A/N: This was written for skins big bang over on LiveJournal. It takes place instead of season 4, and Naomi never cheated.
Please review and let me know what you think
Who would it ever known this, could be easy? / I was a long, long way off
Everything I knew of love / I was a long, long way off
And I think I like how the day sounds through this new song, [how the day sounds, Greg Laswell]
It had been brewing for weeks. After an entire summer spent love drunk and completely blissed out they had both felt the slight changes occurring in their relationship since they started back to college. It was nothing solid, no one change they could put their finger on, just the feeling that something no longer fit. All the snide comments and hostility towards each other finally came to a head one Tuesday afternoon in the sixth form common room. Naomi was sitting in the corner of the room, curled up in a chair working on a politics essay when Emily finally found her. She stormed over to the blonde with a face like thunder.
"Do you want to explain this to me?" Emily scowled, dropping the Goldsmith's prospectus onto the table in front of her girlfriend. A picture of the blonde and a few other students she had met at the open day graced the cover. Naomi sighed and bit her lower lip suddenly regretting letting them take her picture that day.
"I don't see what needs to be explained," she shrugged. So she had gone to an open day or two while Emily was on holiday with her family. It wasn't a big deal, was it?
"You went to the open day, then," Emily snapped, gesturing to the prospectus once again.
"Obviously," Naomi replied, knowing it was a mistake to antagonise her, but doing it anyway. It seemed that's all they were good for these days, pushing each other's buttons.
"Well I thought we agreed we were going travelling next year!" she said impatiently, trying not to let Naomi sarcastic comments get under her skin.
"No Emily," she sighed wearily. "We didn't agree anything. You decided and you wouldn't listen to a word I said otherwise."
"So what...you're telling me you don't want to go travelling?" Emily huffed.
"No...Once again that's not what I'm saying! God, do you ever listen to me?" Naomi shook her head, unable to meet her girlfriend's eye.
"I don't listen? Or you don't tell me anything?" she challenged. They were starting to raise their voices now. People sitting closest to them were starting to stare. Naomi looked around, feeling a blush rising in her cheeks due to the number of eyes she found looking back at her.
"Can we please not do this now?" she grumbled through gritted teeth.
"I'm sorry," Emily said sarcastically. "Shall we rearrange our disagreement to a time that better suits your schedule?"
"Ems..." she began softly trying to end the needless fight.
"Forget it!" Emily huffed and stormed off.
Naomi released a low growl from the back of her throat and pinched the bridge of her nose. This was the way most of their conversations ended these days. She stared at her books and scowled, she wouldn't be finishing that essay today. She angrily shut her books and threw them in her bag. She needed nicotine and she needed it now. There was a part of her brain that was telling her she should go after Emily but she ignored it. That part of her brain was getting quieter every day. Experience had taught her that nothing good would come from it.
A few weeks later the whole gang were out together at another one of Thomas' club nights. Much to everyone's surprise, they were turning out to be really successful. The club was packed to the point where the walls were sweating and the crowd was absolutely buzzing. Although they arrived as a couple Emily soon slipped away from Naomi and disappeared into the masses. The separation pained Naomi, like an appendage was suddenly missing, but it didn't seem to bother Emily in the slightest. In fact she seemed to enjoy pretending that Naomi didn't exist. Naomi stood against the wall at the far side of the room watching her girlfriend accept drinks from strangers and flirt shamelessly. She started to wonder why she'd even bothered coming.
"Trouble in paradise?" Naomi looked up to find Effy's piercing blue eyes staring at her.
"All right Eff, when did you get back?" she asked, completely ignoring her friend's comment.
"A while ago," she answered, refusing to be distracted. "So what's going on?" she looked across the room to where Emily was dancing with some random girl. Or rather she was dancing up against some random girl.
Naomi followed her gaze to the scene she had been trying to avoid looking at all night. "Don't you usually know the answer to questions like that before you ask them?" she replied wearily.
Effy gave a coy smile and shrugged. "Emily seems like she's having fun!" she remarked.
