A/N: I really don't have much to say about this one, other than it is a shameless example of my musing abilities.
This is an exploration of a simple way Anna and Bates might have reintroduced intimacy/closeness back into their relationship after her attack. I hope you enjoy :) Thank you to everyone who has supported me, and encouraged me as I discover my love for writing. You all mean the world to me.
Please leave a review, and let me know what you think of this. xo
Disclaimer: I only wish I owned Downton and Banna, but alas...
Anna had no explanation for this ritual, and some people would probably call her crazy for it. Her husband didn't mind, and that's all that really mattered to her anyway.
Ever since John's release from prison she had been completely fascinated with watching him shave. The very first morning they shared in the cottage she had woken up to find him gone. She had been startled at first...afraid for a moment that it had all been a dream, but then she heard the sloshing of water in their bathroom. She rose from the bed, wrapping herself in her silk robe, a gift from Lady Mary, and made her way towards the bathroom.
He didn't see her at first as he stood at the sink shaving, but he soon caught sight of her watching him in the mirror.
"Good morning, my love. I hope I didn't wake you." He smiled through the white soap on his face.
She couldn't answer at first. She was completely at a loss for words at the sight of him. Standing there in his trousers, and undershirt...braces hanging at his sides, his hair free of pomade, and his face covered in shaving soap. Seeing him like this was doing things to her...things she still wasn't quite used to yet.
"Anna? Darling, are you alright?" His voice pulled her from her reverie.
"Oh yes...just...I'm fine." She smiled. "Do you...umm..." She lowered her head, and felt the blush rise into her cheeks. She wasn't aware of him wrapping the towel around his neck, and making his way over to her, until she felt his hand below her chin.
"Do I what, love?" He smiled down at her.
She felt the heat rise inside her at the look in his eyes.
"Do you mind if I sit and watch you?...shave, I mean?" She was so embarrassed, but it lifted as she heard his light laughter.
"Darling, you don't have to ask permission to watch me do anything. I am yours to do with what you will." He winked at her, and then turned to resume his work as she took a seat on the side of the bathtub.
This quickly became a part of their routine. She never tired of watching his careful movements. Sometimes she even helped him...which usually led to other activities taking precedence.
However, things changed after her attack. On the long, lonely nights when she moved back to Downton she missed his closeness more than words could say. She longed for the ease and routine of their cottage life with every fiber of her being.
When he found out, and she moved back, that longing turned to despair. She felt unworthy of this life with him. As if by sharing these moments, and glimpses of their life before; she was leaving a stain on their memories...and their future.
She finally voiced these thoughts to him one night after some gentle prodding on his part, and he was quick to put her at ease. He always knew exactly what to say, and he promised that he would spend every day for the rest of her life reminding her if that's what it took.
After some time she felt comfortable again watching him get ready in the morning. The first morning that she joined him in the bathroom his face had shifted quickly from shock to delight. He couldn't take his eyes off of her as she made her way to sit on the bath. Their eyes locked when she sat, and the smile on his face was breath taking.
"Welcome back." He whispered.
She blushed, but smiled and continued to hold his gaze until he turned back to the mirror to continue shaving.
They had resumed this routine seamlessly which made Anna feel very hopeful for the possibility of healing. 6 months after her attack Anna had a moment she hadn't seen coming.
She watched him just like he always did, but he looked different today for some reason. She noticed his broad form, and the grace in which he held himself. His every move inadvertently exuded sensuality.
She froze.
She hadn't had a single thought like that since...
She closed her eyes trying to push down the bile that rose inside of her. She couldn't shake this feeling that it was wrong to feel these things. That it was wrong to desire her husband. The thought alone seemed silly to her...this was her husband, and not only that, this was John...but her dark thoughts prevailed over her good sense.
He seemed to sense her inner conflict, and he turned his half shaved face to her.
"Anna? Love, are you alright?"
She took a deep breath before she was able to meet his worried gaze. No more lies, she thought to herself.
"No, but I will be. It will just take time..."
His task forgotten, he knelt down in front of her and took her hands in his own warm, larger ones. The simple gesture was such a comfort to her.
