary concern for her.

The next day their marriage seemed to be back on track on the surface. However, Joe still wanted children and the more time went by, the more he seemed to feel his life was incomplete without them. Alex kept finding more and more reasons she didn't want to start a family.

Joe's parents were starting to pressure them about having children as well now. Alex found herself working on holidays and times when they were supposed to be spending it with his family. Joe started spending more and more time with his family and felt more and more depressed about being the only sibling to not have had any children as yet.

One morning when Alex returned from an all night stake out that they had a huge fight.

"Hey, glad I got to see you before I left," Joe said as he greeted her with a kiss.

Alex smiled. She was tired. It was a long night and she had been walking around in 4 inch red stiletto heels and a very snug fitting leather skirt and halter top. She kissed him back and kicked off her shoes.

"I have good news," he said as he followed her into the living room where she plopped down on the sofa.

"I could use some," Alex said. "All night and the asshole we were looking for didn't show."

Joe sat next to her and took her hand in his, "I got myself put on the night shift at my precinct starting next week."

"And that's good news? I thought you hated being up all night?" Alex asked.

"Yea, but then we can spend more time together and...well, it would make trying to have a baby a lot easier when we see each other regularly."

Alex tensed, "What?"

"It's been a year, you're settled in your job, aren't you?" Joe asked.

"So you just assume I want to have a baby now?" Alex said.

"No, I'm asking if..."

Alex pulled her hand away from Joe, "You're telling me! If you were asking you would have told me about wanting to switch to the night shift and you would have asked me if I was ready!"

"I'm asking if you would consider it now that everything is..." Joe began.

"No! I'm not ready. Now what are you going to do?" Alex asked angrily.

"Damn it, Alex! What is the point of being married if we're not going to have a family?" Joe yelled, his patience at its end.

"How about, we love each other and want to be together for the rest of our lives?" Alex retorted.

"Of course I love you! But what happened to our plans? We wanted a family! I want a family!"

Staring at her bare feet, Alex knew she had to be honest. "I don't," she said quietly. "Not yet..."

Joe stared at his wife in disbelief. He felt his heart breaking as he slowly stood up. "I have to go," he said simply.

Alex felt the tears streaming down her cheeks as she watched him go. She had no idea if he meant he was going to work or just going. Despite wanting to run to him and tell him not to leave, she sat quietly, unsure of what she really wanted.

She fell into an exhausted sleep and was awakened by the ringing of the phone. She glanced at the time, which read 11:30 a.m. "Joe?" she asked as she picked up the phone, hoping it was him calling to tell her he was coming home for lunch to talk things out like they always did.

"Alex, it's Brad, where are you right now?" asked Brad Pruett, Joe's partner.

"I'm home, why?" Alex replied, wondering if perhaps Joe was so distraught he had skipped work today. No, he would never do that...

"I'm...outside your house and I've been knocking for ten minutes...I thought...um, could you let me in?"

Alex bolted to the front door. Oh please dear God, don't let this be what I think it is.

Brad stood there looking at her with that look the one that told her all she needed to know before he even opened his mouth.

"NO!" she screamed at him. "Don't you say it, Brad, don't you..."

"I'm sorry, Alex..." was all he could say as Alex turned and ran back into the house.

She grabbed the phone and started to dial Joe's cell.

Brad followed her into the house, "Alex, he's..."

"NO!" Alex screamed again, "It's a mistake! He can't be dead, he can't...we...I...I broke his heart! I have to make it right!"

She could hear the phone ringing and ringing. It finally rolled over to voice mail. "Hi, this is Joe, can't come to the phone now so you know what to do at the beep," said his cheerful sounding voice.

Brad stood there unsure of what to do as he watched Alex drop the phone as tears began running down her cheeks. He reached out to her but she slapped his hand away.

"You're wrong! It's a mistake...it's...he's going to call and tell me he's all right. He can't be dead, Brad, he can't be dead! I...it would be too cruel...it's just not right..." her voice trailed off as Brad, tears welling up in his eyes as well, pulled her into an embrace.

"I was there, Alex. He...he was shot...three times...he...was trying to protect a pregnant woman from her asshole husband. The guy...he just..." Brad began.

Alex didn't hear anything after hearing he had been protecting a pregnant woman. Her mind shut down as her grief mixed with incredible guilt and she felt every fiber in her body ache. Never in her life had she known this kind of sorrow. How did people survive this sort of thing, she wondered. How was she going to go on now?

Everything after that was a blur. Brad called her father and sat with Alex until her father and sister arrived to be with her. Brad tried to tell her that Joe was planning to surprise her with lunch and try to make up to her but she wouldn't hear it.

Going through the funeral was the worst part for Alex. Seeing everyone there to honor Joe and having to see his family was almost unbearable. Through it all, Alex remained strong in public. She cried but never broke down like she did when Brad first broke the news to her. Her family rallied around her and told her how much they loved her and reassured her they would be there for her. Nothing made her feel better.

Slowly, as time went by, Alex healed. But there was that scar that would be with her always. Never again, I'm never going to let myself be that vulnerable ever again. She threw herself into her work and to everyone else, she seemed whole once more. Eventually she started dating again but she never let herself get too involved. When someone got too attached she broke it off.

And so life went on for Alexandra Eames.

End Chapter 1