"Yeah! She's having a blast!" Naomi spat pointedly, sending a glare across the room at her girlfriend that went completely unnoticed, since Emily hadn't so much as cast a glance in her direction all night.
"Before I left you were having that kind of fun together," Effy mused, trying to coax Naomi into talking.
"Yeah well...things change," Naomi replied sadly. Things between them definitely had changed to the point where she didn't even know who Emily was any more.
"Apparently," Effy replied distantly, her eyes flicking across the crowd to where Freddie and Cook were standing at the bar.
"What can you do?" Naomi asked, sounding slightly pathetic, hoping Effy had the answer.
The other girl was silent for a minute, continuing to stare at Cook and Freddie. "You could try to change them back," she shrugged. "But I think maybe there are some things that just can't be fixed."
She turned to look Naomi in the eye.
It was too much. Naomi had to look away. It was like Effy's eyes were penetrating her, seeing right down into her soul. She didn't want to know what she saw there.
Naomi ended up leaving the club soon after her conversation with Effy. She didn't see Emily again until Monday when they were back in school.
The battle waged on for what felt like forever. In reality it was just a couple of weeks. On top of the war with Emily, Naomi was struggling with an internal battle over whether or not their relationship was worth fighting for any more. Things had changed. They had become something she didn't even recognise any more, but still there were times when they weren't at each other's throats that she looked at Emily and saw the girl she first fell in love with. It ignited the stubborn side in her that had promised to fight for Emily, the part of her that had promised not to run away again.
Sometimes, though, they both wondered if they should just call it a day. In the end they had no other option.
Although ultimately people would hear that Emily had called it off, citing needing space to find herself as her reason, it was actually Naomi who suggested it. They were lying in Naomi's bedroom, together but worlds apart, when she finally spoke up.
"How long are we going to keep doing this to each other Emily?" she sighed. She sounded tired and defeated.
"Doing what?" Emily asked, playing dumb even though she knew exactly what Naomi was talking about.
"Acting like we're still together because we're too stubborn to admit it's over," her voice was barely above a whisper, and her eyes stung with tears as she spoke.
"What do you mean?" Emily had started playing dumb, she might as well continue.
Naomi glared at her. "You know full well what I mean!" she snapped. "I'm talking about you going out and acting like you're single and me pretending not to notice. I'm talking about how it seems we can't even be in the same room together for more than half an hour before one of us says something to wind up the other. I'm talking about how...we don't seem to...fit...anymore."
Emily opened and closed her mouth a few times before any words actually came out. "I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I don't mean to do that when we go out it's just...it's just I went straight from being Katie's twin sister to being Naomi's girlfriend. I've never actually had a chance to go out and just be Emily," she tried to justify her actions. It was merely an attempt to soothe her own conscience because it did nothing to make Naomi feel any better.
"That was your choice!" Naomi argued, using what little fighting spirit she had left. "You were the one who stood up in front of the whole college and proclaimed you love for me after your fight with Katie."
"I do still love you," Emily sighed, tears threatening to fall from her own eyes. It was true. She would probably always love Naomi, but her feelings had changed. She felt trapped like a caged bird; she just needed to spread her wings, and she deserved to do that. She just wished that doing that didn't involve hurting Naomi. This wasn't her fault. And she hadn't deserved the treatment Emily had been giving her over the last few weeks.
"Just not enough anymore," Naomi pouted.
Emily looked away shamefully.
When she left Naomi's house that day she left in silence, neither of them able to face a proper goodbye.
It hadn't been the ending they were expecting. Both of them thought there would be more shouting and name calling, but in the end they were just too tired for all of that.
It wasn't until after she heard the door click softly shut that Naomi released all the tears she'd been holding back.
The next day Naomi couldn't face the thought of going to school. The idea of people giving her sympathetic looks or just outright laughing at her misfortune was enough to make her feel sick. Not to mention the fact that if she went to school there was the very strong possibility she would see Emily, and there was no way she could handle that. One glance at the tiny redhead would surely be enough to turn her into a blubbering pile of goo on the floor, so she very calmly explained to Gina that there was no way in fucking hell that she was going to sodding school today and slammed her bedroom door.
