Being Alive
A Bleach Fanfic
28/08/09
Summary: Byakuya Kuchki is more than just the stoic Captain. This is an insight into a moment when Byakuya takes a breath of life.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my wild imagination.

*

Sometimes he had trouble forgiving himself.

He wondered why. He forgave that impertinent boy. He forgave Yoruichi. He forgave his sister. They'd all been following their heart. Which was more than what he could say for himself.

But the truth was, Byakuya Kuchki was alone. He no longer had his childhood friend. He no longer had his wife. He no longer had his sister. He didn't even have his lieutenant at the moment. Now, he'd lost his purpose. Protecting the Seireitei was one thing, but a man was more than just a soldier.

What was Byakuya Kuchki when he wasn't saving the world?

Byakua Kuchki, was bored.

He sat in his mansion looking down at his calligraphic table. The incomplete scroll was still unfurled where he he'd left it last. Going back to it suddenly filled the usually stoic man with dread. For just a moment he didn't want to be immortal. He wanted there to be a destination to his journey. He wanted to be more than the ultimate Guard Dog for the 13 Court Guard Squads.

"Byakuya?"

Tilting his head he saw Rukia standing in his doorway, hesitant. He thought of asking her to relax. To pull up a chair and maybe have a cup of tea with him. But he was afraid she'd think he'd gone mad. Casual tea with family hadn't really been on his agenda lately. Almost never. To think he was now yearning for simplicity was a sad slap in his face.

He chose to focus on the immediate for now. "You're leaving," he stated as blandly as he did everything else. No emotions seeping across his apathetic features.

"Someone has to keep Ichigo out of trouble."

"Hmmm."

Rukia teetered on his threshold. She seemed to be caught between words.

Finally turning all the way to face her, Byakuya met her indigo gaze and quirked an eyebrow. "Rukia?"

The girl bit her lip for a solitary bated breath, then dove forward and threw her arms around his waist. "You can yell at me all you want brother. But I will miss you. Sometimes, I think I will always miss you."

It was true. Byakuya had the sudden urge to yell at her for hurling herself at him in such an uncouth manner, but more than that he realize he didn't know how to react. He realized he'd forgotten what it was like to give and receive comfort. Love. Understanding. It struck something deep inside him. Making him recoil from himself. Almost to prove to himself that he was still human, Byakuya lifted one hand and gently placed it on her raven head. It wasn't much, but it was a beginning. "I will be here," he promised, his voice heaver than usual. "Always."

The younger woman tilted her head back and gave him a soft, but pleasantly surprised smile. "I like the sound of that." She pulled away with one last squeeze, unperturbed that he hadn't returned her embrace as enthusiastically as her own. "I will come see you soon."

Byakuya watched the woman he had let down. He wondered if he should apologize, but Rukia was already bowing and turning to leave.

"Rukia?"

She turned to look back at her brother, her smile happier than he'd seen in a while and it seemed to calm something inside him. Perhaps the best form of apology was offering her a part of the intimacy they had never shared. He offered her a rusty little smile that barely tilted his mouth, but Rukia blinked at him in shock as he spoke. "Bring back my Lieutenant before you leave. I fear he loses his way when you're around."

The violet eyes widened, her cheeks flushing instantly. She sputtered there for a few months, then darted out of the room like she was on fire.

Byakuya's little smile melted into a brief snort of laughter.

Now Renji would be scared shitless for a few days and show up to work on time.

The Captain felt some of the world connect around him.

The scroll flickered in the soft breeze from the window and Byakuya regarded it thoughtfully. Dare he?

Picking up his Zanpaktou, he headed towards his doorway and decided it was time to ask Lady Yoruichi for a rematch in flash tag. He'd find his childhood friend and take it one step at a time.

Sometimes he had trouble forgiving himself, but sometimes Byakuya Kuchki practiced being alive.

THE END