Some randomness which came from the opening line which buzzed around my head for days until i wrote something. Not entirely sure where i was going with most of it. Character study.
Disclaimer: I just play here. I promise I'll tidy up when I'm done.
The Death Mask
The day that Doctor Simon Tam came aboard Serenity was the worst day of Inara's life. A doctor can send her carefully constructed life crashing around her ears.
She has nothing against Simon personally, he is a lovely young man and if he can ever get over his crippling ability of sticking his foot into his mouth will make Kaylee very happy. But she secretly wishes he were not onboard.
She can see the darkness in his eyes sometimes when he looks at her. She saw it when he uttered the words, "She'll still be dead." She finds him unnerving at times like that. Bargaining with Kaylee's life in exchange for his own and River's. She can see the intense guilt he feels in doing that. She doesn't know if he apologised or not, she doesn't know if Kaylee even remembers. No one saw fit to ask her about it. But she senses that Simon Tam did terrible things, worse things, when he was trying to get River out of the Academy. Inara wonders if he will turn that darkness on her.
The reason she is leaving Serenity isn't because of Malcolm Reynolds like everyone thinks. Like she has let Mal think. Because for Mal she would stay. Despite his unknowing betrayal with Nandi. She lives for the frisson of their arguments that leave her trembling with irritation. Sometimes she longs for him to just break off mid-insult and kiss her. Malcolm Reynolds makes her feel more alive than she has in a very long time.
But she can't stay. Because the real reason she is leaving Serenity is Simon. He will never know this. He has done nothing but be a brilliant doctor. And it is that which she fears most of all. Just his presence makes her skin prickle. She fears he will see her. See through her mask. See the thing which has crawled inside her, unbidden and unwanted, behind the make up and the gowns and the elegantly styled hair. Mal said that Atherton didn't even see her, but Mal doesn't either because he hasn't seen this.
She worries that Simon will see the symptoms she works so hard to disguise, which she fears are so glaringly obvious to a trained eye. Some days she wishes he would ask her, just once. Notice something. But most days she prays that the young man will never discover what ails her. Because he would want to make it better and he cannot. Simon has a martyr complex a mile wide and there is nothing he can do for her. And the failure would damage him beyond repair. She has seen a dozen physicians – including one in his own hospital in Capital City, probably when he still worked there – and none of them could help her either. Not in the long run. She could control herself but not forever.
Some of her clients knew now – the ones who are more old friends than lovers – and they have helped her where they can. She thinks of the ornate syringe in the box in her shuttle that has given her more time than she should have and hates it in turn. As brilliant as Simon is – top three percent brilliant isn't enough to save her. And if Mal knew he was the reason he would throw Simon off Serenity without a thought. Because Mal told her he loved her. Not in as many words but she knew what he meant. And she'd told him she was leaving. Nigh on broke his heart with those deceptively simple words. She didn't lie to him when she spoke of family; the crew were her family now. If she stayed she would break them all. And she couldn't…if they hear from Sheydra through a wave when it is all too late then it will hurt but it won't break them to watch it happen. There will be no arguments, no begging her to stay, no recriminations, no blame…Captain Reynolds is a good man and she will not destroy him by letting him see her when she is too tired to fight anymore. She can hear his voice in her head complete with his patented kicked puppy look. "Why didn't you tell me? You should of…we could of helped you Inara!"
And Inara can't bring herself to tell Kaylee and see that look on her face.
Simon would fuss and run a million tests and still think he could save her even when all his logic would tell him otherwise. Mal would blame him; take it all out on the one man Inara fears most in the universe. But she wishes him no harm. But Mal will break him at the end. In turn he will destroy River and Kaylee. And if he breaks them then he breaks the family that he has built on his ship of freedom. She wonders if she'll break Malcolm Reynolds by simply leaving.
But still part of her wishes Simon would gather her in his arms the way he does to River, whisper sweet nothings in her ear and smooth down her hair with his hands and tell her everything will be alight because he can save her. But he can't. He can't kiss it all better for her. Nor can Malcolm Reynolds.
Because of this thing she left behind everything she ever knew. She gave up the chance to be a House Priestess and lied about why. Said she wanted to extend her client base and see the 'verse. Lied to make it easier. To cut herself off and she has made it a billion times worse. Because now there are people she really loves in this 'verse. She has a real family here on Serenity. She wishes she had found them earlier. Before she tried to outrun herself and her own body. It will eat her alive. And she doesn't want them to know.
She wonders if she will miss them when the end comes. When she stops fighting. She speculates if she'll regret not saying a proper goodbye to them all. Will she simply be able to step aside when she knows her time has come? Or will she struggle to live?
Will it be Mal she cries out for? Or Simon? Will she beg for his doctoring then? Will she cry because Mal never kissed her properly? Which of the two men who make her feel more alive than anything will be the one she cries for when she dies?