About an hour later Gina left a cup of tea outside the door but didn't try to come in and talk to her. She knew better than that. Naomi needed time before she could talk.
Naomi was grateful for the tea, however.
She sat in front of her window and sipped on the hot liquid, feeling if burn down her throat and settle in her stomach creating that warm comforting feeling that only tea could. Her body ached. She'd hardly slept all night, and she was fairly certain that she would never be able to cry again because she had shed every single tear she had inside. Now she just felt sort of numb. When she finished her tea she lay down on top of her bed again, closed her eyes and tried in vain not to think about anything.
Emily had no trouble going into college the next day. She'd had a good cry on Katie's shoulder when she got home the night before, then went to bed and fell asleep.
Katie was more than a little surprised at how unaffected her sister seemed by the break up. Especially since they had been so "in-your-face" about how in love they were all through the summer. Katie was no expert on relationships but even she thought what Naomi and Emily had together was worth more than a quick cry before moving on. She kept her mouth shut, though. She was getting good at that these days.
Naomi didn't go to school the next day either, but she did venture out of her room. She had no choice really; everything in there reminded her of Emily and it was driving her mad.
"Want to talk about it?" Gina asked.
"What's to talk about?" the blonde frowned. "It wasn't working for ages and now it's over."
"Oh love!" Gina wrapped her arms around her daughter. "Sometimes these things just take some time to work themselves out."
"I don't think so, Mum," Naomi disagreed, her bottom lip quivering. "I don't think this is one of those times."
"Sometimes it just takes time to see that these things happened for the best," she offered hopefully. "I don't wish to be negative dear but she wasn't making you very happy in the end was she?"
"What?" Naomi cried. "How can you say that? I love her!"
"I know you do, sweetheart," she reached across to cover her daughter's hand in her own. "But you had been fighting. And you wanted to look into universities and she didn't support you at all. It just seemed like you were doing all the sacrificing and weren't getting anything back in return."
"I don't know," Naomi mumbled sadly as she considered her mother's words. "Maybe. I just...I just don't know how to...be...without her."
"I know you, Naomi," Gina smiled warmly at her. "You'll figure it out."
"Thanks, Mum," she muttered weakly. She decided she would have to show her face at college the next day.
It was Katie who saw her first, standing by her locker. She looked absolutely awful. Katie felt terrible for the poor girl. Even her outfit didn't have the same offensive glare it usually did. It was fairly obvious she was taking the break up badly, unlike Emily who didn't seem too bothered by it all. Katie watched as Naomi caught sight of them out of the corner of her eye.
Naomi stopped moving and her eyes widened when she saw Emily. She composed herself quickly and slammed her locker shut, casting an almost scathing look at Emily before turning on her heels and speeding off towards their form room.
Katie was almost proud of how the blonde had handled herself.
When they walked into the classroom, Emily at least had the decency to look a little bit guilty when she noticed Naomi had moved to sit beside Effy. She silently sat down next to her sister casting one sorrowful glance over her shoulder at the blonde.
Naomi tried her best to ignore the longing glance, knowing if she looked into those brown eyes she might get sucked in and drown in them.
"You're coming out this weekend," Effy told her, making it clear it was an order rather than a request.
"Oh, Eff," she groaned. "I really don't feel like it."
"Meaning you're afraid Emily will be there," Effy saw right through her. She saw right through everyone.
"Pretty much, yeah!" she conceded, having learnt a long time ago it was pointless to even try to lie to Effy.
"Have to start getting over her some time," Effy pointed out. "Why not sooner rather than later?"
"I really don't get a say in this do I?" Naomi pouted thoughtfully.
"No!" Effy grinned and shook her head.
"All right then, I'll go," she conceded, "but I probably won't enjoy it!"
"That's the spirit," Effy replied sarcastically.
"All right, you little pricks," Kieran's gruff voice interrupted them, "are you all here? Because I can't be bothered counting you or learning your names."
"Yeah, Kieran, everyone's here," JJ assured him. He was essentially the only trusted voice in the class.