"Is there anything I can do?" He whispered, his eyes full of love and concern. Reaching up with one hand she ran her fingers down the shaved side of his face.
She had to smile at his appearance, and he smiled in return.
Suddenly an idea came to her mind...maybe this would be a good start to being close to him again?
"Yes. There is something you can do."
"Anything." He spoke fervently.
"May I...finish what you started?" She ran her hand down his face, showing him what she meant. His smile swelled.
"Of course." He covered her hand with his, and turned his head to kiss her palm.
They were silent as he disappeared into the bedroom; returning with a chair which he situated next to the sink. He sat down; watching her as she collected his razor, and towel.
She hesitated for a moment. Could she do this? Could she be this intimate, and close to him without panicking? Closing her eyes she reminded herself that this was John. This was her husband. He loved her more than she ever thought possible. She could do this.
His voice pulled her from her thoughts, and she opened her eyes to see his worried look.
"Anna, you don't have to do this." He whispered.
"No. I want to." She smiled at him.
She approached him slowly, and draped the towel over her shoulder. Placing her hand under his chin, she tilted his head back so it rested on the back of the chair. He gazed up at her; his folded hands on his lap letting her know he wouldn't try to touch her. She appreciated his thoughtfulness more than words could say. He had been so gentle with her...so patient, and she wanted to show him the progress she had made in her healing thanks to his love and support.
She moved his hands to make room on his lap so she could sit. With his arms hanging beside him, John's head shot up, and eyes widened in shock. She reassured him with her smile before lifting his arms, and placing them securely around her waist.
It was the first time in several months she had been able to let him hold her, and it felt right. This felt right.
He relaxed after a moment; getting over the initial worry, and finally appreciating having his beloved wife in his arms once again.
Placing her hand behind his head to support him she began to shave him. Her movements were slow; being careful not to nick him, she pulled the razor across his cheek in careful strokes. Whenever she reached over to dip the razor in the sink to wash it off, her breasts would press into his chest. He gasped at first, willing his body not to respond and frighten her. It had been so long...
Anna was fighting similar emotions. The way her body was remembering their times together...the way it was answering his silent plea...it scared her, but at the same time it thrilled her. She never thought she would ever feel this way again, and even though she knew it would be a while before she could act on it; the glimpses of desire were enough to give her hope.
She took her time with him, savoring the intimacy of the moment. It wasn't forced, or frightening. It felt natural, wonderful, and so very right. She loved this man more than her life, and she loved being able to show him.
When she finished she placed the razor on the side of the sink, and took the towel from her shoulder. Placing it along his face she wiped the remaining soap away, then dropped the towel to the floor.
Their gazes caught, and they were both caught up in the atmosphere of the moment.
"Don't move." She breathed.
She could feel his arms around her, but he was still as a statue.
Ever so slowly she leaned towards him; her hands resting on his cheeks, and placed the softest of kisses on his lips. When she pulled away his eyes were closed, and she smiled at him. When he opened them she saw the tears welling up and threatening to spill over. She felt her own tears brewing at the show of emotion in her husband.
She threw her arms around his neck, and hugged him closely to her as both of them broke down together. His hand soothingly ran up and down her back.
She finally collected herself, and pulled away keeping her hands behind his neck; fingers tangled in his hair.
"I love you so much." She whispered.
"I love you, too." He breathed, tears still flowing. His smile was breathtaking.
"We'll get there John. I can feel it. I am getting better everyday, and it's all down to you. It's not always going to be easy, and I might not be able to be this way with you all the time." She looked down solemnly, wishing they could hold onto this moment...this feeling, forever. "But the way you love me, the way you take care of me...I know these moments will only become more frequent. Thank you...for loving me." She ran her thumbs along his hairline.
"Loving you is my legacy, Anna. I will love you, care for you, and be here for you forever; no matter what may come. I will love you through the good days and the bad, for better and for worse." Bringing his hands up to wipe her tears away with his thumbs, he spoke the three words that had always been her hope in times of doubt.
"However. Whatever. Whenever."