"That's great then!" the Irish man collapsed into his chair, leaning back in it and closing his eyes. Naomi knew from experience that he was not a morning person. "When the bell rings you can fuck off."
"So this weekend-" Effy continued as conversation erupted throughout the classroom again.
"Yeah?" Naomi replied unenthusiastically.
"Thommo's throwing another underground party. It's meant to be the biggest one yet."
"Oh good because the last one was so much fun," she scoffed acerbically, the memory of watching her girlfriend, or rather her then girlfriend, flirt and dance with countless random girls was still fresh in her memory. But Emily wasn't her girlfriend any more was she?
"What you have better plans? Like sitting in and wallowing in self pity?" Effy rolled her eyes.
Naomi pouted indignantly.
"Just come all right," she insisted. "I promise I'll get you so monumentally fucked up you won't even know if she's there."
"I'll hold you to that," Naomi gave a weak smile. It was probably the most genuine smile she'd given anyone in weeks. Effy might have her share of problems, she might be perceived by a lot of people as a callous, manipulative bitch, but she was actually a pretty good friend. One Naomi was particularly grateful for just then.
Naomi managed to avoid running into Emily for the rest of the day. She had sat with Effy again in English Literature, the one class she shared with her ex-girlfriend, and she had spent lunch time sitting on the steps outside smoking. Emily hadn't tried to speak to her either. With the exception of that guilty glance over her shoulder in the form class, Emily hadn't really acknowledged that she was even there. That hurt almost just as much as anything else, though. All in all however the day hadn't been as bad as Naomi had expected it to be. She had gotten through it, and, while she certainly wasn't feeling any better about the break up, she found she wasn't feeling any worse either. At least that was something.
When Katie spoke to Naomi on Friday, it came as a complete shock to Naomi, considering she and Emily hadn't yet managed a civil hello while passing in the hallway.
Katie looked somewhat wary when she took a seat next to Naomi at the start of their History class. She shrugged defiantly when she caught Naomi looking at her with confusion and returned her attention to the front of the room.
"I hope you're going to put some effort into getting dressed for going out this weekend. I mean, I know you're heartbroken and everything, but the rest of us still have eyes, you know?" Katie said pointedly, in the way that was so distinctively Katie Fitch; it didn't matter what was going on in your life, as long as you looked fashionable.
Naomi looked down at what she was wearing and realised the other girl was right. For the last few days she hadn't really cared how she looked when she turned up for school.
It almost pained Katie to see it. Not that she was ever a fan of Naomi's outfits but at least she used to try. "You are going out this weekend, aren't you?" Katie enquired. "I mean, Effy said you were."
"Why do you care if I go out?" Naomi spat harshly. She didn't actually mean to she just couldn't stop herself. She figured Katie was probably just asking on Emily's behalf. It might be a bit difficult to get lucky with your ex there cramping your style. When she saw the flash of hurt in Katie's eyes, she realised she might be wrong.
"I just think you should come out with us. It would be good for you. You shouldn't let my idiot sister ruin your Saturday night," Katie shrugged.
Naomi looked at her curiously trying to figure out what all this was about. It almost seemed like she was taking Naomi's side in this breakup. That was ridiculous, though. Emily was her twin, so, naturally, she would be on her side. Yet there was something in her voice, something genuine, that threw Naomi.
"Yeah..." she stammered. "Yeah, I probably will."
"Good!" Katie offered her a smile.
Naomi spent the rest of the class pondering Katie's behaviour. It was the first time in days that her thoughts weren't completely consumed by Emily.
Although she would never admit to anyone, ever, that Katie's words had an impact on her, Naomi actually did make an effort to look nice for going out on Saturday night. All that really meant was that she felt slightly overdressed when sitting in the kitchen drinking whiskey with Kieran.
"You should go out," he told her the same thing she'd already heard from Effy, Gina, Cook and even Katie Fitch. "Go on, go out and have a blinder."
Naomi frowned and took a large gulp of the warm amber liquid in her glass. "I really can't see myself having fun tonight."
"Well then go out and have a shit night," he shrugged, "anything is better than sitting around the house moping. It would be a shame to sit in after you got all dressed up!"
"I'll be needing more whiskey then, won't I?" she waved her empty glass at him. If she was going to go out, she was going to need a considerable amount of Dutch courage, or, as Kieran called it, Irish spirit.
Effy called at Naomi's house shortly before ten. She was pleasantly surprised to find Naomi was actually ready to go out, she'd half expected the blonde to change her mind about going out.
"You look nice," she smiled when Naomi opened the door.
"Effy..." her brow furrowed in confusion, "what are you doing here?"
"I came to drag you to this party against your will but it seems I won't have to," Effy smirked.
"Yeah, well-" Naomi pouted to indicate that she still wasn't thrilled about going out. "Coming in for a drink then?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
"Hello, Effy," Gina greeted her when she walked into the kitchen.
"I suppose you're here to make a dent in my whiskey as well," Kieran grumbled.
"Don't listen to him Effy, help yourself to a glass," Gina rolled her eyes at her boyfriend.
"Thanks," she smiled sweetly at them, the way she always smiled at parents.
After they had downed a healthy amount of Kieran's whiskey, Naomi hurried Effy out of the room. Her mum had just moved on to her third glass of wine, and what little boundaries she had were starting to come down. Naomi thought it best to get her friend out of there before she had to witness Gina sticking her tongue in their form teacher's ear. It was a rather unpleasant experience, certainly something she never wanted to see again.
"At least try to have fun, Naomi," she called optimistically as the girls left.
"Yeah, right," was the unenthusiastic response she received.
When they reached the club, there was a queue that stretched the whole length of the building, it was lucky for them that friends don't wait. They breezed to the front of the line much to the displeasure of everyone who had been waiting.
Naomi's whiskey buzz was starting to wear off, and she felt more and more apprehensive with every step she took towards the door. "Do you think she's here?" she asked her friend quietly.
"Probably," Effy nodded, she never was one to tell a pointless lie. "Does it matter?"
"I suppose not," Naomi frowned. It wasn't like she could avoid Emily forever.
"Come on...let's get you suitably inebriated," Effy threw her arm around Naomi and steered her towards the bar.
They downed a few shots of vodka in rapid succession. When they combined with the sizable amount of whiskey they'd already consumed, the alcohol began to have its desired effect. Naomi started to believe she might actually be able to enjoy this night after all. She no longer felt the need to keep Effy beside her at all times like a security blanket. The Irish spirit in her gave her enough courage to venture inside from the smoking area unaccompanied. She almost made it to the bar before she spotted a familiar flash of red across the room and realised she'd made a mistake. She wasn't ready to be alone just yet. Now she was frozen to the spot, staring at her ex-girlfriend, not wanting to look, but incapable of looking away. Emily was standing at the far side of the bar, leaning against it, leaning far too close to some girl standing beside her, some girl that wasn't Naomi. This girl was considerably taller than Emily. She was kind of pretty, but there was nothing remarkable about her. She waited for the pain to kick in, for her heart to feel like it'd been ripped into pieces and put in a blender, but it didn't come. She was surprised when she finally realised that instead of hurt she felt angry. She was angry at Emily for acting like their relationship meant nothing to her, and she was angry at herself for spending the past week mourning the end of their relationship when clearly it was a waste of her time because it never really mattered. The rage burned inside her, heating her body and thawing her frozen limbs.
She finally made it to the bar and ordered a drink, a double, and swallowed most of it in one go. In her mind she debated whether she should go over there and tear into Emily for being a heartless bitch, but she eventually decided against it, deeming it a waste of her time. If Emily so clearly didn't give a fuck about her, then why should she give a fuck about Emily? Armed with this new clarity, she returned to the smoking area with her head held high.
"You all right?" a familiar voice asked as she lit up her cigarette.
Naomi looked up and found a look of genuine concern in the eyes of Katie Fitch. She gave her a weak smile.
"I think so," she answered uncertainly.
Katie smiled and nodded a few times before speaking again. "She's not your Emily anymore, you know." The look on Naomi's face told her that her words had came out wrong, again.
Naomi glared at her. She had put up with enough of Katie's shit when she was with Emily. One good thing about them splitting up was now she no longer had to. She scowled and turned to walk away from Katie.
"Shit! No...Wait! I didn't mean it like that," Katie stepped in front of her and gave her an apologetic look. "I didn't...I just meant she's changed," Naomi's expression softened slightly, "she's not the same Emily she was when she was with you. She's different now."
"I noticed," Naomi muttered quietly, staring intently at the end of her cigarette because she couldn't bring herself to look Katie in the eye just yet.
"Yeah, she's turned into a right fucking cow," Katie huffed. She knew Emily had every right to be her own person, Katie just wasn't sure how much she liked this new person (which was almost ironic since the new Emily seemed to be loosely based on the old Katie). "Anyway, are you having a good time? My cunt of a sister notwithstanding."
"Yeah," she nodded after a few moments thought. "I am, actually."
Just like everyone had told her it would, the night out had in fact been good for Naomi. She had gone out, gotten drunk and she had actually had some fun. She had seen Emily, she had seen Emily with someone else, and she had survived. Her heart hadn't shattered into billions of tiny pieces like sugar glass that could never be reassembled again. In fact, it didn't feel quite so broken any more. She managed to go to college and smile and joke with her friends with minimal effort. She made plans for the weekend and everything. In the back of her mind, though, she still pined for Emily, but only sometimes. Something would happen and she would imagine recounting the tale to Emily when they were lying in bed together, and then she'd realise that that wasn't going to happen, and it would hurt, but only for a minute. When it did hurt, though, it didn't feel quite like the end of the world anymore, it was a bearable pain. For the first time since it happened she started to believe she could get over this heartbreak.
"Wow, you look like you're feeling better," Katie grinned at the start of history class, "I mean your outfit...it's hideous!"
A smile tugged at the corners of Naomi's lips and she had to fight hard to glare at Katie with any conviction. "Well I'm sorry I don't subscribe to your animal print obsessed idea of fashion," she jibed, sitting down beside Katie.
"I resent that!" she pouted. "I'm not even wearing any animal print today."
"Katie I can see your bra strap," she smirked, "just because it's not the natural colour doesn't mean it's not animal print."
Katie opened her mouth to retaliate and closed it again. She adjusted the strap of her vest top to cover the hot pink and black leopard print bra strap that Naomi had been referring to.
Naomi chuckled smugly.
"Yeah well, just don't come running to me to bail you out when you finally get arrested for crimes against fashion," Katie pouted.
Naomi laughed a little harder. She was beginning to enjoy the insulting back and forth between herself and Katie. It was easy, fun, even.
"So, Campbell," Katie began hesitantly as they walked out of the classroom together, "what are you doing after school today?"
"Uh, nothing...why?" Naomi's brow furrowed.
"I don't suppose you'd consider doing me a massive favour and help me with this essay?" she asked hopefully. She knew her sister's ex-girlfriend probably wasn't the first person she should turn to for help, but she didn't really speak to anyone else in the class. Besides Naomi was probably the smartest person she knew, not that she'd ever admit that to the smug blonde.
"Please," she whined, looking at Naomi with big, pleading brown eyes (eyes so familiar that Naomi couldn't find it in herself to say no). "I really don't have a clue about this American history bollocks!"
"Oh, ok!" Naomi sighed thinking this was more than likely a terrible idea.
"Thank you!" Katie squealed and threw her arms around Naomi, shocking them both.
At first, Naomi wasn't sure how to react. It felt so strange being hugged by Katie. Her body was so oddly familiar and completely alien at the same time. She tentatively patted Katie on the back. "You're welcome," she murmured, her voice strained, conveying how awkward she felt. "So do you want to come to my house tonight?"
"That would be great," Katie smiled gratefully, knowing Naomi probably wouldn't be too welcome at her house. "I'll call round after tea."
"Great," Naomi echoed Katie's sentiments with much less enthusiasm, "see you later, then."
Naomi tapped her head against her locker door and groaned once Katie was out of sight. What had she let herself in for?